A/N Hey scooter. I don't know why I said that. Anyway I really want Christmas break to end so I can go back to dance class and get my pointe shoes back! That's all for this head note. Thank you and enjoy!
The following morning I wake feeling even more drained than yesterday. My sleep was plagued with nightmares of my now dead infant son. I kept thinking of all the things I could've done to potentially save him but when I bring it all down it's all Josh's fault. Him kicking me in the stomach led to the death of an innocent human being. I hate him. No matter what he says or does I will always hate him.
I look to my left and find Tobias fast asleep in the plastic chair next to my hospital bed. I almost hate him too. If hadn't left or if he had at least left a note it could've helped me get to the hospital sooner. There are endless 'what if's running through my mind so fast, that I don't notice Genesis and another pediatrician come in. I haven't seen Lilian since I went to go look at her and Grayson for the first time. I vaguely remember Genesis telling me that if Lilian can survive for twenty-four hours it will greatly improve her chance of surviving past infancy. Genesis approaches my bed with her normal smile.
"Good news Miss Prior, Lilian is exceeding our expectations and is doing wonderfully. Unfortunately she is going to have to remain on the ventilator until her lungs fully develop which will take a few more weeks. Until then, she'll be staying in the NICU while you will be able to go home in a few days." Genesis says.
"Thank you so much Genesis, for everything. It really means a lot." I tell her
"It's my pleasure Tris," Genesis gives me another smile before leaving the room. Tobias stirs awake a moment later and stretches his back while trying to rub the sleep from his eyes.
"How's Lilian?" is the first thing he says.
"She's fine," I say leaning back onto my bed.
"Oh thank God," he exhales. I scoff.
"Surprised you care, considering you didn't show up until almost thirty minutes after they were born." I spit. I don't really know why I said that, I suppose it was just sitting at the top of my mind.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Tobias retorts clearly a little offended.
"It means you obviously didn't care enough to be here when they were born so why would you care if they...she was okay?" once again words come flowing out of my mouth with no filter. Tobias gets up from the chair and stands in front of the bed."
"Tris, do you know what if feels like to have failed my son before even meeting him?" Tobias exclaims.
"You know, you wouldn't have failed him if you hadn't left me alone!" I scream. "This, is all your fault." that's not true. Why am I saying that? Tobias stares at me with a mix of rage and grief and anguish.
"This is all my fault, huh? I'm the one who thought it'd be a good idea to not tell Josh that you were pregnant with my children. That's my problem isn't it? I'm such a fuck up aren't I?" Tobias crosses his arms and glares at me with mixed emotions.
"I did nothing wrong, Tobias. At least I was present at the birth and death of my own son. Not running around God knows where doing God knows what," I quip, matching his glare. "You know what Tobias, just leave. I never want to see you again,"
"You can't do this. You can't break up with me again," Tobias responds.
"This is why I said we couldn't get back together. We don't work, and this is the perfect example." I fall back onto my bed, realizing that sometime during the fight I got into a straight up position. Tobias stares at me, waiting for me to say anything but nothing is forthcoming. Tobias shakes his head at me, then walks out of the room. The second the door shuts I feel the familiar feeling of tears.
Hours later I'm told by Genesis I'm allowed to see Lilian and I gratefully accept. I tell her I fine enough to not use the wheelchair but she won't let me. Eventually we both agree on letting me use a walker. I'm lead to a different room than before which has a few other children in the same state as my own. Somehow it makes me feels better. As I approach Lilian Fayla's incubator I can easily tell she looks infinitely better than she did the last time I saw her. Her skin has taken on a more normal looking shade.
"Hey Lilian," I smile, admiring my tiny daughter. "I love you baby girl. And your daddy-" I stop remember my past conversation with Tobias. "Hasn't met you yet, but he loves you. And your brother who he won't ever meet. But listen, no matter what happens to me or your father, we love you, okay? I know you can't understand me but feel like I need to tell you that." her little blue eyes flit around the room with her undeniable curiosity. I stay next to her for almost two hours and only leave when I'm told I need to get to sleep.
As I'm walking back to to my room I see a nurse in yellow scrubs come down the other end.
"Hello Genesis," the nurse says with a nod. "Is this Tris Prior?"
"That's me," I say, adjusting my grip on the walker, oddly nervous.
"You have a visitor. Would you like to see him?" the nurse asks. It's either Josh or Tobias. I don't really want to see either of them, but might as well get it over with. I nod. "Great. I'll tell him to meet you in your room." the nurse turns and Genesis takes me to my room. I sit down on the edge of my bed, loving the feeling of getting off my legs. My hands wring in my lap, anxious to find out who's come to see me. When he comes in, it's not who I expected. At all. Not in a million years.
"Caleb," I murmur. Ignoring the pain in my legs and stomach, I hop off the bed and launch myself into his arms.
"Beatrice," Caleb sighs putting his arms around me.
"What are you doing here?" I ask, pulling away and wiping my tears.
"Well I heard from Cara who heard from Mathew who heard from Christina what happened and I decided I needed to see you." Caleb tells me. "Now, considering there's a walker in the room, I don't think your supposed to be walking." he carefully takes me to my bed and sets be down, before he sits in the plastic chair.
"I'm really glad you came," I say truthfully. "I haven't been the best with people lately, so it's good to be with someone else for a change."
"So, how's that Tobias guy?" Caleb asks, relaxing into the chair. I pull my blanket up to me and sigh.
"Complicated," I answer.
"Complicated? I thought that you two we're madly in love or something." Caleb questions.
"Well we were 'madly in love or something' then we got into an argument about kids because back then I thought I couldn't. We broke up and started seeing other people for about four months then I got pregnant with Tobias's kid and I broke up with my boyfriend named Josh and I think he broke up with his girlfriend named Kabrina. Then today happened," I say, somehow summing most of it up.
"Woah. That sounds awful," he says with a nod.
"It is," I comply. "How've you been?" I ask, desperate to change the subject off me.
"Amazing," he conveys, perking up. "So I was working on-" he goes on and on talking about how he and a couple of other scientists are researching a way to detect illnesses earlier. He is the lead on the project and says if the research is successful, Cara can promote him to head physiology scientist. I smile along with his words, truly happy that the old Caleb is beginning show through. He even tells me that he's got a girlfriend named Eliza and he's thinking about proposing.
"That's really awesome Caleb. I'm so happy for you," I say. He smiles at me and we continue to talk for nearly two more hours. He stays until visiting hours are over and promises he'll come see me again later. Once he leaves a feeling of loneliness overwhelms me. Some parts of me I wish I hadn't said the things I did, but some parts feel relived I did. It's not his fault, none of this is. But now thinks it is because of me. Those thoughts race through my head until I fall asleep.
A/N Happy Sunday! So I got this eyeshadow pallet with like 106 eyeshadows and 3 blushes and 3 eyebrow fillers and a ton of highlighters and bronzers and when I opened it, 5 of the containers in that pallet are broken -_- Thanks a lot Forever 21. Now time for the QOTC! What's your favorite mall store? It's probably Forever 21 or Hot Topic for me. Wbu? Thanks for reading! Ily and DFTBA!