Memories
Hidden Truths
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Tora –must remember she was Marie here– lay back on her bed and tried to relax. Three weeks here and already it was getting to her. James was so sweet and innocent, a far cry from gruff, ever-reliable Logan. Mr Howlett was kind and as attentive as he could be and Tora saw where Logan had learnt to be so gentle with the kids. She also saw where his temper had come from.
While Logan stated that he still considered John Howlett his father, Tora could see Thomas Logan in him every day. The temper that was always threatening to spill over. The anger at life which had dealt him harsh cards. But while Logan may have inherited his biological father's temper, he had learnt to control it whilst Thomas Logan never even tried, preferring to take it out on his other son. Tora pitied Dog, but only to a certain extent. She knew what Dog would later do to her husband but she couldn't lash out at the boy because of things that had not yet happened.
A soft knock on the door startled her out of her reverie.
"Yes?"
"Miss Douglas?"
James, peeking round the door.
"What's wrong, petit?"
"I can't sleep."
She got up and followed him to his room. The opulence was a far cry from the simple, clutter-free room he preferred now –would prefer- which she knew took a lot from Japanese culture. But James had not heard of Japan, or if he had, it had not registered in his mind. To him, Alberta was all there was in the world. That and Montreal. He had listened in amazement to the tales she told him of her home city, the guilt from lying –even in such a convoluted way- eating into her.
He bounced up on the bed and looked up at her plaintively.
"Can you read to me, Miss Douglas?"
She smiled slightly.
"What do you want me to read?"
He considered for a long time then smiled that innocent grin, which still tore into her because Jamie smiled like that, even if Logan's smile now was tinged with a world-weariness she hoped her son would never learn.
"Surprise me!"
She picked out Treasure Island, a book that appeared unread. She thought of how Eva loved that book, how Logan loved reading it to her, acting out the voices and hopping around, pretending to be Long John Silver to please his daughter. She regretted there was no Tolkien yet. Logan loved the Hobbit almost as much as Eva did and he was looking forward to reading Lord of the Rings to her when she was a bit older. He had already been planning a three movie marathon with her, as soon as she was old enough.
She read, trying to copy the tone and infliction Logan had used to enthral Eva in the tale of pirates, castaways and buried treasure.
"Part One –The Old Buccaneer-"
"What's a buccaneer?"
"A swashbuckler, an adventurer…"
She leant forward.
"A pirate!"
James' face lit up with glee.
"Go on! Go on!"
"Chapter One. The Old Sea-Dog at the Admiral Benbow. Squire Trelawney, Dr Livesy, and the rest of these gentlemen having asked me to write down the whole particulars about Treasure Island…"
She read until the end of chapter three and the Sea Captain's death. James' big blue eyes stared up at her, pleading for him to go on. She laughed softly.
"And I'll read more tomorrow night."
That seemed to placate him and she put the book away before tucking him in.
"I still can't sleep."
"Maybe this will help."
And blessing that Dragon had thought it prudent for this body to take singing lessons, so the muscle memory and tone awareness meant Tora could actually sing for the first time in her life, she began the song that Logan loved more than all others, although he'd never admit it.
"Blow the wind, blow;
Swift and low;
Blow the wind o'er the ocean.
Breakers rolling to the coastline;
Bringing ships to harbour;
Gulls against the morning sunlight;
Flying off to freedom!"
She sang softly, like Logan did as he rocked his son to sleep, letting love make up for what he lacked in ability. And as she quietly got up and left, she thought she heard him mutter, "I wuv you, Miss Douglas."
And somehow, that made her impossible situation seem just a little better.
"I forgot Logan's love of RL Stevenson, hidden as it was."
"Oh, he actually had quite a passion for classic fiction. Why do you think he preferred bedtime story duty?"
Rose stood in the hallway in stunned silence. The place was huge! And then a woman dressed in blue –with her red hair pulled back in what was obviously supposed to be a severe bun, but the effect was slightly counteracted by the fact strands of hair were slipping out everywhere– came running down the stairs. She flashed a brilliant smile.
"Ah, Mrs Hopkins. Have I missed Mister Kenneth by much? I have a letter I forgot to give him earlier."
"He's just gone, Miss Douglas."
"Thank you, Mrs Hopkins. And you must be Rose O'Hara. I'll introduce myself later, must dash."
And to Rose's amazement, horror and no little envy, the woman hitched up her skirts past her ankles and ran off down the drive, more and more hair spilling out behind her.
"Who is that, Mrs Hopkins?"
"Miss Douglas, Master James' governess. You steer clear of her, my girl. She has funny ideas."
"Mrs Hopkins…?"
"All for women having the right to vote and such like. It's unnatural. It'll be the French blood in her."
The tight line of the housekeeper's mouth told Rose that Miss Douglas was Not Approved Of. Yet she so wanted to meet this smiling woman who went out running after a dog trap with no hat on and her hair slipping down and her skirts pulled up over her ankles.
Later, as she was sitting nervously in the nursery, the door opened and Miss Douglas came in. The brilliant smile seemed to light up her whole face.
"I'm sorry about earlier, Rose, but Jim does worry if his letter is a day late. My name is Miss Douglas."
Rose stared up at Miss Douglas in wide-eyed amazement. To her surprise, Miss Douglas coloured.
"Jim's the man I'm to marry. He's started teaching in a school out East after his time in the Army finished."
"Oh."
Miss Douglas smiled slightly.
"Is something wrong, Rose?"
Rose mumbled something under her breath but Miss Douglas apparently had excellent hearing.
"It was the hat, wasn't it?"
Rose nodded slightly. To her amazement, Miss Douglas laughed, not at all ashamed of her earlier behaviour.
"Yes, I'm afraid I quite scandalised Mrs Hopkins! She doesn't approve of me at all."
"She… She said you wanted women to be able to vote…"
"Oh, that. Well, I'm afraid I rather upset her when we were having a conversation together. She was being very subservient to men and I felt I had to make the point that for most of history, men have ruled and look how many wars we've had. She took umbrage and we've been at odds ever since."
Rose's mouth was open. Miss Douglas smiled sadly and sat down next to her.
"You'll soon learn that our positions are lonely ones, Rose. As a governess in my case and a companion in yours, we are not servants. But you must always remember we are employees. We are not friends of the family and we are not on the same level as them. We are trapped in limbo between stations and you will soon learn what it feels like. Maybe it will be different for you. James will treat you as a friend, and maybe that will be all you need."
"Miss Douglas…?"
"Yes?"
"Forget I said anything. It would have been awfully intrusive…"
"Ask away, my girl. If the question is too personal, I simply shan't answer it."
"Are… Are you happy here?"
Miss Douglas' face slid through a multitude of emotions, so fast that Rose was unable to catch them all, and then her face was unreadable.
"Yes, I am happy here, but I miss my family horrifically."
Rose sniffed softly.
"I… I miss my parents…"
And Miss Douglas' arm was around her.
"I miss mine as well, Rose. I miss mine as well."
"Considering the tension between Tora and her mother, that tells how much she missed home."
"She did always get on with her father, though."
Tora's face was torn with worry as she swooped in to wrap James in a blanket and carry him up to the house, her whole body radiating worry. She felt Dog and Rose hurry beside her but all she could think about was the small body in her arms, so small and frail and as afraid of water as Logan was. He always got antsy near deep water, because this incident haunted him. Water was not to be trusted unless it was in a glass; that was his view.
And as she sent Rose to get Mrs Hopkins and Mr Howlett, she glanced over at Dog and said the words she thought she'd never have to speak.
"Thank you, Dog."
What followed was a rush of fires and fresh blankets and doctors. And when Mr Howlett Senior turned on Rose, Tora stepped in.
"I don't believe it should be Miss O'Hara you are attacking, Mr Howlett. It was I who should have kept a closer eye on the boys."
She listened through the rant, the accusations, the insistations that she was fired without references and Mr Howlett Junior lashing back, that Miss Douglas had done wonders for James' education and that this one incident was not representative of her ability. And Tora walked off when she was dismissed from the room, thinking that Logan had been right. His grandfather really had been an awful old buzzard.
"Ouch. And that, from Tora, who always did her best not to think the worst of people…"
A.N. Sorry for the delays. It's just this academic year will be a very busy one for me. I'm taking advanced courses in Physics, Chemistry and Maths; am on three committees and being a complete idiot, agreed to take part in a production of A Midsummer Night's Dream to perform in October, when I should be firstly revising for October exams and secondly, preparing for (hopeful) interviews in December.
Hope you can understand this. But updates will be few and far between as I try to keep up with everything. S-99