Memories
Farewell
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They stood in a subdued huddle. Only those closest to Tora's heart had been invited. Steve was pointedly ignoring Scott and Erik's presence, to save awkward scenes. The air was distinctly tense. Hank wasn't there –Kurt still hadn't woken from his coma and Beast was still trying everything he could.
Tora went without a coffin. Instead she lay there, in the black and yellow training uniform of the X-Men, wrapped in their flag. She went without the cowl and her face seemed…peaceful. She looked as if she could have been sleeping but Logan knew that wasn't how she slept. Her face flitted from expression to expression, lightning fast as she dreamt. She shifted position constantly, often taking up most of the bed as she did so. He had studied her sleeping. Now he desperately scanned her features one last time, determined to memorise her facial structure –the exact shape of the eyes, the slight twist in her lips from the scars, the silhouette of her nose in profile, the way her fringe covered her forehead… So many details, little irregularities that made her so perfect.
The final words were spoken, the Blackbird bay opened and her body tumbled out into the sky, falling until it hit the Pacific below, the adamantium weighing her down, sinking her without a trace. Dragging her down almost seven miles to the ocean floor, where the immense pressure would crush her and the hagfish would gorge on flesh. The Challenger Deep in the Marianas Trench, the deepest known part of the ocean –and Tora's final resting place. As a send off, it was pretty impressive.
Logan squinted at the water below and he could see shapes in the waves. Namor and the Atlanteans, following her as deep as they dared go, a funeral procession fit for a queen.
He turned away. He didn't want to think of her lost forever in the cold, dark ocean. He couldn't cope. Not without her. Not without the soft-spoken "Carcajou" at times of stress not without the tender hands that knew how and when to massage the tension out of him, leaving him willing and eager to reprocate; not without the dry comments during every mission briefing. He needed her.
But she was already sinking to obscurity far below as Namor broke the surface to join them in the Blackbird. The King of Atlantis entered and glanced over, seeming to understand that right now, Logan just wanted to be left alone. Storm stood beside him, tenderly wrapping an arm around him. Right now, that was all Logan wanted. One person willing to sit with him and not say anything, merely think about…he couldn't even think her name…
Then he heard raised voices and looked up. Curt was standing in front of Namor, his finger pointed under the Avenging Son's nose.
"Why are you here?! You always made it clear you only tolerated her! So why are you here?!"
Storm rose, preparing to go defuse the situation but Logan put a warning hand on her arm. Right now, Curt needed this. It was his way of coping. He withdrew from everyone and then would suddenly lash out, like a wounded animal. Namor was looking outraged as Curt bristled.
"You hated her and she considered you a stuck-up toff who hadn't a clue about real life! So why are you here?!"
Logan let the slightest of smiles touch his lips. Tora and Namor had never seen eye to eye. Tora considered him a chauvinistic, misogynistic royal who was out of touch with modern politics and still preferred thumping people to diplomacy. Logan knew all about this from some of her rants –as well as knowing what Namor had tried to make Emma do when the Juggernaut had attacked San Francisco. Not to mention that Logan had a sneaking suspicion that Namor had once tried to proposition Tora and that was the reason he'd been walking around with a black eye and an odd gait suggesting someone had used what was now widely known as the Etana One-Two. Punch them in the face then knee them in the groin.
Curt and Namor were still squaring off and then Steve was between them, pulling them off each other.
"This is ridiculous! Would Tora have wanted either of you to behave like this?!"
Curt glared up at Namor.
"She wouldn't have wanted him here!"
Namor rose to his full height imperiously.
"How dare-"
"Oh, for pity's sake!"
They turned to see Wanda standing there, her face streaked with tears.
"You're fighting at her funeral! This is exactly what she always warned against! You're dishonouring her in the worst way possible right now! For pity's sake, stop!"
Curt went white. Namor just turned away. Logan relaxed his grip on Storm's arm. And the Blackbird turned around, leaving the body behind to continue its lonely journey downwards.
Phoenix glanced over at the masked woman.
"Okay. Can we see…?"
"Later."
Logan closed his eyes, crumpling the letter in his hands. Murdock had handed it to him during the reading of the will. Most of the stuff was still being sorted out. Steve had quietly refused the things left to him, turning away saying "I don't think I deserve that." Logan looked down at the letter once more.
My dear Logan.
If you're reading this, then I can only assume that I am dead. I sincerely hope that I died as a hero –saving lives. If not, I also wouldn't mind dying peacefully in bed or because I've been cheeky to Dr Doom whilst being tortured. But if all I fear has come to pass, and I allowed the dark within to take over, then I apologise.
I'm sorry you had to see me fall. I'm sorry you had to watch me lose everything I worked to keep safe. I'm sorry you had to do what you did. And I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
Since Kurt's death, I've not known what to do. I've been afraid of my own reflection. I've been trying to escape the pain that was devouring me. I know I should turn to you –I know I should ask you for help, because you would never deny it to me. But you know how stubborn I am –or was. I was determined to help myself and by the time I realised it was too late, I couldn't tell you how far I had fallen.
My capture and imprisonment by the Order of the Dragon shook me more than I liked to admit. I think that the reason I accepted their lies was in part because I was hoping against hope I could escape the fate I could see looming. And while I was there, I almost betrayed you in one of the worst possible ways. It was only some tiny, vestigial part of me that prevented me accepting the Voice's lies as fact. I know telling you after I am dead is cowardly and not how you would hope to hear this but I want to tell you this because I feel it is your right to know.
I still love you, despite the fact I have not been able to voice my feelings properly. The trial is wearing me down –I cannot cope with this. I wish for many things but I cannot shake the feeling that Steve is going to sabotage his own case. It's the sort of thing he does. But right now, I am so weary. I long to rest.
Please try and shield the children from the threats that will come because of my failures. And please remember that I shall always love you, no matter where I am.
Yours, forever;
Tora.
He crumpled the letter once more in his hand. Where was she then?"
"Now can we see where she is?"
"Okay, Madame Impatient."