Chapter 11

I feel numb again. It's just like when my parents died. I think it's my body's coping mechanism. Blocking out all of the bad feelings so that I don't completely fall apart. It's how I live now. In a state of numbness. The basic survival instincts we all have from birth is all that's keeping me alive.

It doesn't matter though. I'm alive. Well, as alive as a person in my circumstances could be. Recently I've been teaching myself to hunt. I can't live on canned foods forever. I need to keep up my strength and protein is the way to go. It will help me build muscle and gain energy. My side is almost completely healed; it only hurts when I push myself too hard. This past week had been spent trying to find somewhere more permanent to stay for a while. I've been on the run since Clary died and even though I'm eating quite well, I can feel my strength failing me. Some days, it's a struggle to even make myself get up and moving. Then I remember this isn't for school, it's for survival. That gets me up. Usually. Some days I lay there for hours, staring at the sky. There's one upside to this entire thing. Humans may be dying off but the rest of the world is absolutely gorgeous. The plant life grows as if nothing ever happened. It's only been a few months but lot's of buildings have plants growing up the sides and grass is spreading like a wildfire. Speaking of wildfires, that brings us to my current problem. I'm in the middle of the forest, I have no idea where I'm going. Also, I smell smoke.

Fire's been a huge fear of mine since I was little. I was 6 at the time and I had an older brother. He was quite a bit older than me, 19 actually. He left for college the year before and lived in an apartment building. Luckily, we got to go visit him often because his college was only an hour away. That's when the fire happened. We were on the third floor, in his apartment, when the smoke started leaking out from under the door. My parents were in the living room while I was with my brother in his room so, they saw it first. Suddenly one of the walls broke down and fire began to engulf the apartment. My parents tried to get to us but the smoke forced them out through the fire escape. There wasn't one in my brothers room. Before I knew it, the floor collapsed. We were trapped in the hallway that led to the living room. This part is very blurry but I remember exactly what my brother said.
"You're gonna be alright El! You hear me? I'm going to get you out of here. I love you." I love you... The last words I ever heard him speak. In seconds, he had lifted me up and threw me over the hole. I landed hard on my knees and turned back just to see him look me in the eyes, then fall through the floor. Everything went black and it was a long time before I woke up. When I did, I was on a bed. There were doctors all around me and we were moving. I heard short sentences like "Oxygen deprivation." and "Smoke inhalation." Six-year-old me had to no clue what these meant but I had been taught to trust doctors. I felt too scared to move even if I wanted to so I just sat there and let them do whatever they needed too.

Eventually, I blacked out again and woke up in a hospital room. My parents were sat around my bed. They look awful, like they'd been constantly crying, and my mother was launched into another fit of sobs when I asked where my brother was. That's when they told me he was dead. I didn't say much for days after that. I was even silent at his funeral, even though they had no body to put in the casket. Those next few months were the worst part of my life, up until now. I've hated fire ever since that day. I've seen it as an evil thing that ruins lives and tears apart happiness. It's the one childhood fear I never let go of. The only person that knew about it besides my family was StarDestroyer1999. I told him everything that was safe to share with someone online.

This is a huge problem. I know there's a fire coming towards me and all I can do is sit here, frozen in fear. The sky is turning dark, slightly illuminated by the glow of the fire. Small embers float to the ground like dark, fiery, leaves. It's not until I can actually see some of the fire that the instinct kicks in to run. I'm up on my feet and flying through the trees. The fire is chasing me like some demon, fast and un-relentless. The heat of the flames is constant behind me and small sparks land on my arms and back, leaving burns that go unnoticed as I run. The air is smokey and orange. It would be beautiful if I were to be looking at a picture but right in the midst of it, all I can think of is staying alive. I have no idea how deep in the forest I am. It could be miles before I reach the edge and I'll be out of breath by then. My lungs were already burning from my constant sprint. The smoke wasn't helping me either. I could feel myself slowing down. exhaustion beginning to set in. I was going to collapse. My legs hurt, my chest, my head hurt. Everything hurt. Maybe it was the fire, maybe it was the running, maybe my body was finally giving up on me but it was a huge surprise when my feet hit solid ground instead of forest dirt. A highway. I collapsed on the road. Just like when I was in that apartment all those years ago, I blacked out.

It was dark when I woke up. Everything around me wad charred, black. The trees are nothing but burnt columns of wood. As I sat up, a thick layer of ash fell off of my body. It must've collected there while I was unconscious. I was honestly surprised I was still alive. If the fire and smoke didn't get me, I was sure the walkers would. Maybe they had all burned. I looked down to see my hands shaking. It had all been so much and the memories of my brothers death were all brought back to me, sending waves of fear and sadness into my mind. It's as if the accident happened all over again. I sat in the road, my legs crossed, and just stared at the destruction. All of this had completely reinforced my fear of fire and it would be a long time before I would be able to trust it again. I would survive without it. I could just keep myself safe in other ways... Fire wasn't a necessity. Except for cooking food.. Ok, I'd have to use fire sometimes but that didn't mean I had to be too close to it. I'll be fine.