Hope can't believe that it's only the middle of the afternoon.
After the breakfast with his family, going to Fang and Vanille's house, working at the shop, and having the conversation with Vanille, only a few hours have ticked by.
It seems strange.
Hope looks at his phone for the time, and to see if any of his friends are busy, but then immediately regrets his decision.
"Oh no." He sighs, seeing "One missed call" and "One new text message" on his screen. Both alerts state that the sender was Alyssa. That's right. He's been avoiding her all morning.
Well, Vanille is being brave right now. It's my turn to do the same. Gotta face my feelings, gotta reap my actions.
Hope knows that he has to do the right thing. Biting the bullet, he exits the shop and strolls over to the old swingset his father ordered for him when he was a boy. It's still in good shape, despite the years of not being used. He tests the chain for sturdiness, then finding that it can still bear weight, he sits in a swing, prepared to make the call. He leans back for a moment, finding a breath. This is it.
He just decides to call her. That's more classy than texting, right?
Two rings. "Hello, Hope."
"Hey, Alyssa. Listen, about last night..."
"I just wanna say that I had a great time, and that if you don't ever wanna see me again, I get it, that's fine..."
"Whoa, slow down there." He chuckles. "You wouldn't even let me finish."
"Oh. Yeah. Heh. Sorry about that! Nerves and all."
"Yeah, no kidding. Hey, I think I might have been wrong about you. You're a good girl, I think. I don't know if you're working for the enemy in this incarnation yet-"
"I'm not! I can assure you!"
"...but, that is something that can only be ascertained in time." He leans his head onto the chain, pushing himself slowly back and forth with the toe of a boot. "In either case, maybe I owe you an apology for the way I treated you. Just give me a little more time, and when I'm confident that you're on the side of good, I can feel alright about saying sorry."
"Hope, I mean, this is great and all, but can we just talk about what happened last night? I mean, that's more on my mind than how you've been branding me as an enemy all this time...I was kind of prepared for hostility from you for a while now."
"Yeah. About last night." There is a surprising pause on the line from Alyssa's side. Wow. Her silence must mean she's REALLY concerned.
"I loved what happened. I'm not gonna lie. It was awesome."
Silence.
"But um...I just wished that I shared my first time with someone that I was in love with. Alyssa, I'm not in love with you."
"I know that, Hope. But...but do you think you could ever be?"
Wow. Hope isn't prepared for that meaningful of a statement. He pauses, and the moment is tense. What she just said meant that she cared for him, and held a hope of them being together romantically far longer than just one evening.
"Alyssa, I'm not going to say that I could. I'm sorry. I've known you for years on our home planet. We've known each other for a very long time, in another time and place. I would have loved you then if we were meant to be. I didn't, and to me at the time, you had no black spot on your honor. Now you do. I can't lie and say that every time we are around one another, I don't think about how you betrayed almost the fate of the entire world."
There is a pause in the conversation at the heavy weight of Hope's words, and Alyssa speaks in a small voice. "But, Hope-"
"Do I find you attractive, Alyssa? Yes. Do I think we can be together forever without any misgivings? No. Do I regret last night?"
The moment of truth at last.
"...no. I don't regret last night. I loved last night. I just don't think I'd want to wake up to having that every day for the rest of my life. Do you understand what I'm driving at?"
"I...I think so. But, Hope. I don't think you can wake up with her for the rest of your life, either."
She has Hope there. Her point is valid. "That's true. With the way that Light's been acting? No. Maybe not. I'm not even sure that she returns my feelings at this point. Maybe I'm losing any chance of happiness I can have with anybody at this point in the world."
"Oh, she has feelings for you, Hope. I'm a woman. We know these things. She just doesn't know how to deal with them. She's a warrior, not a lover. I don't know that she'll ever come to terms with the way that she feels. So I don't know you can have happiness. I like you, but you're right about one thing. If we were meant to be, you would have, at some point, been okay with my advances in the old world. I think frustration, sexual tension, and desperation drove you to me last night. You're still feeling that, so you don't have any regrets. But that doesn't mean that, in time, you won't regret last night eventually. That's what I'm afraid of. That you'll regret...me."
"Alyssa, the only thing I'm regretting right now is the fact that we have to have this conversation. It's getting pretty awkward." Hope sighs. "How fucked up is it, that out of everyone, you're one of the people I can be the most honest with?"
"...I'll choose not to take that last statement as an insult, Hope. But, for the record, what you just said was pretty insulting." She sighs. "Look, how about you and I just be friends for right now? You've got a lot of things to think over. I'm busy looking for more people right now for West Point. Get back to me when you've spoken with Lightning, okay? I'll wait. I agree that we're not soulmates, Hope. But I think we've gotten our tension out of the way, so we can just focus now on what we really want with each other. And I think a lot of that right now is riding on your feelings for Light. Once you've got that figured out, get back to me and let me know either way, alright? You owe it to all of us-you, Light, yourself-to figure out what's going on. You have this time now, Hope. Take it. I'll be waiting. Goodbye." With that, there is a click, and the call is over.
"Wow, Alyssa, that was pretty frickin' brave." Hope speaks to the phone, which he lays in his lap on the swing. She was right. All of it was right.
Well, he's halfway done with his decision to be honest with the people in his life. Alyssa down. Light to go. That was gonna be the toughest part.
Since when did talking to Lightning become difficult?
Since we no longer have a larger objective for each of us to focus on. The answer pops in his brain. Talking with Light was easy because we had each other to vent to. Now, there's no mission. No one has to take point. It's no longer obligatory. We're no longer l'Cie with the fate of the world in our hands.
No matter what happens next, he is gaining some pretty grudging respect for an old enemy. Alyssa is proving herself to be an ally again, but the thing is, is that he can never fully trust her. You can't be in a relationship with someone you can never fully trust.
But you can't be in a relationship with someone who isn't realistic and is childish about their feelings, too. Touche.
Time to give Light a second chance. Time to have faith.
He arranges to meet Light at the gym, after her training session. He says he'll pick her up. He gets there right on time, and parallel parks next to the large facility. Hope doesn't arrive early, because he doesn't want to seem like a creeper, watching her by staring into the gym from across the street. Like most training places in and around the metropolitan area, the gym has huge glass front panels, making up for walls.
She's right on time. Hope had barely thrown his Nitro in park when he sees her exiting, fringes of pink hair peeking out from her hood.
It's a typical February day in the northeast, so it's grey and the sky portends sleet. Light is dressed appropriately, in a warm down hoodie and layered pants, with galoshes on over her gym sneakers. She hightails it across the street and knocks on the back driver's side window to indicate for Hope to unlock the doors. Hurridely, he finds the button to do so, then waits as she throws her vinyl bag in the back and slides into the front seat, quickly shutting the door behind her.
"Thanks for the ride. I'm glad I didn't have to take the subway back to my apartment." She confides, her voice like dark tinted glass. It immediately sent chills down his spine. She sounds so different from Alyssa. Alyssa is the picture of blonde and bubbly, whereas Light is all mysterious. The only thing that threw off her entire demeanor is the trademark pink hair that her and her sister share.
"Sure thing, Light. So, whaddya wanna do?" Hope gets ready to navigate the busy traffic. Even though they aren't in downtown NY, the streets coming in and out of the city, like major arteries, can seem just as crazy as the bumper-to-bumper cars in the city proper. Fortunately, it's still the middle of the afternoon, so people aren't getting off work yet.
Light hasn't answered him yet, so he looks over at her, to find her eyes squinting at him, unsure. "You seem...different, somehow. You sure you're okay, Hope?"
Hope blushes. Before he arranged to meet up with Light, he took a full-body shower to get the smell of Alyssa's perfume off of him. He hopes that he doesn't smell like her still. Is it that obvious he's no longer a virgin?
"I'm...I'm fine. So, which way am I heading? I gotta know."
"Hm, if you say so, Hope. Uh, I don't know. I could use a post-workout snack. How about we go to Central Park and try something off the trucks? I always reward a gym session by trying a new truck downtown."
Hope laughs. "Okay, that's a start. So, how many trucks are there left that you haven't tried? One?"
"Three." Light sniffs, nose in the air.
Hope chuckles, shaking his locks from side to side. "You don't take a day off, do you?"
"Nope." Light's answer is short and to the point. "I gained a few pounds already in this world. I don't get the same action that I used to. I mean...wow." There is a slight blush to her cheeks as the connotation with sex in the word "action" is something that could have been implied.
Hope laughs it off, finally merging into traffic and switching off his blinker. "I get it, Light. I know what you meant. And you're bound to gain a little bit of weight. You're not fighting gods and fiends anymore, you know."
"They're called something different in this world. They're called overbearing men and rude subway passengers. Difference is, you can't fight 'em here." She buckles in, and pulls her hoodie back out of her face, shaking her head from side to side to let a few droplets scatter.
"You never change, do you?" Hope asks, and he hears his tone alter. It's kind of sad, the note with which he asks her the question. He wouldn't mind her changing by letting go of her defensive side.
Hope doesn't know if Light understands that he wants her to open up more, but she surprises him by the way she responds to his question.
After a slight pause, she turns to him and speaks.
"I am afraid of making changes. Being me has always seemed to work best for everyone-first with Serah, then for the sake of the entire old world. I'm finding out, little by little, day by day, that I don't have to be Light here. I can be Claire. And here, being Claire is a good thing."
Hope is glad that he has a sure grip on the wheel, otherwise he is sure he would have lost control of the car out of shock.
"I remember that I was the first person out of the group of us l'Cie you told your real name to. Do you remember, Light?"
She grins, he can see out of his periphial. She lies her head back on the headrest. "I thought I already told you to call me Claire."
Hope sighs, wrapping his hand around his neck. "Yeah, you did. The first time we met here, on the beach. But old habits die hard."
"Tell me about it." The rose haired woman who would be Claire exhales in agreement.
"I guess it's also kind of hard for me to acquiesce to your request when you've only acted like Lightning since we've been re-introduced."
"Wow, what a way to charm a lady. Hey, kiddo, I'm trying." She states this as a joke, and lightly slugs him on the arm to underscore her point, but the nickname she gives him infuriates him even more.
"What, you still think I'm a kid, Light? I thought I told you how joking around about my age with you makes me feel. I'm an adult, both in this world, and the last."
"Fair enough." Light nods. "If you can find a way to call me Claire, then I can find a way to re-evaluate you as the man you are. Deal?"
Hope sighs. "Only if you start acting like Claire around me. I think I've proven to you that I'm no longer a little boy."
The woman is silent. "Yes, you have. Though to be honest, I'm trying to be more like the Claire I was born to be, not only around you, but around everyone. Everywhere, it's hard. I want to do this for me in all facets of my life. It's important." Here she pauses. "It helps that I've accepted my past. Lumina is inside me. She helps guide me to see what's really important." She bows her head, and touches her chest.
"That's gotta be really weird." Hope is just honest with Claire. He figures honesty is just best. Even though it hasn't worked out really well for him with her thus far. "I mean, having another entity inside you? What's that inner dialogue like? Two different personalities shouting at each other?"
To Hope's surprise, Claire bursts out laughing. She laughs so hard, she shakes, and brings her hoodie sleeve up to hide her teeth. Hope almost swerves into the other lane, he can't stop staring at her.
I've never seen her laugh before. The effect is beautiful. I've never actually even seen her SMILE before. And here she's laughing? He starts trembling.
"Wha-Hope? Why are you staring at me like that?"
"You-you're LAUGHING. That's..."
"That's what?" The veneer of Lightning is pulled over Claire's features once more, and Hope can physically witness the defensive side taking over. A little light dies from her eyes, and she drops her sleeve, revealing a serious set of pouty lips.
Hope sighs, disappointment plain at having to talk to the mask.
"Put Claire back on the line."
Lightning whips around, anger smoldering for the briefest flash in her gaze, much like her adopted namesake, but then she holds it in.
"Hah hah. Very funny." Light folds her arms under her armpits, and begins to sulk out the window.
"I was just happy that you were laughing, is all. I've never seen you even smile before. I was GOING to say, before you became defensive, that I thought you looked beautiful when you are smiling. You don't have that small mouthed look about you anymore. You're just...I dunno...more, casual. Normal."
"NORMAL?!" Light scoffs. "That's the last thing I'd want to be accused of being."
There is a pause as Hope can respect the statement, and the sound of his blinker click-clicking as he switches lanes is loud in the cabin interior.
"Sometimes, Claire, being normal can be a good thing. Especially after running from it for so long. I don't want your anger to become your personality."
"That's kind of what Lumina was trying to get me to see. Now I have her back." Claire states after a pause, and her voice is so low that Hope has to strain to hear. "So I laughed because the mark hit a little too close to home. You don't remember, Hope, and it's not because of your temporary amnesia from growing up here as a child...no, you don't remember because I used to have exactly what you were describing a few minutes ago. 'Conversations inside my head.' All of the time, on the old world, I'd debate with myself, and no one could have known that, so don't get crestfallen that this is another memory that you can't recall." She pauses. "You said that must be weird. You asked me what it was like, to have another person inside me." Here she makes her trademark gesture of bringing her palm up to her chest and dipping her chin, closing herself off in thought. "But that's the problem. I still want to refer to myself and Lumina as two different people, when here, they are not. It's impossible to have different entities that resemble different time periods of your past talking to one another. On this world, there is no way that the scenario of having a walking, talking childhood could take place. Out of habit, I try to identify with my past feelings as those belonging to Lumina."
"That's where you're wrong." They are coming up close on Central Park, and Hope slows as he looks for a place to park. "You don't do that out of habit. Identify with your past as belonging to Lumina, I mean. You do it because you haven't accepted your past. Once you accept that your past is yours and that it's okay to be both emotional and strong, I'm sure you'll find that it won't be an issue anymore of you confusing feelings belonging to either Lumina or your own. Lumina won't exist anymore."
"She doesn't. She's gone. I took her into me." Claire states emphatically.
"True, she doesn't have a face anymore, but inside of yourself? She hasn't fully integrated with the rest of you that makes you a full human being. She's still there, lurking around, and she always will be. She's not going anywhere, now it's just a matter of making a seamless, fluid thing out of your feelings."
Hope finally finds a parking place, and out of years of practiced habit, throws the blinker on once again to parallel park.
"And what is THIS, Dr. Estheim? A SCIENTIFIC observation?" Light huffs, the anger clear in her voice. Oh, boy. This isn't going well. As soon as he hears the words, "Dr. Estheim," Hope immediately becomes angry and defensive. He hears 'Bartholomew Estheim' in those words, after having grown up with the surname belonging to his father twice over now, once in the old world, and in another lifetime here.
"Yes, it IS a scientific observation. Last time I checked, I don't need to study to become a scientist twice. By the standards of our old world, OR this one, I've went to school to become a scientist at one point, so I will always be one, no matter what world I happen to inhabit. My research and studying are still validated, though I may have traveled across time. You can take my words as those belonging to someone who studies the effects variables have on a control for a living. I'm eighteen, but I still retain memory-however fleeting-and knowledge inside. You are a control, Claire. Your experiences are the variables that make you react and feel throughout your life. Everyone is subject to the same thing. You've just got to find a way to come to terms with what has happened and make fluid adjustments to survive."
"YOU are telling ME how to SURVIVE?!" This is Light's sensitive point, and Hope can immediately sense the heat and anger blasting from her. She twists in her seat and unbuckles her seat belt, eyes wide. Uh-oh. This isn't going to be good. "You know as well as I do that surviving is my strongest point. Surviving is what I DO." Hope has long since parked seamlessly into the spot, and has thrown the Nitro into park, but hasn't cut off the engine. The car hums beneath them, quietly anticipating.
"Yes, Claire, you can survive, but can you LIVE?" Hope whispers, trying to bring her anger down. He bows his head and dips his eyes, keeping them downcast in a position of calm so as not to upset Light further. He unclips his belt, slowly, and the loud hissing of the nylon being returned to its sheath is momentarily all that can be heard inside the car. It's deafening.
After the pause, during which Hope still hasn't looked at Light, he can hear her reply. "And just how do I do that, Hope? How do I live, after all that I have done? How do I belong in a world that doesn't need saving?"
These words touch Hope, as he realizes that maybe, just maybe, she heard his argument deep down inside. Eyes shining, daring to believe that Claire Farron had actually paid attention to his observations, he slowly looks up, and sees that Claire is looking out the windshield toward the kids playing on the lawn, their high-pitched shrieks intermittent through the afternoon chill. She looks vigilant and alone, her chin tilted high in stark relief, her hair tinged by the faintest glow of the weak February sun.
"You never lose hope. That's how you live, Claire. You don't give up. You believe in yourself now. You have the time. You believe in YOURSELF. You save Claire. You save Lumina. You carry them proudly. You ARE them."
"You never lose 'hope,' huh? Is that supposed to be some cute play on words?" Light sort of sighs, but Hope can tell that there isn't any bite in the sting of her sarcasm.
"It can be, if you want it to be. I will not bring up my feelings or what I've already told you I wanted into this. Don't try to be coy and change the subject now because you aren't comfortable talking about this anymore. Nice try. This is now your time to be honest."
Claire smirks, and bows her head in acknowledgement. "Damn. Couldn't fool you, could I?"
Hope grins. "We're both too old for that. You don't give me enough credit. That's okay, though. You will in time, the more that we hang out." Feeling that this is a good time, Hope straightens, and pulls the keys out of the ignition. He pops open the door, feeling the spray of the cold mist on his left side.
"You ready to go get that bite, or what? Trying to talk some sense into you is hard work. I'M hungry now. And you're paying."
Claire laughs, opening her door as well and stepping one leg out the car. "Deal."