Hey! So I'm going to keep this brief because this is the longest chapter I've written so far. I hope that it gives you some insight to Paige and helps you better understand why she is so reluctant to give into the urges she has whenever she is around Emily.
With that said, thank you again to the few that sent reviews on my last chapter. I hope you can find some appreciation in this one as it relates completely to Paige and her past.
I have to warn that there is a *** Trigger warning: [Self harm]*** in this chapter as it dives further into Paige's past. So please, continue reading at your own discretion.
Reviews are appreciated. Thank you to my new followers!
^^^ ^^^ Paige's POV
Paige watched Emily drive away until she was no longer in view. It wasn't until Emily was out of view that she realized just how cold it was outside, and just how cold she was.
She took a step back and closed the door. As she finished locking it up, she exhaled deeply and rested her forehead against the door while shutting her eyes tightly. Her pulse was finally settling back to normal. Her heartbeat became less deafening in her ears and she was finally able to focus on her thoughts.
What almost just happened? What did I almost do? How could I be so dumb?
Paige was feeling a bit panicked. It had been a while since she felt, to an extent, so out of control with her thoughts and even her actions. That whole encounter with Emily left her feeling a multitude of things and she was now overwhelmed.
She replayed what had happened only moments ago in her head.
She had pushed her hand lightly into Emily's shoulder. But it had obviously been too forceful because the next thing she remembered was Emily's hand grabbing onto her forearm. The actual incident happened so fast she didn't really know what was going on but she recalled throwing her free arm out towards the door. Then she remembered slamming into Emily and feeling her hot breath as it had escaped her lungs on Paige's impact. Her hand had ended up flat against the door just beside Emily's face and some of Emily's raven colored hair had been tickling the side of her wrist. The next thing she remembered was carefully taking a controlled breath in and capturing the scent of her hair. A mixture of coconut and mint. It had finally dried by the time their visit had come to an end and Paige had been admiring how nicely Emily's hair could air dry and still look like she took the time to style it. Paige had to stop herself from wanting to run her hand through Emily's silky locks when she found herself so close to the other girl. Then Paige remembered,
I almost kissed her. What the hell was I thinking?
Paige would be lying to herself if she didn't admit that she did, in fact, want to kiss Emily. Right then and there when she had Emily pinned against the door. It was the perfect opportunity to just plant one on Emily's lips and take control of the situation. She'd been staring at Emily's lips just after accidentally slamming into her. Finding herself just a mere two inches away from her lips. Hovering just slightly above Emily's. It was all her eyes could focus on. Emily's perfectly shaped lips just teasing Paige. Almost asking to be kissed.
God, I wanted to kiss her so bad. That would have been the dumbest thing to do. I almost did too and then..
The way that Emily had released her arm, almost too suddenly, had Paige thinking that she had freaked Emily out. Their close proximity probably made Emily uncomfortable. Soon after Emily's hand had left her arm, she snapped back into reality from her Emily induced daze. The removal of Emily's hand left her with an empty feeling in the pit of her stomach. But it wasn't until a few short moments later that she realized she was still standing too close to the other girl and she needed to put more space between them. Paige wondered if Emily might have noticed her hesitancy and that worried her.
Was she just being polite when she said she was fine, that she knew it was an accident?
Often times Paige read too much into small forms of physical contact. She had so little of it that sometimes a pat on the back or a lingering hand on her leg meant more to her than it probably, in all reality, did to the other person. And when it came to her showing any kind of affection to anyone else, she frequently feared rejection.
Recalling the whole Emily incident had worked her up again. Paige took a deep controlled breath in and then let one out. She continued to do this until she was as relaxed as she could be.
She turned so her back was now resting against the door and she slowly eased herself down into a sitting position on the floor. Wrapping her arms around the front of her legs, she hugged them to her body as tight as she could and rested her forehead down on the tops of her knees.
At that moment Paige was feeling very weak and confused and more than anything it was one of those moments where she just wanted to talk to Mark.
Flashback
"Yeah, well it looked like he thought he had me beat already. He must have let up on his stroke just before he hit the wall. And that was when I—. Hello? Earth to Paige. Are you listening?"
Paige felt Mark lightly kick her foot under the table.
"Huh, what? Sorry. Yeah, you totally took him by surprise. The look on his face was priceless when he saw your name at the top of the screen in front of his. It was great. I don't think I've heard mom and dad scream so loud before."
"What's on your mind there kiddo? I can tell something has you bothered. Is it the race coming up?"
Paige hated how her brother was always able to tell if something was on her mind or if she was upset about something. It was like a sixth sense he had. He often joked that her name suited her well because he could read her clear as writing on a page in a book.
"No, but now that you've mentioned it I'm thinking about that too. Thanks." Paige said while dipping her French fry in some of the ketchup on her plate. She proceeded to draw abstract designs on the part of the plate that was bare of the food that she'd already eaten.
"Well, then what else is it? It seems like you are contemplating something. You know you can tell me anything or talk to me about anything right? I thought I've made that clear enough by now."
Paige looked up and made eye contact with Mark.
"I know."
"What's holding you back?" Mark asked.
"I don't know. Me I guess."
"Want to get out of here?"
"Yes."
Mark stood up from his seat and led the way out of their favorite diner. They had a ritual of eating there together after either of them had a swim meet, whether they had won or not. Today it was Mark who took first place in all three of his races.
Paige followed quietly behind him and once they were outside, Mark allowed Paige to catch up and then he wrapped his arm around her as they walked side by side to Mark's bright red Mustang. It had been a gift from their dad when Mark got his driver's license. Paige wondered if she'd get a car of her own one day too.
Mark unlocked the car and walked around to the driver's side. Paige opened her door and slid right into the passenger seat closing the door gently so now she was shut inside. She reached for her seat-belt and fastened it in place. She was so lost in her own thoughts that it wasn't until a little later that she realized Mark wasn't taking the normal route to get home.
"Where are we going?" Paige asked as she looked over to her brother.
"You'll see." He replied with a smile on his face.
Paige looked out her window and decided not to put up a fight about their detour home. After all, she loved any amount of time she spent with him. They ended up pulling into the side parking lot of the Jefferson High School.
"What are we doing here?" Paige asked.
"Come on. Grab your bag." Mark replied as he was already halfway out of the car.
Paige looked down between her feet, where her swim duffle was located. Still slightly confused she did what she was told, grabbed her bag, and then exited the car.
Once out of the car Paige noticed that Mark had his swim bag as well. He locked up the car and led the way to the side door of the gym.
"Mark, it's the weekend, what are we doing here? It's all locked up."
"Not if you have the key to get in." Mark said while dangling a set of keys in front of Paige's eyes with a mischievous smile on his face.
"How'd you get those?"
"Let's just say that's for me to know and for you to never find out." He replied winking at his little sister.
"Fine, whatever, but it's all on you if we get caught."
Mark held the door open for Paige and she willingly took a step inside. He locked the door up behind him and led the way down the hall. Paige stopped in place a little ways down the hall.
"Mark, seriously what are we doing here? What if we get caught? Won't it be like breaking and entering or something?"
"Paige, seriously, do you trust me?"
"You know I do."
"Then keep walking."
Paige let out an exaggerated breath. And kept following her brother. Mark took a turn to right which left them in front of the locker rooms. It appeared he only had the key to the male's locker room.
"Okay, so I only have the key to the guy's room. So, I'll go in first and change. Then I'll come out here and get you and you can just meet me through the door in the back of the locker room that leads out to the pool. Okay?"
"Are you kidding me?"
"Lizzy, stop getting so wound up. Relax. It's okay to break the rules every once in a while."
He had just referred to her with her childhood nickname. Her middle name was Elizabeth; she was named after her mom. When they were growing up Mark had come home from school one day with the realization that her middle name had part of the word lizard in it. He had the oh-so-brilliant idea of referring to Paige as Lizard for the next few weeks after that. She was just starting grade school at that point and she hated the amusement he found in calling her a lizard. At the time she was also going through a phase where she thought lizards were creepy and gross, especially after his pet lizard at the time had managed to crawl up her leg one day when it had escaped out of it's cage. Eventually the name evolved into Lizzy. He rarely used it anymore, but if he really wanted to make a point he'd say it just to give her enough push to usually do something she didn't particularly want to.
Paige swung a quick punch into Mark's gut. He definitely wasn't expecting it and it had knocked the wind out of him a bit.
"Oooff."
Sucking in some air he spit out,
"Nice one. I've taught you well."
"Go change, and don't call me that ever again." Paige said smiling innocently at her brother. Mark laughed and regained his composure, shaking his head and smiling as he disappeared into the locker room.
Paige looked to her left and to her right. She was extremely worried someone would see her waiting outside the locker rooms. She hated finding herself in situations that could possibly cause her to get in trouble. It had been less than five minutes when Mark finally appeared from the locker room changed into his swim suit.
"Come on."
Paige still looked hesitant but followed him in anyways.
"It smells like a bunch of sweaty dudes in here. Gross." Paige said as she wrinkled her nose.
"Ha, what did you expect? A field of flowers? Fresh baked chocolate chip cookies?" Her brother responded as he nudged her slightly with his elbow.
His light nudge actually threw her sideways into a wall of lockers. Compared to his six-foot tall lanky stature and slight muscular build, she was only about five foot two inches at the time and had a tiny frame. It didn't take much for her to get thrown off balance and it didn't help that she was naturally clumsy.
To this day she only topped her height off at about five foot six inches, the muscle build in her back and chest filled out more as her workout intensities increased with time. She was toned, but not overly muscular. Her frequent runs and bike rides had done wonders for her butt and legs. She definitely wasn't that awkward little girl from just about years ago. She was pretty confident she was finished growing. But she'd always wondered if and almost hoped that she would catch up in height with Mark. She seemed to have been blessed with her mother's genes when it came to height whereas Mark took after their dad. Their mom was a whopping height of five foot three and their dad stood at six foot. At least she bypassed her, Paige often thought to herself.
"Watch it. I'm not against punching you again and harder if I have to. I don't appreciate your sarcastic tone. Smartass." Paige spat out as she re-hoisted her swim duffle onto her shoulder and stood up as tall as she could.
"At the wee age of 14, I see my vocabulary is finally rubbing off on you."
"Yeah yeah, you're corrupting me, whatever. Just leave me so I can change."
"I'll be by the pool. Don't take too long."
Mark left Paige to change and when she finally appeared from the locker room door she stood in place watching her brother from afar. A huge grin had spread across her face as he watched him climb up the five meter diving platform, that stood at the far end of the pool, and run full speed off of it tucking into a forward flip and then pulled into a fairly sloppy dive just before he hit the water that created quite a bit of splash.
At least he didn't belly flop.
She walked her way down the side of the pool to meet him as he began to climb out of the water.
"Nice one." She said as she held her hand out to help him out of the pool.
Naturally, he grabbed her hand and pulled her into the pool with him.
Should have guessed that would happen.
"Why are you such an ass some times?" Paige said as she resurfaced.
"I wouldn't be doing my job as your older brother if I wasn't." He said as he then took his hand placed it on top of her head and dunked her under the water.
When she bobbed up the second time she saw that he had already managed to exit the pool and he was now making his way over to the spring board. She pulled herself out of the water and sat on the edge of the pool wall and watched. She was curious as to what kind of trick he was going to do now.
Mark carefully walked his way to the edge of the board and while facing Paige he began to jump up and down on it. He continued to do this until she guessed he felt he was high enough in the air. She really wasn't sure what he was doing. He lept off the board leaning his body to the side and brought himself into a tucked position wrapping his knees with his arms. He was rotating sideways out towards the water and held with position until he hit the water. It was best described as a fancy type of cannon-ball and the splash was quite enormous in Paige's opinion.
He swam his way back up and looked over smiling as though he was proud of himself at Paige. She was laughing in amusement and decided she'd try a few jumps herself.
She made her way over to the springboard and she began to catch air as she jumped up and down on the board. A few more jumps later she was off the board and tucked herself forward, touching her pointed toes at the end of her perfectly straight legs before unfolding herself and managing to hit the water in a decent dive form.
When she swam back up to the surface and looked over to her brother and smiled.
"Well, isn't that cute." He called to her.
"Made almost minimal splash on that one." She called back.
"Paige, let loose. Do something crazy and take me by surprise. Don't think so hard about trying to be perfect with everything you do. Try something new, take a chance. You only live once."
Paige furrowed her brows. She didn't know what she could do to surprise him. But she figured she'd at least try. Pulling herself out of the pool once more she decided that she would use the platform this time. Mark was sitting on the edge of the springboard watching her as she climbed to the top.
Paige still wasn't sure what she should do when she finally got to the top. She was slightly afraid of heights and she was now regretting her decision to jump from the platform. She walked over to the edge and looked down.
Oh god. Why did I just do that? This is a lot higher up than it looks.
She swallowed hard and took a deep breath in. She'd never hear the end of it she backed down now.
Okay, you can do this. Just take a deep breath and go for it.
She took several steps backwards and decided she'd just run and jump.
Count to three and go. Just do it.
"What's taking so long?" Mark called up to her.
"Shut up." She yelled back.
1,..2..3.
Paige started to run off the platform but just as soon as she came to the edge of it she hesitated in her next step off. This caused her to body to lean awkwardly forward and before she knew it she was somersaulting forwards uncontrollably in the air headed towards the water. She hit the water on her back causing the air to get knocked out of her.
The next thing she knew Mark was pulling her up to the surface and she was gasping for air.
"Ow—th—that kinda hurt." She huffed out.
"That was one of the biggest splashes I think I've ever seen. I think you topped mine. Good job." Mark stated with an amused tone of voice.
"That was a complete accident." She replied as he was still pulling her over to the wall of the pool.
"Well it was a crazily executed accident." He joked.
"Thanks, I guess."
"Here, grab onto wall. You need to catch your breath."
Paige now had hold of the wall. She brought both of her arms out of the pool, resting them on the tile; bending both of her arms at her elbows she crossed them so her head could lie on top. At this point, her face was facing away from Mark.
"So, are you gonna finally tell me what's been on your mind?"
Paige turned her head so she was now facing Mark, who was now sitting outside of the pool. She kept her head resting on her arms.
She took an exaggerate breath out.
"Okay. Well how about if I guess what it might be? If I guess correctly in three tries, you have to come clean. Deal?"
"Fiiinne. Deal." Paige breathed out.
"Well, you already told me it wasn't the race coming up. Not exactly anyways, so my first guess is…you failed a test at school?"
"Nope."
"Hmmm. Okay, okay. Two more guesses. Give me a minute." He said as he kicked his foot into the water causing a bit of a splash to hit Paige in the face.
"Watch it." She stated.
"Or I'll take back our deal; we didn't pinky promise on it. Therefore it's not official."
Mark let a small chuckle escape him.
"You know what I think it is?" He asked.
"Huh?" She asked back.
"Well more specifically, who I think it is?" He asked again.
Damn, he's good.
Paige didn't have to respond to his question. It was rhetorical.
"Erin." He stated.
Paige lifted her head up and held his gaze.
"Bingo." She said while beginning to pull herself up out of the pool.
"You're not going to get off that easy." He said.
"I figured as much."
Paige was now sitting beside him, with her legs still submerged in the water.
It had been several months before that, that Paige had told Mark that she had a crush on someone at school. She had worked herself about it so much that she was in tears by the time she finally came clean about who it was. Naturally he assumed it was a boy, but to his slight surprise, Paige had told him it was a girl. More specifically, her best friend at the time, Erin.
Paige was so worried that he would be mad at her or make fun of her for her feelings. Tell her she was confused, that it wasn't right, that she needed to forget about it. Instead, she found that he had wrapped her up in his long strong arms and hugged her tightly until she was finished crying. He turned out to be really supportive of her and he promised that he would be there for whenever she needed him. If anyone gave her any problems about it he joked that he'd beat them up for her. He also told her not to care about what anyone else thought. That she needed to stay true to herself, and with time it would get better. He said not to feel ashamed of her feelings and he still loved her just the same. It had been a huge weight off of her shoulders and after their conversation, she was glad she had told him the truth.
"Are you still trying to figure out if you should tell her how you feel?" He asked.
Paige looked from her feet in the water up to his deep blue eyes.
"Yeaahhh." She reluctantly let out.
"You know what I think you should do? I think you should just yell out to her one day in the middle of the courtyard and say,
"Erin I have a huge crush on you, will you be my girlfriend?!"
"Oh shut up." Paige said as she grabbed his arm and attempted to force him back into the water. He was too heavy and she ended up falling in as he stayed exactly where he was.
When she resurfaced she could hear him laughing at her sad attempt to get him in the pool.
"It's not that easy." She finally said to him.
"I know, little one." He said to her.
Little one seemed to be one of his terms of endearment for her. Which she guessed made sense because he was so much bigger than her. But she still didn't love it. But it was better than Lizzy in her opinion.
"But in all honesty," He started then stopped as if he was thinking about how to phrase his words the right way.
Paige just waited.
"..from what you've told me, there is a chance she may like you back as more than a friend. Girls are tricky though. I have the same problem figuring out which one's like me as more than friends and which one's don't. But even if she doesn't, if you two are as close of friends as it seems, she should be able to get over it and still be there for you as your best friend. It's a tricky situation and you need to use your best judgment. You need to ask yourself if knowing whether or not she returns those feelings is worth possibly losing her as a friend. And if she rejects your friendship after you tell her, then she didn't even deserve to be your friend in the first place. A true friend wouldn't stop being your friend even after you tell them something like that. But just know that even if things don't go the way you want them to, I'll always be here for you no matter what. Metaphorically speaking, just like when we were little, I'll pick you back up when you take a fall, brush off the dirt from your knees and your hands, slap a band aid on the cut, and give you a giant kiss on your forehead to make you feel better. I promise."
Mark held out his hand. The only finger sticking out was his pinky. Paige smiled and met his pinky with hers. They wrapped their pinkies around each other.
"You promise?" She asked.
"Forever and always." He promised.
Paige was now sobbing hard as she still clutched her legs and pressed her forehead harder to her knees.
At the time, both Mark and Paige never would have thought he wouldn't be able to keep his promise to her. A few days later, with a new-found confidence after talking with Mark, Paige had decided to write a letter to Erin. The letter told Erin that she liked her as more than a friend and that she had hoped she felt the same way. She tucked it away into Erin's locker one day and waited nervously for the next few days to get a response back.
Erin did in fact write her back. But the reply was exactly everything Paige had feared the most by telling Erin the truth. Erin told Paige she was disgusted. She said Paige would go to hell and that she didn't want to talk to Paige ever again or want Paige to ever come near her again, making it sound like "what Paige had" was contagious.
Later that same day, after she had received the letter from Erin, police showed up on the front of Paige's doorstep. It wasn't until she heard her mom sobbing loudly downstairs that she realized anything bad had happened. That's when they got the news that Mark had died in a car crash on his way home from school. Someone had lost control of their car while dodging a deer on their side of the road and hit him head on. He wasn't wearing his seat-belt and he had died on impact. Paige was absolutely, positively, beyond devastated. She not only lost a friend that day, but she also lost her brother, and undoubtedly her truest best friend.
She knew it didn't really make sense to attribute Mark's death with Erin's rejection. She realized that Mark's death was completely coincidental. But it was too much for her to handle and even though she knew she felt one way, she opted to force herself to feel the "right" way. Mark wasn't there that day and the day's after when she needed to be picked up and brushed off. She'd lost the one person who promised to be there for her no matter what. The one person who loved her for her no matter what. No matter how she felt, and no matter who she truly was. She had weighed the pros and cons of giving the letter to Erin, and ultimately decided that she needed to take a chance and do something crazy. Even if the worst came back to her, she figured she'd at least have Mark by her side. Telling her it would all be okay.
The hurt and pain got worse. Erin had passed Paige's letter around to other kids in school and Paige became the center of attention. She was known as the girl who lost her brother and liked girls. Her grades began to drop and she became slightly less interested in competing in swim. Swim had never been completely cut out of her life, but she had stopped racing for the remainder of her eighth grade year. She kept completely to herself, showing up to school just to be there. Paige's parents dealt with the loss of Mark in their own way eventually engrossing themselves completely in their work. They figured Paige was just dealing with the loss in her own way, and she'd bounce back to her normal self.
Five months after Mark's accident, summer rolled around and Paige felt as numb as ever. On a day where she had been using a particularly sharp knife to carefully peel away an orange peel, Paige accidentally sliced open her finger. It took her by surprise and she initially hadn't realized she had cut herself until she recalled feeling the tug of her skin and watched as the bright red substance leached out of the open wound on the tip of her finger. Realizing it was continuing to bleed an absurd amount of blood for such a small cut she reached for a paper towel and applied pressure to finger. Her finger was now throbbing and stung at the contact of the paper towel. Oddly enough, she had found herself feeling a slight rush of excitement in the small amount of pain she was feeling in her finger. It'd been so long since she had felt anything.
The accidental cut that summer seemed to have triggered something inside her and she started to make it into a more common occurrence. She got a hold of a small razorblade from a stash her dad had in his toolbox. Meticulously, she would drag the razor across her skin cutting herself on her side, just above her hip. She figured it'd be the easiest place to cover up on her body. Even with a swimsuit. The razor became a tool allowing her to feel again. It reminded herself she was still, in fact, alive. Even when on the inside, she didn't feel like it. And eventually it turned into something she needed to do on a regular basis. She figured that it was better to feel pain than to not feel anything at all.
Time went on and Paige found herself towards the middle of her freshman year of high school. She found herself swimming competitively again with a stronger drive than she had before. She guessed that it was fueled from the anger she housed deep inside her. Anger she still had from losing Mark and anger from the feelings she still felt that she was still unable to shake. The bullying never really stopped. Even though she had had her go at dating a few guys from school, it didn't stop the occasional harassment that had stemmed from that letter that had followed her from middle school. She thought that if she was seen with a boy, it would prove to her that maybe she really wasn't gay and to prove to others that saw her that she wasn't. None of her relationships lasted long. Especially when they guys became too touchy-feely. But she figured that it didn't really mean anything and she told herself she just hadn't found the right guy yet.
She'd occasionally see Erin in the halls of the high school and every time they accidentally made eye contact, it brought back all of the memories Paige tried so hard to repress. Every so often, she'd get an anonymous note in her locker; sometimes her swim locker and it'd mention something about her being a dyke and that she wasn't fooling anyone. She had a feeling that the notes were from Erin, still poking fun at her. She never understood how someone who was once her friend, could still be so cruel.
Paige had sort of just drifted through the year. She maintained a 4.0 grade point average so as not to tip off her parents that something might be wrong. They were hardly ever home, so as long as she kept her times down and her grades up, they never would have suspected anything. She looked back on the year having almost no recollection of what exactly had happened during that school year. Other than having a very successful swim season the only thing that stood out to her was when she had tried, unsuccessfully, to take her life. Swimming all of a sudden wasn't enough for her. She realized it would probably never make her feel whole again and it would never bring Mark back.
One night after she had had a particularly bad day at school and when she was feeling especially alone, her thoughts led her to wish she had been in the car with Mark that day. She wished that she could have gone with him and be with him, wherever he was. She'd raided her parent's medicine cabinet that night. She had found three different kinds of sleeping pills prescribed to her mom and figured she'd take her chances taking all three. She hoped that it would be as easy as drifting off to sleep.
Other than remembering taking all the pills and allowing herself to drift off to sleep, the next thing she recalled from that day was waking up in the hospital getting her stomach pumped. It wasn't until later that her mom told her she'd come home to find Paige asleep, but upon further inspection when she was covering Paige up with a blanket, it looked like she was hardly breathing. She had immediately called 9-1-1 and they had arrived just in the nick of time. Had she been found any later, she wouldn't be alive to this day.
Paige's parents never really knew the exact reason why she tried to overdose on the pills. They just assumed it was because she was still grieving over Mark's death. The real reason was because she was tired of the bullying from school and the feelings she had desperately tried to escape, without luck, since that letter incident. Really, she knew deep down inside that Mark would never have wanted her to escape her problems the way she had tried. He would have wanted to see her take them head on and put up a fight about it. Be proud of who she was and stand up for herself. But she was too much of a coward, especially without him as her support system.
Her parents had found out about her cutting problem the same night she was admitted to the hospital. The doctors and nurses had stripped off her shirt in the process of hooking her up to all the monitoring equipment and it was apparent the old scars and the newer cuts had been put there on purpose. Paige started to see a therapist the day she was release from the hospital and her parents took her out of school for the remainder of the year and hired a private tutor so she could finish her classes up at home.
She could see confusion and disappointment in her parent's eyes when she finally made it home and was sat down on the living room couch. It was some sort of an intervention she'd guessed. Her dad quickly resorted to raising his voice and her mom was brought to tears saying she had worried that she'd lost her only other child. That she was so sure she had already lost Paige when she dialed 9-1-1. She just sat there on the couch with a blank stare on her face. Her dad had a short fuse, much like she did and her mom was overly emotional sometimes. She figured it was best to both let them vent in their own way because nothing she said to them would make it better. She knew that what she had tried to do was dumb, and almost selfish.
Paige lifted her head off her knees. She'd been sitting against the door for what seemed like forever, crying all her jumbled up confused feelings out, when really, as she checked the time it had only been about a good twenty minute cry session. She brought her hands up to her face and wiped away the stray tears that lingered on her cheeks and wiped her nose. She was a mess.
Just then her phone had buzzed inside her sweatpants' pocket. Pulling it out and unlocking the screen she looked down at her phone.
Hey! I just made it home safe and sound. Btw. I would so not ditch YOU for my mom. : ) –E
A small smile found itself spreading across Paige's face.
Maybe it will be okay. Maybe I really didn't freak her out.
Today marked almost a year for Paige since she had both last taken a razor to herself and tried to take her life. It had been almost two years since Mark had died.
Seeing a therapist had helped Paige significantly. She was able to openly talk about all of her pent up frustrations, worries, and feelings again. Mark being absent from her life had caused Paige to shut herself in. When her parents had noticed she seemed to have been more herself and had taken an interest in swimming again, her dad hired a trainer to help get her back in shape. She fought them against going back to Jefferson for school and she told them it was just because she worried kids from school knew about her incident. Relenting, they put in a transfer to Rosewood when she finally told them she was ready to go back to public school. The classes she took over the summer and the classes she finished up during the fall term put her ahead in school. She was now at a junior level with most of her classes and some at a senior level.
Paige texted Emily back.
If you say so ;) -P
Paige stood up from her position by the door and walked herself upstairs to her room. She slipped out of her tear saturated tank top and sweatpants and threw on a t-shirt and running shorts. She could feel that she'd be getting a good night's sleep tonight. She had exhausted herself crying so hard and it had been exactly what she needed. She brushed her teeth and crawled under the comforter of her queen sized bed.
As she settled herself in bed she flipped over to her side left side and the last thoughts to enter her head were,
Maybe I shouldn't be afraid of just being myself. Mark would have hated to see me like this. Hiding who I really was. Putting on a front on for everyone around me. After all, Emily isn't anything like Erin. And maybe, just maybe there's a chance she could like me back.
Paige still didn't really know what she was going to do about her resurfacing feelings. Feelings that were now finding themselves directed specifically towards Emily. It'd been so long since she had allowed herself to feel this way. But there was something about Emily's presence that was causing Paige's carefully constructed wall to come slowly undone, brick by brick. But she figured, as she drifted off to sleep, that she'd let that be a problem for her to worry about when she woke up.