Kyle didn't know what to think when he walked in the kitchen Tuesday morning and saw his mother and Cartman engaged in something resembling a conversation.

The first thing he noticed was that Cartman wasn't wearing a nose brace, just some white medical tape.

The second thing he noticed was that Cartman's plate was loaded with eggs - eggs that were, presumably, for him.

The third thing he noticed was that his mother was smiling, and then that her face fell when she saw him.

"Oh, hello, Kyle," she said, in that flat tone she had been subjecting him to for days.

"Hey, Mom. Hey, Cartman," Kyle said, murdering the fatass with his eyes.

Cartman just smirked as he drowned his eggs in hot sauce. "Why, hello Kahl."

"Eric and I were just having a very interesting conversation," Kyle's Mother said.

"Yes, it was so very interesting," Cartman said, in that fucking falsely sweet voice, and Jesus, Kyle just really wanted to punch him.

"Eric's starting a club, aren't you?" Kyle's Mother said.

"A society, really," Cartman corrected her. "A society celebrating the beauty of the human body in all its forms."

Kyle wanted to puke. His mother smiled even wider.

"It's a great idea. I mean, with the media throwing so many false images with fake beauty at us, it's easy to get bogged down in the superficial!"

"So, so easy," Cartman said. "Oh, and thanks for the breakfast, Mrs. Broflovski."

"No problem, sweetheart," Kyle's Mother said. "Now, I have to go to the library for my volunteer work. Kyle, make sure you get Ike to school."

"Sure, Mom," Kyle said, and he watched his mother grab her purse and walk out of the kitchen. Kyle waited for the front door to slam before turning on Cartman.

"What the fuck are you doing here, Cartman."

Cartman dabbed at his mouth with a napkin. "I wanted to discuss my plans with your mother before I went to school."

"Why." Kyle's nostrils were flared.

"Gee, Kyle, you're awfully tense," Cartman said, sliding out of his chair. "Haven't gotten stoned today, I guess?"

"Look, Fatass, you can play your stupid fucking mindgames all you want, but they're super fucking old at this point."

Cartman crossed the length of the room very quickly for his size, and stood very close to Kyle. Kyle realized that they were the same height.

"Look," Cartman said slowly. "I'm not trying to play a so-called 'mindgame.' Your mother's interested in my cause, like I knew she would be, and I need someone willing to fund it."

"What the fuck is this cause? I don't know what scheme you're pulling, but can you just leave and let me get to making toast, since you fucking ate my eggs?" Kyle stepped away from Cartman and grabbed the loaf of bread out of the cupboard.

"You don't agree with your mother, then, that fat stigma in this society has gone too far?" Cartman asked innocently. Kyle rolled his eyes.

"Look, jackass, there's a big difference between chicks who aren't a size zero and you."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that fat chicks are curvy and fat guys are fat, and you are just a steaming piece of shit. That is what I mean." Kyle's toast popped out of the toaster, and he leaned over to grab it. He took his plate to the fridge and grabbed a stick of butter. He thought that Cartman had left, given the lack of Jew insults being hurled at him, so he was almost surprised when he heard Cartman's soft chuckle.

"Have you been paying a lot of attention to women's bodies, Kahl?"

Kyle dropped his plate. It shattered on the floor.

"Fuck!"

"You are so fucking clumsy," Cartman said as Kyle got the broom and went about cleaning things up.

"Don't help me; I've got it," Kyle muttered. As he swept, he tried to get his pounding heart under control, and he took a few deep breaths. "So," he started in what he hoped was a nonchalant voice. "What were we talking about?"

"What kind of chicks you like, Kyle, since it seems you haven't had a girlfriend in a while," Cartman said easily.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Cartman knows, Kyle thought. At least, he thinks he does. But without proof, he doesn't have shit.

"Having a girlfriend is fucking overrated. I mean, it's not like I wanna stay in this shithole town, and having a girlfriend in high school severely increases your chances of getting tied down way too fucking soon."

And that was true. Kyle liked girls well enough, but the thought of having to dedicate so much time to someone else ... It seemed like way too much work; he felt like he wasn't ready for it. Teenagers all across the nation would be much happier if they thought the way he did, probably.

"That is true," Cartman said thoughtfully. Kyle smirked at that. The fatass didn't have many options. Most chicks avoided him, as they very well should, so it's not like he would be eloping with anyone soon. "What about Wendy?" Cartman continued.

"Testaburger?" Kyle asked. Wendy had moved away a few years ago, but she still emailed Kyle from time to time. "Nah, she's, I mean ... Wouldn't it be weird, dating someone so much like yourself?"

"Well, then, what about Bebe? She's about as opposite from you as they get," Cartman pointed out.

"Bebe's Stan's territory," Kyle said.

"Mmhm, hmm." Cartman was still looking at him suspiciously. Kyle blushed despite himself. It was time to end this.

"Look, Cartman, as much fun as this has been, isn't it about time you get going? In case you haven't noticed, my mom's long gone."

"Yeah, I probably should. Unless ... there's something you want from me?"

"What on earth could I possibly want from you?" Kyle asked, and the look on Fatass's face was far too worrying. He was frowning in that way, like he was thinking hard. Kyle didn't have a lot of respect for Cartman, but he wasn't the stupidest person in the world, so it was best to cut him off at the knees.

"I know what you think you know, Fatass, but at the end of the day, what do you really know?"

To Kyle's surprise, Cartman nodded. "You're right, Kahl. What do I know? Nothing. I've got my suspicions, but I don't have any evidence. Unless ..."

"Unless what?"

"Unless ..." Cartman spread his arms apart and bowed his head, looking like some fat fucking martyr. "You ravish me right now."

It would be an understatement to say that Kyle was taken aback. In fact, he was so incapable of thought that he was convinced his brain had fallen out of his head.

"Excuse me?"

"Do it, Kahl. I know you fuckers are as perverse as it gets, and if letting you have your way with me means that I get proof of your sodomitistic ways, then so be it."

Kyle wanted to laugh, but he couldn't remember how. "Cartman," he said.

"Yes?" Cartman had his eyes squeezed shut, and he was grimacing.

"Get the fuck out of my house, Cartman."

Cartman very slowly opened his eyes. "You're not going to rape me?"

"Not today," Kyle replied drily.

"Figures you wouldn't have enough balls." Cartman turned on his heel and finally left. Kyle stood there, frozen for several moments, going over the last few seconds in his head. Cartman briefly returned.

"Are you going to come over later and play Rough Riders 27.5?"

Kyle didn't like Cartman, but he was one of the few kids in town with that game.

"Okay."

"Coo'," Cartman said, before leaving for good.