Jane was right, drinking a bit of coffee helped her a little. The headache persisted but it was at least bearable. They spent the day doing mostly nothing, due to her inability to do well, anything. It was almost evening when she started to feel better and Jane made her eat toasts with honey with some apple juice. That helped too. He was so nice to her the whole time, not mentioning his struggles with her during the night. She was grateful for that. The last thing she wanted to hear was how he had to clean up the mess she made. She felt ashamed. A lot. It was a long time since she had hangover like this.
They went for a walk. Weather outside was calming. They walked for a long time, talking about nothing in particular although they had a lot to talk about. Both of them seemed to avoid anything that would refer to the night before.
Jane spied a bench and they sat down. Silence crept around them as the day turned into night.
„ We need to talk." he said.
Lisbon visibly tensed.
"Okay," was her only response. She wasn´t sure she wanted to talk. He looked at her but she didn´t returned the favor. She was looking at the stars. There were just a few of them.
„ Would you rather leave it for other time?" he could see she would definitely like that.
"Uh, no, I mean, maybe, but...okay, let´s talk." She finally looked at him worried what his face would look like. But he looked calm, he was even smiling a little. He tried to think how to put his feelings into words, which was still a hard task.
"Okay. As I said before I am sorry I left you."
"Jane, you don´t have to be sorry."
He smiled at her again.
"Lisbon, you are a terrible actress and even worse liar. I can see you are hurt. No point in lying to me, you know that, right?"
She wasn´t hurt, okay maybe a little, but it was rather fear then hurt.
"Okay," she said.
"So that´s settled then."
She was shivering, maybe it was because of the weather turning colder, maybe it was something else entirely, but he put down his jacket and gave it to her. She took it and put it on. It smelled like him.
"Thanks," she said.
"Pleasure." He made a pause and then started talking. She listened.
"I never told you about the time in mental hospital."
"You don´t have to," she said. She wasn´t sure whether she wants to hear it.
"I want to," he said with a determined look on his face.
She just nodded.
„ I still feel ashamed of it. When I found out what happened to Angie and Charlotte it was the worst time in my life. I don´t know how I kept myself together to arrange the funeral. Somehow I did. But I was alone. I didn´t have any close friends, the only one I had were being buried and I felt like my life is being buried with them. I had nobody. My father was out of the question, and the only other family I had left was Danny...you can imagine he wasn´t there for me and I don´t blame him. I never did. I am not sure if I would even let him to be there...most likely not."
He made another pause, probably composing his thoughts, so she waited, not saying a word.
„ After the funeral I could barely function. I roamed the empty rooms in our house, couldn´t took a bite of food. I let myself go a lot. I just didn´t care. Nothing was important anymore. And one day I took some sleeping pills hoping that maybe I wont wake up anymore."
Lisbon shivered again and it had nothing to do with the cool breeze flowing.
"My neighbor found me. She used to take a look at me, probably scared that I would to something like that. She called the ambulance and next thing I know I woke up in white room. I didn´t care anymore. It took Sophie half a year to get me going again. She told me that I have a chance. To fight and live or to give up and die. I guess that´s when the flame of revenge started burn. And it burned for almost eight years."
She nodded.
"It was what kept me going, at first. There was also something else. "
He looked at her, reaching for her hand.
"It was also you, and Cho, Rigsby, Van Pelt, your friendship which I never encountered before. And most of all, your kindness."
Her eyes stared to fill with tears and she rubbed them with the free hand not wanting to cry now.
„ And I am sorry as well as I am grateful. I realized yesterday night what you mean to me. I lost everything, but you were always there. Even when I acted as a jerkass which was a lot."
She chuckled.
„ It was a lot."
"Indeed it was. And yet, you still put of with it. I rarely listened to you, I rarely listened to anyone. "
That was true she had to admit. How many times she tried to talk some sense to him? Too many with very little effect.
"And that´s my point. I always did things my way, that is the way I am. I had to do them my own way otherwise I would end up with my father leeching every penny I earned from me. I run away then, to live a different life. I rarely listened to Angela when she tried to put me in line, with no effect. I rarely listened to you, because all I cared about was the revenge...and I tried to protect you. From him, from me...from any foolishness I might have done. Because I never though I would survive at the end."
Lisbon listened to him, understanding what he was saying.
„ What? " she asked looking at him with a frown.
„ It´s true. I wanted revenge, and nothing more. And you should know that the only thing that kept me alive was the thought of you, finding out..." he could´t speak anymore.
"No," was all she said.
He nodded.
„ You wouldn´t..."
He shrugged.
„ Without you there, who knows? Without you in the first place, who knows where would I be? The first time we met and you told me to come back the other day, so I can have a look at the files...you saved me that day."
She shook her head, trying to comprehend what he was telling her. In her own eyes she just helped a man who was grief-stricken to find some solace. And he helped her team a lot. She never thought about it this way. He saw what she was thinking.
„ Lisbon, you did. And it took me too long to realize what you mean to me, what you done for me during all those years. You are the strongest and kindness person I know. I need you to know that."
Lisbon didn´t feel like that at all.
„ You are giving me too much credit Jane, you are stronger than you think...and kind, too."
He just smiled and shook his head.
„ Take that credit Lisbon, because it is all on you. You are the knight in shiny armor in this story, trust me."
„ Am not."
„ A stubborn knight indeed. Let´s make a deal, okay? I will take you guidance more often and you will take my compliments, because I mean them and you deserve them."
She chuckled, then nodded.
„ Let´s see how long it will last. "
„ For a very long time I hope. he said. But there is something else I would like to talk about, if you bear with me some more?"
„ Sure Jane. "
„ You mumbled in your sleep. "
„ What? That´s what you want to talk about? "
She was frowning, sure she was expecting something else entirely.
„ Yes, not just because I find it quite amusing, he said grinning and she fought the argue to hit him for spoiling what was a nice conversation, also because you said my name, more than once. "
There was a pause and he was sure her cheeks turned bright red, too bad it was dark and he couldn´t see it.
"So? I was drunk."
„ Yes, you were," he said with a wink.
"Oh crap, you are never going to forget it, right? "
„ No, even if I wanted to."
„ Great. "
"What were you dreaming about? "
She tried to remember, but there was only a giant window in her head. Maybe she dreamed about him, maybe she was worried even in her drunken state or perhaps she was mumbling something about killing him for leaving.
„ I can´t remember, I think I was worried about you. "
„ Why?" he asked.
„ What? You know why. "
„ I don´t, I can only guess. "
„ Guess away, you are good in that. "
„ Lisbon, I...can´t guess everything about you, sometimes you have to help me out. "
She huffed, starting to feel irritated. Why is he asking such questions? He knows damn well why she was worried. If he left, her world would surely fell apart...she would probably get over it in some time...a very long time. But what about him? What would happen to him if he decided to leave? She would probably never known. And they never really got a proper chance to actually do something about them...with his obsession and the serial killer watching their every move. She would never know, and the truth was she wanted to.
He was watching her closely reading every emotion that was shown on her face from anger, sadness, determination and then, hope.
„ Lisbon? "
„ You know why, " she said quietly.
He knew. He took up all the courage that was left in him after this conversation and kissed her, just lightly on her lips, afraid she wont return it. He nearly pulled away and then she did.
Stars were shining in millions above them but neither of them paid any attention to anything just to each other.
Soon they departed, both grinning like idiots.
The walked hand in hand to her home, quietly, lost in their thoughts.
The kiss was more than words to both of them.
They were lying in bed a lot later, snuggled to each other. None of them dared to go any further, not yet, but it was the first night in a long time without nightmares for Jane.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Thank you all for your comments and I hope you will like this chapter :)