Memories

Animal

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Tora tilted her head to one side, listening to the people who did not know her, had never met her, calling her a threat and a monster and an animal. At the last one, she leapt up angrily.

"I'd rather be an animal if humanity is so cruel it tortured my son and denied him a childhood for who his parents were!"

"Ms Circen, sit down!"

But she was crying, hot angry tears.

"Do you know what it feels like? To reach out for a child and be told he's too weak to be held? To beg to be allowed to see him and be told you can't? To be told he died? To live with the knowledge that the child who was alive –who you felt living inside you, sustained by you- is never going to be held in your arms? And then to find out that he was taken and turned into a killer! If that is humanity, then I take the label animal proudly!"

She felt Madrox wrestle her back to her seat, felt his arm wrap awkwardly around her, trying to comfort her. But she was simply sitting there, thinking of what it felt like, remembering back to that horrific moment when the doctor had entered the room and quietly told her that her son was dead. The moment the bottom fell out of her world and she didn't know what to say, do, think. She was numb. No, not numb. Anaesthetised. Unable to breathe. Unable to feel anything but the rising fear, cold spiralling from the pit of her stomach. Cold. So very cold. Ice and burning. She felt herself shaking. Forced herself to think of Curt, sitting quietly in the back of the room with Tommy Shepherd, her funny little –only not so little now- boy, all quietly competent and calm. But the walls were closing in. She couldn't breathe. Was this how Ororo felt when she was in a small space? Trapped, unable to move? She shivered even more and hunched into the seat, trying to make herself appear small, less of a threat. Not working. After all, a wolverine is a small animal, yet one of the most dangerous. A lynx is not the biggest cat but can easily kill a much larger prey animal. The most poisonous serpents weren't always the biggest. She was slender and light-footed, a perfect predator. And these people knew that. They knew she was faster than them, stronger than them. They knew that she was more than they were. And so they made her less.

She ignored the others then leant over to Madrox.

"Do I actually have to be here?"

He nodded and she sighed.

"Tora, this is important. You shouldn't be trying to get out of it."

"It's always important. Is this really more important than reading my daughter a bedtime story?"

He made a face.

"What do you read her?"

She shrugged minutely.

"Depends. She definitely likes Harry Potter and she absolutely adores The Hobbit. Of course, I rather think Logan's taken to reading her the Monty Python scripts when it's his turn."

She returned her intense gaze back on the ceiling. Multiple Man sighed quietly. It was disconcerting. That gaze that seemed to strip you bare. He could handle it if it was just Dragon. But no, it had always been a part of Tora, that look that told you that she knew you better than you knew yourself. It put people off her.

Then he leapt up, raising an objection to a comment.

"Oh, that look! It always scared people."

She said still, ignoring them all then started when she heard her name. She'd been 'Ms Circen' so long, she'd forgotten her own name. Steve…

"Tora has been a trusted member of the New Avengers for almost a year. However, in retrospect, asking her to join wasn't the best move at the time."

She-Hulk leant forward.

"Can you explain why?"

"She had gone through a period of extreme emotional upheaval. Her best friend was killed and she was still trying to cope with it. We piled more and more on top of her until it was obvious she was going to snap under the pressure."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, the psychiatrist warned us. She was diagnosed with PTSD. She made out it was no big thing but…well, with Tora, you never know if she's trying to make life easier for everyone. We found out after three months that she'd been lying to us all about how much sleep she was getting. Less than four hours a week because she was crossing from San Francisco to New York and back again as often as she could."

"She was diagnosed with PTSD and no one intervened?"

"Well, we weren't certain. Tora often ignores herself in favour of others. She'd push her own problems aside to help others. No one could take on other's causes like she could."

"She remained on the team, despite being diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder?"

"We weren't entirely certain. And from previous experience, Tora has always worked to get over things like this alone."

"She has had mental disorders before?"

"She was diagnosed with post-natal depression about three years ago."

"You let a woman with a history of depression and suicide attempts on the Avengers?"

"I never said suicide attempts!"

"Would you care to comment on her statement that she tried to kill herself before?"

"She was being tortured. I think anyone would try and kill themselves after that."

"Captain Rogers, were you ever worried about the mental health of Ms Circen?"

"Yes. Especially after she was kidnapped…"

"Captain Rogers?"

Steve looked down. Tora rolled her eyes. She knew him well enough to realise he was playing to the crowd. It would be a bit of a surprise to most, that squeaky-clean Captain America could be Machiavellian in character but he had been around politics since he was twenty.

"She refused to talk about it. We…we know that she was brainwashed. They made her doubt everything she ever was. And then… We…we…we think that one of the captors tried to make her think…think that they were…together…"

10 out of 10 for awkward forties morals. 2 out of 10 for authenticity. Well, to Tora anyway.

"She…she wouldn't say anything but we think that they might have…tried to…"

He trailed off and looked up.

"She seemed better before that. And then she just…slipped…"

"Slipped?"

"It was like all the progress she had made was lost. She retreated into herself. It was like we got her back but she still doubted herself."

Tora turned her head away. Steve and Jen had rehearsed this. She sounded harsh, searching. He sounded like a man who had made mistakes and was torn between protecting a friend and telling the truth or abandoning her and painting himself in a positive light. Naughty, naughty, Stevie-Boy.

"We didn't know what to do. She was so alone. We couldn't help her. She wouldn't let us."

"Why not?"

"Because we couldn't talk. She kept saying she hadn't time and would run off to do something else. Lack of communication. We thought the X-Men were talking with her. They thought we were. We failed her."

He turned his head away.

"We didn't know how to help and we never asked."

The judge leant forward.

"I think we could do with hearing this from a psychiatrist, Captain Rogers."

"Well, Dr Stevens is here."

"Bring him in."

"Stevens?"

"After Samson died, SHIELD brought him in to counsel Avengers and he became something of a fixture."