Mass x Acceleration

By Dixxy Mouri

Chapter Twenty: What Do I Do?

A week went by, and the wall of ice in their apartment had only grown.

Ever since Sanji had made his "decision", things had changed, and it was far worse than Nami had originally predicted. She thought that maybe with time it she'd get used to it, and Sanji would be normal again, just living a life free of romantic entanglements. She tried to believe she was overreacting, she tried to believe he'd realize he was overreacting, but it didn't help.

When they were both home, things were awkward and only bare minimum communication took place – basic greetings and farewells, questions about how their days went with one word answers, requests about grabbing something if the other was going out. It was all about the motions and nothing more. Their friendship – the meaningful parts of it – had vanished into thin air.

Bedtime was the worst. Sanji had tried sleeping on the couch after that first night, but it was preventing both of them from sleeping and none of the attempts went beyond two hours. The lack of sleep both were experiencing probably wasn't helping either of their situations, and eventually he gave up, at least for the time being. Still, he kept himself to one side of the bed, always with his back to her. Even with the heat of summer approaching, Nami always felt cold.

True, her feelings for Sanji had grown, and it hurt to think that the door to something more than friendship had closed, but what really strung was the loss of everything they had before – the bonds they'd forged as pirates, as prisoners, and during their recovery on Apple Island. Sanji really had become her most precious treasure, and no amount of gold or silver could bring him back now that it looked like he was, effectively, gone.

Sanji was insistent that he was fine, but everything about him seemed a bit off kilter. His cooking had become bland, lacking his usual pizzazz and passion. Much to her surprise he was staying with the band (at least for now) but he didn't seem as invested in studying as he was before. Even the way he walked and the way he moved just wasn't him. He was a shell of a person, haunted by the memories of Deltana and the countless others who'd broken his heart.

Nami was more than a little grateful when Ria stopped by one afternoon with three cups of coffee and a written notice that she wanted to re-do the interior of her shop. "One for you, one for our dear Mr. Mayor, and one of me," Ria said with a smile and a wink as Nami started to look for the appropriate paperwork.

"Thanks – Mac stepped out a while ago but he should be back any minute, and he does love his coffee," said Nami. She sifted through the paperwork and sighed. At least someone in the room was bright and chipper. "So you want to tear down a wall to make more space in the shop? That's nice. It'll be good for your business."

"Yeah, business has been going really well and I wanted more room to display things, especially with summer coming and the harvest festival after that," Ria said dryly as she took a sip of coffee. She sat on the edge of the reception desk and eyed Nami. "Everything okay, sugah? You look like you got a little rain cloud hanging over your head."

"Not really," she said. "I don't know if Braeburn told you about what happened with Deltana."

Ria scoffed and crossed her legs. "Yeah, he did. So what if she and Sanji bumped uglies?"

"Sanji-kun was really, really badly affected by it. I'm not sure how they convinced him to stay in the band but he kind of had a break down after we got back to our apartment." Nami told Ria about Sanji's decision to swear off women and how badly things had been going at their apartment since then. The seamstress winced in sympathy.

"Damn. But, wait a minute – you kept telling me the two of you weren't in that kind of relationship, so his deciding to be celibate . . . did I miss something?" Ria asked, looking at her with and odd expression. Nami swallowed, trying to figure out how to answer. The seamstress leaned in and touched her face. "Sugah, are you crying?"

"I. . . I'm sorry . . . I just . . . I don't know what happened," Nami said, tears falling down her cheeks. No, no, no, she did NOT want to cry over this. She clenched her eyes shut as she heard the town hall doors open and close, distantly hearing the sound of the mayor. Nami opened her eyes and saw Mac hobbling towards her in concern and Ria shooing him away.

"I'm sorry, Mac, mind if Nami and I borrow you office for a little girl talk? I brought you coffee?"

Mac needed his office, but the break room on the other side offered Nami the privacy she needed. Ria and Mac quickly made a sign telling anyone who came in to knock on the mayor's door for assistance. All of this only served to make her feel even worse and more pathetic, and in that moment she hated herself for getting this upset over the situation.

Ria had made a makeshift "couch" out of two chairs pushed together and had Nami lean on her shoulder. The seamstress had her arm around her and was laying her head over her friend's, trying to comfort and be there for her. She was quiet, content to sit there with her legs crossed as Nami let her emotions gush out.

"I don't know what happened," she finally said.

"Tell me," said Ria.

Nami swallowed. "I started feeling things about him," she said. "It wasn't supposed to happen."

Ria squeezed her shoulder. "Sometimes it starts with friendship."

"But now I feel like everything's just gotten worse because of it," Nami said, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. "We were supposed to just stay friends, weren't we? And if I didn't have these stupid feelings for him this celibacy thing wouldn't hurt so much. . . except that he's not himself and that worries me. A lot." She accepted the tissues Ria gave her and blew her nose. "It's all messed up."

Ria clucked her tongue. "Sugah, it's not your fault you started to have feelings for him."

Nami shook her head. Even if Ria was right about her feelings not being anyone's fault, she didn't think she was an innocent in this situation. "But I'm the one who convinced him to audition, and I'm the one who waited to act on saying something to him. If I hadn't talked to him about the band, or if I'd said something to him earlier, we might not be in this mess, and I hate myself for getting upset over something so stupid!"

"This isn't stupid – your heart is breaking, it's okay to get upset, and Deltana is a huge bitch for saying all those things she said to him and getting his panties in a twist," said Ria. She gave Nami a squeeze. "I've had my heart broken before, too. I've never seen it happen like this, though. But falling in love is NOTHING to be ashamed of, and it isn't stupid." She crossed her arms. "And as for the audition and the band and the blow out with Deltana? How in the hell were you supposed to know someone he has some ancient history with was here on this island of all places? You weren't, because that was a million to one shot that they'd both end up here."

"It's . . . not just that. I used to use him a lot, too," said Nami. She swallowed, looking at her hands. "Before we were taken away . . . we were both different. You would barely recognize the person I was. I was always so focused on money and getting my way half the time, and Sanji-kun was . . . he liked everything on two legs. Including me. And I used that to my advantage to get things from him, and he happily obliged. I was just as bad."

"Now that I doubt," said Ria. "I mean . . . I don't doubt what that horrible man did to the two of you didn't change you both. Big stuff does that to a person. But I'm going to guess that whatever it is you two may have done to each other, either him hitting on you or your using him to get stuff . . . the two of you have a very strong friendship now. Even if you never said 'I'm sorry' to each other out loud, I think you forgave each other a long time ago."

Nami saw Ria's point, but it didn't make her feel any better. "I still don't think he's happy," said Nami, "but I don't know what to say to him. I don't think he wants to talk to me about it." She closed her eyes. "This isn't like him, and this is such a rash decision. But then he was telling me that he's been hurt so many times before, and it wasn't just her, so I don't know. I don't want to hurt him like that."

"I know, and I'm sure he knows you don't want to hurt him, either," said Ria.

"I've never felt like this for anyone before – I was so good at not falling in love," said Nami. "I couldn't. You know what my life was like before I joined Luffy? Oh, I was still a pirate, but it was different. Bad. I was my old captain's slave. He was holding my village hostage and making me draw maps and sea charts for him, all the while dangling this carrot that if I got enough money together he'd leave us alone, but once he realized I was getting close he sabotaged me – if Luffy hadn't intervened and saved me when he did, I don't know what would have happened, but I think a lot of people would have gotten hurt . . . or worse." She swallowed. "How could I live with myself if I brought someone else into that mess? It wouldn't be fair."

Ria got quiet, but continued to rub Nami's arm.

"I used to be strong and independent and now look at me. Crying over a man."

"Being a strong, independent woman isn't about not crying over men. . . most of the time, at least," said Ria. "It is perfectly okay and perfectly normal to fall in love with someone, and sometimes love hurts. I know it sucks, sugah, I've been there. A lot of people we know and love have been there. You think you're the only person on this planet who hasn't gotten moody and sulked like this? You're not the only person in this BUILDING who hasn't gone crazy over someone."

"Like you and the twins' father?"

Ria shook her head and shrugged. "No, not exactly. It was . . . let's call him a 'business connection' because at the time we were in similar lines of work." She closed her eyes. "He was a nice enough guy – a little rough around the edges but he had his soft spots, and I found him interesting – you don't usually get that with bounty hunters."

"You were a bounty hunter?" Nami asked skeptically, her arms crossed and her eyebrows raised. She rethought this and frowned, shaking her head apologetically as she remembered. "Sorry, sometimes I forget you're a swordswoman – I never see you with any swords so I don't think about it that much. You're either with your kids or your shop and that doesn't really mesh with what I think of when I think of, well, swordsmen."

Ria smirked. "It's fine, sugah – I keep my swords in good repair in case I need to use them and practice enough to keep myself in fighting form, but I don't want to use them unless I have to. Defending this island and my children is all I wish to use them for anymore." She clucked her tongue. "Bounty hunter wasn't exactly what I was doing, but I did turn in a few crooks for money."

". . . that's what a bounty hunter does."

"Shush. Anyways, we crossed paths a few times over a couple of days and ended up in a room at a tavern one night with plans to meet up again the next day to talk more business. He kind of disappeared on me after that, and not long after I found out I was pregnant." She shook her head. "I doubt he knows the girls even exist."

"So then it was just sex," said Nami.

"Yeah, pretty much – really GREAT sex, but still just sex," said Ria, shrugging it off. "I believe sex after love is a great idea and a beautiful thing, but it's never been a prerequisite for me. I'm fine with casual sex and one night stands, but I know it's not for everyone. And that's perfectly okay – it's my body, my choice. And for everyone else it's their body, their choice."

"Am I wrong for thinking Sanji's making a mistake, or am I just being selfish?"

"That I can't answer – you know him better than anyone, but the only person who can really decide if this is good for them or not is Sanji. I will say that choosing a life of complete celibacy without putting a LOT of thought into it, especially at our age, is probably an ill-advised choice, but he has to figure this out on his own. If he decides this is really what he wants to do, then the two of us will get ourselves dressed up and pick up guys at the Cider Mug and we'll find you a farmer with a firm ass. If he changes his mind and you can get his pants off, I'll make you some sexy negligees that Sanji's going to tear off of you with his teeth."

Nami couldn't help but chuckle at the joke – she was still sad and broken up inside, but even just a taste of humor was putting her in a slightly better place. Maybe she'd be able to get back to work soon. "Thanks, Ria. I think I'm doing a little better now." The seamstress smiled and gave her a hug, and it was good to know that, even if it wasn't the person she really wanted, someone was there for her.

"If he does change his mind, consider me your sexual fairy godmother."

Nami stuck her tongue out. "You're trying to live vicariously through me, aren't you?"

Ria laughed. "It is my honor and my pleasure, sugah."

"Thanks for talking some sense into me."

"It's okay – sometimes you need someone to point out the forest with all those damn trees in the way," said Ria. She pulled away. "Like I said – give him some time to sort this out. It's only been a week and he's got a lot to process, okay?" Nami nodded as she stood, and the two women walked out of the break room.

Nami got home to the smell of food cooking in the kitchen. Sanji was making dinner, but everything about it was just, somehow, wrong. Of course Nami assumed everything he was doing was, in the technical sense, right (he would NEVER do anything to risk getting either one of them sick from improper cooking), this wasn't the person she knew.

For one, Sanji was completely silent except for a muted "hey" when she walked in. Normally he gave her a cheerful greeting and waved or something before rambling on about what he was making and asking her if she had any special requests, or talking about his day (especially if he'd been watching the twins), or asking about her day. He'd always been so animated in the kitchen before – humming, bouncing from one item to another, flipping through cookbooks, anything.

At that moment he was standing in one place, absently moving a stir fry around in his wok.

Perhaps a telltale sign was the condition of his spice rack. Most of Sanji's kitchen was well-organized and neat as a pin, but never his spice rack. He'd developed a habit of taking most of the spices down from the shelves and moving them around in different combinations, muttering to himself as he shuffled them around the counter until he finally found an old favorite he wanted to return to or something new he hadn't considered before. As such, the spices never seemed to find themselves back on the rack in the same scheme twice, and only Sanji himself ever seemed to know where any given thing was. Some of the basics he used a lot were sometimes left out, and occasionally something would be put back upside down or lying on its side.

The bottles were standing in a line like soldiers at attention, gathering dust.

Nami didn't bother trying to engage him in conversation. She just smiled, slipped into the bedroom, ripped off her wig, and changed out of her work clothes. She doubted he would even notice, and chose a pair of black yoga pants with an orange stomach band and a plain white t-shirt. She returned to the living room. Sanji had changed positions, signaling that dinner might be ready soon. She curled up on Zoro's loveseat, waiting for the announcement that dinner was ready.

When Sanji called her over, Nami realized it was the same boring meal they'd eaten the past five nights in a row (baked chicken with a little salt, steamed vegetables with a hint of butter, and rice). She politely thanked him and they ate in silence only broken by the clinking of flatware against ceramic plates. Nami kept looking up at him, but realized he was solely focused on his food.

This isn't good for you. Why are you doing this to yourself?

When the food was finished, Nami offered to wash the dishes but Sanji quietly declined, forcing a smile and saying he would do it. It wasn't his usual smile – his lips were turned up in a grin, but his eyes looked sad and lonely. Nami considered trying again, but knew it wouldn't work. She retreated to the spare bedroom to sulk.

For the moment, the spare bedroom was something of a work room for both of them. There were some modest bookshelves lined with books they both needed, a desk, and an old piano Braeburn tuned every few days so Sanji would have something to practice at home with. It was dark and dimly lit, and seemed somehow desolate.

Nami sat at the piano bench. Sanji had been getting lessons with this as well, and little by little he was picking up on it. Braeburn guessed that he wouldn't be able to perform with one for a while, but it was still a good tool for practice and familiarizing himself with musical sounds and understanding what those were.

She ran her fingers gently across the keys – they were clean, so she knew he was practicing something. Maybe that was why he was staying with Turnover – it was giving him an outlet to vent, and perhaps once he was done with that he'd open up to the rest of the world again and go back to being the Sanji she knew and cared about.

Even if he didn't want to be with her the way she wanted him, she could live with that. Hearts broke – Nojiko had gone through some rough break ups, and Robin had apparently had a very intimate affair with one of the men who'd carried the Mr. 6 moniker that she got very emotional over (which, for the archaeologist, was getting quieter than usual and going to bed early). If they could move past their men, Nami would find a way to get over Sanji.

But even the thought of that hurt. Nami told herself it was because it was just so darn early in this whole process, but then again he wasn't someone she could avoid. They were roommates and saw each other every day – hell, because That Man had fucked them up so bad they had to share a damn bed just so they could sleep. He was going to be painfully close the entire time he was keeping himself so far away.

It didn't change that, for all her wits and wiles, she was at a complete loss for what to do.

Except, that is, for give him time.

Author's Notes

On Nami's yoga pants: Jerry from CP6 (CP6? I think it was CP6) had some sort of yoga pose on the sea train. Yoga exists in the One Piece world. Therefore, yoga pants are plausible.

Cancer update: Whee, was I happy with the results of my last scan! Tumor has shrunk 50%, fluid around my lung is gone, and what's left of the tumor is both less intensive and much of it's just dead cells at this point. So yeah, I'm kicking this thing's ASS.

Convention: The con I'm going to isn't until May, but I have a lot I need to do. For wigs/costumes I'm doing rule 63 Sogeking (so Sogequeen) and possibly just getting a fun wig in the dealer's room if I get sick of cosplay and want something lower maintenance (but I'm still going to want a medical mask).

Next time (provided I don't get any brilliant ideas) will touch a little on Sanji and his mental health, but through the eyes of Braeburn. And also massive teasing into the blacksmith's backstory (similar to or a little more than what you got of Ria's backstory).

Until next time!

-Dixxy