I have worked very hard on book one of this series. I really hope you enjoy it! I've actually finished the first book, I've written it all down in notebooks, I just have to type it. I apologize deeply in advance for any mistakes. I've added several OCs to this story as well. The OCs in the chapter are: Orphan(main), Sharky(minor), Koji(major), Lettuce/Retasu(minor). The characters that belong to Masashi Kishimoto respectively are in fact mostly OOC, meaning Out Of Character
Summer Fun
It was July third and it was very hot outside. Kisame went into the kitchen to get a snack. He picked up an apple, but then saw Sharky just swimming in his fish bowl in his happy, swimmy, fishy way.
Kisame was just about to stick his hand in the bowl when a voice stopped him.
"Kisame."
Kisame turned around. Itachi was standing there peeling a banana.
"Don't eat Orphan's fish."
Kisame took his hand away from the fish bowl and glared at Sharky. He regretted getting him for Orphan.
Kisame grabbed his apple again.
Meanwhile, Orphan, Hidan, and Deidara were walking around Konoha(Seriously, I don't get it. Nobody seems to recognize that they are Akatsuki)
They walked by one house and heard people singing Happy Birthday.
"Hey guys, do you wanna crash a party?" Hidan asked.
"Happy birthday dear Neji~ Happy birthday to you~!"
Deidara shook his head. He had met Neji, and it sure wasn't pleasant. And it was highly likely that more than just his team were there. So, they kept going.
When they got back to the lair, they put the groceries where they belong and then parted ways. Hidan went to speak to Kakuzu and Deidara went to find Tobi.
Orphan went to her room and changed her outfit. Then, she went to the one room she was never supposed to enter, the one that everyone made clear was off limits...
The training realm.
Orphan closed the door behind her and looked around.
Deidara had found Tobi and was trying to blow him up while fighting Hidan, who was trying to fight Kakuzu.
"So this is where everyone is when I can't find them..." Orphan thought aloud to herself.
In the corner, Konan was reading a book.
Orphan looked at the rack beside her. It was filled with all sorts of weapons. Orphan picked up two kunai and threw them.
It wasn't a precise throw, she didn't know how to throw kunai. They both flew toward an unsuspecting Hidan.
The first one twirled and the handle hit him on the head. The second peirced him right behind the knee. He went down cussing loudly.
Deidara, Kakuzu, and Tobi looked at Orphan, who was picking up more kunai. Konan looked up from her book and stared. Then she went back to reading. Orphan threw more kunai and the others dodged them expertly.
Then, a kunai went straight through Konan's book.
Konan got up and headed for Orphan, but the door opened and Sasori pulled her out.
Sasori gave Orphan a good telling and walked away.
Konan came out of the training realm followed by Hidan, who proceeded to limp and cuss all the way to the bathroom.
Konan turned toward Orphan. Orphan knew she wasn't supposed to play with sharp things and she hurt Hidan, so she braced herself for punishment.
Konan took out her book and threw it. Orphan saw the book coming and closed her eyes, bracing for contact. But the book didn't hit Orphan in the face(Seriously, what adult would throw a book really hard at a six year old's face?), in fact, it sailed over her head and landed in the trash can behind her.
Orphan looked behind her, then at Konan.
Konan reached in her cloak, pulled out an exact copy of the book she'd just thrown away, flipped to the page she was on, and started reading again.
Wow... Orphan thought. No punishment...
But when Konan walked past Orphan, she spanked her five times hard with a wooden spoon Orphan didn't even see her holding. Orphan just stood there, until Itachi came out of the training realm.
Orphan hadn't even seen him in there!
Itachi was followed by Deidara, Kakuzu, and Tobi, who were practiacally dragging themselves.
"That... Is the last time... I train with the Uchiha... Hm" Deidara said, limping to the bathroom.
"Uh-huuuhhh... Tobi's head hurts..." Tobi groaned.
"I'll get you the sixty bucks I owe you..." Kakuzu huffed, obviously not pleased that he lost a bet that involved money.
Orphan walked past the bathroom door and heard Deidara yelling at Hidan.
"I said share the frickin' iodine! Hm"
"NO FUCKING WAY!"
Orphan opened the door, ran in, grabbed the iodine, and ran out.
Of course, Hidan chased her while Deidara stayed behind doing a facepalm.
Hidan got Orphan cornered, but she slipped between his legs, ran to the bathroom, tossed the iodine to Deidara, and closed the door. She smiled when she heard the 'click' of the lock.
Hidan caught up, face beet red, but restrained from cussing directly in front of Orphan. The bathroom door opened and Deidara tossed out Hidan's pants. Then, he closed and locked the door again.
Hidan put his pants on immediately, 'cause nobody likes standing around in their purple boxer-shorts in front of a six year old girl.
Itachi walked by and grabbed Orphan, dragging her to the room she and Tobi shared. He shut the door.
"Orphan, tell me what you did wrong."
"Uh, I played with sharp things and hurt Uncle Hidan?"
Outside the door, Hidan heard and started cussing like a madman.
"Orphan, what shouldn't you have done so Hidan wouldn't get hurt?" Itachi asked sternly.
More cussing.
"Uh, I shouldn't have played with the sharp things that hurt Uncle Hidan?"
More cussing.
"Hidan, away from the door!" Itachi gave Orphan an 'elder brother doesn't like your answer' glare.
"I shouldn't have gone in the dangerous playroom at all..." Orphan said, hanging her head.
"Right. Now, I'm going to punish you." Itachi got up and went to a closet. He opened it, only to find shuriken, kunai, paper bombs, and other weapons.
Beneath that section were clothes, an extra mask, and some more gloves. "Wrong closet." Itachi said, closing that closet and opening the second one.
"No Nii-san! I'm sorry! Grandma already spanked me, I'm sorry! I really am!" Orphan shouted.
Itachi rumaged around Orphan's closet and put the following into a big black bag: Sori(her Rillakuma bear), Mangyeko(her dinosaur plush), her telescope, her clay, her mask, and her play headbands.
"NII-SAN!" Orphan sobbed. "NII-SAN PLEASE! I'M SORRY!"
Itachi ignored her and went to her bed. He was just about to pick up her Naruto plush when Orphan grabbed the doll and hid it behind her back.
"No... Anything but this..." Orphan sniffled.
The next day...
Sasori went downstairs and into the kitchen, but not for breakfast purposes. Itachi was at the stove cooking breakfast since it was his turn. Sasori got what he needed and went back up to his room. When breakfast was ready, Itachi called everyone. Of course, Sasori didn't come.
Before Orphan ate her breakfast of waffles with maple syrup, sausage, sunny-side up eggs, orange juice, and of course LETTUCE, she fed Sharky.
After breakfast, she went outside with Tobi to play.
For lunch, the Akatsuki had a backyard BBQ.
That night, Itachi had a weird dream. Sasuke poking him in the face saying "Nii-san Nii-san Nii-san Nii-san Nii-san..."
Strange, Sasuke sounded a lot like...
Itachi woke up and there was Orphan, poking him and repeatedly saying Nii-san.
"What, Orphan..."
"I can't sleep, I keep having bad dreams... Can I sleep with you?"
"Uh, yea, hold on..." Itachi groaned as he got up and left the room.
He went into Hidan's room and walked over to the sleeping Jashinist. Hidan was, yet again, sleeping with his 'precious' spear.
Itachi pulled back his blanket and slugged him in the arm hard. Hidan woke with a start.
"What the fuck?! Itachi?! What the Hell was that for?!"
"Do NOT get me started!" Itachi went back to his room.
Orphan was sitting on his bed hugging her Naruto plush doll. Itachi sighed and got under the blanket.
"You'll rest well tonight Orphan, okay?"
"... Okay, if you say so, Nii-san." Orphan slid under the blanket.
Itachi made sure to stay farther away from Orphan, but in the morning she was snuggled up against him and her doll was on his face.
"Ughh... Just like Sasuke..." He mumbled. He carefully got out of his bed and placed the Naruto plush by Orphan, pulling the blankets to her chin. He made sure his medicine cabinet was locked tightly, then went downstairs. He grabbed the television remote.
It was 8:30 am, so he didn't expect anyone else to be up since he was the early bird. But when he turned on the television, he heard a crash in the kitchen.
Itachi ran to the kitchen and sure enough, there was a broken fish bowl on the floor.
"Kisame, I know you're in here..." Itachi turned on the light, and shockingly, Kisame WASN'T there.
Itachi looked around for Sharky. He found him and filled a new fish bowl up with water, then placed him in it.
Several hours later, Kakuzu went downstairs to cook breakfast, since it was his turn. Itachi was playing Xbox in the living room. Everybody ate a breakfast of eggs, toast, sausage, and milk. Zetsu looked at his sausage and twitched a little, but he ate it.
Later on, Orphan sat on her bed, pouting. Itachi still hadn't given her toys back yet, so Orphan decided to have a pity party, which consisted of Tobi, Hidan, Sasori, and the Naruto plush doll.
That night, Orphan went into Itachi's room and was about to poke him in the face when she had second thoughts.
The next day, Pein woke up with a numb arm. He looked at it and saw Orphan hugging onto it like a koala hugging a tree in a storm. Pein managed to pry Orphan off his arm, then went downstairs to cook.
It was Saturday, so Itachi had slept in. Zetsu stared at his breakfast. Apple juice, pancakes, scrambled eggs, and sausage.
He couldn't take it anymore.
Zetsu stood up and slammed his fist on the table, getting everyone's attention, even Sharky's.
"I can't take it anymore! I'm sick and tired of sausage! We've had it for over a week! C'mon, doesn't anybody know how to make some good BACON around here?! Anyone?!"
"Well Zetsu, how 'bout you make it yourself?" Sasori said mockingly. '
Yoropiko scowled at him. Sasori didn't cook much, but at least he got to. Nobody let Zetsu cook, not after Yoropiko nearly burned the place dow-
"Hey! It was both of us!"
Hey, I'M the writer! Shut it Yoropiko! Anyways...
It was a good thing Kisame was there. Zetsu left the table and went to the fridge. He grabbed a pack of bacon and stomped up to his room.
He set the pack on his desk and opened it. He pulled out a strip and stuffed it in his mouth. He grabbed another strip and walked to a box in the corner.
Just like beef jerky... Zetsu thought. Only raw... Zetsu set the box on his bed, then opened his closet. "Perfect."
The next day, the Akatsuki had a pool party. Zetsu was in his jet black swim trunks, Kisame was in dark blue swim trunks, Pein was in white swim trunks, Hidan was in purple swim trunks, blah blah blah, does this matter?
At least the girls too... Orphan was in a one piece frilly jet-black bathing suit and Konan was wearing a light purple bikini, but since Pein, Kisame, and Kakuzu kept staring at her, she went back inside and changed to a one piece dark blue bathing suit with purple designs.
Zetsu grabbed the hose and started watering the flowers, occasionally watering himself when he was sure no one was looki-
"Not true!"
Again, who's the writer?
"Hey, Zetsu-san, who're you yelling at?" Tobi asked.
"... No one..."
Sasori just sat on a swing while Deidara kept racing Itachi in the pool. He lost each time. Orphan was at the edge of the pool talking to Tobi, unaware that something was running toward her.
It ran into Orphan, knocking her into the pool. Hidan looked up from grilling hotdogs and burgers.
"Shoo dog! Shoo!" Deidara splashed water on the dog.
Orphan resurfaced and saw the dog. It was white with black paws and the tip of it's tail was black.
"L-Lettuce?!" Orphan stammered.
Just then, Koji ran up holding a leash attached to a collar. He was panting heavily.
"I'm... I'm sorry... I guess he *huff* smelled Orphan..."
"That's okay. Wow, he's gotten BIG!" Orphan said, getting out of the pool. "Maybe if Daddy says yes, you can join our pool party!"
Orphan went to Pein and asked if Koji could join. Pein had a look of annoyance on his face, but he said yes.
Koji pulled off his shirt and put it in his backpack. He started to unbuckle his belt.
Sasori walked over to him. "What are you doing? You're not allowed to skinny dip."
Koji continued to take off his pants.
"Well, I was taking Retasu to the beach, so I already have swim trunks on." Koji put his pants in his backpack and sure enough, he had light green swim trunks on.(Now, I'm wondering how that boy got out of the damn village. What the Hell? The Leaf has some explaining to do.)
"Hey, Orphan, are you going to introduce me?"
"Uh-huh. Everybody, this is the boy I gave Lettuce to, his name is Koji!"
"Hello Koji." Everyone said.
"Koji, that's my uncle, that's Zetsu, that's my grandpa, that's my daddy, that's my-"
"Your mom. I've met her, remember?"
"No, that's my grandma. THAT'S my mommy."
"Oh... Hey, wait, your mom is a-" Itachi clamped his hand over Koji's mouth. "And there is NOTHING wrong with that..." Itachi hissed.
"That's Nii-san, that's my little brother Tobi, that's my pet, and that's Sasori." Orphan said enthusiastically as Itachi let Koji go.
"You have one confusing family..." Koji muttered.
"Hey, Koji, do you want a hotdog or a burger?" Hidan called.
"Whichever tastes the yummiest."
"Wait, you don't know what a hotdog tastes like?"
"Nope."
"Or a burger?"
"Uh, no."
"And you're six?!"
"Yeeaaa..."
"Dude, I'm making you both!" Hidan put and extra hotdog and hamburger on the grill.
"Oh, I almost forgot! I have some stuff for you." Orphan said, the ran inside. She came back out with a box and handed it to Koji.
He opened it and inside was Lettuce's old stuff. "Thanks Orphan. What about the one you're holding?"
"Oh, this?" Orphan asked, holding up the one and only squeaky fish. "No, this is Pet's toy, not Lettu- uh, I mean, Retasu's."
"It's okay to call him Lettuce because you owned him first and that's what you named him. Also, that's what his name means." Koji smiled.
Orphan smiled back and pet Retasu's head.
"You know how to do a cannonball?" Koji asked.
"A what?"
"I'll show you, follow me." Orphan followed Koji to the diving board.
"Okay, what you do is jump, pull your legs up to your chest and shout CANNONBALL!"
Koji jumped into the pool.
"Food is ready!" Hidan called.
Orphan and Koji went last at fixing there plates. Orphan put a hamburger on a bun and put it on her plate. Koji did the same with his food. Orphan then dragged Koji to a different table and put cheese, ketchup, mustard, and lettuce on her burger. Koji put ketchup, mustard, and relesh on his hotdog and did the same to his burger as Orphan did to hers.
Orphan grabbed some chips and opened the cooler. She was about to grab a soda, but looked at Itachi. He was giving her an 'elder brother doesn't like your choice' glare. Orphan closed the cooler and opened a different one. She grabbed a juicebox and looked back at Itachi. He was talking to Hidan and Kisame.
Orphan looked at the soda cooler, then back at Itachi, who was still talking. Orphan touched the cooler and looked at Itachi. He wasn't even looking. Orphan opened it and looked back.
Itachi was giving her a 'close that cooler before Nii-san has to come over and knock some sense into you, don't touch it again or your butt will know the meaning of pain' glare.
Orphan closed the cooler and looked back at Itachi, who had continued talking.
By now, Koji had already gotten the rest of his food and a drink and was now talking to Tobi.
Orphan decided this 'game' was pretty fun and opened the cooler again. She looked up to see Itachi's glare, but a pair of red swim trunks were blocking her view. Orphan closed the cooler and slowly looked up.
"Nii-san doesn't like your attitude. Nii-san disapproves."
And, well, let's just say Orphan's butt now knows the meaning of pain.
Orphan walked over to Koji and Tobi. Koji just stared at her, but Tobi had seen the red on Orphan's face before.
"Oooooh, Nee-chan got in trouble! In front of her friend!"
"Grrrrr! Hmph!" Orphan growled, rolling her eyes.
"My, what an attitude." Itachi said, walking by.
"I'm sorry Nii-san!"
Itachi looked at Orphan.
"I'm sorry Tobi."
Itachi crossed his arms.
"I'm sorry Koji..."
"That's better." Itachi said, then proceeded toward the pool.
"Hey guys, I have cookies!" Hidan called. "Orphan, come hand these out!"
"Hey, Koji, wanna come? I could introduce you properly."
"Sure."
Orphan and Koji got the plate of cookies and walked over to Kakuzu.
"One for you." Orphan said, handing Kakuzu a cookie. "Koji, this is my grandpa Kakuzu, he's ninety-one! Grandpa, this is Koji."
"H-hi Mister K-Kakuzu..."
"Hi."
"ONWARD!" Orphan dragged Koji over to Kisame. "Pet, sit."
"I already am, Orphan..."
"Good boy!" Orphan gave Kisame a cookie. "Koji, this is my pet shark, Kisame. Pet knows a lot of tricks, but I never tell him to play dead... He takes his role too seriously... Pet, ths is Koji. Shake."
Kisame shook Koji's hand.
Koji shivered. "N-nice to meet you, sir..."
"Mhm."
"ONWARD!" Orphan pulled Koji over to Konan. "This is my grandma Konan!" Orphan handed Konan a cookie. "Grandma, you already know Koji."
Koji looked at Konan, then Kakuzu, then back at Konan. "H-how old are y-you?"
"That's rude, little boy... But, since you are wondering, thirty-six."
"Eh?!"
"I'm not married to that old greedy man though."
"S-sorry, nice to see you again Ma'am..."
"ONWARD!" Orphan dragged Koji over to Deidara. "Here Mommy." Orphan tossed a cookie to Deidara. "Mommy, Koji. Koji, Mommy. Mommy doesn't like to be messed with, ONWARD!"
"Woah! Slow down!"
"Koji, this is my Uncle Hidan. Guess his age!"
"H-hi sir... Um... Forty?"
"Nope! He's twenty-four!"
"Eh?! He looks so-"
"Don't you fucking dare say 'old'! My hair is fucking silver." Hidan scowled.
Orphan tugged on Koji's arm, "ONW-"
"Orphan, hurry it up!"
"Okay... Nii-san, Daddy, Little Brother!"
"Little?"
"Z-Zetsu, Sasori! Cookies!" Orphan tossed the cookies to them like frisbees. She tossed two to Zetsu because of Yoropiko.
"Mommy, Tobi! Come here!"
"Yes, what is it pest... Un"
"Yes Nee-chan?"
"Will you play in the water with me?" Orphan asked.
What a strange family... Koji thought
"Ugh. I don't real- Whoa!"
SPLASH!
"Tobi tripped, Sempai! Honest!"
"Why you! Tobi is a bad boy! Tobi must pay! Un"
Strange, but they're family none the less... It makes me feel warm inside... Yes... Still family...
Koji walked to the flower patch by the lair. He felt something cold on his spine. He turned around.
"HAAAALLLLOOOOO!" "Aaah!" "What do you think you're doing? Hmmm?"
"Eh, uh, erm, I, um-"
"It doesn't matter, stay away from our flowers! Buh-byyye~!" Zetsu walked away.
"Uh... Eh?!" Koji turn back to flowers.
"What?! Do you plan to contaminate them?! Stay away!"
"Aah! How did you-"
"Take you and your little bladder elsewhere!"
"I wasn't going to pee!" Koji walked away.
Come to think of it... Koji ran to a tree and pulled down his swim trunks. Think happy thou-
"MINE!"
"Eh?!"
"My tree! No contamination! Find your own tree!"
"Fine!"
Next tree...
Think happ-
"MINE!"
"What the heck?!"
Next five tr-
"You know, we're not obsessed with vegetation!"
SHUT UP! Anyways, continuing the story... Next five trees...
"Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!"
Cherry tree...
"Is this yours?!"
Zetsu just stared.
Good... Think ha-
"MY PRECIOUS!"
"S-scary!"
Second to last tree...
"This one...?"
"Nope, not mine." Zetsu said.
Whew... Think happy-
"Whatcha doin'?"
"Aaah!" Koji pulled his swim trunks up. "G-go away! I need to pee!"
"I'm not sure you wanna-"
"I do!"
"Okay, bye." Orphan skipped away.
At last... Koji pulled his swim trunks back down. "Aaaaahhhh..."
Koji finished, pulled his swim trunks up, and turned around. "What? You said it's not your tree!"
"It's not MY tree." Chatterbox pointed to himself. "It's mine!" Wicked-Tongue growled.
"Aaaaaah!"
"Zetsu-san, don't eat him!"
"Yes Tobi... Hmmmph. Now you've contami- Orphan's... F-flowers I was g-growing... You're going to die, I'm going to eat you."
"Bad Zetsu! Stop, sit, stay!"
"I'm going to eat you too!"
"Aaaaah! Grandma!"
Zetsu lunged at Koji, but Orphan got in the way.
"ZETSU! YOU ARE IN A LOAD OF TROUBLE!"
"Eeeep! Retreat!" Zetsu disappeared into the ground.
"Orphan, why are you crying? Did he hurt you? What happened? Are you okay? Hidan!"
"Yea?"
"Get Zetsu!"
"Yes Ma'am!"
"Deidara, take Orphan inside and calm her down!"
"Why me? Hm"
"You are Mommy!"
"Why not Daddy?! Hm"
"I want Mommy!" Orphan wailed.
"That's why!" Konan shouted.
"Tch, fine. C'mere pest... Hm" Deidara took Orphan inside.
As soon as he did, Orphan cried harder.
"It's okay... You're gonna be okay, you're not hurt anywhere... Right? Hm"
Orphan held up her right arm. "H-h-h-he bit me... HE BIT ME! H-he tried to EAT ME! He... He... HE... H-HE... H-"
"C-calm down, Orphan, you're hyperventilating! Hm"
"He tried to... HE WAS GOING TO EAT ME!" Orphan was breathing fast and heavily.
"O-Orphan."
"Zetsu was going to-"
"ORPHAN!"
"H-huh?"
"Mommy wouldn't let Zetsu eat you, Mommy WON'T let Zetsu eat you. Mommy would make Zetsu go 'BOOM' okay? Let's get your arm fixed. Hm"
Ten minutes later...
"Deidara, where's Orphan?"
"She's inside taking a nap. Hm"
"Why?"
"I don't know. She got on the couch, said she was taking a nap, then closed her eyes. Your guess is as good as mine. Un"
Pein walked over to Koji. "It's time for you to go home little boy."
"Yes Sir. Thank-you for having me over Sir. Please tell Orphan bye for me Sir." Koji bowed. "C'mon Retasu!" Koji went home and everyone went inside.
Sure enough, Orphan was fast asleep on the couch.
July Twenty-ninth...
"We should decide which village Orphan goes to school, even if it's just Kindergarten for now."
"I vote Kirigakure."
"Don't listen to the shark, I vote Sunagakure."
"Konohagakure..."
"No no no Danna, Iwagakure."
"Suna!"
"Mommy says Iwa! Hm"
"Konohagakure..."
"Ame." "Ame." "Amegakure, three against one Deidara."
"Konohagakure..."
"Don't I get to pick?"
"Yea, sure Orphan! Pick Mommy. Hm"
"No, pick Daddy. Mommy's stupid!"
"No, Daddy's stupid! Hm"
"Konohagakure..."
"Well?!"
"... Nii-san's smarter than both of you, I wanna go to Nii-san's village!"
"Eh?!"
Itachi smiled. "Konoha it is."
The next day, Deidara took Orphan shopping. He got a lot of stuff for Kindergarten. A LOT of stuff...
The day after...
"Orphan, you have to get up early tomorrow, so you are going to bed early tonight."
Orphan finished her lunch. "Okay Grandma."
That night...
"Orphan, take a shower!" Orphan did and got into her pajamas. She walked into the livingroom.
"Okay Sweet Pea, go to bed." Orphan hugged everyone, then ran to the room she and Tobi shared.
"What's she going to wear tomorrow?"
Zetsu ran to his room and grabbed something. He ran back down and showed it to everyone.
"This."
"I don't know..." Konan looked doubtful.
"We approve." Deidara and Pein said.
"They ARE Mommy and Daddy... Okay, she can wear it. Orphan, I said time for bed! Tobi, let her sleep, let's get some peace and quiet up there, I should only hear soft snoring!"
Please note: I call the black side of Zetsu, Yoropiko. It is easier than calling him KuroZetsu or Black Zetsu. I am also addicted to writing Pain's name as 'Pein', I apologize if either of these things are annoying