DISCLAIMER: See previous chapter.
Remus Lupin does love Sirius Black. He knows he hasn't exactly said it, but it's true. He loves Sirius so much that sometimes it's hard to breathe. His heart aches whenever Sirius is not around and his fingers tingle pleasantly whenever Sirius holds his hand (in private, because Remus is not a fan of Public Displays of Affection). He loves Sirius with every bone in his body, but he just can't say it.
Honestly, he doesn't know why he has such a problem with the word 'love'. He thinks that maybe it is because it is just that: a word. Four meagre letters that don't really mean anything. The word is just too small, too weak, too inadequate, to encompass all that he feels for Sirius. Four little letters is just not enough because he more-than-loves Sirius, and he doesn't know how to express that because society has yet come up with a word stronger than love.
People throw the word around too much nowadays, he thinks. So, he should be able to say it. But he can't because it doesn't mean anything anymore. It holds no meaning for him, and he doesn't want to taint Sirius with empty words. But just because he hasn't said it before, it doesn't mean that he doesn't feel it; that it's not true. He loves Sirius more than words, and he knows Sirius knows it, but he still feels guilty for not having said it yet.
For some reason, when Sirius says "I love you," to him, Remus believes it. Sirius says the word a lot. Too much, in Remus's opinion. But he honestly believes Sirius means it when he says it to him. It's not so much the words as it is the sincerity and adoration in Sirius's voice when he says it. And the fact that Sirius never expects him to say it back is... Well, Remus is grateful.
Remus believes, with every fibre of his being, that he is the 'reacher' in their relationship. He is not quite sure why Sirius settled for him of all people, though. Remus isn't being cynical or pessimistic or self-depreciating when he says this. He is being realistic. He knows that he is not of the same calibre as Sirius. He's not as attractive as Sirius, or as confident as Sirius. And he thinks that Sirius probably agrees with him, deep down.
Sirius truly is a beautiful specimen.
His smile lights up the room, to abuse clichés. It really does. Remus often feels happier when Sirius is smiling or laughing. Even if he's been in a rotten mood all day, Sirius can change it with a few words or a simple touch.
Sirius's eyes have always mesmerised Remus, ever since Sirius glared at him over the Gryffindor table during Sorting Feast. They are a shade of grey that is always changing, depending on what mood he is in. When he's angry, they become stormy; when he's content, they are cloudy; and when he's aroused or excited, they turn silver. It is truly an amazing thing to witness, especially the latter.
And his hair, silky and thick and a perfect length. Remus loves to tangle his fingers in Sirius's hair, to grip and feel the dark tendrils slipping through his fingers whenever they are together, snogging or shagging or just lying together. Most of all, Remus loves Sirius's hands; delicate but strong, with long musician fingers and calloused palms from Quidditch.
Remus just can't seem to get over the differences in their looks. Sirius has a few scars, from the Wolf on Full Moon nights and from his childhood at Grimmauld Place, but Remus is covered in them. They have lessened in since his friends became Animagi and began joining him; but still, he still has the ones from his ten or so years in between getting bitten and having company.
He doesn't like undressing in front of Sirius. He's fine with it when it comes to Full Moons or showers but when he is with Sirius in other ways, he tends to get a bit self-conscious; more self-conscious, that is. He's never particularly liked his scars but at least he could handle them before. The one that runs from his left eyebrow to his upper lip, although faded, still reminds him of what he is. Like he could forget.
Remus has said it before and he'll say it again: Sirius Black is an awe-inspiring person. He is stunning, sometimes unbelievably so, but he is so much more than his looks. He is confident and smart and charming and talented. He is also charismatic and strong-willed and loyal to a fault. Sirius adores him, this much Remus knows. He isn't exactly subtle about it. He's always calling Remus 'beautiful' or 'magnificent' and Remus always finds him terribly endearing. He knows it's not true, but it is for Sirius and so he accepts the words with a blush and a, "Shut up."
Remus is not an ignoramus. He knows that Sirius is problematic. He knows that Sirius has trouble controlling his emotions and containing his anger. He knows of Sirius's internal conflicts; when his childhood lessons of hate conflict with his current opinions of love. Remus is trying to help him, but he doesn't know what to do and he doesn't know if he is doing more harm than good; doesn't know if he is helping or if he is making matters worse. The one consolation is knowing that Sirius is strong enough to deal with his own problems, even if it does mean slight mutilation every now and then – though Sirius hasn't hurt himself in two months, three weeks and five days now; and Remus is extremely proud of him.
Remus is not happy when Sirius hurts himself, but he doesn't know how to stop him. What do you do when someone you love is repeatedly punching a wall until their hand is bruised and bleeding and their knuckles are scraped and raw? Sirius is usually brilliant with words but he doesn't know how to speak about his issues. He just can't seem to tell Remus all of the things that are going on in his head.
Remus understands this. It is a problem they share – their inability to tell anyone about their problems and how they are feeling when they are frustrated and angry. Remus doesn't want to bother Sirius – or anyone, really – with his petty worries. And he suspects Sirius just can't find the right words, so he punches and he shouts and he does accidental uncontrollable magic.
Remus prefers his way of dealing with problems: he bottles them up until it's time to let everything go. He has been doing this since he was five years old and bitten by Fenrir Greyback. Obviously he can't be unmoved all of the time. There has been a couple of times where he just couldn't keep it all in, but he made sure that he was alone before he broke down. He can't allow other people to see him break, to see him vulnerable; especially not when he is supposed to be the rock for his family and friends.
Sirius deserves better, Remus knows this. Sirius deserves the world, but Remus can't even hold his hand in public without feeling anxious and fidgety. Sirius deserves everything. He deserves more than a poor, scarred, emotionally stunted werewolf. Sirius deserves someone who can kiss him in public, or at the very least someone who can say 'I love you' without feeling like a pathetic, inadequate fool...
Remus knows that his problems with 'love' are stupid and weird. Really, these issues are uncalled for. He was a loved child, with a mother and a father who encouraged and supported him, but he just can't say it and it is frustrating because all he wants to do is let Sirius know that he feels the same way. He knows he feels it, so why can't he say it?!
He wants to be able to tell Sirius that he loves him. He really does. Because he really does feel that way. He can't imagine his life without Sirius, and he doesn't want to. He doesn't know why Sirius settled for him when the ex-Black could have anyone he wanted but he is grateful every day that he wakes up with Sirius next to him, drooling on his pillow and talking in his sleep.
Remus knows that everyone agrees with him. He knows that everyone believes that Sirius deserves better. They just don't want to say it for fear of hurting him or because Sirius would get angry. Sirius is oblivious to the truth, but Remus knows.
If asked who he believed to be the reacher and the settler in his and Sirius's relationship, Remus wouldn't even skip a beat before answering that he is undoubtedly the reacher and that Sirius has settled for him. He has reached for the stars, and he thinks himself lucky to have caught one.
Remus wants to be enough for Sirius. He wants to deserve Sirius and to be able to tell Sirius that he loves him. Better yet, he wants to create a word that is stronger than love. He wants to create a word that expresses exactly how he feels. He wants to invent a word that expresses just how much he needs Sirius in his life. Because he does. Need Sirius, that is. So he will keep showing Sirius how much he loves him, because if he can't say it in words, he can bloody well make sure he says it through his actions.
A/N: Again, thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it.
Written: July, 2016
Rewritten: October, 2018