Quark vs. Hogan
by 80sarcades

For years afterward, those members who were there at Roswell on that hot July day in 1947 talked in hushed, almost reverential tones, of the Major General that stood alone in the path of tanks driven by crazy Army WACs. The stories, embellished beyond belief, claimed that the God-on-Earth had powers to command women to do his bidding...and beyond.

Witnesses, watching through binoculars from a distance, claimed that the Godlike General forced the tanks to stop with the power of his mind alone before he banished the nutso broads back to wherever they came from. Some wags even suggested, half in jest, that he formed his own harem afterwards.

He was, they all agreed, the definition of a real man.

The real truth – and one that Hogan would readily admit – was that he had ordered the other male personnel to stand off at a safe distance. He didn't want to take the chance that anyone else would hear the antidote and put two and two together for their own evil ends. Except for a jeep he was alone.

Irony, he supposed. I've been shot at plenty of times. My B-17 was shot down by the Krauts. It's a wonder that I wasn't just shot by the Gestapo with all the crazy missions we had!

I survived and came home. And now...

A cloud of yellow dust, visible in the distance, grew larger as a low rumble permeated the atomsphere. A song, the words unintelligible, cut through the dry desert air to his waiting ears.

Here lies Robert Hogan, he sourly thought. Lover. Fighter.

Tank pancake.

The main tube of a M4 pointed menacingly in his direction as the rumbling grew into a loud throaty roar. The words, clearer now, came into sharp focus:

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord...

Hogan grimaced, then released a deep breath.

Our Father, who art in heaven…

As the lead tank approached he raised his hand.

The lumbering metal beast, going flat out, suddenly shuddered and skidded to a stop inches from his outstretched digits. At that moment the earsplitting sound of the music ceased as the roar of the engine came to a halt. The driver's hatch, as if on cue, popped open and a helmeted woman in coveralls, her eyes locked on the target, clambered out of the hatch and scrambled for her prize. The tank commander, who would have been first if her clothes had not snagged on an unseen object, finally tore herself free and was only a second or two behind her crewmate.

Fat chance, ladies.

General Hogan, his face a mask of stony calm, raised the megaphone to his lips.

Moments later a company of befuddled women looked around and tried to piece together how they had teleported from the airfield to the middle of the desert. The senior female officer, quicker than most, narrowed her eyes as the general officer 'disarmed' her charges and it wasn't long before the other women picked up on her suspicions. The pointed, if not angry, stares of the fairer sex as they zeroed in on the solitary male target reminded General Hogan of a pack of hungry dogs about to fight over a steak.

And if the relief column hadn't shown up when it did, he thought gratefully, they probably would have burned me at the stake!

The nurses, despite intense grumbling, were returned to Fort Palmer. It took General Hogan far longer to straighten out the mess with the tanks.

Paperwork, the General groused. That's what I get for accepting that first star!

Fortunately there was only one more piece of paper that remained. A week later a secret agreement between the Ferengi Alliance and the United States of America was signed. The terms were simple: the Ferengi would deliver on their promise of weapons and technology. In exchange, Hogan would give up his secret upon delivery.

As part of the treaty - and much to Hogan's intense embarrassment - Quark insisted on executing a separate agreement transferring one Ferengi female named Ishka into his custody. Hogan accepted the document with barely hidden distaste before he tucked it into his jacket.

I'm never going to live this down…

Quark let a genuine smile of victory spread across his face as the humans celebrated their 'victory' with a small party and the requisite alcohol. It was all he could do to keep from laughing as the hosts raised a toast to their alien guests.

If you idiots only knew!, he silently chortled, lifting his own drink. The aged scotch that burned his throat was surprisingly smooth.

He was even more relieved that the ship - now repaired by Rom with Nog's help - was still able to fly. The only really regrettable part was that Hogan would never know how his guest had gotten the better of him. Oddly, a small shard of shame pricked at his soul as he looked at the Air Force General. Human or not, the man made a formidable adversary. For that alone he deserved respect.

He was just glad there weren't any more cast in the same mold. Beyond Sisko, anyway.

The humans, obliging fools they were, also informed him of the precise date and time of an upcoming nuclear test. Somehow Quark managed to keep his lunch down as his hosts calmly imparted the American gesture of good faith.

They're insane!

Rom's face, oddly, had a different reaction...but only because he realized how valuable the information was. The technical explanation of how the atomic blast, reacting to the kemacite in their cargo hold, would send the ship back to the future flew over his merchant's head.

I don't know what's worse, he thought miserably as he settled into the captain's chair. We could be blown up. Even worse, we could be stuck on this stupid rock!

On the other hand, if Rom was correct - and, though it pained him to admit it, his sibling was occasionally right sometimes - the atomic blast would propel them to a future of unlimited profits. The glittering waterfall of gold in his mind brightened his mood moments before a tidal wave of reality washed the happy feeling away.

That is, if my idiot brother is correct!

"Get us out of here!" he snarled. The humans on the viewscreen, some still cheerfully waving, disappeared from sight as the thrum of antigravity drives pushed the ship out of the hangar. Once clear, the golden-colored Ferengi craft climbed towards the blue sky.

A sense of profound awe stunned General Hogan into silence as he watched the strange ship float out of the hangar before zooming quickly away. Unlike propeller aircraft - or the newer jets - the alien version made almost no sound beyond a low hum as it disappeared from sight. He shook his head in amazement.

Not something you see everyday.

The emotions on the faces of the other officers mirrored his reaction. The only real difference was the small smile that graced his handsome features even as his eyes scanned the now-empty sky.

"I guess that's the last time we'll see them," Captain Kinchloe's hopeful voice rumbled quietly. His superior merely nodded.

"One can hope," Hogan breathed, glancing upward once more before breaking away to walk to the waiting staff car. He cut a sly look in the Captain's direction. "Next time I want more excitement in my life," he deadpanned, halfway serious, "don't forget to shoot me."

"I don't think you'll have to worry about that," Kinch offered, keeping a straight face. "Knowing you, it'll find you anyway."

His friend shot him an ugly look. "Gee, thanks," he groused, though he didn't mean it. "Really cheers me up."

The former radioman was unrepentant. "What are friends for?" The perfect set of grinning pearly whites, framed against the man's black skin, caused Hogan to burst out laughing.

And God, after all this I needed that!

He was still chuckling to himself as he ducked his head to climb into the staff car. Suddenly, a jeep roared up and skidded to a halt. The enlisted messenger paused momentarily before he handed a clipboard to Captain Kinchloe.

"Message for General Hogan, sir," he said crisply.

Kinch signed the message receipt and received a thick envelope in return. His mind barely registered the jeep's departure as he studied the ivory container. The sharp black typewritten letters that made up Hogan's name were the only items marking the otherwise pristine - and decidedly expensive feeling, Kinch judged - surface. A set of embossed letters - D, S and H - were intertwined where the return address would have normally been.

"Anything important?" General Hogan asked as he tried to relax. Unfortunately his body, already anticipating the long plane ride back to the Pentagon, groaned in protest.

His friend raised an eyebrow. "I don't know," he truthfully admitted, a sudden feeling of foreboding curling in his gut. The senior officer, now curious, took the proffered envelope and merely gave the ivory exterior a cursory glance before he ripped the top flap apart with his fingers.

Another groan, this one audible, filled the car as he scanned the blue-lined contents.

"Something wrong?"

After a pause, Hogan handed the bundle of papers to his aide. Kinch's eyes widened as he read the words.

"You're being sued for..." He looked at the odd term again. "...sexual harassment?" The aide's dark features frowned. "What's a class action lawsuit?" he asked.

"I'm definitely going to hell," General Hogan moaned just audibly enough to be heard.

Kinch didn't reply.

Ten hours later

Two minutes to A-bomb time

If anything, Quark's impatience to return to the future only increased exponentially during the time they waited in orbit for the nuclear bomb test. Despite being rattled, Rom expertly maneuvered the ship to the nuclear testing range with just minutes to spare. Their shields easily defeated the primitive human radar while they waited for their ride home.

"How long till that thing goes off?" Quark spat yet again. Unthinkingly, he used a sharp fingernail to drive another pockmark into one of the arms of his long-suffering captain's chair.

"Two minutes," Rom nervously called out. "The kemacite's ready and I've dropped..." His voice suddenly trailed off. Not that the older brother, ready with his own retort, noticed

"If I cared for an explanation I would have asked for it!" the alien captain snapped. Just then a heavy hand landed squarely on Quark's shoulder. His heart went to warp nine as he belatedly realized the hauntingly familiar grip.

It can't be...

"The only thing you should care about is a holding cell, Quark," Odo's infuriatingly smug nasal voice drawled. "And that's in your future." The Chief of Security for Deep Space Nine leaned over to look into the eyes of his newly acquired - and now frightened - prisoner. "Smuggling Kemacite is a Level Three offense."

"What kemacite?" Quark said, feigning a look of practiced innocence.

"The kemacite in our hold," Rom blurted. "Brother-"

"Oh, SHUT UP!" the Ferengi captain roared, angry with everyone and everything.

"-hang on!" Rom finished.

Quark grabbed onto the sides of his chair while everyone else braced for impact. Just then a bright white light filled the bridge moments before a tremendous shockwave slammed into the rear of the ship. A high-pitched wordless scream tore itself from his throat even as his vision faded to black...

...and slowly returned as the very air seemed to vibrate around him before falling still.

For a moment Quark dumbly stared at the black viewscreen before the dark glass flickered to life again.

Is that Earth? He stared at the blue-green world that hung beneath the ship. It must be.

But which Earth is it?

"I'm getting a subspace signal!" Rom cried out, his voice shattering the remaining fog in Quark's brain. Suddenly, a new sound pulsed into life around them.

"-to unidentified ship, this is Earth Orbital Control," a calm male voice announced. "Do you require assistance?" The message repeated itself once more as the Ferengi's shoulders sagged in relief.

I never thought I'd be happy to see the Federation!

Another bolt - this one far more pleasant - pushed the grateful thought aside.

Forget the moon, Quark decided dreamily. I'll buy a planet. I'll be richer than any Ferengi alive!

And at the center of it all I'll be surrounded by women...

A/N: Sometimes, dreams can turn into nightmares...

DSC - Dewey, Screwem and Howe - and variations thereof were a running gag on The Three Stooges and other comedy shorts.

In the original episode Odo, along with two humans, helped the Ferengi trio to escape. I deliberately left him out until now but he still has his own part to play...