Memories
Empty
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She stood gazing at herself in the mirror. Then down at the bottle on the sink. Back up at the mirror. Her eyes looked so empty, even to herself. How well she hid it, even from herself. Dead eyes, cold eyes, gold eyes. Eyes devoid of emotion. It had been a difficult choice to make. Stay depressed or cut herself off from her emotions. In the end, she'd thrown up walls between the thinking part of her mind and the feeling part. She had no idea that the consequences were so…serious. She was unable too keep herself anchored, unable to hold herself to this reality. Readying herself, she let the barriers break away and flooded herself with emotion. She gasped as wave after wave of pain, loss and anger ran through her. Her hands clenched on the porcelain rim and it cracked as she snarled. Why? Why had he died? WHY? And the bottle of anti-depressants were knocked to the floor as she let the pain run its course. She'd been hiding, instead of letting nature and the mourning process take its course. Then she dropped to the floor and curled up into a ball and cried. Her fingers dug into her face, leaving bloodied marks. She felt Dragon withdraw. It couldn't handle the stronger emotions like love, sadness and hatred. Then she felt something odd. Something tiny and tugging, a part of Dragon and her, an amalgam, a fusion of their being, tainted with something that was neither of them. Then as suddenly as she felt it, Dragon pulled a shroud around it.
It is not ready yet. You will understand soon.
She allowed it that. Instead of pressing on it, she felt for the thread that linked her with Jean and sent a series of emotions down it. A few images would make their way through as well. She felt happiness from Jean about the things she told her about the school, concern over the rising anti-mutant sentiment and sorrow over Curt's death. There was a thumping at the door.
"Tora, if you don't come out, I'm going to knock the door down!"
She stood up, wiped the drying blood from her face where the cuts had healed, rubbed the tears away and picked up the anti-depressants before measuring out two and flushing them down the toilet. Who honestly thought she needed them? She opened the door just as Logan charged into it and he fell on top of her.
"What the…!"
She burst out laughing at the look on his face as he rolled off her.
"Sorry."
"It's fine."
He helped her up and frowned.
"I can smell blood."
"I cut myself."
The words came out easily. Logan nodded. She'd worked out how to tell the truth whilst not telling the whole truth. It worked quite well. He pressed his head to her forehead.
"Are you okay?"
She blinked and lowered her head.
"What do you think?"
"Tell me what's wrong."
Her eyes flashed silver for a second before she started to walk away.
"Tora, tell me."
She turned around, a slight flare of silver light flickering around her face.
"Fine! This is what's wrong. Our son died and all I can think is why. Why Logan? I've danced with death, we both have, yet when it came to it, they took our son. Why did I have to lose him Logan? We've both done terrible things and he was innocent."
"We can't tell Tora. No one knows."
"Well, I'm supposed to!"
She brought her hand up to the silver chain with the blue stone.
"Do you know what this represents?"
"No."
"It shows I'm someone who knows stuff. Or is supposed to at any rate."
"What are you saying?"
"Logan, Dragon answers to only three authorities. Itself, The Living Tribunal and The One-Above-All. I'm supposed to know stuff."
"What…?"
"Logan, Dragon is more powerful than Galactus. Maybe not in outright power, but I can add bits onto the universe if required. I could stop a sun exploding if I so desired. I could piece together a shattered planet from the remnants. I have healed a world Galactus devoured. And I couldn't save my son."
"Tora…"
She turned and walked away. Just before she left the room she rested her hand on the doorframe and turned her head towards him.
"Why couldn't I save him?"
Then she slipped away whilst he stood with his mouth open, unable to answer.
Phoenix tilted her head backwards.
"I know the feeling, having the power inside you but being unable to harness it."
Her masked companion nodded.
"It is a curse and a blessing in one. No mortal mind should hold the power, but when they do they can work for good or evil."
Her knuckles bled as she punched the metal again and again. She ignored the sounds of the students backing off, ignored the whispers. And then Storm was standing beside her worried.
"Tora, Logan's looking for you."
"And?"
"He's going to Japan. A Yashida has been kidnapped. He wants you to come with him."
"No."
"Tora, please just come and speak to him."
"I don't want to see anyone."
"Tora, he's leaving in half an hour. If you won't go with him, Kitty's waiting to go."
Gold eyes met sky-blue.
"I'm empty 'Ro. I can't feel anymore. Everything is empty. I'm afraid that if I see Logan, I'll feel empty about him as well."
Storm pulled her friend into a hug.
"I know it hurts you. Just go and say goodbye."
Tora nodded then allowed Ororo to lead her to the War Room. Logan was arguing with Scott as Kitty fiddled with something on the table, Lockheed on her shoulder. They all looked up when Tora entered the room. To her relief, the emptiness faded, to be filled with warmth and love. Logan raised an eyebrow.
"You coming?"
"No. Someone has to look after Jamie and Eva. Anyway, I trust Kitty to look after you. Kitty, make sure he doesn't do anything stupid."
The young woman shrugged.
"He never listens to a word I say."
"Logan, Kitty is my voice understand? Her word is law."
He laughed.
"It's just a straightforward kidnapping but they want a huge amount of money. I'm going to get the kid out for them."
"Don't do anything stupid and try not to die."
He laughed.
"It's pretty tricky to kill me."
"I could do it and you might not remember but there are vast stocks of healing-halter, most of which were sold to the highest bidder. I don't know if it was synthesized or not but be careful."
"I'm always careful."
She smiled and let him hug her. His head was pressed to the top of hers and she heard the whisper.
"You stay safe as well."
"I will. Hurry home."
"With you and the kids waiting for me? Of course I will."
The others quietly left to allow them time to say a proper goodbye.
"Tora, try not to brood."
"I won't. Just…try and be back soon. For me."
"Tora, if I had my way, I would never leave you."
"Oh, you're just saying that."
"You know I'm not."
His arms tightened around her as he breathed in her scent.
"Wish me luck?"
"You don't need it. Anyway, you make your own luck. Now toddle of to save the day."
"That's it? No fanfare, no telling me how much you love me?"
"You know full well you hate it when we all crowd round to say goodbye and you know how much I love you and I don't think you need reminding. Your head would get stuck in the door."
He laughed at that and let go so he could look her in the eyes.
"Well then, no goodbye for you."
"Just go you idiot."
The words were fond, teasing.
"Goodbye Tora."
And he walked out, barely hearing the quiet words whispered after him.
"Goodbye Carcajou. I love you."
Phoenix frowned.
"Was that when everything went mad?"
"Oh yes."
Death groaned.
"I had so much trouble. People coming in then leaving, making a mess of the visitor book."