Chapter 8: To forget: keep it to yourself!
Dear John,
I'm sorry to hear about your mate. I'm sure you did everything in your power to help him. You are a good soldier and an even better doctor. But I have one question: what is a mate? Is it more a friend or is it something like a colleague? I don't really understand the difference. Are we friends or mates?
Today was my first day at university but first I will tell you what happened last week. I had daily seasons with 'Dr. Michelson' my therapist. I don't know if she and the sessions with her are helping me. It had a bit of a bad ending the first time.
She is blind but somehow she can see or feel; I am still trying to figure it out. But that's not the point, I guess I reacted normally or acceptably to her disability but not to her supporting animal, a dog.
I never told you that but in the beginning of my time with Moriarty he let me hurt animals, preferably dogs. Which I always had to kill in the end… It feels kind of good to say or better write it. It was actually the first thing he let me do. Choose between my life and the life of a street dog. I dreamed about it after the panic attack I had when Dr. Michaelson's dog came out.
It was my fault the dog came out in the first place. I was allowed to deduce her and after noticing that she had a dog I asked for his name. Chestnut by the way. I couldn't stand to be close to the dog and all I could think about was how I had hurt all the other animals and what would happen if the dog came closer. I might have hurt him too.
Anyway, the first session ended quite badly. The other appointments also. Mostly we wait in silence until one of us says or asks something. Most times it is her. But it is her job to do this. I have to continue the meetings and I will give it a shot. Like I promised you.
My teacher, Miss Wilder, has a very interesting background. I liked her from the first moment. She didn't run. She offered me an agreement the first time we talked: an answer for an answer. She would tell me something from her past and I would say something on the topics I wanted to learn with her. It worked and in this way she could decide in which subjects lessons were required. My lessons with her are finished now. We found out I have a huge knowledge and am able to learn lots of things in a short time, another reason why I can go to university this early.
Mycroft was glad I chose to go to a university in London, close to him. He only showed me the ones here. I don't think I would have been able to find one myself. I like the feeling I had in my chest when Mycroft told me that he would like to have me close by. I guess that maybe this is the feeling of home you told me about.
Before I could start at university today I had to take a short test. It was… easy, really easy. They tested me in many science areas and I have been doing nothing else than read science books in the evenings. After the test, one of Mycroft's assistants managed everything with the papers and I got my courses. The first one started around noon. So I wasn't late on my first day. It is apparently a bad thing to do, I was told. Mycroft is a bit busy because he has missed doing a lot of work during our time away and the days at home with me. I hope his bosses aren't too disappointed with him. I don't want Mycroft's boss to get cross with him.
One of the students who studies the same as I do was selected to show me around the campus. He is a bit of a snob. That is what I would call it. He comes from a very rich family. Born with a platinum spoon, is what you say, I think. His name is Sebastian and I don't think he is very intelligent. But maybe I'm wrong. I hope not all students focus on music and movie stars. Or fashion. Why is it important to wear the latest fashion? I just don't get it. There are so many more things that you can focus on.
But no one asked why I started in the middle of the semester or about my past. No one was really interested where I came from. I like the feeling that I can be like all the other people that study chemistry. My professor held a really easy seminar but it was great to be able to asks questions to an expert. Not that Miss Wilder wasn't willing to answer my many questions but she had limits in her knowledge. She was chosen to fill up the leaks in my basic school knowledge and that's what she did.
Do you think it is a bit early for me to start a new life as a student in London? I really miss you and I hope you can visit soon. I have asked Mycroft and he said that you can stay at 'our' home anytime. 'Our' home. That sounds good.
In the next letter I will tell you more about my courses but first I have to take a few. And maybe I will be able to tell you about a few friends I made until then. I want to have many friends. Like you.
Sherlock
Dear Sherlock,
WOW. You have already started university. I'm proud you have come this far in such a short time. You don't have to worry about finding friends; there will be many people who will be around you and it should be easy to find a few true friends. You are already good at reading people. Now you can use your gift to help you find the people you can trust.
MATE. How can I explain it correctly? Okay let's start with 'colleague'. A colleague is someone you work with. On the same job, on a certain project like for example rebuilding an old playground in your community, something like that.
A 'friend' can also be someone you work with but he is also someone you do things with outside of work. Like going to a club, doing sports together or just sitting in a park and having fun or talking. A friend is someone you trust, someone you can tell about the things that worry you. You share experiences and memories.
My 'mates' here or maybe the word 'army buddy' are something in between. We work together, we would have never met if we hadn't joint the army. But we trust each other. Better we have to trust each other. I have to trust that the man (or woman) next to me will protect me. Is willing to give his life for mine and the mission and I would do the same. There is no question here who you can trust, who will help you.
So a mate is really something between a colleague and a friend. You ask me questions that let me rethink the meaning of many words. That's good. It makes me more aware of their significance and how we use them.
My next letter (the one after this) could take a few days longer. I'm going on a mission and there is a strict communication stop. But as soon as I come back I will read your letter. Or letters. You don't have to wait for an answer from me. If you want to write, just do it. I will try to answer you as soon as possible. Promise.
I have to get ready for the mission. Wish me luck.
John
Dear John,
Mycroft is in Russia right now. A work thing. He didn't want to go but after I overheard a phone call with his boss (don't be mad; it was an accident.) I told him to go. It's not like I don't miss him and the house is a bit empty but he won't stay there forever. It is a bit of a challenge for both of us. I can't depend on him for the rest of my life and he can't lock me up or always keep me within his reach.
This was actually something I discussed with Dr. Michelson. After I had heard the call, I asked her the next day. She said if I didn't feel ready to be alone in the house for a week I should tell Mycroft. On the other hand, if I thought I could manage, I should tell him to go. He would have stayed but I don't think that would have been right. I leave daily for my courses so why shouldn't he leave for his work?
Is it normal for a brother or in this case a guardian to worry endlessly about me? Is this something parents should do? You aren't a parent or have children so I guess you are the wrong person to ask.
Hope your mission isn't too dangerous and you come back in one piece.
Sherlock
Dear John,
Today is my birthday. I never have celebrated the day I was born. Why should someone do that? For most of my life I haven't even known what day I was born and the few birthdays I had before I was taken I can't remember. Mycroft asked me what I wanted to do. He had to explain to me that you celebrate your birthday and that you invite friends and family to celebrate with you.
And there is the problem: my only family is Mycroft and my friend is oversees on a mission where he can't even answer my letters.
Hope you come back soon. Not only to your base but to London.
Sherlock
Dear Sherlock,
I'm back and okay. A few scratches but nothing dangerous. The little injuries are not from fighting. I fell off a rock, really stupid, I know. A doctor, who is responsible for the whole unit, shouldn't get injured himself. But as I said, nothing bad happened.
I got your letters. Happy birthday. I would have visited you if I had been able. But maybe we can celebrate together next year.
You are right about guardians and worrying. It is mainly something you get from your parents but your brother is even more worried because he is scared that you could disappear again. It is now kind of fear for him. A fear that lives deep in his heart. To lose you again. Don't blame him. It will get a bit better and it is also something you should enjoy. Someone loves you more than anything else.
Sadly I can't tell you anything about the mission. It's classified. But it wasn't anything really interesting.
You didn't tell me more about your courses. Have you already surpassed your professors or is it a bit challenging for you? Are you friends with this guy Sebastian or didn't you two connect?
Your clumsy friend
John
Dear John,
The courses are okay. Most of my knowledge I get out of the library. It isn't their fault. Most of the students don't even understand the topics that are presented.
Sebastian is still not my friend. Sometimes he sits with me in the library. But only to get answers for his problems. He and his friends could be better but they have nothing else to do than go hunting for girls. They really call it hunting for girls. It's all about having one and then screwing around with her. Until the next one is on their hit list.
He invited me to a party next week. Said to thank me for all the help. Dr. Michelson (who I only visit twice a week now) thinks I should try it. Maybe I will make a friend there.
I must say finding friends is a bit more difficult than I thought but I'm working on it.
I'm glad you came back and you are not clumsy.
Tell me when you will be able to visit.
I miss you.
Sherlock
Dear Sherlock,
So you first student party. I still remember the ones I was at. Or better I have a few memories that should be never talked about again. But I think I can tell you my secrets.
I think I was in my second year or third not sure. Anyway there was this girl, I had a crush on her and she was on every party the football club held. I played rugby so I was not in her reach or better she wasn't in mine but my flat mate's cousin was the one who organized the party, he got me in.
To impress the girl I let myself get caught into a bet with other people and so I had to talk to her because I lost. I embarrassed myself so much that I couldn't look at her ever again. We both had too much to drink and the night ended with me over the toilet. I didn't drink for a month and then only with my friends in a small group. The next party I went to was more than a year later.
Hope your first party was a bit better and you can tell me all the things you did. Maybe you could find a friend or met a girl you liked.
I still can't tell you when I will be able to visit. But we have a few quiet days at the base, nothing new. A thing that is always good.
Hope to see you soon.
John
Dear Sherlock,
I have news, and it isn't good. My leave was cancelled, I'm sorry. I had hoped to come but there are some complications and my commanding officer didn't really explain it. I'm really sorry. I will visit you as soon as possible.
I'm not the only one that has to stay here. One of my mates will miss the birth of his daughter. He was so happy when he got the dates for his flight back home. But he is with the unlucky ones stranded in this dessert.
It should be exam time so I guess you are busy. How are you doing? I'm sure you will be one of the best.
White me when you are done with your exam. You can tell me all about it.
John
Dear Sherlock,
Are you angry with me? That I can't come and visit you? I'm really sorry. I will come home soon. Actually I have the dates. Only three more weeks then we will meet again.
We will talk when I'm back. Miss you.
John