Mass x Acceleration

By Dixxy Mouri

Chapter Twenty-One: Regretting Nothing

There was no question about it – Sanji was not himself.

Braeburn was happy that Sanji was staying with Turnover, at least for now, but the passion and energy he'd found the night they'd performed at the Cider Mug for the first time had been sucked out after his little tiff with Deltana. He couldn't believe that they'd had a history, but, well, then again, knowing what he knew about both of them . . . it almost made a tragic sort of sense.

Deltana had been on Apple Island about two months before he and Ria made landfall. Her story wasn't as tragic some of the other tales that brought people to the island – she'd gotten involved with a merchant's son who had his hands dirty in the human trade and tried to sell her for a pretty penny after convincing her to leave the East Blue. She'd escaped by stowing away on what she hadn't realized was one of Shanks' ships, and the emperor took pity on her and allowed her to stay on this island, the safest of his territories on the Grand Line.

Sanji, Braeburn knew, had joined the Straw Hats while they were still in the East Blue, Deltana's sea of birth. Since he'd been working at such a high profile restaurant (and working under a formerly high-profile pirate, Red Foot Zeff), it seemed plausible to him that, well, yes, perhaps an encounter between the two was possible.

And really, Braeburn didn't blame Sanji for what happened. He wasn't a stranger to affairs of the heart, either, although it sounded like the cook had accumulated a much longer list of former partners. Braeburn could count his sexual partners with two hands (seven) and two of them he was absolutely certain he'd been in love with, the rest consisting of a couple of one night stands or girlfriends who didn't really work out for whatever reason. He got it, he really did.

The week after Turnover's big debut had been Deltana's solo debut, which the blacksmith had attended, making sure he was front and center to give his former vocalist the evil eye just in case she got any ideas about spreading rumors regarding her and Sanji. It happened, yes, and there was nothing they could do to change it, but Braeburn was NOT going to let her tear down his friend's reputation for her own chance in the spotlight.

Which, to put it "nicely", Deltana's solo debut was nothing short of a train wreck. She was clearly drunk, her vocals were way off, and it was only his loyalty to Sanji that kept Braeburn in that front row seat for the entirety of the performance. Sure a couple of drunks seemed to enjoy the "visuals" she provided, but the blacksmith noticed there were more empty seats after the lights went up than there were before they went down.

Still, the ones who stayed kept enough alcohol flowing to convince Haralson to keep her on rotation (which Braeburn understood – as much as he didn't like Deltana, the restaurant owner had to keep his employees paid and his business in good repair, and if she was bringing in enough money to make those things happen . . .). They'd alternate Friday and Saturday night performances every week going forward, and Braeburn would continue to make sure at least himself, Jimmy, or Darryl (who, for a, effective mute could be very intimidating) was at Deltana's shows to make sure she didn't attack Sanji's reputation.

But now it was a few days after Deltana's little show and it was time for Turnover to start concentrating on their next set, which would be that Friday. Braeburn was sorting through sheet music, trying to find songs that he suspected might brighten Sanji's mood, while waiting for his band to show up for practice.

There was a knock on the door. Braeburn got up to get it, and saw Sanji waiting outside. "Hey, you're bright and early today," he said with a grin. Sanji flashed him a quick smile, but otherwise stayed quiet. Braeburn stepped aside to let his vocalist in, but frowned to see that the other man was still moody.

Braeburn decided to usher Sanji into the living room to try and get through to him. "Is everything okay?" Sanji asked. The blacksmith encouraged him to sit down – the cook was a little fidgety, and Braeburn bit his bottom lip. "Did I do something wrong?" He swallowed. "I tried really hard the night of the performance – did I not do good enough?"

"No, no, you did fantastic! You had a couple of pitch problems here and there but you were FINE. To be honest, I went to Deltana's show a couple of days ago and we have definitely got a better product than she has – it was a mess, she sucks, don't worry about it. I'm worried because you haven't been yourself since the show," said Braeburn. Sanji sighed and looked away. "Jimmy and Darryl are worried, too. What's going on, exactly? I get that you and Deltana have a history but this is different."

"She made me a whore," said Sanji, staring ahead with his hands in his lap. He paused, sighed, and turned to look at him. "Braeburn, I lost my virginity in a public restroom! She set me on this horrible path and I didn't realize how much I fucked my life up until the night of the performance. This is more than just history – my sex life is like a blue print for how not to be with women."

"Sanji, sometimes people don't have a . . . perfect record . . . when it comes to the people we end up in bed with. I've been the unwitting 'other man' before and I had one girlfriend who was, to be polite, the scariest broad I've ever met," said Braeburn. He winced at the memory of her screaming at a cat over a can of tuna . . . and then trying to decapitate said feline with a machete. "Matters of the heart can be confusing and it takes a while to figure it out. I'm thirty-two and I'm still not sure I've got a good grip on it."

Sanji looked away. "I'm twenty-one and I'm pushing at least fifty partners."

Braeburn put on his best poker face. Are you part rabbit? "How old were you the first time?"

"Seventeen, and keep in mind I haven't had any since I was nineteen, when I was . . . you know. I racked up that number over about a two year period. Whatever it is. I stopped counting at forty-seven, but I'm pretty sure there's more. I just can't stomach thinking about it," he said. He sighed. "I wanted to find the one – someone to woo and romance and marry someday. Someone to raise a family with. But I don't think that's possible anymore."

"Why not?" asked Braeburn.

"You don't even know all of the stuff wrong with me. I'm a pirate, first of all – I can't offer a woman stability. Thanks to that asshole I'm sterile so I can't give a woman children. I don't necessarily feel like I needed to be a virgin on my wedding night but I think the number I've been with is excessive, especially considering, in the end, not a one of them actually MEANT anything," said Sanji. He turned to Braeburn. "All of them were one night stands or girlfriends who just . . . didn't mean anything. I've had tons of sex, but I've never once made love to a woman. I know there's got to be a difference but I've never experienced that. I probably THOUGHT I was doing that, but no, no I wasn't."

Braeburn closed his eyes. "I've been lucky – there are two women I've been with who I was in love with and the sex we had was love making." Braeburn closed his eyes, smiling a little at the memories. "They were both . . . amazing. I didn't have that long with either of them, but those years and months are sacred to me."

Sanji crossed his legs. "They weren't at the same time, were they?"

"What? No! No, no, no, I've never cheated on a woman, least of all those two," Braeburn said defensively, holding up his hands. "And you're right – it is different when you're in love. There are similarities, of course, but the emotions and the intimacy can't be compared," he said. "You'll understand when you find one you really love."

"No, I won't," said Sanji. "I'm giving up on women."

Suddenly, Sanji's odd behavior was explained. "You're what?"

"I'm tired of being hurt by women and making bad decisions around them," said Sanji. He put his head in his hands. "You have no idea how BAD I was before we were kidnapped. I hit on almost EVERY woman I ran across. I salivated over Nami-san like some kind of a dog in heat and treated her like a fucking object – same goes for the other women we've traveled with. And the way I treated the men in my life was disgusting. Braeburn, you are probably the closest guy friend I've ever had. There's one guy on my old crew I used to get into physical altercations with every single day – we just could not get along. And I was always yelling at and berating everyone else. I was an asshole, and it took getting tortured for a year for me to realize that."

Braeburn stayed quiet, unsure how to respond to this part of Sanji's confession. Still, it seemed like something else was going on under the surface, but what? After contemplating for a few more moments, the blacksmith raised a question. "So . . . you used to have a crush or something on Nami?" he asked. He could see where Sanji would get that – she was pretty cute.

Sanji looked like he'd been shot through the heart. "My feelings for her came back."

Braeburn turned his head to the side. "You're in love with Nami?"

"I'm not sure how it happened. It's like I completely fell out of love with her and then I realized I was thinking about her a lot and . . . all of the songs I picked? I realized they were all about her. And my feelings were different from before. Before it was a lot of lust and carnal feelings. I wanted her bad, but it was a lot of focus on her body, not who she was. When I realized part of what was turning me on recently was her personality and her spirit and who she is I figured out it was different."

"So why give up on women if she makes you happy?" asked Braeburn.

"Because I don't think I can make her happy," said Sanji, lowering his head into his hands again. "And I can't risk our friendship. If we tried to make a romance work and it failed, I don't know what it would do to us. It might destroy us. Braeburn, we STILL can't sleep apart, and I've tried a lot harder but all it did was make us both extra tired."

"Why can't you make her happy?"

"I already told you – I've had too many partners, I don't know how marriage and family would work with everything that's happened . . . I just . . ." Sanji's voice caught in his throat. "I have to do this. Being with her would be selfish of me. She can do so much better than me, and I can't tie her down. She's smart and beautiful and driven and I can't give her what she deserves."

Braeburn stayed quiet. He'd heard everything Sanji was saying, but deep down he didn't believe him. Deltana dug her claws into his heart and as long as that grip doesn't let go, he's not going to be able to move past this. He reached over and touched Sanji's shoulder. "Don't just give up like this," he said. Sanji looked away, still clearly hurt. "Finding someone you love and sharing so much as a brush of the hand with them is amazing. And yes, losing them hurts – I've lost both of the women I love but you know something? I don't regret what I had with them, no matter how much it hurt."

"How did you lose them?" asked Sanji.

Braeburn felt a stab in his heart. "I don't want to talk about that right now."

"You were the one who said you'd lost the two women you loved the most."

"Just because I don't regret being with them doesn't mean the memories don't hurt."

"What could be so bad you don't even want to talk about it?" asked Sanji.

Braeburn felt himself lose his temper. "One's dead, and the other . . . I don't know!"

Sanji got quiet, and the blacksmith immediately regretted bringing them up. "Braeburn . . . I'm sorry. I had no idea you'd been hurt like that," he said quietly. Braeburn shook his head, and realized that maybe this was a conversation the two of them shouldn't have started. "I . . . still don't know if pursuing a romance is good idea for me anymore, and I'm really sorry about what happened to you . . . whatever it was that happened . . . but . . . ."

"Let's . . . let's go over your sight reading. You're getting better, but I think you still need some more practice, and since Jimmy and Darryl aren't here yet . . . maybe now's a good time, you know? Since it's just the two of us and we can concentrate," said Braeburn. Sanji paused for several moments before slowly nodding, and for the moment the conversation was dropped, neither man willing to broach the subject again as they headed to the music room.

A few hours later, after Sanji, Jimmy, and Darryl left the forge, Braeburn found himself alone with his thoughts and his feelings, and the depth of his conversation with the cook hit him in the stomach again. Swallowing and fighting tears, he made sure his front door was locked before heading into his bedroom.

Once in the confines of his room, Braeburn shut the door and opened the bottom drawer of his dresser. It's where he kept a simple mahogany box that contained his most valued possessions. He retrieved the box, shut the drawer, and sat down on the bed. As he started to flip the latches to open the container, he could already feel the tears starting to form.

Author's Notes

We'll get to Sanji's point of view next chapter, currently in the hands of my beta reader. Short chapter, I know (possibly the shortest one I've done so far) but there wasn't much to do this chapter, either. Next couple of chapters will be a bit meatier (this isn't set in stone but you're all PROBABLY getting Gala's backstory in Chapter 23)

-Dixxy