Laments on the Couch (While You Were Sleeping)
Skye fell asleep on his shoulder.
Simmons had given her the all clear to leave the med pod after the near-fatal gunshot wounds she suffered, but she was still weak and got tired easily. That's how they ended up sitting on the couch talking through strategy instead of going down to the cargo bay for actual, physical training, like she had originally wanted. Still, she fell asleep halfway through their conversation, her head resting on his shoulder.
For a couple of minutes, he contemplated waking her and sternly ordering her to go to bed. Then he switched to gently telling her to get some sleep. Then he thought about simply picking her up and carrying her to her bunk – after all, it couldn't have been good for her sleeping half on the couch, half in his lap, to where she'd migrated in her sleep.
But then he decided all against it, and simply stayed there, watching her and gently stroking her hair.
She looked so young, so innocent in her slumber – long lashes caressing her cheeks, lips slightly parted, breathing light, regular. She curled up like a tiny kitten (she was about as cute, too), and all he wanted to do…
All he wanted to do…
He closed his eyes, let his head fall back and let out a sigh. This wasn't going to end well.
All he wanted to do was to hold her close and never to let her go. He wanted to clutch her to his body, so tight that he could feel her heart beat against his. He wanted to envelop her in his arms, and protect her for all the demons of the world. He wanted to be her protector, her knight in shining armor. He wanted to keep her from harm's way, happy, safe and loved.
It was such a foreign feeling, it scared him.
How could he…?
How could he be enough? Good enough, strong enough, skilled enough?
And furthermore: could she even… love him back?
But it was foolish to think about things like that now. He knew that the storm was brewing – it wasn't long now until everything his team knew crashed and burned. Until HYDRA emerged, mostly likely blowing his cover. Until John reached his goal.
And he should have been excited about that, he knew that – they were finally getting what they'd been working from fifteen years. But he just couldn't – there was this uneasy feeling growing in the pit of his stomach, not letting him rest, urging him to do something before he lost everything.
Still, he didn't act. He just went along the plan as expected, hoping for the best, but vowing that he wouldn't let anything happen to Skye ever again. And praying that one day she'd forgive him his sins.
But until then, until the situation remained unchanged, he was content with simply serving as her pillow.