Chapter 57 Conflicted Thoughts
When a continuous cloud of texture closes into the sky, and the ground, so feeble, is being overcast by the whitening light, one soars at the prosaic, cumbersome, wan, and contracted circle, leaving the pitiful shadows falling into the realm of resonance.
Bending earthward, that lonely path veils the dark abyss of which he once walked.
O solemn traveler!
O evanesce not!
At length that mind opens. In depth that vision shows.
Dredging, dredging.
Grappling, grappling.
With time that heart arrives. Through space that spirit goes.
…
It is the night.
It is the night when everything is precisely hidden under the shadows.
It is the night when the mind, where everything exists, glides into that domain of infinity.
Tomorrow, the Black Reaper's plan will enter a new stage.
But Hei did not understand.
The Black Reaper glares at the infinitesimally divided night sky, contemplating on nothing other than his own decision.
Sparing the Izanami.
It was so many nights ago when Hei chose to make that deal with Shion the Izanagi.
He strides across the now-empty grassland. Tatsumi and his teammates are no longer viewing the stars with the masked Black Reaper – they have their respective missions tomorrow, and resting is essential in preparing for their missions.
"Yin, her existence, her purpose, her influence, conflicted."
Yes, killing a certain doll and her body host is unequivocally the expected decision in any perspective. But something – something inside Hei's line of logic hindered that choice when he lastly spoke in his realm of dreams.
And what was Hei's justification to Xing?
"I do not like killing"?
Is that even possible for the Black Reaper? Thinking back to that destined day, Hei could not understand why he said that to his supposed sister.
"Could it be Li's deepening memories? No, his memories are only superfluous when comparing to the vast information I have possessed."
Something just does not add up. Everything that Hei believed, believes, and will continue to believe has told, is telling, and will continue to tell him to simply kill the Izanagi. Yet when he comes to the final decision, an unrecognized force is preventing him from making that choice.
With a final remark on his surroundings, he progresses to activate his contractor powers.
…
"Ah, Hei, you are back."
Turning his head to the Black Reaper, Shion carefully sets another piece of stone on the unending realm of grass fields before acknowledging his entrance from the real world.
"Junius is doing well. He is currently investigating the potentials of our targets. There is going to be an operation tomorrow. You have seen our planning details."
The single-eyed boy smiles lightly at Hei, his arms never stopped at arranging the stones into a certain pattern.
"You are looking for something, I presume."
"An explanation."
"Oh? And what may I do to fulfill your inquest?"
"Answers to our agreement."
"Yes?"
"Why did I do it?"
"…"
The crimson-haired boy becomes silent upon that statement. In the next instant, he places the stone in his right hand onto the ground. The smile on his face is replaced with a serious complexion, and his eyes are rotating in thoughtfulness.
"What kind of question is that?"
"I do not understand myself."
"Hei, you and I both know that you have made that decision all by yourself. You must have seen the reason for keeping the Izanami alive."
"I have not."
"Then, there comes the question. Hei, we know that reason alone cannot conclude your decision. You admitted that you did not actually see logic in doing so. As a result, there must have been something else that is preventing you from killing her."
"I know."
"Hei, I have to tell you that I do not have the answer. I do not process the ability to enter your mind, you do."
"That is why I am here."
Pausing in the middle of his explanation, Shion turns his head to the infinite night sky, takes a deep sigh, and closes his eyes. A small glimpse of light evolves from his hand, the stones which he placed in that specific pattern slowly initiate their internal lumens.
Black, gold, silver, crimson, coral.
"Go on. Enter your own mind."
Just like the last time, Hei intuitively stumbles toward the black stone, and stretches out his hand to make a swift contact.
Suddenly, the realm of dreams is dwindling – the endless grass fields are gradually fading into the limitless universe. Like shattered glass, these fragmented pieces carry away the last glimpse of light in this alternate reality.
…
"Big brother, you are back."
A lake rises in the middle of a night forest. The harmonious surface of the water cannot be tainted with a single disruptive ripple, and the beauty of that mixture of moonlight raises a comparison to that of diamonds.
"Yes."
Hei looks down at the smiling girl in front of the lake. It seems that she is emitting an ambience of contentment. He hasn't been here since his very first encounter with his supposed sister, and that was when he entered the realm of dreams for the very first time.
"I know why you are here."
Before Hei can explain himself, Xing quickly turns around from the Black Reaper, and walks calmly toward the edge of the lake. With an unseen grin on her face, she seats herself in the layers after layers of silky grass.
"But I won't answer you unless you spend some time with me."
Blinking his eyes a few times, the Black Reaper chooses to quietly sit himself beside Xing.
"Look at the stars, big brother."
The girl adjusts herself to be closer to the man beside her, pauses for a few seconds, tries to take in the existence of her supposed brother, and lifts her head to observe the night sky before continuing.
"Do you remember that we used to look at the meteors when we were kids?"
"Yes."
Even though that was Li's memory, Hei still subconsciously played his part.
"Do you remember you were so interested with the night sky that you stayed up all night looking through your telescope?"
"Yes."
"Do you remember that you loved the stars?"
Hei's eyes widens at that choice of word. Searching through his memories, he tries to connect that specific diction to something he could understand, explain, and accept.
"Love." He repeats.
"Yes, love, big brother."
"…"
"You were fascinated, enthusiastic, and most of all, happy. When the stars were replaced with contractor symbols, you would look at the night sky every night, pursuing your hope that the stars will return one day, even though you knew, with reason and logic, that the stars would never come back. Sometimes, you did not want to listen to reason, big brother. You listened to your emotion."
"…"
Enough has been said. Hei is a fast thinker. There is a connection between his confusion and Xing's explanation. She is trying to tell him that it is his emotion for Yin that hindered his decision to kill her.
"That is Li, not me."
The grin on the black-haired girl's face widens at his comment.
"Perhaps it is, perhaps it is not."
"My temporal lobe is incomplete, I cannot process human emotions."
"Maybe, but what other explanations do you have for deciding to spare the girl?"
"Subconscious restrictions from Li's memories."
"You are over-analyzing."
"Logically possible."
"See? That is the problem! You use you logic through everything! Everything! Hei, you are not fully human, but I took you in as my true brother! Do you know why? Because I saw hope in you! If you do not have any emotions, then why did you say you did not like the killing? Don't tell me it was Li's memory, I don't believe it! Stop thinking! Stop analyzing! Stop reason your way through everything you perceive! Feel them, Hei. Feel them like a human would."
Bursting out her voice immanently, Xing lets her eyes meet that of Hei's, her expression intense and serious.
"It will be hard, but I have patience, and I have hope."
She closes her eyes, and tiredly turns back to the night sky.
"The morning is near. You still have work to do."
With a gentle push to Hei, Xing fades away in the distance.