Assassin's Creed (c) Ubisoft
Concept (c) sannam
Edward grumbled as he tossed the bulky diaper bag into the back seat of his beat-up old car; Haytham squirmed in his arms, babbling nonsense, wanting to be let down. "Easy there, you little sea urchin," Edward mumbled as he ducked into the car. Haytham wriggled, attempting to get free from his father's grip. "No, no," Edward sighed, putting Haytham into his car seat, the boy made another break for it but Edward pushed him back, slipping his tiny arm through a strap, then the other before buckling him in.
Haytham blinked, squirmed and tried to pull the buckle out. His attempt was futile. He whimpered, wriggling and slowly began to protest, his scream increasing in volume with every breath he squeezed from his tiny lungs. "Knock that off, Haytham!" Edward said, but his son ignored him. "Jaysus." Edward rubbed his forehand before digging his car keys out of his pocket. He closed the door before getting into the driver's seat. Haytham was still screaming in protest in his car seat. "C'mon start," Edward pleaded, his son's shrill screams starting to fray a nerve, "start you bloody fucker!" The car rumbled into life, the radio turned on, some heavy metal song playing. Haytham continued to wail. Edward turned up the radio, hoping to drown out his son's cries.
Haytham reacted by screaming louder. "Keep ya cool Kenway, keep ya cool," Edward muttered as he resisted banging his head repeatedly against the steering wheel. He hoped the drive to Buy Smart would put his son to sleep.
Edward use to be a simple man with simple needs. He use to go grocery shopping every other week, ordering pizza and Chinese take-out most days of the week or living off of instant ramen the days he didn't. When he met Tessa, things didn't really change much, then they had Haytham and things changed dramatically. Now as a single father, Edward found the task of grocery shopping daunting.
Thus Edward James Kenway found himself staring at the diaper aisle, his mind quite literally blown, wondering just what type of diapers to buy while trying to remember what diapers Tessa use to get. There were Huggies, Pampers, and a few other brands that Edward didn't recognize. Deals of buy 2 get the 3 half-off or 2 for $5. Yes, Edward concluded that this was a task best tackled by two people or a woman. Definitely a woman.
Edward glanced at his son, who mindlessly chewed on a teething ring in contentment. "Well, at least one of us isn't internally freakin' out," Edward muttered and eased the cart further into the diaper aisle. Cautiously he went up to a shelf, one hand on the cart and stared at the smiling baby on the package. He squinted at the writing on the packaging. "Leak guard? What the hell is leak guard?" he muttered. "Free movement? Jaysus, what do these people think these kids will get into? A nuclear war?"
Edward rubbed his chin. He wanted diapers, plain simple diapers. He didn't need anything fancy, just cheap diapers. Edward looked around and spotted a young mother pushing her cart. She stopped behind him, and grabbed a pack of diapers. Edward chewed his lip, made the decision and hesitantly asked, "Uhm… what diapers are the best?"
The mother looked at him, smiling. "Awww, how sweet of you to buy diapers with your son," she said.
"Uh, thanks. Look, ma'am, I just want to know which—"
"He's a little cutie, how old is he?" she asked, cooing at Haytham. For his credit, Haytham was more interested in his teething ring than the strange woman ogling him.
"A year, almost two," Edward said, "look lady all I need is—"
"Bye," she said upon seeing a man walk towards her. Edward huffed, watching the woman greet her man. Edward looked away, feeling a sharp pang of loss. He put his hand on Haytham's small head. The boy looked up at him, gnawing happily on his teething ring. Edward smiled.
"It'll be alright, sea urchin, I'll take good care of ya," Edward whispered, before digging out his phone. He scrolled through his contacts until he found the name he was looking for; he tapped it and pressed the phone to his ear.
"Who's this?" came the familiar voice of his best friend.
"Blackie, thank goodness! I need your help."
"With what?" Thatched asked, sounding tired.
"Diapers. I need diapers."
"Go buy some then. I'm not the damn diaper fairy."
"I'm at the store. I don't know which ones to get!"
"Get the ones Tessa got."
"I don't know which ones she got!"
"What do you want me to do about it?"
"Look, Blackie, there are literally fucking thousands of them! You gotta help me out!" Edward pleaded. He glanced up into the large fluorescent lights, listening to the alternative rock song that was playing on the radio that the store broadcasted. Edward snarled at some of the more prudish mothers that shot him scowls, not approving of his casual usage of vulgarity. "Please?"
"Christ, Kenway! Do it your fucking self, I'm not your goddamn boyfriend!" Thatch sighed into the phone.
"Blackie!"
"No. I'll be by your place at six so you can get to work. You are on your own with this diaper thing. Bye." There was a click and Edward sighed in frustration. He scrolled through his contacts and tapped another number.
"C'mon, c'mon, pick up!" Edward muttered, tapping his foot as he waited.
"'Ello?" came a voice on the other end.
"Mary! Thank goodness. Look, I'm in the diaper aisle at Buy Smart, I need your help in finding diapers," Edward said. He heard Mary groan into the receiver and mutter something in Spanish.
"Anne just left for Buy Smart. I'll give her a buzz and tell her to swing buy, so sit tight. And why are you even calling me? Why didn't you call Caroline?"
"I'm not fucking calling Caroline! She'll squeeze me for child support after she cusses me out for being a worthless piece of shit!" Edward hissed into the phone. "Just… never mind."
"Well Anne should help," Mary replied evenly.
"Thanks."
"Is Haytham with you?"
"Yeah, why wouldn't he be? I'm not that irresponsible that I'd leave my own kid at—"
"Don't swear in front of him you fucking jackass!" Mary shouted loud enough that Edward had to hold the phone away from his ear. She hung up after that and Edward scowled at his phone before shoving it into his pocket.
Edward waited for Anne to show up, which took about fifteen minutes but felt like an hour. "Boy am I glad to see you," he said, flashing her a grin when she finally showed up.
"Hello Haytham!" Anne cooed, ignoring Edward. Haytham giggled, babbling at her cutely.
"Oh sure, greet my kid, not me will ya," Edward growled. Anne snorted, before pulling to packs of Huggies diapers off the shelf and dropping them into Edward's cart.
"There. Buy these. They are for 1-3 years of age. They are a good price and quality," Anne said.
"Why are you so hostile to me, Anne?" Edward sighed.
"Mary told me you called her and so did Blackie," Anne said.
"So?"
"So, if you want to keep your kid," Anne said, grabbing another pack of diapers, "woman up!" she shoved the diapers into Edward's arms. She tucked some hair behind her ear before smiling at Haytham. "Bye Haytham, before good for your daddy!" Anne said and walked off. Edward huffed, running his hand through his hair.
Thatch didn't know what to make of the reading material on Edward's whale couch. "What?" Edward asked, looking up. "Anne said to 'woman up' so I swung by the bookstore and bought a couple of parenting books."
"Good grief Kenway," Thatch muttered, "you're so hopeless. You won't last a week."
"Shut up Mr. Eight Divorces," Edward growled, shifting Haytham to the side of the couch. The sleeping boy stirred but nothing more. "Are you sure you can do this?"
"Its fine, go. You'll be late," Thatch said, sitting down next to Haytham.
"Thanks, I'll pay you back," Edward stammered.
"You can pay me back by making it to the job I got you and giving me a beer the next time I'm over."
"Deal," Edward agreed before bending down and kissing his son's forehead, "see ya," he muttered to Thatch before leaving.
Edward got home around three in the morning, and slowly made his way to the living room. Thatch was watching reruns of Cheers, Haytham asleep on his chest. "How was work?" his friend asked.
"Fine, I guess," Edward whispered, plopping down on the couch. He pulled his jacket off, then his button down shirt. He looked at the stained T-shirt that contrasted with his black slacks. He made a face, then scooped his son from Thatch's set and cuddled the little boy. "Cheers, really?" Edward whispered, resting a hand on Haytham's back, feeling his fragile ribs rise and fall steadily.
"Eh, it was on," Thatch shrugged. Edward nodded, resting his head against the back of the couch. He closed his eyes, letting the drone of the TV lull him to sleep.
It's really hard writing this with my cat sleeping on me, using my left arm as a pillow. He's a cute bugger, but damn. Sometimes I wish he didn't insist on sleeping on my lap when I'm on my laptop.
And Edward continues to fumble through parenting. Next one should have Haytham a bit older so he can be more interactive. Also, the Assassin parents will make cameos later. They aren't really friends of Haytham, but he knows them and gets along with them for the most part. I'm thinking there will be a sleep over-birthday party chapter, which explains why Haytham doesn't let his friends spend the night (or the afternoon) at his house anymore. Hahah.
Save an author; leave a review!
-Nemo