DISCLAIMER: See previous chapter.
Sirius Black loves Remus Lupin. He really, honestly, truly does. He knows he says it to everyone, but Remus is different. With Remus, he means it. With Remus, it is real. In fact, it is so real with Remus that he can feel it in his toes and elbows; he can feel it in his veins, butterflies fluttering indulgently in his blood whenever Remus so much as smiles at him.
He means it with Remus, and so he doesn't mind that Remus hasn't said it back because he knows that Remus feels the same way. Well... actually, he does mind a bit but he knows that it is hard for Remus to say, "I love you," or some other variant of that phrase. So he accepts Remus's actions for what they are and understands what they really mean. Remus may be a wordy person but when it comes to love and other strong emotions, he finds it easier to express himself through actions and gestures instead. And Sirius accepts this.
When Sirius had first told Remus that he loved him, the werewolf had laughed it off. The fourth time he said it, Remus had replied with, "I know," and Sirius thought that maybe Remus really did know. By the ninth time, Remus finally replied with, "Me too." And that... that was all it took for Sirius to know that Remus loves him too. It was the way that Remus said it that had Sirius convinced. There was a sort of truthful determination behind it, a conviction that Sirius will never forget. And when Remus finally does say I love you, Sirius will never forget that moment either. Because it's Remus, and he never forgets Remus.
If someone asked Sirius who he believed the 'reacher' and the 'settler' to be in their relationship, Sirius would reply, without a trace of doubt, that he is definitely the 'reacher'. Remus would disagree and would probably come up with a long list of reasons as to why Sirius was wrong, but Sirius knows that he is right and that Remus has settled for him.
He thinks himself rather lucky that Remus settled for him, truth be told. He couldn't have found anyone more magnificent or perfectly damaged than his best friend. Remus is... Well, Remus can't really be described in words. He is so many things. He is intelligent, and hilarious, and beautiful, and vulnerable, and kind, and forgiving, and gentle, and just plain magnificent.
Sirius knows what this makes him sound like. He sounds like a soppy, love-sick girl. But he doesn't care. He is in love and happy, and so he doesn't care if he sounds sappy or whipped because it's Remus. Remus is worth being sappy over. He has told Remus much of this before – not all of it, mind you; he doesn't want to be the vulnerable, overly-emotional one – and Remus always blushes and turns away, muttering something along the lines of, "Shut up."
Remus doesn't believe him, but Sirius is stubborn and determined, and he will keep telling Remus how he feels until Remus believes him.
To Sirius, Remus is beautiful. He has the softest hair; Sirius loves ruffling it when they're together in public, or running his fingers through it when they're alone and lying in bed together. He likes the length of it; short but shaggy, falling into his eyes. Remus's eyes are another thing Sirius loves. They are this weird shade of hazel-amber. It's a good weird. The expressive amber flecks are one of the few nice side-effects of his Lycanthropy.
Sirius is especially fond of Remus's shoulders; broad and sturdy, the perfect resting place for his legs. And Remus's scars honestly don't bother him. In fact, he rather likes them. They are a reminder of the wolf inside, but they are also a tribute to how strong Remus is, and Sirius loves them as much as he loves Remus. Perhaps most of all, Sirius loves Remus's smile. Remus has many different smiles, but they are all breath-taking. Sirius would do just about anything to see Remus's slightly crooked smile.
Remus's bookish, non-threatening looks are so against the true Marauder within that no one ever suspects Remus is an integral part of their pranks. Very few get to see the mischievous side of Remus and Sirius loves that he is allowed to. Sirius loves the prankster in Remus. The way Remus's eyes light up often takes Sirius's breath away and the way Remus laughs when a prank goes right is beautiful.
It annoys Sirius that Remus can't see how perfect he is. Well... Okay, he isn't perfect, Sirius knows this. But to him, the flaws and imperfections just add to the beauty that is Remus Lupin. And Sirius will keep telling Remus how perfect he is until Remus sees it too.
Sirius knows that he is lucky to have Remus; to have someone so patient and understanding; to have someone willing to put up with him. Sirius knows that he is reckless and impulsive, and he knows that he can be mean but he is so glad that Remus has stuck with him. Because Sirius knows that he is broken. He knows that he is damaged goods. He may look like a heavenly beauty on the outside, but he is a chaotic mess on the inside. His family have messed him up beyond repair, but Remus is still there, with him, trying to help him.
He doesn't want Remus to see how truly broken he is, but Remus seems to know anyway. Sirius is good with words. He always has been. He knows how to charm and seduce and make people laugh, and he knows how to hurt people with only a few words. But when it comes to talking about his issues, he finds it difficult. It is a problem that both he and Remus share, but Remus has a different way of dealing with it.
While Sirius lashes out and hurts himself, Remus buries his frustrations and lets everything go once a month. Neither way is really the best way to deal with things but it works for them for now until they find better, healthier coping mechanisms. And, besides, they have each other to calm one another down: Padfoot stops the wolf from hurting himself too bad on Full Moon nights, and Remus stops Sirius from going too far in a fight or when Sirius is causing himself injury.
Sirius isn't a cutter. He realises that it sounds like he is, but he really isn't. No, Sirius opts for a less obvious form of self-harm. He opts for hitting himself or punching walls and/or solid surfaces. It is a better way, Sirius thinks, for dealing with his frustration. Cutting is too... flashy. Sirius likes attention, but not that kind of attention. He does not hurt himself as a way of asking for help; he does it to help himself and to stop others close to him from getting hurt. It doesn't really leave any obvious injuries – mainly just bruises and scratches. No one asks questions. No one knows.
Well... that isn't strictly true, Sirius amends. Remus knows. He knows what they are and where they come from. When Remus catches him, he manages to stop him. Sirius is grateful for Remus because the werewolf stops him from going too far, from causing long-lasting damage. He knows that his actions disappoint Remus but he can't help himself. He just gets so angry and he can't think straight; he can't think of another way to release his stress and negative emotions.
The way Sirius sees it is: it's better to hurt yourself than to hurt someone who doesn't deserve it. It has been his motto ever since fifth year and the Incident with Snape. He nearly destroyed his friendship with Remus then, and he never wants to do anything like that again.
Remus deserves better, Sirius knows. James thinks it too, even if he doesn't voice this opinion. He thinks Sirius doesn't know how he feels but Sirius is his brother. He knows how Potter thinks, how he feels. James feels guilty about feeling that way, but Sirius understands it. He and James have always been protective over Remus. James thinks Remus could do better and Sirius agrees.
Sirius wants to be enough for Remus. He doesn't want to fuck this up, but he is so worried he will. Both he and James think he will. Sirius doesn't blame James, he really doesn't. But he isn't going to lie. Having his brother doubt him hurts.
He wants to – no, he needs to prove to James, to himself, to everyone, that he won't fuck it up. It is scary and new and perhaps it is the most important thing Sirius has ever done, but he is determined to get it right; to be good; to keep Remus because he cannot lose Remus.
He is going to be better. He is going to be worthy of Remus, one day. He's already starting; he hasn't had an anger outburst in well over two months now, and the pride in Remus's eyes is enough to spur him on to keep doing so well.
In his relationship with Remus, he knows that he is the reacher. If Sirius was asked, he wouldn't even hesitate. He knows Remus settled for him, even if Remus doesn't realise it himself. Sirius is reaching for the moon and one day, he will make it. And yes, he does realise how fucking cliché and stupid and cheesy it sounds but he doesn't care. (Secretly, he thinks it's quite a clever analogy – since Remus is a werewolf, and Sirius has always admired the glowing rock in the sky.)
Sirius is trying. He is trying to be worthy of Remus's attention and love. He is trying to be more thoughtful and aware of others. He is trying to be less self-centred. He is trying to be nice to people. He's trying, and he hopes that is enough for Remus and James.
A/N: Please don't hit walls or cause any other type of self-harm to yourself. It isn't worth it and, in the end, nothing changes. If you're feeling shitty, you should talk to someone. It's just easier. Trust me. Or, you could bury yourself in something you like, to distract you from the loneliness. Music works for some people. Art for others. It really does depend on you. But I can promise you this: it passes, eventually.
I didn't want to encourage such harmful coping techniques, so I thought I would mention it here. Again: Don't Do The Self-Harming Thing! If you want help, get help. People can't help you if they don't know how you're feeling.
If you need to talk, I'm always here.
Written: July, 2016
Rewritten: October, 2018