"Thank you for letting me come over so late." I walked inside his house in awe, the size of it made me uncomfortable. I followed him into his kitchen where we could be alone, from here I had an amazing view over his garden. They even had a Jacuzzi in the garden. He remained silent, giving me the time to say what I wanted to say. "We can't see each other anymore like this." That's what I feel I should say. Instead I choose for. "Sean."

"You want to talk to me about us." He said. I nodded. "We can't see each other anymore the way we do now." There's it. I said it, somehow there's still wasn't any room for me to breathe. "No don't say that. Yesterday is forgotten. Doesn't matter really, it doesn't." He steps closer to me, oh god he really has a killer smile. "You don't understand. We can't." I said, surprisingly his smile didn't hold me back.

"I don't understand, why can't we?"

"Because moving here kind of feels I have landed on another planet. Everything is new, and you're confusing me." Confusion and a slight shock was written on his face. "I'm sorry you expected more from me than I can give."

"Paige. Don't you dare again to think you're not good enough."

I shook my head. "You don't need to understand since I don't understand either, but there's someone else I can't let go off. I tried but-"

"Excuse me?" He laughed.

I don't know what to do. Why was he laughing? "I wasn't thinking about how it must feel for you, while I was sorting my feelings out. Now I do, and it's not fair. You're amazing Sean, just not for me." I eyed the kitchen table why I was talking to him, we were never exclusive maybe even not a real thing but definitely something, something like I'm with someone else.

"I really wanted to try, I'm glad I got to know you better but I have gotten to know someone else better too."

"There you go again. Just say his name. Just say it's Caleb and we're done. Just damn say it!" He exploded in anger, banging his fist on the table. I laid my hand instinctively over my heart as I gasped.

"Why does every girl I like think he is better than me?"

"Okay first of all it's not Caleb. It's not him! In fact it's not a guy at all." I answered him in anger. "I hope I can trust you with this." I concluded as I stood up from the chair to leave.

"Hanna?" Her name was said gently but on a tone that made me feel cold. Because of the coldness I didn't dare to roll my eyes or make a silly comment. I remember how Caleb asked the same thing, I told him there and then they belong together. Right now in all seriousness I could see the hurt in Sean's eyes, he tried to open up to me to let me in. The first girl since Hanna, and now I take everything from him again every little bit of hope he might have built up.

"No, it's not her. Right now it doesn't matter who it is, I'm still not sure how to deal with these new emotions, I thought I knew but I only end up hurting you in the process. I'm sorry Sean." With one last look I left his house, as soon the door clicked behind me I let myself feel everything through tears. Whirlwind of emotions all being let out now. Yet again a little voice popped up in my head saying, "I'm not gay." Just because I'm not a lesbian doesn't mean I can't have a deep, meaningful relationship with a woman, right? Yeah, that seemed to click in my mind. If I spread that sentence there's no reason for me not to act on my feelings when around Emily.

I removed my iPhone from my pocket to glance at the time. I briefly checked to see if I have any messages but there were none. Emily might be wanting to send one, seeing why I don't have texted yet. I sighed as I forced my feet to continue walking. When I reached the bus stop I walked passed it. I couldn't get on the first bus back home because I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do first.

I could go to bed since there's school tomorrow. Or I could go to a friend. I have to erase Hanna and Caleb from the list tonight, they deserve their alone time. Emily is a great friend, but just friends? I don't know. Spencer is next on the list, we're both on the Field Hockey team and she's friendly to me but that's it. Aria, I don't really know her.

I'm not a thousand miles away from my previous home but I'm from the life I used to live. I have always been afraid of people looking down on me it's just the way I am, but now I might give them a real reason to do so.

I lay in bed staring at the ugly ceiling. I sighed as my thoughts returned to Sean and Emily. Emily and Sean. James and Sean. Emily and James. Anita. I didn't think much of it at the time, when I allow myself to do it now I wonder what could have been when the 12 year old me gave an goodbye kiss on her lips and not on her cheek. Would things been different from the start with Emily?

I didn't surprise Hanna with my confession, Caleb seemed cool with it. Emily is the one left feeling frustrated. I place the heart shaped ring in the palm of my hand, the ring I got months later but still feels to me as the memory of the night we mistakenly drunkenly made love for the first time. How I didn't care, how he didn't care. How free and young we felt, how happy we were to have sneaked out of the house. How stubborn I was to pick up my phone that already rang multiply times. The biggest half of me was in desperation to forget about it all completely.

I thought of how I confessed I didn't think how Sean would feel, I couldn't keep it all inside. People can't see me right if I don't let them. Maybe it was God's plan all along, that she would be here to comfort me, to give it to me not to disturb me or bring confusion.

So many question I have been trying to mentally reject, why did it all come to me after all these years? I don't know, it just did. It made me question everything I should believe in and thought I knew about myself. All I know is that I'm scared of this world, I'm scared in this world. I do know the general opinion on this, one day I will be able to say something like go ahead think what you like, all I know is that it was the best mistake I've ever made.

I'm home. Everything ok. – P