"I can't do this." I said before storming out of her house, the rain was pouring down heavy on me. I heard cars honking at me, I kept running like Usain Bolt to my crap building. I slammed the door.

"Hey! What's going on? Talk to me!" I was drenched, exhausted, emotionally drained sobbing on my bed. I wished to come home climb in bed and cry myself to sleep and forget about it all. Why did I again invite a stranger in my room and why does he have to be so caring and sweet? "I need time." I spoke quietly between sobs. He made some beer appear, and opened his laptop playing this silly film. It was filled with weak comedy but it did help us bond.

"What happened with Sean? Seriously do I need to kill him?" There it was, delayed by 2 hours but still the inevitable question. "No." I laughed. "I went to see Emily."

"I definitely will have a word with her if she hurts you but nothing more, Hanna would kill me."

The ice-breaker happened, it's easy to open someone who had been through a lot and at the same time doesn't know your past. "I didn't expect her to say what she said." I told Caleb about all the action of the night, including what had started this high emotional train. The kiss with Sean. "If we're alone I wish we weren't and when we aren't I miss the privacy. I want to find a way to keep seeing her but in a less confusing way for me."

"We should go out together with Hanna and Emily. The four of us."

"You suggest a double date? Are you now completely out of your mind?!" I said, Caleb shrugged. "I know you want Hanna back but that's a bad idea and also I don't want to go on a date with her!"

"Yeah right Paigey." I cringed at the old nickname Hanna had for me. "Even if I would want it, I can't do it because I'm not all in. I told her that, I'm straight and she should know I don't want to play around or so called experiment. I'm not using her, my confusing feelings will go away eventually." I said decisive.

"Why are you so scared to find out what it means? It might be nothing, but don't you want to know?" Caleb asked. "You can't just sit back now and pretend you never shared this with me or with her. You know what, I owe you a lot. What if I start to thank you by talking to Emily for you? Mend somethings without pressuring you."

I knew I had found a friend who would get me, who always would have my back. I considered his offer and took it. Thinking maybe I should go talk to Hanna instead. "You can feel stupid for thinking like this about another girl but when Cupid is on a shooting spree, there's nothing you can do." He had this teasing smirk on his face, I threw my pillow right in his face. "Goodnight Cay-Cay." I turned the light off feeling instantly better.

She caught my eye and I could see concern run across her face together with irrita4tion. She looked tired. I was eating myself up and talking myself into solve it for myself, I couldn't do it. When I could she was pretending to be busy. "I'm sorry." I started to type. No no no no and I deleted it. I should say sorry with something more. If I only had the balls right now.

"She likes you. It's your own fault, you swept her off her feet from the first moment! And dude! Why did you never tell me about that ring? You gave her a ring? Well than your heart is next. That's all I know."

I groaned. I buried my head in my hands. Caleb is right. It's my own fault, of course Emily would say it was there from the beginning I basically told her to be mine in that damn closet. I fired off a text to Emily. "Feeling like a picnic?"

I played some music off my phone while I was setting up some snacks and a picnic blanket, I was unaware of footsteps behind me until I was pushed down by another body. I relaxed when I heard Emily's laugh, she laid down beside me holding my hand. We laid down in silence, I decided to not talk until she started. I don't know how she feels about me now, more because of my childish stupidity and sending Caleb to her might have been the wrong call. Caleb did say she understands, she fully understood since she fell out of the closet a long time ago. There it was again, the label thing. The coming out thing. The thing that haunts my thoughts. I don't want to come out, I don't need to come out because when I do that's when I would really be faking who I am. But this, her hands, hearing her humming along to the music is pretty good.

So call it a crush or whatever you want, the only thing I will admit is that she feels like heaven. Every time we could score some privacy I was buzzing with excitement, I told myself to try and let go. Everything went perfect until she wanted to go somewhere public. Like to the concert Sean also invited me too. "Hmmm." I thought as my mind tried to come up with something as quick as possible, something that explains why I should go with Sean and not her. "I really like this band." She tried to convince me here to go with her, I was fully aware of that fact. I tried my best to think everything through and not say anything harsh or something that might hurt her. I only try to go with what I like here, no denying I like being in both their companies.

"Tell me, what's your biggest fear?" She asked me, probably sensing my almost panic mode. "Dying young." I replied. You have to admit it's the perfect answer. I knew I should've said something else, I know she expected me to say something else. "

"It's not being risked seeing with me like this?" She asked with a little smile tugging at her lips. I shifted so I was facing her. "No. People can see me with you." I sighed before I continued. "But yeah maybe not really with hand holding. You're out, they know you're gay they will think I'm too if we do that. It's different than holding Hanna's hand, people will talk and assume things."

"And what if what they assume is right Paige? We are already more, I don't know why you're so freaked out. Just stay with me if it makes you feel good."

I sat upright, stopped holding her hand. "Emily, I don't want those talks. Not now not never. If it's like this than you're right. I can't risk be seen like this with you. I don't want to be the central person in new gossip around town and what if Sean hears it? No." I shook my head.

"Wow." I could hear the hurt in her voice. "I already knew it wouldn't be easy to get you to be with me but to hear you say all of this it actually hurts. And it's so stupid. Sean is a nice guy, he doesn't deserve this. I don't neither, I'm done. I will stop calling you or texting you. I'm sorry. I really am, but honestly I just followed your unspoken encouragements." I watched her get up, still taking everything in. I jumped up when I saw her fumbling with the heart shaped ring trying to get it off. "I'll give you a new one. A real one from me."

"Paige no stop it. Just take this one. I don't want a new one, it has to stop right here."

"Even if it stops right now, I'll still see you around and you'll never be erased from my mind and I'm pretty sure these confusing feeling won't go with you." I brushed her hair out of her face. "I'm sorry too. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I do want to thank you for that amazing kiss." I smiled.

"You're welcome anytime Paige." She smiled. I cleaned everything up and walked her back to her car. "Paige?"

"Yeah Emily?"

"I hope to be seeing more of you soon." She said.

"I really want to keep seeing you. If there's a way." I said as I leaned in to place a kiss on her cheek. She gently pressed me against her car door to be closer to me. I closed my eyes as she licked my collarbone and began sucking on my neck.

I sighed and hugged her before she got in her car. As I saw her drive away I realized I said a lot and nothing at all at the same time. I did admit the kiss was amazing, saying that at loud felt great. For the rest of it, no improvements. Calling it off hit me like lightning. Even if I don't understand fully what exactly we would be calling off, it didn't sound good.