Mass x Acceleration

By Dixxy Mouri

Chapter Nineteen: Celibacy

The walk back to the apartment was in silence, and their strides were slow – they hadn't exchanged words since before leaving the rest of Turnover backstage. Nami kept looking at Sanji with worried eyes, trying to coax a response from him. Nothing worked – his eyes seemed empty and almost lifeless as he ambled forward.

When they got back to their building, Sanji started to pat down his jeans for his keys – Nami started looking for hers and fetched them from the confines of her purse. She held them out to him – Sanji blushed and little and gave her a low registered 'thank you' as he let them into the building. Nami bit her bottom lip in worry as he passed her. Sanji-kun, what did she DO to you?

Nami spent the ascent up the stairs to their floor gathering determination. Once they were in their apartment it would just be them – no Deltana or Tanya or whoever the hell she was, no Turnover, no anyone, just them. Maybe he just needed to get away from the outside world for a little bit – that was okay. They could handle that.

Once they were inside the apartment, Nami asked her question. "Sanji-kun, what happened?"

Sanji looked at her sadly as he took off his scarf. "Mind if I take a shower?"

"Not until you tell me what-"

He interrupted her as he started to walk towards the bathroom, kicking off his shoes. "Deltana's the girl I lost my virginity to back when I was seventeen. She broke my heart." Sanji peeled out of his t-shirt and disappeared down the hall to take his shower, leaving Nami stunned in the middle of their living room.

Vaguely, she did remember her conversation with Sanji about their sexual histories.

". . . I was seventeen when it happened. It was a one-time fling. I thought it was something more than it was. She'd been making eyes at me for a while, so I thought she liked me and I kind liked her because she was definitely cute, but . . . she did not want anything more than a fling. And a free meal. She got both. And then she came in a few days later . . . she made a comment about my inability to perform to her liking and then left. Never saw her again."

Sanji had tried to brush it off as no big deal, citing his ability to flirt with women years after it had happened and joking that it gave him "practice", but there was an underlying pain to the story. This hadn't been a case of puppy love when he was a child or some random girlfriend – this was the girl he'd had his first time with, and based on Nami's encounter with her earlier that day . . .

Nami fumed. He does NOT need this right now! We're supposed to be moving past things that hurt us, not picking at the wounds! She calmed herself and realized that Sanji probably hadn't been the instigator – Braeburn and the other guys in the band wouldn't have been that worried about him if he'd been a willing participant in the exchange, whatever it was.

Trying to come up with a plan, Nami slid into the kitchen. She heard the water turn on in the shower and took a deep breath, looking around for a solution. Hopefully the hot water was making him feel better. She filled their kettle with hot water and put it on the stove. Maybe a cup of tea would calm him down a little – the weather was getting warmer, but it might still make him feel better.

Sanji stood under the stream of the shower, leaning against the tiled wall as he thought about the night's events and the events of many days previous. Just how many of them had there been? How many partners did he have? He held up his hand and started counting fingers – six women he'd gone to bed with that he considered girlfriends. Okay, that wasn't so bad.

But how many of them heard of my reputation first and thought . . . he swallowed.

Then, what about one night stands? How many was it? How many girls had used him once and discarded him like a used doggy bag? He started counting again. Sanji figured it out by location. How many girls made it to his bedroom? Ten. How may had been on his old boat? That was another five, so he was up to twenty-two. There'd been three girls he'd been with in Zeff's room (he'd been upset with him over something stupid and did it partially to spite the old man), so twenty five. Fifteen girls had taken him to their boats, so that was forty. One girl had been with him in the Mackeral Head #1. Forty one. Another had been with him on one of the upper decks of the Baratie. Forty two. Five more had slept with him at inns or taverns on islands around the East Blue, usually when he was out on a supply run. That made forty-seven.

Forty-seven.

Forty-fucking seven.

And he didn't think was even the end of the list.

Sanji slid to the floor of the shower. Just how many people had used him and his body? He grasped his head with his hands, trying to stop himself from remembering anymore. He didn't want to remember anymore. It had all been meaningless, and he hated the thing he'd turned himself into – maybe the Love Cook was gone, but his ghost was still haunting him.

Getting to his feet, he shut the water off and opened the door. He paused, finding himself staring face to face with none other than Kishido, sitting on their toilet and looking at him pensively. Sanji felt a gasp catch in his throat, but he didn't dare speak as the armored version of himself got to his feet. "That many women, Sanji?" he asked, a disappointed and displeased look on his face.

Sanji squeezed his eyes shut and looked away. He didn't want to deal with this.

"You say you follow kishido, and you don't want to hurt any women," he said, advancing on Sanji. "And yet what would you have to offer the next one? Could you marry her? You're a pirate – you'd get chased out of the chapel before your bride could even walk herself down the isle – you'd just leave her there, standing at the altar all by herself."

Sanji closed his eyes, trying not to picture Nami crying alone at a church altar.

"You're sterile – you couldn't give her children."

There she was again, looking sadly at an empty cradle, rocking it back and forth.

"Do we even need to talk about how much of a freak you are?" said Kishido. "You're lucky only Mac and Gala know about your situation here – Braeburn, Ria, Jimmy, Darryl, Wendy, Sundae, everyone who works at the Cider Mug, they'd label you a freak. Just having ONE Devil Fruit power would do that – any idea what people would do to someone with two?"

Sanji wanted it to stop. He couldn't bear the thought of Nami getting hurt because of him.

"You know what you need to do. You can still make this right."

By the time the water was hot enough and Nami had found a box of Sanji's favorite chamomile, the shower had stopped and she'd heard Sanji go into their bedroom. She started to steep two cups of the tea and brought it over to their table, hoping Sanji would be lured out by the scent. Thinking that maybe some cookies might help, too, she grabbed her secret stash of shortbread.

Sanji emerged from their room in a plain t-shirt and pajama bottoms. "I'm sorry I was a jerk."

Nami shook her head, encouraging him to sit down with her for the tea and cookies. "You weren't a jerk. Just tell me what happened – tonight, what happened between you and that woman, anything. I want to know what you're going through so I can try to help you," she said. Sanji looked over the treat, sighed, and dunked a cookie into the tea.

"I was seventeen, and Tanya – that's what she went by – was a regular at the Baratie. She kept making eyes at me and sort of led me on for a few weeks until one day she lured me towards the back of the restaurant. I probably thought it was to set up another meeting or maybe make out or something, but she . . . wanted to have sex, then and there," said Sanji.

"Okay," said Nami, raising a cookie to her mouth.

"In one of the extra bathrooms," he said.

Nami paused mid bite. "What?"

"I lost my virginity in a woman's bathroom stall," he said, looking humiliated. Sanji held his head in his hands. "I thought she wanted to be my girlfriend so I was okay with it, like it would be one of those wild stories I heard the other cooks talk about all the time. I tried to convince her to go back to my room but she was all 'no, no, we won't get caught back here' and like an idiot I went along with it. Then she comes back a day or two later with the son of some rich merchant ship captain and tells me it didn't mean anything."

"Sanji-kun . . ." Nami reached across the table to try and comfort him – Sanji pulled away.

"I don't make good decision when it comes to women. You know how many sexual partners I've had? Forty-seven, and I'm pretty sure I'm not remembering all of them. Almost all of them were one-night stands, and the ones that were girlfriends or something that went beyond one night all fizzled out in less than two weeks. And . . . I know some guys brag about that but . . . I'm not proud of myself for that. Apparently I even had a reputation around the East Blue for being a slut – I didn't think men could GET reputations but no, the word was that if a girl wanted a free meal at the Baratie they just needed to drop their panties and I'd provide it."

Now Sanji seemed like he was getting really upset. "I always thought I was attractive or something but . . . no, they were all looking to get something out of me and I was too stupid to realize it. They just played along and let me think I was some kind of smooth operator. I couldn't understand why the women on the Grand Line didn't seem interested after I joined Luffy but now I get it – it's because I was just a meal ticket to one of the best restaurants in the East Blue and the reputation couldn't follow me there. It's not because I'm handsome or charming or funny or anything women like – I'm just a whore."

Nami felt a pang of guilt so strong she wanted to hurl. Even if she and Sanji had never had sex, she'd probably used him even worse than all of his one night stands combined. She wanted to start crying herself, apologizing for everything she'd made him do or coerced him into doing with a wink or coy pout or any other dangled carrot. Sanji was breaking to pieces right in front of her and she couldn't help but think this was partly her fault.

"Sanji-kun, please calm down," Nami said. She tried reaching for him again, this time successfully taking his hands. He looked up at her, his eyes getting a little misty. "Deltana or Tanya or whoever she is, she's just a bitch – she's probably just trying to make you upset over her stupid place in the band and you're letting her get to you. Don't put yourself down like that. You are not a slut."

Sanji closed his eyes. "Nami-san, we do not have enough fingers and toes between the two of us to count all of the women I've had sex with. If I'm not a 'slut' it's because I'm a 'huge slut'." He took a deep breath and clenched his eyes shut, trying to stop himself from crying. Nami tried to soothe him, only to have him jerk his hands away and shake his head. "No. No, I see what you're trying to do."

"Please, we're friends, please I-"

"I think I get it now. I know what I need to do. I'm done with women," he said. Sanji swallowed, opened his eyes, and slowly looked up at her. "That's it – that's what I'm going to do. I'm done with women. I'm going to be celibate for the rest of my life. No dating, no sex, I'm done with it. Then maybe I-"

"Sanji-kun, that's nuts! You're only twenty-one, you've still got your whole life ahead of you. Somewhere out there is a woman who can love you the way all those other girls didn't! You can't go around making rash decision just because one stupid bitch made you cry. You told me you wanted to find the one and settle down with her and raise a family and it meant a lot to you – don't just throw in the towel like that!" She closed her eyes. "Just . . . you need to put more thought into this. You're upset and this just happened what, an hour or two ago? You need to calm down before you just decide to cut off an entire part of your life."

"And what could I give this woman? Nami-san, even if I'm not sailing the seas right now I'm a pirate. I'm a sterile pirate with no future and so many notches on my bedpost it's whittled down to toothpick. I'm no prize. I can't start a family, I can't settle down somewhere, and I'd be doing a disservice to that woman by tying her to me. Fuck, I'm a Devil Fruit user with two fruits – I'm a freak even by THAT standard."

"Sanji-kun, I-"

Sanji shook his head and put a finger to her lips. "This is for the best, Nami-san."

It was only their inability to sleep alone that brought Sanji into their bedroom that night, but he kept himself to one side. Normally they planted themselves firmly in the middle, talking about how their day had gone or sharing things that their friends on the island were up to. Then they'd drift off to sleep, comforted by the presence of their companion.

Sanji had his back to her.

Nami felt cold and alone, even with her share of the blanket and the warm late-spring air outside. Sanji was hurting, too, but he'd completely shut her out. She clung to her pillow and clenched her eyes shut. Nothing about this situation was good. Her growing feelings for Sanji were punching her in the gut. His decision to give up women wasn't going to solve anything and that awful Deltana woman was going to continue tearing him up inside.

She wondered if it was true that all of Sanji's past partners had really just used him for a free meal ticket at the Baratie. Nami always figured guys didn't care and if someone was willing to touch them they were game – especially someone like Sanji. Then again, knowing what she knew about him, it made some sort of bizarre sense.

Sanji really did want to find the love of his life. He wanted to get married, he wanted to have children, and he wanted someone to grow old with – she couldn't blame him for not wanting to die alone. She remembered his reaction to learning he was sterile – he'd been devastated that he couldn't have children anymore (at least, not until they were sure the damage That Man had done was permanent or not). Sanji was giving up on something he wanted nearly as badly as he wanted to find the All Blue, all because of something someone had said to him.

Nami was well aware that there was talk amongst the other Straw Hats about Sanji's sex life – she knew that two of the guys had a running bet over whether the cook was the lady's man he claimed to be or if he was just a desperate virgin, and she, admittedly, had talked with Robin about him a few times (although, to be fair, Sanji WAS actively hitting on them both at the time so it was kind-of their business). Zoro always called him "love cook" like it was a bad thing, but as far as she knew the subject of these talks was oblivious to it all, or at least it wasn't bothering him.

Deltana had mentioned he had a reputation though, and Nami wondered how far across the East Blue it was. She vaguely remembered, about a year before joining Luffy, being very hungry and a couple of well-to-do girls laughing about a way to get a warm meal in exchange for "spreading her legs" – she'd walked away, but wondered if she hadn't encountered a pair of Sanji's former flings. They'd seemed catty and shallow and she'd disliked both of them instantly, thinking that whoever their meal ticket was couldn't have been much better. But if this person had been Sanji, they'd been laughing about stringing him along.

Nothing about this felt right. Nami tried to tell herself that people lived perfectly happy, celibate lives and she was just upset because of her own feelings. But the more her mind spun itself into a tizzy, the more she realized that her own romantic interests weren't playing into this. Even if they never became lovers, Sanji was still her friend and he was hurting – very badly. This didn't feel like his decision, he didn't seem happy, and absolutely no one was benefiting from it – not even Deltana.

Weren't they supposed to be getting better on this island? Physically they'd made leaps and bounds, but after tonight their emotional well being had taken a nose dive. Maybe it was a bad idea to convince Sanji to join Turnover after all – maybe it was even more her fault for putting him in the line of fire – he might have been okay if Deltana never figured out he was on the island, or at least not somewhere she'd tried to hurt him like she had, or after he'd gotten more of his confidence back some other way.

I'm so sorry, Luffy, I made us worse again, she thought miserably.

Author's Notes

Sorry this took so long – every time I went to look at this for a final read through to try and catch mistakes and typos (you know, because I'm SO GOOD at catching them all _) I got tired and gave up before finishing. On top of that convention season is upon us and I have convention prep to do (yes, I'm still going to try and do a convention – I think I'll be okay as long as I rest well when I need to, wear a medical mask, and avoid licking any doorknobs) so I'll be busy with that, too.

-Dixxy