Mass x Acceleration
By Dixxy Mouri
Chapter Twenty-Two: Is This What I Want?
It had been a month since his encounter with Deltana, and Sanji still felt miserable.
Life on Apple Island had been going so well. Sanji was making friends and doing a damn good job of not constantly fighting with them. Even though he was working three jobs, he loved all of them and found different kinds of satisfaction with each one. He was bouncing back from what That Man had done to him and the woman who was now his best friend. And his friendship with Nami had been special, and his heart was telling him that maybe there could be more to it.
Now . . . now he didn't know what he wanted anymore.
Sanji kept on top of his jobs, trying to lose himself in the responsibilities he'd taken on. He still reported to the Cider Mug bright and early to make the day's soups, and still watched the twins whenever Ria needed him to. He kept up with his lessons and practices with Turnover. But somehow all of it seemed to be falling flat, and investing himself in any of it was taking everything out of him.
Yet, it was all a cakewalk compared to what he had to do to suppress his feelings for Nami.
Despite his best efforts to tell himself he was swearing off women and that was that, his heart still sang for her. Sanji felt like crying every time she walked through the door of their apartment. He loved her, but he couldn't possibly have her. He was broken – Nami deserved so much better. She deserved someone who could give her the world, someone who could make her happy and smile and laugh for the rest of her life. She didn't even seem that happy to see him anymore – maybe now that she saw just how much of a whore he really was she was starting to question him.
Making matters worse, Kishido was still haunting him. Not daily, but every so often he could see his other self – sometimes at the Cider Mug, either as a customer during his normal shifts as a cook or between numbers while performing with Turnover. Most of the time it was at home, especially if Nami was around. He'd be sitting in the living room or leaning against a wall, eyeing him coolly, as if daring him to speak to his friend.
"I'm protecting her from YOU," he'd spat once.
Sanji had returned to the spot on the beach where Cobbler had found them, the place where he'd drawn Nami's face in the sand. He was looking out at the horizon, torn on what was out there. Luffy and the others? Zeff? Or maybe That Man was still looking for them, ready to drag him back into the bowels of his ship to use his body again and again and again, injecting him with drug after drug and slicing him open and beating and electrocuting him and drowning him.
He brought his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, sniffling before lowering his head. Sanji clenched his eyes shut, digging his fingers into his legs. His body wasn't his – not anymore. He'd been a sexual plaything for over fifty women. He'd been a guinea pig for Tesla. He couldn't get those things back – he'd never be able to swim again, he'd never have a truly fulfilling relationship with a woman, and it was all his own damn fault.
Sanji stayed there on the beach, sobbing to himself until his felt a large, warm presence to his left. He lifted his head and saw the large, shaggy form of Cobbler at his side. The dog whimpered at him, licking his cheek and nuzzling him. "Go away, Cobbler," Sanji said quietly. "I'm not worth your time. Go home."
Cobbler stayed put, laying down next to Sanji and snorting into the sand.
Sanji stared at the dog. "What do you want from me?" The dog whined again, then sat up and started to sniff him. "Can you smell it on me? Do I smell like a whore to you? Do I smell like Devil Fruit?" Cobbler licked him again. "I don't understand what you want from me. I'm not worth your time, you stupid dog! I'm just a whore of an ability user! I'm worthless to you!"
Cobbler just continued to stare at him sadly, nudging his shoulder with his nose.
New waves of tears rushed over him. "Cobbler . . . please . . . just leave me alone . . ."
The dog refused to obey. He stayed by Sanji's side, continuing to nuzzle and whimper at him. The cook gave up, burying his face in his knees again. He couldn't even get a stupid dog to leave him alone. How long before he screwed up with the Cider Mug or the twins or the band? How long before Nami got sick of him? How long before Luffy realized he could do better?
Cobbler licked him again.
Not sure exactly what he was doing, Sanji flung his arms around the dog and started to cry even harder. It was the most contact he'd had with anyone or anything in weeks. Cobbler smelled a little, in the ways animals usually do, but he was warm and soft and was treating him like a sick and injured puppy. Now the dog felt bad for him – how much lower could he sink? Sympathy from a dog?
Why did Cobbler even care about him?
Sanji walked Cobbler back to Mac's house after he had a chance to compose himself. The mayor thanked him and offered him afternoon tea, but the cook politely declined. The dog tried to follow him as he left, but Mac had a good grip on his collar and gently ushered the animal inside. Sanji watched in disinterest – it really did seem like Cobbler was . . . worried.
But why?
Sanji started the walk back to town, his hands in his pockets as he thought about this. Cobbler had sensed he was upset and tried to comfort him. He suspected the dog probably didn't understand what was going through his head, so he probably just saw him as a "sad human" without fully realizing what was going on. He didn't get it. He couldn't get it.
"Is this really what you want?"
Sanji paused and turned around. Standing on the path behind him was Luffy.
"Luffy!" Sanji cried, running towards his captain. Yasopp must have returned and brought Luffy and the others with him. He'd be able to see everyone – Usopp and Chopper and Robin and Franky and Brook, even the shithead swordsman and the ballerina would be there! He was in tears as he threw his arms around his captain . . .
. . . only to find nothing there. Sanji fell to his knees in the middle of the path, his arms wrapped around himself, tears flowing down his cheeks. He's not really here. It wasn't really him at all. He lowered his head, frustrated with the cruelty of the illusion. Making him believe he was seeing his captain again after so long?
The illusion stepped in front of him and squatted, much in the way the real rubber man did. "It's okay, Sanji. I'm sorry I'm not real," Luffy said solemnly. Sanji swallowed. Yeah, this wasn't . . . quite Luffy. The real Luffy would have been yelling and screaming and crying when he saw him, bouncing around in excitement. This hallucination was quiet and subdued as he sat itself down on the path and crossed its legs. "We need to talk."
"You're not real," Sanji said.
"I know. But you need to hear this," said the hallucination. The fake Luffy reached forward to where Sanji's chest was and closed his eyes. "Your heart is hurting. That's why I'm here. Because you're never going to get better if you don't let your heart heal." He smiled, pulling his arm back. "I can't bring you back to the ship to be pirates with me again if you're not better. So you have to get better."
"I don't know if I can," said Sanji.
"What, because some girl hurt you a bunch of years ago? Come on, Sanji, what does that matter? I'll kick her ass if you need me to!" The illusion cracked it's knuckles. "Anyone who hurts one of my friends and makes them cry can pay."
"I don't want you to kick her ass," said Sanji. "Most of this is my fault, anyways. I'm a slut."
"Yeah, I know."
"That's not helping!"
The hallucination shook its head. "But I don't CARE about that, because that isn't all there is to you. Usopp's more than just a liar, Zoro's more than just a drunk, Franky's more than just a robot . . . you're all my friends and that's what's important to me," said Luffy. He sat up a little, grinning. "Sanji, I want you to tell me about the day we first met. Tell me why I wanted you to join my crew."
"You needed a cook and I was the first one you attached yourself to?" Sanji said dryly.
Luffy sighed. "No. What were you doing right before I told you I wanted you in my crew?"
Sanji closed his eyes. "Feeding Ghin."
"Why?" asked Luffy. "He tried to attack your restaurant and got into a fight with your friend."
"Because he was starving, and he would have died. All he wanted was food," said Sanji.
"Did he pay you?"
"No, he didn't have any money," said Sanji. He was looking at the ground somberly. "I wouldn't have gotten in trouble with Zeff, but I threw his plate into the ocean when he was done. I can't stand to see people starve, even if they're an enemy – it's a pain that no one should have to go through. I know you get hungry but even you don't understand starvation."
"Yeah, probably not. But that's it – that's what made you different from the other cooks on the Baratie. Zeff, too, but he was never an option. You were the one who was cooking for the sake of being a cook, and for feeding hungry people, and that made you happy. I liked that. That's why you were the only one I wanted to be my cook."
"I always yelled at you for eating too much."
"You were trying to keep the crew safe – you were afraid of starving again. You didn't want anyone else to starve, either. You were protecting everyone – and I mean EVERYONE," said Luffy. "They mean more to you than you realize. You didn't want anyone to starve, not me, not Zoro, not anyone. You acted like you only cared about the girls but that was never true."
"How?"
"You saved Chopper from Foxy by putting aside your differences with Zoro, because you knew that was more important. You had to get Chopper back, and you couldn't risk losing someone else." The illusion started to stand up. "You tried to stop Usopp from leaving the crew in Water 7 – you tried to stop the fight because you didn't want to see us fall apart, and you didn't want to lose Usopp. Even after he was gone, you still helped him on the sea train, too," said Luffy. Sanji froze – he'd nearly forgotten about that. "And on Thriller Bark – you tried to stop Zoro from letting that bear guy hurt him. You and Zoro fight all the time, sure, but letting him die wasn't an option."
"And . . . and I saved everyone in Arabasta . . . from Crocodile . . . I saved you from drowning in Arlong Park . . . I sabotaged that flying ship in Skypiea, and got in the way of Usopp fighting a CP9 agent who would have killed him if he'd gotten a chance," said Sanji. He was shuddering. Maybe he was better at being a member of the crew than he realized.
"You're our friend, and we're you're friends. I'm glad you're trying to work on the day-to-day stuff with the guys in your band – and seriously, I can't wait to hear you sing, like, you and Brook should seriously do stuff together when you can come back home – but you were there when it counted. That's another thing I like about you, Sanji."
Sanji swallowed. "Luffy."
"I need you to do something for me, Sanji," said Luffy. "I need you to go see the big party guy."
"Big party?" asked Sanji, not sure what Luffy was talking about.
"You know, the doctor guy."
"You mean 'Gala'?" Sanji said dryly.
"Yeah, like a big party with lots of food!" said Luffy.
"Why do I need to go see Gala?" asked Sanji. "I'm not sick."
Luffy stared at him blankly. "You're an idiot."
"What?"
"You've been talking to an empty space for five minutes."
"But I-" Sanji paused, and saw that Luffy had vanished into thin air. He looked around, but saw no sign of his captain – real or imaginary. Sanji struggled to his feet and looked back towards the town, and the final piece of advice that the hallucination had given him. If I'm still hallucinating, maybe I should talk to Gala . . .
Sanji left Gala's office a few hours later. There'd been a long talk, a few medical tests (including a few blood draws, but the doctor has used the smallest needles he had available and got them over and done with as quickly as possible), and a new prescription for some anti-hallucinatory drugs that might cut down on unwanted appearances by Kishido. "Even though I normally don't advise my patients to listen to delusions, your captain was right – you did the right thing coming to me," Gala had said.
After making it to their building, Sanji tried to gauge whether or not Nami was home. He frowned – it was still light out, so she wouldn't have the lights in their apartment on yet even if she was home. There'd be no way to tell until he got inside, so he let himself into the building and climbed the stairs to their floor, pondering the day's events with the bottle of pills clutched in his hand.
"So you're trying to get rid of me? Trying to put her in harm's way?"
Sanji had his key in their apartment door. He froze in place and clenched his eyes shut. He'd taken one of Gala's pills before leaving the doctor's office, and had been told it might be a few days before it really started to kick in. Which meant, if Kishido decided to pay him any visits, he was on his own. For the moment, Sanji chose to ignore the hallucination and let himself into the apartment.
Kishido was already inside, waiting for him. Sanji closed the door behind him, leaned against it, and glared. "You're going to be gone in a few days. Then I don't need to listen to you anymore. Got that?" he spat. Maybe indulging the hallucination wasn't the best way to handle it, but for the moment it was all he could think to do.
"Hmph."
Sanji focused on getting into the kitchen to start dinner. He looked in the fridge and frowned – oh, he had enough to feed the two of them no problem, but it all looked too . . . familiar. Chicken. Didn't we have chicken last night . . . and the night before? He paused, confused. How long have I been doing that?
Sanji leaned back against the counter, then realized that, yes, it HAD been a lot of the same old thing over and over again. The same dishes and pots and pans were being washed over and over again because he hadn't been using anything else. He crossed his arms as he turned to look at his spice rack – his go-to favorites were almost empty, which was normal, but the others were eerily full of red and brown and black powders.
"It's just food," said Kishido. "Get over it."
No, no it wasn't just food – not to him. Sanji turned to glare at Kishido. "You're not part of me."
"What?"
"It's not 'just food'," said Sanji. "I'm a cook – it's never just food."
"And you're supposed to be chivalrous!" Kishido snapped.
"That, too." Sanji turned to Kishido and gave him a grin. "But I'm a lot of other things, too. I'm a pirate – even if I'm out of commission until my captain comes and gets me and Nami-san, it doesn't change who I am. I'm a dreamer, too, because someday I'm going to find the All Blue, and Nami-san is going to put it on her map of the world – we're going to complete our dreams together!"
Kishido looked taken aback. "So what?"
Sanji took a few steps forward. "You're not the same Kishido I saw on That Man's ship, are you? You're something different," he said slowly. "I don't know what you are, but that Kishido helped me and Nami-san escape. He pushed me forward to do what I had to do . . . but all you've been doing is holding me back."
"Of course I'm the same Kishido! What else would I be?"
"Everything that I'm trying to get away from," said Sanji. He closed his eyes. "I'm done running from things I can't change. I can't go back to before That Man made me eat a Devil Fruit and took my ability to swim and a year of my life. I can't go back to being the stupid virgin who fell for Deltana's little ploy. But you know what? I still have the power to move forward."
Kishido snorted. "Really now."
"The other Kishido pushed me to escape so I could live my life. Just like the time Zeff saved me from starvation, and like the time Luffy saved me from myself," said Sanji. He could feel his heart pounding. "You do not get to live my life for me. Deltana does not get to live my life for me. That Man doesn't get to live my life for me. The only person who gets to live my life is ME!"
"Idiot! So you're going to hurt her for what?"
Sanji glared back. "How exactly am I hurting her?"
"You'd only hold her back!" Kishido snapped. "You can't give her anything!"
Sanji could feel the doubts that had been plaguing him start to creep back into his train of thought, but then he caught a glimpse of their coffee table and saw the book of Imaki Imahara poems sitting there on the edge. "Maybe I can, maybe I can't . . . but that doesn't matter, does it?" He walked over to the table and picked up the book.
Nami-san had me read this to calm down when I was nervous about Turnover's big debut, Sanji thought to himself. She'd been really worried about him the night before and all that morning, fussing over him like there was really something wrong. It was a small thing, but it was genuine. She cared that he was upset, and she knew how to help calm him down.
That was love. Even if it wasn't the kind of love Sanji thought he wanted from her, it was something. Lover or not, she was his best friend, and that meant something to him. It meant everything to him. He turned to face Kishido, who was starting to look like a little deranged. His armor and cape were disheveled, his hair was a mess, and his face and hands were now longer and bonier, like some sort of nightmare creature.
"I'm not afraid of you anymore. And I'm going to move on with my life. You can't hold me back."
And with that, the monster Kishido was nowhere to be seen.
The following day, Sanji got an idea.
Author's Notes
Well looks like Sanji's on the road to recovery but he's not QUITE there yet. Also he seems to be up to something and I'm sure you're all dying to know what that is.
Okay, so bad story-related news. I'm going to be rather busy for the next few weeks. There's that anime convention coming up, and I'm going on a little road trip, and my laptop, while working, is not travel worthy thanks to a nasty spill it took back in February (no, laptop, the floor is not your friend). There's a good chance there won't be a new chapter until after Memorial Day after the dust settles. It could happen sooner, but it's probably unlikely.
Dixxy