Okay self-pity is over now. I have no right to cry about something I have known and feared for a long time. I started to go through all the drawers that seemed appropriate going through, with a goal of course not randomly. I have two hours to do as much as I can. I wanted to let the house glow, I decided to lit the big candles on the porch. The other candles I carefully place in the living room in a heart shaped figure. I would like to think about that as our thing. I don't try to be romantic here, I have to apologize. I might need something more. I quickly reach out to the Rosewood flower shop delivery man. What's more perfect than roses?
As I waited for them to be delivered I took out my phone to send out some texts. First one to Emily asking if it's possible to come straight to her house after school and one to Samara, I had to apologize for running off like that but also thank her she in fact did her job and helped me. But I'm not interested. Wait yes I'm interested in you because you're a girl but not in you. I'm not actually saying that last bit to anyone, it's just important to have my head on the same page with my heart.
After I heard the first car approach I felt more confident than ever, after the delivery car drove off I spread out some roses on the stairs. I spread out some more on the porch, deciding to pick them up. It felt too much and too forced. Breath Paige. Breathing was done as soon I saw another car arrive. Emily's car.
"Paige? What are you doing?" I fumbled with the roses in my arms. Well the roses were making me bleed, wouldn't be worse than it was by Emily right?
"Hey." I stumbled out awkwardly. She was fidgeting with her car keys, she looked extremely nervous. She looked in my eyes, I could tell she was terrified off saying what's on her mind now.
I laid the roses carefully down and made my towards her, taking her right hand in mine. Laying my left hand on her cheek. "You remember that one girl that called last night?" She nodded.
"Well Samara came over here and then she kissed me. "
"I'm not sure I want to hear this." She said backing away from me.
"No Em. Stop." I grabbed her wrist, making sure she wouldn't run. "Don't look away." It took her a minute for letting me see her most vulnerable side in her eyes. "I was scared too. Old Paige. It's over now, maybe not completely but the biggest part is. Yes, I like girls. I'm gay. And I'm so lucky to have crossed paths with you. You're unlucky to have crossed paths with me, I have made you insecure.
You started to like this weird mess that's me and yeah it started all sweet and promising. But it's all me that drove you crazy in not the best ways. I'm in fault not you. And I'm so sorry." I couldn't contain my tears anymore, it's the hardest I cried in months.
"I have done this before but not like this, it shouldn't be a difference I know. If I make a big deal out of it, of course the people around me will too. I'm still the same person I'm only going to be stronger if you still want to be next to me. I'm aware that I took all the right wrongs so I ended up again and again in my comfort zone. I'm tired to be a drifted in every aspect of my life. Emily Fields I am so ready to fall in love with you." I wasn't fighting against my tears, I let them roll and let them come. I didn't care. I was ready to embrace the change.
"Em." I used my thumbs to wipe away her tears. "God you're so beautiful. I'm so sorry."
"Paige."
"Yeah?" I took a moment to look deep in her eyes. I took her hand and lead her up to the house, stopping for taking back the roses. I heard her gasp when I opened the door for her. "You have lighted up my world, now I'm lighting up your house. If you want to give me another chance, I will light up your world too or make you melt what you desire. Anything for you Em. I mean it."
She turned around, her mouth was a gape but nothing came out. I looked down and cleared my throat. I gave her the most understanding smile that I could, no effect. I decided to try again.
"I'm really lucky to have you in my life Emily. And I'm sure you will always be a part of me. Remember you asked me about what I'm most scared, afraid, terrified? Well loosing you. I never meant to hurt you Emily, you have to believe that. That's why I have been so careful, but it was wrong. You are way too good for me and I can't believe I managed to get the attention of such an perfect girl. " I was growing more and more nervous with every word I stumbled out.
I felt like I was about to faint any second. I'm sure she could see the sweat on my forehead. I saw her eyes linger on everything in the room. "These are for your mother." I pointed to bouquet of flowers on the table. "I want her trust and approval. Which would mean everything to me since I like her daughter."
I had no idea what to expect. This could go both ways, I had screwed up very bad. I could hear my heart beating crazy fast. I tried to swallow while I reached my hand down my pocket and pulled the little box out of it. I cleared my throat again and looked back up at her. She was looking so deeply into my eyes that I felt my knees go weak.
I opened the box to reveal a new ring. "I promised I would get you a new one." I paused.
"Please do you want to go on a date?"