I pulled myself together and used all my strength to leave my bed. My bed, where not so long ago a beautiful female was pressed against my body. Where she was happy to be with me. Not having realized how stringing Sean along must make him feel makes me think about the same fact, I have no clue what Emily feels. Sometimes she comes across very confident and persistent, the other times a bit more distant and easily annoyed with me. Well I don't want to be in love with a girl, I have said I Love You to a boy once and I meant it. At least I think I did. What if its too late and this weird feeling is real love? It happened to me, she can't blame me for taking my time, right? I remember her lips on mine, I still feel them linger making me feel warm and happy. I just have to bring a finger to my lips to feel the place where it still tingles.
Sure I have had crushes before, but nothing could've prepared me for this. In the mornings I wish I could detach myself from her or hate her so everything could finally stop. Asking Sean out could've been too much for her but she stayed close.
Giggles from outside the door made me jump straight out of bed. Caleb has been my safe zone since I got here, it's crazy how quick we bonded and trusted each other with basically nothing we have and everything we have at the same time. Hanna being a ghost from the past being his person of interest should only complicate things more, up this moment that's nothing to complain about. I've learnt they would only interfere when it involved pain and tears. They are like our anchors, close to us still a little bit out of reach but will never ever let us drown.
Why did I never make it a secret towards them but rather avoid feelings with the only person that matters in my bubble? I finished getting ready for school, I ran out when Hanna's and Caleb's voice faded away. I tried quitting failed at that now it's time for the next step.
Everyone owns clothes that make you feel powerful, make you feel sexy and confident. I for once decided to wear one of my black dresses, this is a very rare moment definitely for just a school day but I feel like it fits today. Opinions are changing daily and will be very soon again so why not showing myself in a different light?
On the way to school I passed by a gay bar, even though I knew for sure I wasn't gay or bisexual I was curious and stopped in front of it. It hit me that it never bothered me that people around me could be gay, I don't care love is love. But as soon it comes to me personally, I couldn't finish those thoughts without blushing as my mind started to drift to certain toned female body parts.
Fifteen minutes before school starts, usually also the time when Emily arrives is the time I am patiently waiting by her locker with a chocolate muffin she hopefully likes. Today is a brand new day, I try to leave all of the less good things behind and focus on what really matters : keeping Emily close.
"Paige." Hanna's cheery voice announced the arrival of the Squad. I acknowledge them all with a quick wave. "Good morning Em." I handed her the muffin, she was fighting against smiling. My knees went weak, my heart got heavy. I glance in Hanna's direction for support. Her face tells me only good things, it makes me want to follow my thoughts. Thoughts of how long it's been we kissed, that I haven't got the chance yet to touch her face, things I want but can't do. I need to do something and quit standing here like a fool, staring in her eyes.
"Everything alright? You look nervous." Emily's eyes narrowed as she spoke.
"Yeah yeah I'm fine. I broke up with Sean." I read the confusion on Aria's and Spencer's face, my smile was still on my face after I told them about Sean. I kept looking in her eyes, the silence after my words was an important one and I'm sure she's reading between the lines. Well I think, I'm not very sure. What if she doesn't want to read between the lines anymore?
"I think I need to try out the next something to see if it's true or not. " I said.
"Are you saying?" "Yes." I quickly answered her. "Yes, I have to. I'm scared to make things bad between us or worse."
Before she could reply anything I already dragged her into the nearest classroom and leaned in to kiss her on her soft lips. It was an overwhelming feeling, I didn't slow down. This was my kiss, this would be our kiss, the all or nothing kiss. My whole stomach was tingling as I grabbed her by the waist to kiss her even harder. She definitely knows how to kiss somebody, unwillingly I slowly detached myself from her.
"That's what I needed to try out." I said, receiving a shy nod from her.
"I like you Emily. More than I like a friend who's a girl. I really like you." I put emphasize on the word really.
"So is this finally a yes?"
I couldn't bring myself to answer with words so I used my lips instead. I walked her to class and made my way afterwards to the exit. I made sure she or her friends didn't see me leave. I used my phone to get me to Hollis College with the shortest route.
"Let's be honest you were checking me out, weren't you?"
"Euh no ehm I just –"
"Hey, it's cool I'm just messing with you. Though I wouldn't mind if you were."
This tall curly blonde is the exact reason why I decided against this. But when Hanna kept texting me about this support group and the fact it would help me to keep Emily I just had to come check this out. I haven't walked in the room yet where this group gets together or I get ambushed already by someone playful. Not what I need.
"You're new right? Don't worry you can take your time, but I have to say it's a great thing you showed up. It's a shame for us girls to miss out on such a beautiful girl. I guess I have to thank you for letting me know you're on my team."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing, and she winked. Why did she wink? Was she flirting with me? Why does she assume I wanted to be flirted with? My teeth were clenched together, I was out of my comfort zone and now someone was trying to push my buttons. I just hoped I could sneak in and stay silent in the back of the room and be first one back out, guess that's another thing I failed at.
"I'm Samara by the way."
"Paige." What could I say, I was still raised polite. "I'm not really in my place here, sorry I think I should go." As I turned my back on her, I felt a hand on my arm. "Can I walk you out?"
"You're not a stalker are you?" She laughed at loud at that. I didn't wait for her to say anything as I made my way out of the building. If I was quick I could be back at school in time to wait for Emily to walk her to lunch. "You wish I was stalking you."
Damn again that wink. "Are you flirting with me?" I asked bluntly.
"That depends, we can flirt if you want."
In an instant I was fine with the harmless flirting, it took me a while to think of a reply to that but it didn't matter the silence was comfortable. Her arm slid in mine, I didn't flinch once.
"I recently started to like for the first time ever a girl more than I normally do, I thought coming here could help me find courage to stay close to her. " I started to open up to her as it was nothing hard to talk about. She was sweet and caring, not pushy or expecting much. I learnt quickly that flirting is how she speaks, her charm definitely works I couldn't look away her eyes were beautiful. I felt like she could see straight through me. Magic. All this time I couldn't breathe. Then the left side of her mouth formed a small smirk. My heart melted at the peaceful relaxing vibe she was giving me. I had no time to think long before she was again easing me into this. We swapped numbers and my phone buzzed straight away to alert a new text. My heart skipped a beat, it was from Emily.
I stopped breathing for a split second as I read the sentence many times.
"I miss your lips for lunch. –Em"