Jane had rented a car and now they drove it to the hotel he booked. His hand still felt a little numb after Lisbon squeezed it hard during the whole hour and a half long flight. He was frightened about the whole idea that was made up in that messed up head of his. The courage and determination he felt in Sacramento all disappeared in this all too familiar place. But here they are, taking a little trip down the nightmare line.
Soon they were in the hotel parking lot, and next thing he knows they were checking in. It felt as if time itself played with his own head. How did they get here so fast? It was just yesterday morning when they booked the flight, and now, just now, they are entering the room which he booked.
It is a fine room, at least. Big queen-sized bed and massive wooden furniture making it cozy and welcoming.
Too bad all he is feeling is fear.
„It´s so nice in here," came her voice from the bathroom.
„Yeah, it is nice, indeed."
Lisbon came out the bathroom and went to look out of the window, the view was breathtaking. The sun shown right at her, the dark hair almost glowing in the sunshine. His heart reached out for her. If there is anything in this world that could keep him calm it is the woman in front of him.
She turned to him and smiled.
Yes, he could do this.
„You okay?" she asked.
„More than okay, Lisbon."
„Good, cause I am starving. I hated that food on plane."
„Oh, might it be because of having this irrational fear of flying?"
She flashed him a bit of an angry look.
„I am not afraid of flying."
Jane walked to her shaking his head.
„My right hand is still numb from your strong hold, Lisbon, look."
He showed her his hand, which seemed to be absolutely alright to her.
„Such a baby,"she said with a wink of her eye, smiling again.
„A baby with nearly broken fingers, but you have to know, it´s fine to be afraid of flying. You are not in the control of the situation, those pilots are, and a control-freak like yourself might find it a bit uneasy."
„I´m a control-freak?"
„Yes, and quite a big one in fact."
„Oh hush, and let´s find something to eat."
„Yes, master."he said bowing his head theatrically.
„God help me," she murmured making sure he could hear it, which made him chuckle.
The sound of waves crushing was the only thing they could hear. After they fulfilled the quest of feeding Lisbon, Jane had an idea which consisted of lying on beach and watching stars. She didn´t mind at all. It was so beautiful outside, and in truth, she never did that with anyone else before. Lying on a fluffy blanket, holding hands, he was telling her all about the stars they could see.
That man knew everything about anything.
It was uncanny as well as irritating, sometimes. Although now, she listened to him gladly, his voice so low and soothing she could barely understand what was he talking about.
He talked and talked, pointing at the stars as she nodded and hummed when she felt like it.
„And that big one, right in front of us, that my dear is called the moon."
Listening to his voice, not his words, she asked „Really?"
„Well, yes, I thought you should knew at least that one." He said with a grin in his voice. It took Lisbon five seconds to realize what he said, and what she asked him. She blushed immediately, „Sorry, I wasn´t listening to you."
„I am sure you were, in some way."
„How do you know so much about stars, anyway?"
She expected him to say something about his many talents, bragging about reading astrology in general and memorizing constellations to be stored in his memory palace. She was expecting a whole speech about that.
But he just said he likes them.
She snuggled to him and told him she likes them too.
It was a magical night in a way, and they lay for a long time until Jane sensed her shivering. It got rather cold. The beach was empty while they walked hand in hand to their hotel and Jane offered his jacket to Lisbon again.
As a thank you gesture she wanted to kiss him on the cheeks, but he turned his head just in that moment and soon she was kissing him on his lips.
She din´t hesitate to join him, savoring the sweet taste of his lips on hers, the closeness both of them needed.
It was a moment that lasted forever, to them. Then it just ended. They smiled at each other shyly and went back to hotel.
Once in the hotel room, Jane was lying at the queen-size bed thinking about the next day. They will go to his place. In different time and different circumstances that would be a great thing to say, considering a woman. Let´s go to my place and I´ll make you a cup of coffee. Right now it meant something absolutely different, let´s go to my place and I show you those doors I been seeing for years in my bad dreams. He looked over at sleeping Lisbon just admiring the view. Sleeping was out of question for him tonight. So he rather spent the night just lying there, content with the woman he loves -
Waaait a minute, loves? He looked at her again, at her little frown she kept even during her sleep, the way she was holding his hand, the warm feeling she gave him...
He could do anything for her, he could stay with her, if she let him. The thought of leaving was no more a attractive one, it became a scary one. Frightening even. If there is hope for him it is wit her. Sure, he doesn´t have much to offer her, just himself, all of him.
Cut off all the acts he´s been playing for starters, sharing thoughts with her, and no more lying, just the truth, bitter or not, the truth.
He sighed which made Lisbon snuggle even closer to him, murmuring something like „s´kay" and he had to kiss her. Just lightly at the frown that had deepened a little.
He wont sleep tonight for sure, but sleep is overrated anyway.
Coffee. She smelled coffee, somewhere close. Gaining consciousness by inhaling the aroma of coffee was her favorite way of waking up. She opened her eyes slowly and saw a very rare sight. Jane was tasting her coffee, sipping it slowly and making faces.
She tried not to laugh but soon enough a chuckle escaped her mouth, just after he made the most ridiculous face.
He turned to her startled, not aware of her awaken state.
„Hey, stop drinking my coffee, get yourself one." Lisbon stood up and headed to him taking the coffee of his hands.
„I was just tasting it for you, my dear Lisbon, to make sure it´s perfect, which it must be, because it taste absolutely horrible. I will never understand what you like about it so much." He will never understand what she likes about him that much, too.
She was watching him, suddenly looking serious.
„Were you up all night?"
He thought about lying to her, just to protect her, but no more. Just the truth.
„Sleep is overrated Lisbon, I´ve had better things to do."
„Like what?" she asked, bit too angrily. He didn´t blame her, after all the stunts he ever done to her, she might think he did something, well, stupid.
„I was watching you," he said wanting to say something nice, realizing it sounds a bit creepy, so he continued, „not in the creepy way, I mean I just watched you sleep...while you slept, you know."
Lisbon cheeks turned bright red and she gave him a whole speech about his sleeping habits, but he could see she was pleased by his comment.
She then asked him if he really wants to go to his former home, with her.
He said yes.
So they went.
It was a spectacular home once, so majestic. If you walk past a house like this you were sure someone important lives there. Lisbon was looking at it with and admiration in her eyes. She lived at much smaller and definitely much less majestic home, as a kid, and even now. She could imagine Jane coming home, in that old car of his, wearing three pieces suit. His wife and daughter standing by the door, waiting for him.
Right now she was standing close to Jane, who was unlocking the front door. Her whole body was tensed. Even though Jane was better these last couple of days she still felt a pang of fear, that something might happen to him and strip him of his newfound balance.
She just hoped that wont happen. Jane unlocked the door finally, it took him a little longer because his hands were a bit shaky. Inside of the house was even more impressive then the outside. Jane stood still, looking around, remembering. He held Lisbon´s hand and lead her through the place.
He was thinking about the need to tell the the truth, to share with her and so he shared. He showed her the whole home, leaving those one door for the end. He showed her where Charlotte made her first steps, the piano she and Angela used to for playing and practice, their kitchen, the place where they used to dance around while cooking, all those little things he didn´t forget but tried not to remember.
Lisbon listened closely, not daring to interrupt to him, even though if was hard to listen. Not because of the things he showed her or told her, no, it had something to do with the tone of his voice. It remained her of the first time they met.
It was a intense tour around the home and she knew what is at the end. They were standing near those door, and Jane was visibly pale. Still holding each others hands he grabbed the doorknob and opened them.
First thing they saw was the red smiley face painted in blood. The room was almost empty, only a bed mattress lying still under that face. Lisbon body shivered at the thought of him laying there under it and all alone.
Jane felt Lisbon shivering and he was fighting the urge to leave this place, right now, just to run out of here, anywhere. This was the place where it all ended. It might as well be the one where something new starts. Still holding Lisbon´s hand he went to sit on that mattress. All those night when he was lying there, thinking about the day when he finally get that bastard came to him. All those sleepless nights, just thinking, and overthinking, hunting...he Finally done it. It wont bring them back, but it might bring back his will to live a better life after all.
The truth was he never thought of life after Red John. It was revenge and the end, goodbye everybody and thank you for the help. He just couldn´t to that to Lisbon.
He inhaled a deep breath and looked at her, and she looked as if she saw a ghost. She was terrified, not because of the place but rather because of what it might to do him.
„I can´t talk about that night when I came home and...found them, at least not now. Someday, maybe, I´ll be ready and tell you about it."
She nodded.
„But talking with you, to you, has helped me a lot. These past couple of days you helped me even more that I could ever imagine, helped me realize what is important. Last night watching you sleep I realized something that I felt for years but never acted on it. I want to explain myself and my actions."
„Okay," was her only answer. He smiled at that. They were sure great in sharing their own opinions and feelings.
„I let you down, so many times -"
„Jane -"
„No, Teresa, please, just listen to me, will you?" She stared blankly in front of her and nodded again. She will listen but wont let him bring himself down, not here, not now.
„I did let you down, not caring about my actions and your reactions. It was a defense mechanism, because in truth I cared about you, more than I was willing to confess to myself. You need to understand that I couldn´t stop what I was doing. It was the most important thing in my life. Even more important than you."
Lisbon inhaled a shaky breath, she knew it was more important than her. And she dealt with it. Almost every single night.
„I know."she said, trying to sound casual and not achieving it at all.
„You need to know that. There were times when I wanted to end it all, being tired of the hunt, of that bastard being always ahead of us. I used to imagine what it would be like. To actually embrace what I was feeling, but I just couldn´t. Because at the end I would resent you, and I am sure about it. If I ever stopped for some reason, and that reason would be you and only you, in the end it would result in hating you. I couldn´t to that to you, or to me. You need to understand that."
She nodded again trying to comprehend what was he telling her. She wiped her tears away not realizing when she started crying.
„Now it´s over and I want to embrace what I am feeling. For the first time since ages I am actually thinking that life could be good again, just because of you. I will never resent you now, never have to worry about it, because without you Teresa, I would be lost. I don´t have much to offer you, just myself, the truth of who I really am."
Lisbon looked at him, shocked. What is he trying to tell her?
„What?" she asked.
„You wanted the truth. So, here it goes, I love you Teresa Lisbon and been in love with you for so long. I love you and never want to leave you ever again. You are what keeps me alive, you are the reason I couldn´t follow my own plan. It scares me, but it is the truth and I want you to know that."
She couldn´t say a thing. She just stared at the wall in front of her, emotions bubbling inside her. Jane on the other hand was looking right at her, probably trying to read her. She shivered and made herself to look at the man sitting there with her. Without the mask of a man who is certain of everything was this other man, insecure and uncertain like everybody else.
She loved him too. For too long, she tried to hide it mostly from him because there was no point in hiding it from herself. What is the point in hiding it now? He took her here and told her that he loved her. No more lying, pretending.
„I love you too" she said, too quietly but he heard it anyway.
They both sat silently just looking at each other, until Lisbon hugged him. He squeezed her tightly back, whispering to her while she cried tears that were there for so long but she never shed them. Now, she couldn´t stop. Badass cop Teresa Lisbon, crying in the arms of man she loves. She had to chuckle at herself, at this whole situation, which combined with her crying made the most ridiculous sound. She heard Jane chuckle too.
He was so happy, in this sad room, where his life ended in a blink of an eye, and now, it has started again. He lost it all then, almost lost himself too. And now, he found a will to live again. He wont ever believe that he deserves another chance but where is the point in throwing it away? No, not anymore. Lisbon loves him and that is the only real and important thing for him. And he will make sure she wont regret in ever again.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
This chapter took longer to write, because of the real life catching up on me, so if anybody was waiting for another chaper I am sorry it took so long :) But anyways I hope you liked it and thanks for the reviews :)