"Really do I have to? This is not a good idea." Caleb whined.
"You're coming with me! I need you there and if you are worried about being around Sean because of Hanna, don't. She's all yours if you work it right."
"Really? If I work it right she's all mine? Since when are you the one to give me advice in that department?"
Caleb is right I'm too unsure and scared, but what's wrong in strolling along with the parts life throws at you? I realized it might be a sign, Sean being here for me, interested in me. The same time while I get confused and doubt all things I know because of a girl. Sean was right in front of me, he is. It would be stupid not to go with that. I haven't heard from her yet, maybe that's wise.
"So okay, just I'm the more confused one here. What exactly is the plan here?" Caleb asked me.
"I'm going to go with my mind which will lead to my feelings and then everything will feel solved and like heaven. Then I will run into Emily and start a beautiful friendship." I answered optimistically. Caleb shook his head.
"And how are you planning to prove yourself?"
"Seduction." I simply stated. Ignoring the question to explain any further. Caleb was still shaking his head. "You're crazy."
"I'm out of options Caleb. I know myself, I don't have to find myself anymore I just need to find the answer. I already know the answer so I know how to get it and this is how. "
"You can't do that." Caleb argued. "You can't just show up with the wrong intentions. What if it turns out differently and you end up hurting yourself one more time? If something goes wrong, know you can't run to Emily's arms. Not this time. But when you do, stay in her arms. Don't play."
"I won't. I will never hurt her intentionally and it won't be necessary." I replied calmly.
"You don't know that Paige, the only thing I see is a scared girl." Caleb started to sound as a broken record. I let him say because I don't care, deep down I know I'm just blown away by her beauty and matching golden heart and nothing else. I just don't have time for the waiting, that's why I'm taking matters in my own hands.
I sighed. "Caleb I'd like you to come with me for moral support." I took a deep breath, waiting. When I felt his answer to be no I hurriedly added that's it's okay if he didn't want to. Of course he said yes.
He stayed silent the entire time I got ready to go out, it wasn't a date. We were going with a bunch of other people. Also non-couples so technically, not a date. I tried to tell myself I looked nice, I tried to put power in my clothes and make up. Feeling confident on the outside reflects on the inside right?
"I'm ready." We locked the door and we were good to go. On the short bus ride I tried not to concentrate on the stomach ache and try to keep everything under control. I approached the house feeling pretty nervous, I had never been the type of girl to have many friends, or been in a group. I always felt safer with few people. Safer with what I know. Today I'm all about being done with headaches, heartaches, sickness, regrets and what if's. As soon Caleb and I reached the door, we saw it was unlocked. The strong scent of alcohol hit us like a ton of bricks. A little party at the Ackards. I had the massive urge to turn around and swipe the streets and eat some food. That would be perfect. I started to daydream about pizza when I came to my first challenge, finding Sean. I tried to avoid the drunk people spread out in his living room, ignoring a couple who were busy swallowing each other on the couch. This was not what I had in mind for the group date kind of thing, not at all.
Was a party really his idea or is this a last minute idea to not spend close time with me? I sighed as I ran my fingers through my hair, I got up the stairs and walked through the last door of the hallway, where it seemed to be quite. I needed to compose myself for a second. I escaped in the room, big mistake. No what did I say? Big? I mean huge mistake. I would've run away in a heartbeat but it was too late, I was seen by his eyes. Running now would be suspicious. I looked at every single inch in the room except the inches where Sean was standing.
"Hey, come in and close the door." I did so before hesitantly sitting down on the edge of his bed. There he stood, in his towel combing through his hair without a shirt. I swallowed, I didn't dare to look. There was something inside me daring to look, I let my eyes trail over his chest. I swallowed again, he definitely was in a good shape and so fit. When I saw him smile I kept my eyes pinned on my own hands.
Soon my hands were in his, as he kissed me passionately. His hands were rubbing up and down my arms. He was touching me for the very first time, my body started to ache. I jumped when I felt his hands on my shoulders, slightly pushing me down. My body was aching with every touch I thought about James, how wrong I felt after our big night.
I was scared, I felt tears escaping my eyes while Sean was working my neck the same spot Emily worked on. I didn't feel pressured, I know nothing will happen. Sean is a decent guy, still I feel numb. I don't feel safe. I don't feel me. It's not his smoking body that makes me cry, it's not his body that's making my body ache it's something else, something bigger.
I pushed him back and got up. I quickly brushed my tears away and cleaned my clothes. "You okay? I didn't want" I shook my head cutting him off. He pulled me against him, smoothing his hands up and down my back as he whispered "sorry" in my ear. He's so sweet and I'm a screw up. I sobbed on his shoulder, I shut my eyes tight. The feel of his big hands on me made my stomach turn, I try to keep talking to myself. Saying it's Sean. The good guy. He won't trick me in his bed saying it's a good thing. Or scowl me afterwards.
I was being brave, not stupid. I knew I had to go with pizza this evening in my bed, the only safe place I can have. Alone. I'm not sure how long for we were standing there like that. "I'm sorry." I managed to say.
"I'm sorry too." He whispered, he cupped my head in his hand. "Are you okay?"
"I'll be." I answered. "I'm here for you, if you want to talk." I nodded as I pulled out his grip. In my heart panic was rising. I won't be fine, my love life is one disaster. I don't have any family or save haven. I guess I kind of have Caleb, but what if that's another blind dive of mine? A billion things raced through my mind, I was so spaced out I didn't notice he got dressed in the mean while. Downstairs a poker game involving Caleb was going on, I spend the rest of the night sitting next to him watching, held tight by Sean's arm at the other side.
I had to have reached the form of delusion. This was insane and the beginning of the end. I was going crazy cuddled up against Sean, and I couldn't wrap my head around my emotions. Why was I so unstable and stupid? Why wasn't he able to say one thing to make me feel one with my inner side.