Lisbon watched him sleep for a long time. She was thinking about all those nights he had to spend alone. In that crappy motel. He never told her what he was going through. It made her sad. They were partners, right? Friends. And friends help each other in the time of need. The truth was he seemed fine during work. She only got a glimpse of what he was feeling and only when he was sure she can´t see it. She had no idea it was like this. She cursed herself for not realizing it sooner. How long he wanted to play this act?

And what if he decided to leave? She was half sure that after killing Red John he would disappear. Every night she prepared herself that tomorrow might be the day, and he wont come to work. Leaving her alone. Without a word. She shivered a the thought.

But he stayed. And now is lying in her bed, and she has no idea what to do next. They sure need to talk. She did not sleep at all. She just waited for him to wake up and talk to her.

It was still dark when he opened his eyes, having felt like somebody is watching him. And somebody was watching. Lisbon had her head popped on one hand and was looking at him with those emerald eyes, looking slightly pissed.

What happened? Did he said something during sleep?

„Am I in trouble?" he asked.

„No, but we need to talk, Jane."

Oh, talk. He wasn´t sure he is ready for that.

„About what?"

She frowned at him. No more beating around the bushes.

„Why didn´t you tell me?"

He sat up a little, puzzling look on his face. Didn´t tell her what?

Oh, yes, told her about him. This is going to be a fun talk, indeed. He braced himself.

„I wanted you to be happy, I guess I was trying not to hurt you."

She shook her head a little, still frowning.

„How many times do I need to tell you to stop protecting me? I can do that myself...I Thought we are friends, Jane."

Friends. Yes, they are friends and that was the main reason he did not said a word to her. She was so happy when it all ended. They all were, the whole CBI was blooming with pride, happiness all around him. Who is he to spoil that?

„I will always try to protect you, and you should know that because that is not going to change."

Now he made her really mad. He could see that.

„Then stop doing it in this stupid way of yours."

It might be a stupid way, but a one that worked the best for him.

„I can´t. I am sorry." he said.

„No, you are not. You are so sure about your truth that you don´t even consider you might be wrong, well you know what? You are wrong, right now, wrong as much as you can be."

He was wrong before. As much as he can be. He sighed.

„Okay Lisbon, what do you want to know?"

She was a little shocked, that he gave up that easily, without any mind games he used to play with her until she left him alone. He got no power for that right now.

„How are you? The truth."

How are you, such and easy and overused question. For normal people it is a conversation starter, for him the exact opposite. It is not easy to talk about your feelings when you tried years not to do that.

How is he? Tired. Not just physically. Mentally, too. Tired of the act he played, of the denial he´s in. Tired of the hunt that ended, tired of the blame he feels night and day.

And scared. Scared that it will stay this way. That no matter what he had done, nothing will change.

That he will be never able to move on.

„Are you sure you want to know?"

He studied her face for any trace of fear or uncertainty but the only thing he found was determination. She wanted to know and she is ready for anything he might say.

„Yes, of course Jane, just spill it."

He chuckled. Only if it was so easy.

„Okay, here goes."

He closed his eyes as he tried to manage thoughts in his head and then transform them into words. It was harder then it seems. With his eyes closed, he started talking.

„I guess I am tired. I used to think that killing him, revenging them, will change something." He breathed in and out trying to calm himself down. He didn´t opened his eyes, prohibiting himself from cold reading Lisbon.

She reached for his hand.

„So far, I am still blaming myself and it will never go away. I am used to it and I deserve it. I learned to live with that."

Lisbon squeezed his hand as to give him courage to go on.

„But I am scared, that this is it. After all I´ve done, we done in fact, this is the final for me. That I am going to stay this way for the rest of my life. Scared, tired, unsure, playing my act until I give up and leave...because it will be easier that way for everyone."

Lisbon was scared of that too.

„I don´t want you to leave." she said, quietly.

He opened his eyes and looked at her. The sun was rising up, inch by inch, the darkness in the room was slowly transforming into light.

Lisbon´s eyes were misty and she tried so much not to cry.

He smiled at her but the smile didn´t reach his eyes.

„I don´t want to leave, too...I am just scared that at some point, I would have to."

She let go of his hand and and grabbed his cheeks, looking right at him.

„You don´t have to play any act for me, you understand? If you are sad, be sad. Maybe you need to be sad. Maybe you need to cry, or whatever and I am here for you. Anytime, okay? Just...don´t pretend that everything is alright when it´s not."

They were looking at each other with intensity for a while, then, Jane nodded, slowly.

„Okay, I´ll try. But it might require some time."

„I have time." she answered.

He smiled again and this time, the smile reached his eyes. Lisbon tried to smile too, but it was rather a suppressed yawn. He bet she didn´t sleep at all.

„You didn´t sleep, did you?" He asked.

„Not much." she said yawning again.

„Then go to sleep, it is still too soon."

He could see she wasn´t sure about that, probably scared that when she wake up he won´t be there.

„Don´t worry Lisbon, I am not going anywhere."

She sniffled a little trying to suppress sobs that were threatening to start.

„You better not, I want pancakes for breakfast."

He had to laugh at that.

„Then you will have the best pancakes you ever tasted, my dear friend."

They both lied down again. Lisbon was out in just minute, snuggled close to him. He didn´t fall asleep again, but it doesn´t matter. He felt better. Thanks to her, again.

Maybe he did not deserved another chance. But Lisbon sure did.

And when she wakes up, he will make her the best pancakes in the world for sure. With the best coffee.

He closed his eyes and enjoyed this morning which turned out to be better then expected.

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This chapter is a little shorter, and fluffy. I was feeling fluffy :D I don´t know if I stayed in character but from my own experiences of going through hard times I can say that I was not myselt in that time. Maybe even Jane with his mental powers might be a little off his game, not really himself. That´s how I imagine it, and I hope you like it. Thanks to everyone who enjoys this story :)