Memories
Borrowed
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He sat back in his chair, waiting for Tora to return and their food to arrive. A sudden squeal made him turn. Two women were staring in at him through the window.
"You're Wolverine, aren't you?"
He grunted and nodded.
"Wow… do you come here often? I mean, will you come here often?"
He shrugged, wishing Tora would return soon.
"Has anyone ever thanked you? For saving the world and stuff?"
He shrugged again.
"Er… Would you like to come with us…?"
He shook his head.
"My wife should be coming over in a minute."
"You're… You're married?"
"Logan."
He turned and breathed a sigh of relief as Tora walked over. She smiled at him.
"Hi. Sorry, queues were terrible."
She leant in to kiss his cheek and he felt a little rush of relief. She'd heard everything and decided to play along. He glanced over at the women who were staring with wide eyes. Tora hadn't bothered to hide her scars or her hair. In terms of secret identity, she'd basically decided that if she was recognised in the street, she'd just glare at whoever was pestering her until they ran away screaming about freaky dragon eyes. She slid into the seat and raised the glass of water he'd got for her.
"Kampai."
He raised his glass of rice wine in return.
"Kampai."
And she smiled at him and he wondered what had made her so cheerful.
"That's really quite sweet."
Logan's mouth dropped open as he opened the door into their room with his free hand. Tora giggled and he turned to her.
"How did you do this? I mean, they'd have gone out by now…"
She grinned.
"The advantages of having your alternate reality counterpart in the same house as you is it's so easy to explain something to them. In this case, it's my wedding anniversary and would you be able to do me a favour? She just smiled and winked."
Logan looked back into the room, lit with candles and the ice bucket with a bottle in. Tora peered over his shoulder and sighed.
"She went overboard, didn't she?"
He shrugged.
"I don't know. I kinda like it."
She glared at him.
"I'm slightly worried about that look on your face. You're planning something."
"Me? Surely not."
"Logan?"
"Come on? How often do we get a chance like this to just…relax?"
"We spent all evening having a normal conversation in a normal restaurant and we didn't have to get up once to go save the world."
He smiled at that.
"Yes. It was rather unexpected."
She laughed and rested her free hand on his, pushing his fingers into her other palm.
"How long has it been? Since we last had a totally uninterrupted night just for us?"
Logan closed his eyes, counted back.
"Si- No… Er… I can't even remember…"
Tora smiled and leant over, brushing her lips over his.
"Shall we change that?"
The pool went glassy and opaque. The masked woman was staring up at the high, domed ceiling, which should display a panorama of stars, galaxies and nebulae. Instead, there was…nothing… Not even blackness, because blackness suggested something. Just…emptiness… Death of all things… Phoenix touched her companion's shoulder.
"It's okay. Everything will turn out fine. I promise."
They were lying close, staring up at the ceiling. Tora finally spoke.
"I'm thinking of starting counselling. For some of the students. Broo and Genesis in particular."
Logan glanced at her.
"Any particular reason?"
Tora shrugged.
"Broo… He's worried. He doesn't show it, but he's terrified that one day he's going to end up like the other Brood. And Genesis…? Logan, we can't keep lying to him forever. We have to tell him the truth someday. I'd rather he finds out from someone he trusts than from doing his own digging –which he is doing- or being told by a fellow student."
"And?"
"Would you be able to furnish me with an office? I'd rather not have serious heart-to-heart conversations in a classroom. Too easy to be walked in on, right as I'm explaining to Broo that what people think you are and what you actually are are completely different things."
"And?"
"Most of the students will make puking noises. I'd also quite like to have the place lined with ceramics. Keep the telepaths –specifically Quire- out."
"You don't trust him, do you?"
"He's an arrogant fool who'll end up destroying us all. You know that as well as I do, Logan."
"I thought we weren't talking about work tonight?"
She smiled.
"Well, you failed miserably."
"That was a test?!"
She grinned up at him.
"Of course. Although I do want an office and a chance to counsel the kids who are messed up even in our line of work."
"Wait, isn't one of the prerequisites of us being superheros is that we are, by definition, messed up. Let's think, Stark decided to be Iron Man after being kidnapped and tortured. Spidey took to the streets because his uncle was killed. I was turned into a killer. Etana… I'm not even certain what made Etana do what she did, but it must have been pretty bad."
Tora stared at the ceiling.
"It was."
"What?"
"What happened. It was terrible. She never forgave herself."
"Tora?"
He shifted so he was looking right at her, her gaze fixed on the edge of the light fitting, her pupils wide in the dark.
"Tora?"
"She saw herself. She saw herself as others saw her. And it terrified her."
"Tora?"
She glanced over at him then back up.
"I need the counselling sessions, Logan. I need to be able to help these children in a way that isn't just smashing heads together or disarming bombs. I need to help them see that they are what they choose to be."
"Like?"
"Logan, I need them to see that no one has the right to try and mould them. Not even us. Because if we take these children –no matter how much we care- and try and teach them to be good by suppressing who they are, then we will just destroy them. We have to show them what good is by example. By addressing their fears and showing them that we were like them once."
"This is more than that, isn't it?"
She sighed. Tilted her head backwards. Sighed again.
"I feel that denying to them what they are is the same as trying to force them to be something they're not. I know that feeling all too well. The feeling that everyone sees you as a monster… an animal…"
So it was about that. She never let it show… Acted as though it was all over. Causing everyone to forget that it hadn't even been ten years since they found her; weak, scared and alone. She pretended it was nothing. Pretended she was over it. That it didn't matter. That the X-Men, the kids, Dragon, all made up for her torture, imprisonment and the brutal stripping of her humanity. But he had always…not quite known…suspected at least, that she was still haunted by the years of darkness. He knew, deep down, that she didn't define herself as Tora or Dragon or even as Marie. In her eyes, she was –and always would be- Xii. The first name she had taken, in a life of taken, stolen, borrowed names. She pushed aside Marie as the name of an innocent child and she was in no way innocent. Innocence implied a certain level of naivety. Tora had seen far too much to be anything as foolish as naïve. Dragon… Dragon was a disguise, the smooth veneer of calm wisdom that she projected in the field, much as Tigress had been the exuberantly joyful expression of her freedom. And Tora… Tora was a disguise, so well fabricated that even she had forgotten and been taken in. And there was only one thing Logan could say.
"Yeah. We'll get you an office."
Phoenix inhaled.
"Such… Such confusion and contradiction and beauty. There's no real question of why she ended up the way she did."