Hogan vs. Quark
by 80sarcades
Welcome back! Quark has only two lusts in life...namely, money and women...and not necessarily in that order. Would you like to guess which one General Hogan will use?
If Quark was annoyed about being kept waiting it didn't show. Instead, he greeted his American hosts with a friendly smile that would do credit to the best of fishing lures.
General Hogan, professional to the uniform, merely nodded impassively as he took his seat and faced the Ferengi merchant. Idly, he pictured the alien flying backward from a one-two punch before he returned to business.
"I trust your time away was…profitable?" Quark asked, still in his seemingly pleasant mood.
"You might say that," Robert nebulously replied, the discovery of the electronic book still at the forefront of his mind. "You know, I never expected to be negotiating with aliens," he casually commented. "I guess it's like meeting a beautiful woman for the first time."
The alien, curious, cocked his head. "How so?"
"Think about it," he continued. "The first time, you know nothing about her. Just that she's beautiful. If you're lucky, you'll have a guide that will explain everything. Given time…"
He let the sentence trail off. As expected, lecherous grins covered the faces of all three Ferengi. It was enough to make Hogan shudder in disgust though he was careful to maintain an outward calm.
I've known some skirt chasers in my time. If not worse. But these guys...
How do women put up with this?
It was a disquieting thought.
"I understand completely," Quark smoothly replied, the true meaning of the General's statement sliding over his head. "Negotiations, in a sense, are like females: they can be unruly and temperamental even at the best of times. On the other hand, consummating the perfect deal can be quite…satisfying…on so many different levels." He leaned back and smiled toothily once more. "One of my most difficult negotiations was with the Vulcans," he went on. "Their deal required extraordinary patience ..."
…and Hogan closes in to deliver a brilliantly timed cross to Quark's jaw! The Ferengi tries to evade but can't stop the famed Hogan Hammers (tm) as they crash into what's left of his puny body while the Galloping General goes in for the kill! Oh, the humanity!
Now they're being separated...Quark looks unsteady, but he's up...and it looks like the referee is being distracted by a redhead in the front row! And Hogan's noticed! He's moved in to deliver several highly illegal and wholly satisfying blows to the alien's midsection! The crowd is on its feet, waiting for the knockout punch...
...and here it comes...
BAM! A straight punch and Quark is down for the count! The referee's got the redhead's phone number and he's back to make it all official...
...and the Galloping General wins by knockout in the second round! This inner boxing monologue is brought to you by Eat At Joe's, America's premier dining destination...
Hogan shook off the pleasant radio daydream as Quark wrapped up his self serving explanation. The gleam in the Ferengi's eyes dimmed somewhat when he saw the almost feral grin on the General's lips.
Forty-five minutes later...
"No," Quark said flatly in exasperation.
"Comes with a scepter, too," General Hogan pointed out. "I really doubt the King would miss it."
"What would I do with one of those? Or the rest of the Crown Jewels?" the Ferengi sneered. "If I wanted diamonds I would replicate them. Anything else?"
"How about the Yankees?" The American asked. "Nothing like having your own baseball team."
The alien's scrowl only deepened. "Would I have to pay them?"
"Yes."
"Pass," the Ferengi spat. "Try again."
"We also have the Rockettes," the General casually threw out. "They're something to see on stage."
"No more sports teams!" Quark emphatically declared. Nog, seizing the moment, leaned over and whispered into his Uncle's ear. The look on irritation on the older Ferengi's face was replaced by sudden interest.
"We might accept these Rockettes as partial payment," he allowed graciously. "Provided that you're willing to transfer the ownership of the current female lineup to the Ferengi Alliance."
"No deal," Hogan said immediately.
Quark threw up his hands before sagging in his seat. "Honestly, I've never understood you humans!" he complained. "They're just females! It's not like they would amount to anything important anyway!"
"Maybe it's because I remember the phrase "To Each Their Own," Hogan countered, thinking of some of the resistance women he had worked with during the war.
They were pretty damned smart. Not to mention brave. The Gestapo wouldn't have played favorites, either. Some of the Krauts would have used any and all means if they thought they had a chance to bring the resistance down.
In my book, if you knew that fact and you still jumped into the fire...well, you had guts. Which leads to another question: if we have women like that now...then I wonder what the ones in the future are like?
Kinch was right. I am fighting for a future I'll never see. But no con man is going to change it.
Not on my watch.
"And just what does that mean?" Quark queried, confused.
"Everyone has a opinion," the human observed quietly. "It just takes time to realize what it can become."
"Perhaps he has a point, brother," Rom piped in. "Grand Nagus Gruik said it best: The currents of profit flow truly to the sighted blind."
His older sibling turned and gaped at him. After a moment, he found his voice.
"I'm impressed!" he said, his tone sincere, shocked and surprised at the same time. "You actually read the book!"
"Grand Masters, Grand Naguses: The Collected Wisdom Of Profit," Rom said happily, pleased to receive a compliment for once.
"Then you'll also remember," Quark said, his voice suddenly turning hard, "that Gruik was removed from being Grand Nagus for going insane. He was actually giving his money to the poor instead of charging them to be in his presence!"
"Oh...uh..." Rom stuttered, his face turning a deeper shade of orange. "I forgot that part."
"But the point is valid!" Nog broke in, clearly annoyed at seeing his father being cut down by Quark again. "Grand Nagus Gruik may have been insane, but his words are-"
"-irrelevant, as far as I'm concerned," Quark snapped, shutting his younger nephew up before he turned to the American General. "My apologies," he said formally before he stared each of his blood relatives down with a quick glare of death. "So," he brightened visibly, "I'm sure you have more items of value to offer?"
Hogan almost had the impression the Ferengi, by that very statement, was laughing at him. He mentally smiled.
Joke's on you, pal.
"A private island in the Pacific," The General tossed out. "Complete with your own luxury resort. Not to mention all the booze and white beaches you can handle."
Oddly, it was easy for the American to picture the alien, clad in a white suit, standing on a beach greeting guests. It's a nice setup if they go for it, he mused, even though he knew they wouldn't. Quark can play the host, Rom could run the bar - he doesn't look like a drinker, anyway - and the kid can do the grunt work. He resisted a smile as the unbidden image of Nog pointing at the sky and yelling 'The plane! The plane!' played in his mind.
Well, it was worth a shot!
The newcomer leaned forward, intrigued. "Interesting," he nodded. "I assume that this resort will be stocked with the females of our choice?"
"Only if they stay voluntarily," the human immediately replied, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. The negotiator shook his head, rejecting the offer.
"Pity," the Ferengi observed candidly, if not hopefully. "If you were to guarantee their permanent employment I'm sure we could arrange something." The counteroffer was met with a stony silence that filled the room
Maybe I should have thrown in the hula girls, the General inwardly joked more to relieve his depressed mood than anything else. Grimly, he silently acknowledged that his final options - not that he really had any to begin with - had finally dwindled to just one.
Robert quietly sighed before he locked eyes with the deceptive alien. His jaw unconsciously tightened slightly as he considered what he was about to say.
"What about information?" he finally offered, his voice low and deep.
Quark cocked his head curiously. "What kind of information?" he asked, his interest piqued. He didn't claim – and never sought to be - an expert on human behavior. However, there was something behind the native's tone that indicated a certain amount of reluctance. That was enough to catch his attention.
"Forgive me for saying so," he said carefully, the rules of navigating the treacherous river of profit at the forefront of his mind, "but given your…shall we say, your technological level…I doubt any information you have would be that…interesting."
"Then I guess you'll pass on the opportunity?" Hogan calmly retorted, keeping his gaze level even as he leaned back in his chair. Quark inwardly smiled, pleased that his hunch was right after all.
Maybe I was wrong about this human after all, he thought.
He then momentarily grimaced as a grinning image of Captain Benjamin Sisko passed through his mind's eye. There is a lesson in that, he reminded himself. Not all hu-mons are dumb.
"I'd be willing to hear whatever you have to say," he said reasonably, if not politely. The General stared him down for a brief moment before he nodded slightly. With a smooth movement the human stood up and walked to the door. It wasn't immediately evident what he said to the guard but the result, in the now-familiar form of the nurse, was most...gratifying, if not stimulating.
Rom and Nog, not unsurprisingly, immediately forgot where their brains were.
Quark unconsciously licked his lips in anticipation as his leering eyes roamed over the alluringly covered form.
Very interesting, indeed! At that moment he kicked himself and returned to reality.
Obviously, the human was trying to distract them with the female somehow. And, judging by his idiot relatives, it was working.
But not on me!
Strangely, the wave of anger dissipated quickly before being replaced by admiration. Yes, I was wrong, he allowed, surprising himself. Hogan may be human but he hasn't been corrupted by Federation morality. This is the age of Wall Street, he suddenly remembered, an almost reverential awe washing over him as he recalled the pinnacle of human capitalism.
General Hogan is a worthy adversary, he allowed. If it weren't for his silly ideas that females mattered in anything he would be almost...
...Ferengi.
Oh, how far the Federation has fallen!
"What did you have in mind?" Quark calmly asked, keeping his voice firm and expression neutral. The human General merely flashed a small smile in return and looked at the new arrival.
"I need you to do me a favor," he asked, an odd tinge to his voice. "Ask me a question."
Lieutenant Faith Garland cocked her head in puzzlement but complied. "What would you like me to ask, General?" she inquired politely. Robert, for his part, couldn't look her in the eye.
May God forgive me.
"I need you to ask me the ultimate meaning to life, the universe and everything." The statement caused the three Ferengi to look at each other in utter confusion. Unknowingly, each had the same thought at the same moment:
Has the human lost his mind?
A similar opinion, judging by the nurse's expression, also ricocheted in the eyes of the sole female in the room.
"Just do it, Lieutenant," the General softly ordered. The nurse shrugged and obeyed.
"Okay," she said uncertainly. "What is the ultimate meaning to life, the universe and everything?" In response, Hogan leaned over and breathed an answer that none of the aliens could hear into the female's ear.
Instantly, as if thrown by a switch, the woman's demeanor instantly changed. A wild, lustful look suddenly inflamed Nurse Garland's eyes moments before she lunged forward and jolted the General into the nearby wall. The force of the impact of uniform against uniform had barely registered in the senior officer's mind before the woman's red lips met his in a frenzied passionate kiss. Slender hands, possessive and demanding, roamed firmly across his body -
- and then, the officer broke away to whisper in her ear once more.
With that command the nurse returned to her normal self. Quark, his stunned eyes fixed on the scene before him, quickly noticed that the female seemed confused. As if...
"What was the question, sir?" she asked in puzzlement, her brain clearly trying to figure out how she appeared on the other side of the room.
...she had no memory of what just happened!
"Never mind, lieutenant," General Hogan said formally. "You're dismissed."
The woman hesitated, then nodded before she slowly left the room. The grin Robert threw at the three astonished Ferengi failed to reach his cold brown eyes.
"So, what will that get me?" he deadpanned cheerfully.
Quark's jaw merely flopped up and down in reply.
A/N: Although not well known (and a deliberately buried family secret, at that) Quark has his mother's lobes for business. (We won't even mention that she's better at collecting latinum either, though it's against the law for her do to so...at the present time). Then again, the Ferengi is no dummy in recognizing what Hogan is able to do.
The bigger (and more horrifying) question is: will he be able to figure it out? The smart money, as usual, is on Hogan.