Recently I have gotten a review that gave me particular criticisms about my story. Thankfully, it wasn't flaming and was just an opinion, but I had a third party look over my story and gave me some criticisms that I definitely should address. Out of those, here are the ones that I have to take and how I plan to approach them:
Add more males characters – This I can definitely try to do, as I did have at least one other planned, but I'm having trouble thinking of other male characters. So maybe I'll open up OC submission via PM if you have any ideas for male characters. That should help things in that regard.
Implied romance feels forced and unrealistic – Okay, I don't know anything about relationships as I've never been in one, though I'm still sure I know more about them than what Twilight portrays it should be. However, I'm not sure which character is being pointed at here, but I can tell you it is not Azusa. Also, the romance that I know I'm trying to imply is to build up to something for that character later on in the story, but I guess I don't need to hammer it in every chance I get. However love takes on many different forms and requires different amounts of time to take effect. I mean, with Fairy Tail nobody complains about the instant crush/love that Juvia had for Gray or Lyon had for Juvia.
Character dialogue is weak – To be fair, I actually run the dialogue through my head and make sure it sounds what a real conversation sounds like. I also only apply exposition when it's needed. But I've been told that it's not easy… at all. But maybe before I update a chapter, I could read it over again for anything that might sound unnatural. Everyone has a different way of speaking so what might be unnatural to you might be natural to someone else.
Don't expect these changes to be instantaneous. I know I'm not a great writer, but I do want to learn and I do write this story for fun. However, I also don't want to bore people. From now on, I won't be asking anyone to review; only review if you feel like it. Anyway enjoy… or be bored.
Spiral was once again lying down on the table after having completed another job. Jason had walked up to him and sat down at the table.
"Doesn't that get uncomfortable at all?" Jason asked.
"I've relaxed on worse." Spiral answered. "… Do you even have your own place yet?"
"I do." Jason answered. "It's a nice apartment right here in town."
"I'm still looking around for something that's affordable enough for my lifestyle."
"Anyway, I'm off to go on another job. See you later."
Just as Jason left, Blaise approached Spiral with a book in her arms.
"Spiral, if you're not doing anything could you do me a favor?" Blaise asked. "I just need you to take this book back to the church. Just say that I sent you and they will handle the rest."
"Sure, no problem." Spiral said as he was handed the book.
Spiral had arrived at the Roseshade church and went into the library. Upon entering, he saw a young girl with light purple hair of medium length and eyes as blue as the ocean wearing an orange clerical robe standing at the front desk.
"Excuse me?" Spiral asked. "I'm here to return this. Master Blaise sent me here."
"Oh, are you a wizard from Phoenix Dawn?" She asked. "I've always wanted to be in a guild… but that's a long, complicated story that I'm sure you don't want to hear." She had a slight laugh during her last comment.
She took the book from Spiral and headed toward a bookshelf to put it back. She walked up the ladder to a shelf about 15 feet high. However, Spiral noticed something about the ladder; one of the legs was about to break apart.
"Look out!" Spiral shouted.
"Huh?" The girl looked down, but as soon as she did the foot of the ladder broke. "WAAAH!"
She fell back and the back of her head was about to hit the floor until Spiral dashed in and grabbed her.
"You all right?" Spiral asked the girl.
The girl just looked at Spiral's face and blushed from being so close to a boy's face.
"Um…" She mumbled. "Y-yes… Thank you…"
Spiral let her down and onto her feet and she went over to the ladder to see why it broke.
"Oh, looks like the wood on the ladder rotted." She sighed in exasperation. "I'll have to order a new one." She then turned to Spiral. "Thanks again for saving me."
"I'm just glad that you're safe." Spiral said.
There was a bit of awkwardness in the air for a bit as neither one of them said anything for almost a minute.
"Uh, anyway, my name is Hikari Suta (Age 14)." She said. "What's yours?"
"Spiral Yuki." Spiral answered as he held out his hand.
Hikari shook his hand. "I hope I can see you again."
"You, too. You seem really nice."
"Thanks."
After a day of looking at apartments, Spiral had returned to the guild hall and was looking at the request board again.
*I should probably find another job to do and get some extra money.* He thought.
While he was lost in thought, someone tapped his shoulder. He turned around and recognized who it was.
"Hikari?" Spiral asked, surprised to see her.
She was now wearing an orange V-neck shirt that exposed some slight cleavage and a dark blue medium length skirt.
"Hi, Spiral." Hikari said.
"What are you doing here?"
"I got off work. But I also got to thinking that since now that there's a guild near the church, I should finally join one." Hikari smiled at Spiral. "Also… I think you're an absolute cutie!"
Hikari glopped Spiral into a tackle hug and affectionately rubbed her face against his arm.
"You're just so kind and heroic! It's like something out of a comic book!" Hikari said.
"I read comic books, does that count?" Spiral asked.
In Blaise's office, she was looking over several reports and papers. Some of them were from the Magic Council, one or two were from either Blue Pegasus or Lamia Scale on their continued search for the missing Fairy Tail wizards.
*It's been over 6 years since that day.* Blaise thought.
(Flashback)
It was late X784 and an 18 year old Blaise was walking into the town of Magnolia.
*I can't wait to join the Fairy Tail guild!* She thought. *After years of training in Mermaid Heel, I finally feel confident enough in my abilities to join!*
She came across the Fairy Tail guild hall and walked right inside. Upon walking inside, the people in the guild looked toward the door as if they were hopeful for something, but upon seeing Blaise the hope on their faces were replaced by disappointment.
"Is everything all right?"
(End Flashback)
Blaise turned her head and looked at the pictures of her and the guild mates from the various guilds she had joined over the years: Mermaid Heel, Fairy Tail and Lamia Scale.
Knock. Knock.
"Master Blaise?" Spiral's voice spoke from outside the office door. "We have a new member that wants to join."
Blaise let out a nostalgic sigh before standing up and walking to the door.
Meanwhile, Sakura and Flora were walking back from the train station after completing another mission.
"Why do we have to keep riding trains?" Sakura asked, still clearly getting over her motion sickness. "From now on, I'm walking to the clients."
"Isn't that inconvenient for the clients?" Flora asked.
"I don't care, as long as I don't have to ride any more vehicles." Sakura groaned.
The two finally arrived back at the guild hall and entered.
"We're back!" Sakura said loud enough for the whole hall to hear.
"Hey!" Spiral said as he came out of the office.
"Still being lazy?" Flora asked.
"I was thinking of going out on a job, if you must know." Spiral responded.
"Spiral!" Hikari exclaimed as she came out of the office and hugged him from behind. "I'm officially a member of Phoenix Dawn! You want to know where I had my guild mark placed?"
"Who is this?" Sakura asked.
"I'm your new guild mate, Hikari." She introduced herself.
"Might I ask why you are being so chummy around Spiral?" Flora asked.
"Because he's going to be my future boyfriend."
"… I literally have no response for that." Flora said.
"… Wouldn't this be the point where Sakura gets upset because there's a girl with bigger boobs than-" Spiral was about to say, but then he noticed that Sakura was already asleep on the table.
"… Great, there's two of you now." Flora said looking at Spiral.
"What was that about boobs?" Hikari asked with an almost suggestive smile. "Ooh, you're a little naughty, aren't you?"
"Wh-what?!" Spiral said, his cheeks turning pink. "No I'm not!"
"I think the flush on your cheeks says otherwise." Flora said.
"Why are you making it worse?!" Spiral asked.
"That's just who I am." Flora shrugged.
On a train leaving town, Spiral and Hikari were both looking out the window and watching the sunset.
"What about your work at the church?" Spiral asked.
"I already took care of that with the reverend. I'm still going to help out at the church, but I also want to spend as much time with my new guild mates as I can."
"Phew, I thought you gave up your job entirely."
"Of course I wouldn't, I owe my life to the reverend."
"You DID mention a long, complicated story."
"Well… let's just say that he gave me a home when I didn't have one."
"If that's all you want to say about right now, I'm cool with that."
"Thank you for understanding." Hikari smiled.
Later that night in a giant mansion in a series of mountains, a young man had beaten up a knight wearing black armor and knocked him into the ground. The young man had black, well-groomed hair, had blood red eyes and wore a long black cape with a white cotton shirt and black cotton pants.
"That'll be enough training for today." The young man said as he walked away.
The knight was carried out by some other knights and taken to the infirmary.
"Master Xanders (Age 18), care for some wine?" His butler asked.
"Please, thank you." The man named Xanders said. He sat down at a small table and took a sip from his wine glass. "Even when I hold back, they hardly put up a fight."
"Surefire proof of your strength, Master Xanders. The crown will assuredly be yours."
"Even so, I won't be outdone by the other families." Xanders took another sip of his wine before speaking again. "I wonder…"
A/N: Before I give my closing comments, let me announce that I am officially opening OC submissions, but only for male characters. If you want to submit one, PM me and DO NOT place the information in the reviews! I will only accept a minimum of 5 and a maximum of 10. Anyway, I at least hope you enjoyed this chapter and think I'm improving as a writer, even a little. Like I said in my earlier comment, you don't have to review unless you want to; I'm done with that shtick, even though part of it was joking.