Sleeping Beetle
A Beetlejuice fan fiction by Lady Norbert
A/N: Here, have some cameos and fourth wall nudging. There's actually a point to this, believe it or not.
Chapter Ten: And Do Not Fail Me
Meanwhile, at the Fairy Godfather's castle...
"All right, so you've told me the basics. How bad is it, really?"
"I would venture to say he poses at least a great a threat as Erebos did." The Fairy Godfather considered his own words, studying the reflective surface of the brass standing mirror on his desk. "No, actually, more of one. We now know for certain that this Lord Vasile has already been the cause of a number of deaths, and he's got sufficient power to enable him to cross the Veil at will. If he does manage to successfully isolate our dear Avatars from one another, he could be potentially devastating, and in more ways than one."
"So what do you plan to do, now that you're all caught up on your Tumbling?"
"I'll have to confer with Prince Vince. Since his investing Lydia with the royal title somewhat impacts the situation, he'll consider himself to be directly involved now. Together we'll think of something."
"I wouldn't discount BJ and Lydia themselves either, you know. They're pretty crafty. More to the point, they're together at the moment - as long as they can stay that way, they'll be able to at least keep things from getting any worse."
"You're right, of course," he allowed. "Lydia may call him her idiot, and perhaps not without reason, but they're both fairly astute and they're at their best when they stand side by side. It just remains to be seen whether they can manage to stay together in spite of forces conspiring against them."
"Well, it's not as though it's the first time that's happened."
"It probably won't be the last, either; as I said to the prince on another occasion, consider who we're discussing. And this time we do manage to have something of an upper hand, at least. We know a portion of the enemy's plans before they're properly put into motion. What we lack is a way to warn the two of them."
"No; I suppose they can't very well access that Tumblr thing inside the castle. Hugo's been talking about creating an account so we can stay in the loop, but he's not much quicker with computers than he is with spells." Lady Delphine paused, and sighed. "At least this didn't happen until after you explained the prophecy to them."
"I'm not sure how much good that knowledge is doing them, to tell you the truth. The offspring business in particular seemed to catch them very much by surprise." He smiled. "You'd think they'd never even considered the possibility."
"Maybe they didn't. Just because you've effectively adopted them and you're angling for surrogate grandchildren doesn't mean it had ever crossed their minds." She chuckled.
"Someone's projecting, I think."
"We're not that different. In any case, do keep me informed of any new developments, won't you? Especially if there's something I can do on this side to help."
"As soon as I know anything, I'll be in touch," he promised.
"And you still owe me a rematch, you know."
"You won't be satisfied until you win, will you?"
"I'd have won at least twice by now if you weren't so insistent about the Free Parking thing."
"Rules are rules, my dear Delphine. It doesn't do to bend them; it gives the appearance of favoritism." He smirked a little. "One has to avoid such intimations, you know, regardless of affection."
"Psh. You're impossible." Her tone was fond.
"I prefer to think of myself as merely improbable, but that's rather beside the point. Once the Avatars are safely back on your side, I'll be at your disposal for the rematch."
"All right."
Ripple dissolve to Prince Vince's castle...
"Do you ever get the feeling," said the prince, thoughtfully, "that your actions aren't really much more than a plot device?"
"You sound like my brother," said Donny. "Sometimes Beetlejuice goes on about the plot like it's a sentient being."
Donny was sitting on the bed in the Beetleman farmhouse, communicating with the prince through Lydia's old mirror. On his end, Prince Vince had the full-length mirror which had once been in the Roadhouse; Lydia had relocated it to her rooms at the castle when Beetlejuice had given up tenancy of his old home. Now and then the prince paced back and forth as they spoke.
"Honestly, I'm not sure he's wrong with some of what he says about it," he admitted. "Every so often I have this strange impression that some of what we endure is a little too contrived. Have you heard from your brother since he left?"
"Just a short call from Lydia, to say that they'd landed safely in Romania and were preparing to board a train north. I wasn't sure whether I'd be hearing from them again any time soon." Donny looked troubled. "Are things really that bad?"
"No - not yet, at least. They could be, if what I read on Tumblr is any indication. I expect I'll be hearing from the Fairy Godfather soon; I daresay he'll have some ideas on the subject." He sighed. "I really do despise love triangles, you know. They're so absurdly overused in fiction! Most of my own Tumblr followers seem to think so too."
"Can you really call this a triangle?" Donny wondered.
"An open-sided triangle," the prince amended. "I looked it up on the internet. Triang Relations, type four - A wants B, who is in a committed relationship with C."
"Type four? How many types are there?"
"More than a dozen. There was even a flow chart."
"Was this on Tumblr?"
"Oh, no, my friend. There's a website which is much more soul-devouring than Tumblr, where all manner of storytelling devices are explored and explained." He shook his head. "You must never go there."
Donny shook his head too. "Well, I don't claim to understand what you're talking about, but I suppose it doesn't matter. The important thing is that Beetlejuice and Lydia are in danger again, and we've got to help them. But how?"
"That indeed is the question. I suppose I could venture to make an official visit to the castle myself; Beetlejuice gave a clever explanation for why I would send Lydia in my stead, sufficient to smooth their host's ruffled feathers. But the truth is that I had no idea this individual even existed, much less that he was..." He shuddered. "He has to be stopped, I cannot deny that."
"What's been done? Is there anything I can do? I feel so trapped here!"
Vince pondered the matter. "If you can do some research on vampires, and the strigoi mort in particular, it may help us," he mused. "I don't know whether Lydia has any books on the subject herself, but you could likely borrow Doomie and pay a visit to the library. The internet has a vast deal of information, but it also tends to contradict itself sometimes. And that's without even delving into the comments sections. In any case, it would give you something to do that would be of use."
"I'll head out in the morning after breakfast," Donny promised.
"I understand that you feel a bit useless. I'm sure I could pull you back to this side, and if I couldn't I know the Godfather could. But it might be best for you to stay where you are. One brother in danger is bad enough; we can't risk Vasile threatening the both of you."
"You're too kind. But I know my brother, Vince. He's almost certainly not aware that he's in any particular danger - Vasile is going to have to do something overt toward Lydia before Beetlejuice picks up on it."
"That's honestly what worries me," the prince admitted. "By the time Vasile does that, it may be too late for anyone to intervene. He's proceeding with caution, I suspect, and there's no way to know what that warlock plans to do to assist him."
"Couldn't you have the warlock arrested?"
"On what grounds? That I read a work of supposed fiction which indicates that he plans to assist a vampire in an unspecified manner? The laws of the Neitherworld aren't so easily bent, even by me."
"I guess you're right. Innocent until proven guilty is the way it's meant to be." Donny sighed. "Let's think about this. There must be something we can do in the here and now."
"Hm." Vince put a hand to his chin, thinking. "Well, what I really need is a more direct means of monitoring the situation."
"Monitoring... Vince, old chum, that gives me an idea."
One more ripple dissolve...
Meanwhile, at the Neitherworld Network Studios, Mr. Monitor - apparently having learned a few things from Prince Vince during his appearance in a previous story - was reading Tumblr.
"Ahahahaha!" He rubbed his hands together gleefully. "So! At it again, are you, Beetlejuice? You'll help me make ratings history a second time! Or is it a third? Oh, who cares, this is gold!"
He swiveled his chair around and started snapping his fingers at the assorted technicians in the room. "You - I want a camera crew following that owl. He's brown, he's cranky, he shouldn't be too hard to find. And somebody figure out a way to get recording equipment into the castle, I don't want to miss a minute of the action. This is gonna be big! I smell a blockbuster for the evening lineup!"
"What exactly is going on, sir?" asked a nearby assistant.
"I'll circulate a memo explaining the details. All you really need to know for starters is that Beetlejuice is camping out in a vampire's castle and there's shenanigans developing. The vampire's got designs on what's her name! Who knows where this could lead!"
"Er... don't you think someone ought to warn them, sir?" asked another production assistant, warily.
"Warn them? Are you crazy!?" Monitor stared at the assistant as though personally affronted by the suggestion. "Who are you? You're fired! Get back to the mailroom!"
He turned back to the computer to start making notes. Before he could so much as order someone to refill his cup of coffee, however, the nearby telephone started to ring.
"Neitherworld Network, Monitor speaking. Oh... hello, Your Highness. Uh. Tumblr? No, no, I haven't seen it," he mumbled, crossing his fingers as he spoke. "Uh-huh... uh-huh... really? You don't say?" He tugged at his collar, letting off a small cloud of steam. "Of course. Of course! Always happy to be of service, Your Highness! Ahahaha!" He hung up the phone, scowling.
"The Prince doesn't want this televised?" guessed a different assistant.
"Of course he does!" Mr. Monitor snapped. "It's his best chance to keep an eye on those two. He just doesn't want me cutting deals with this Romanian character, or any of the other usual suspects like the last time. He's such a wet blanket sometimes, honestly."
"Not exactly the patriotic sort, are you, boss?" muttered the recently demoted employee, who was packing up his desk.