"So, wait just one bloody minute! Emma's back? You found her? She owns a bar that she named after you and she has a wee one? Is that what you're telling me?"
Regina rolled her eyes. "Yes, Zee, that's exactly what I'm telling you."
She had to pull the phone away from here ear when Zelena's piercing shriek nearly busted her eardrum. "I have so many questions!" Zelena cried. "Where's she been? Who's the child's father? Why would she dedicate her bar to you when she hated your guts? What the bloody hell is going on?"
"I'm asking myself the same questions and more, over and over again," Regina admitted with a sigh. She felt so defeated.
"So, while you should be absolutely chuffed right now, you sound gutted instead. Isn't this a good thing? She reached out to you. You're speaking to her. Why do you not know everything yet?"
"Because halfway through our conversation, she got a call from some man about her child coming down with fever and she had to go home. But she said she wants to see me again, explain more to me."
"So," Zee said slowly in realization, "you believe that this is what, some apology or her way of saying she forgives you?"
"I think," Regina said softly, "that back then, she thought I ruined her life. Turns out, she found a great foster mother, finished her education, found a good man and started a family and a business, and this is all her way of trying to make amends, let me know she's okay and she forgives me. And when she's done, she'll move on again."
"That's a bunch of tosh."
"What do you mean?" Regina asked curiously, sitting up straight. Zelena had always been the best at helping her see different perspectives, and that's exactly what she needed from her now.
"If that was all she was doing, she wouldn't still be trying to reach out to you. A quick chat at her bar would have been enough if that's all she was looking to do. You need to meet with her again."
"And what, hear about her wonderful husband and son and life, hear about how she moved on when I've been stuck on her for years?"
"You're jealous."
"Of course I'm jealous!" Regina cried before downing the rest of her wine and jumping up to pace the living room. "I love her. I've always loved her. I've never loved anyone else. And I've tamped that love down, hidden it deep inside, built my career and my connections and made myself strong. And I see her for the first time in almost a decade and I can feel everything crashing down around me. I can't handle this, Zee."
"Call her, immediately, and schedule dinner with her. I'm just as eager for the rest of this talk as you are dreading it. So just do it and get it over with."
So, Regina did just that, and now it was the Friday after their meet-up at Queenie's, Regina was answering her door for Emma, who stood on her stoop holding a casserole dish and a bottle of wine with a sheepish smile on her face.
As usual, Emma looked beautiful. Her curls were cascading down her back and framing her angelic, wind-flushed face. She wore a short-sleeved sweater dress and black tights, and the outfit was made complete by a pair of heels. The Emma Regina remembered wouldn't have been caught in heels unless it was an extremely special occasion….was coming to Regina's for dinner a special occasion to her? Regina couldn't tell.
"Can I come in?" Emma asked after a solid ten seconds of Regina just staring at her on the stoop. Blinking and pulling herself out of her musings, Regina smiled cordially. "I'm sorry. It's still just…really good to see you," she admitted, stepping aside and letting Emma into her apartment.
"You too," Emma said brightly. "Wow, nice digs you got here," she complimented as Regina led her into the kitchen.
"Thank you," Regina responded, "It's small, but it's nice and close to work."
"So…you live alone?" Emma asked hesitantly.
"Yes," Regina answered shortly, checking on the chicken that was currently baking in the oven and then turning to Emma and gesturing to the counter. "You can place your things there if you'd like."
Emma sat down the wine and dish carefully, then turned to Regina with what looked like a forced grin. "It's bread pudding," she said. "I hope you don't mind that I brought it. I hate coming empty-handed to dinner."
"Thank you, Emma, that sounds wonderful," Regina said cordially, reaching for the bottle opener and deftly pulling the cork out before pouring two generous glasses.
"Dinner is almost ready," she said casually around the lump in her throat. This was awkward. They were acting like strangers, when Regina could remember clearly the feel of Emma's body and the taste of her tongue, the desire in her eyes and the love and comfort they used to share with each other.
"This feels unreal," Emma breathed against Regina's neck as her hand found its way under Regina's shirt to cup her breast, eliciting a gasp from Regina as her body responded to the touch.
She gently stroked Emma's hair as they lay together under the covers of Regina's bed. "I don't know why I waited so long to show you how I feel," she whispered, her back arching as Emma's hand traveled down her stomach and toyed with the waistband of her pajama pants. Emma lifted her head and kissed Regina sweetly.
Regina wasn't in the mood for sweet, however, and she pressed herself hard against her girlfriend, forcing her lips open and exploring her mouth desperately. They had gone so slow, sneaking make-out sessions and copping feels for a few days now, and she felt like she was about to break from the strain of her want for all of Emma. Her hand found its way down Emma's pants and she softly cupped Emma where she wanted to most. The blonde gasped loudly, pulling Regina's mouth harder against hers and bucking up into her hand.
"Oh, God," Regina sighed at the feeling of Emma's warmth against her palm. Desire slammed into her harder than it ever had before, stealing her breath and making her feel light-headed as an unbearable ache swept through her body. "Please, Emma, let me touch you…"
"Yes…"
"-about it now or wait until after dinner? Regina? Are you okay?"
Regina blinked, realizing that she'd gotten lost in her own head again. There was a tell-tale ache in her belly from the memory of just a few days before that article ruined their lives, but she took a deep breath and formed her hands into fists, letting her nails dig into her palms painfully to distract her from her traitorous body.
"Forgive me, Emma. I-"
The timer on the oven went off then, and Regina turned around to pull the chicken out and lay it on the stove to cool. "I hope you like chicken parmigiana," she said conversationally as she began pulling out plates and cutlery and setting their places on the table.
"I do," Emma replied. "But, did you hear what I said a second ago?"
"I'm afraid," Regina admitted, "that I got lost in thought once again. So, no, I didn't hear you."
Emma huffed slightly, then shook her head. "I just…wanted to know if you wanted to skip this almost painful chit chat and get down to why I'm really here. We still need to talk."
"Indeed." Regina quickly dished out their dinner and together they sat down to eat. "I'll admit I'm surprised that you didn't bring your husband and son to dinner. I'm sure I said you were welcome to."
"Yeah, here's the thing," Emma began as she blew on the first bite of her food to cool it and then took a bite. "Oh, wow, this tastes like Eleanor taught you to make it," she laughed before cutting another bite for herself with gusto.
"I'll take that as a compliment," Regina said, starting to feel impatient. "You were saying?"
Emma swallowed her second bite and wiped her mouth with a napkin and then sipping her wine. Regina was sure she was going to combust or pass out from anticipation of whatever Emma was about to say.
Emma took a deep breath, then took a sudden large gulp of wine before she finally spoke. "When I got out of the hospital and was delivered like a package to Ingrid's door, I was…broken. I'd been pulled away from a school that I loved, a town that felt more like home than anywhere I'd ever been before, and…" she trailed off, shyly gazing at Regina before going on, "my dream girl."
Regina's heart rate picked up, and she wanted to interrupt and ask her if she still felt that way, but kept silent and nodded, urging the blonde to continue.
"I was going to keep playing softball. Get a full ride scholarship, you know? I was going to keep cooking and keep trying to achieve my goals. And then he broke me down. I know I blamed you at the time, but it was him all along. It was always him.
"So, when I got to Ingrid's, I was a mess. I lashed out at her and her husband, snuck out, got deep into drugs and alcohol, skipped school…the essential cocktail for failure."
"Why, though?" Regina asked. "Why would you sabotage yourself like that?"
Emma was quiet for a moment, and they both ate in silence while she contemplated what to say to the question. "How did Henry and Cora react when they saw the picture of us in that magazine?"
Startled by the change in subject and wondering where Emma was going with this, Regina answered, "They were disappointed."
"In us?"
"In the magazine. Mother sued the whole company for it, and won. Did you know that?"
"I had heard, yes," Emma smirked.
Regina nodded and went on, "After everything…happened, and you were gone, I was inconsolable. I called every hospital, then every group home, then every school and beyond to try to find you. They hid you well, I'll give them that. But one day, Mother sat me down and handed me a tiny cedar box, intricately carved and beautiful."
"What is this, Mother?" Regina asked, wiping tears from her face and peering at the box curiously.
"Open it and you'll see," Cora said softly, sitting down next to her daughter and folding her hands in her lap. Regina reached forward and unlatched the box, lifting the lid, to reveal that it was full of pictures. Gingerly, she picked them up and began to look through them one by one.
They were all pictures of herself and Emma: The night of their fair "dates", prom, candid shots of them playing videogames (Regina's face was contorted in frustration in most of those) and helping Eleanor cook, even shots sneakily taken through the window as the girls sat outside on the swing or tended to the garden they had started. There were pictures of their movie nights, Emma with her Beetle, and finally…
The picture that Cora had taken the night of the book release party. Regina remembered it well: Emma had tickled her and forced her to laugh, and now she saw why Cora had kept it. She and Emma were beaming. They had locked eyes while Regina had been laughing and the amount of joy and love on their faces was clear as day.
"Mother…"
"If you thought I hadn't picked up on how you felt about each other, you weren't paying much attention," Cora quipped, crossing her arms. Regina glanced up at her in trepidation, only to see that her mother's face was filled with love and understanding. "It was not your fault, Regina," Cora said softly. "Loving Emma didn't cause this to happen. Loving her saved her life. And one day she'll see that."
Regina didn't relay her mother's exact message to Emma, but finished the story with "She was looking at me, so sad and more gently than she'd ever looked at me. And that's when I knew that she would love and accept me for who I am, no matter what."
Emma was nodding as she finished her meal and stood to rinse off her plate and refill their wine glasses. Regina watched her for a moment before standing and depositing her own plate into the sink. "Would you like to go into the living room for the rest of this conversation?" she asked. "My couch is much comfier than my kitchen chairs."
At Emma's nod of affirmation, Regina led her into the aforementioned room. When they had both settled on opposite ends of the couch, Regina crossed her legs and looked at Emma expectantly.
After a generous swig out of her glass, Emma crossed her own legs and leaned back into the cushions.
"I'm happy that your family accepted you," she murmured. "James….fuck."
Regina could see the pain cross Emma's face at the sound of her abuser's name and reached out, gently touching Emma's knee. "You don't have to talk about him," she whispered. Emma shook her head and held her hand out. "No, I have to. It's time."
"So, when he heard about it, saw it, he came unglued. Of fucking course he'd been drunk when he found out. I was upstairs, folding my laundry and getting ready for practice, when he burst into my room. He grabbed me by the arm, threw me against my desk, then dragged me to the floor and spit in my face. He was calling me all the worst things you can call a lesbian. I'm sure I don't have to list them for you to get it."
Regina shook her head silently, feeling sick to her stomach. She wasn't ready to hear this. Hearing about it made her want to kill James Nolan in all the worst ways. But she stayed quiet and let Emma continue.
"I don't remember much after that. I think I yelled and screamed at him, fought him. Landed a couple of good hits myself. At one point, his fist landed against my temple and I blacked out for a bit. Next thing I knew, I was being brought to by an EMT and being lifted onto a gurney. James was still screaming, telling them to get out of his house and let him deal with the 'fucking disgusting, piece of shit dyke' his wife had forced him to foster. The next person I saw was you, standing at the curb by your house with tears running down your face and your cell phone in hand. I knew immediately that it was you that had called them. And in my anger, in my pain, all I could think was that eventually he would have stopped, I'd have needed a couple days to hide away and maybe make up a lie about a car crash, and you had ruined my life by calling an ambulance and revealing James for what he was. Just a couple more months and I could have moved out, started my life. And it was over."
"You had broken bones, Emma," Regina snapped defensively, bristling at the accusation. "That's not something you could have just hidden."
Emma laughed. "Calm down, Mills," she said. "You wanted to know how I felt. What my story was. This is it. Let me go on and you'll have all your answers, okay?"
Regina nodded stiffly, leaning back into the couch and closing her mouth. Emma sighed and drank more wine before speaking again. "I had been beaten for being a lesbian," she whispered, "and before my caseworker dropped me off with Ingrid, she advised me to 'get over that phase or hide it' because not many parents would accept a gay kid. It was more than any foster wanted to take on. So, I took her advice."
Regina's eyes widened in horror as pieces of the puzzle finally started to fit together.
"Your son…" She trailed off, not sure if she could finish the sentence.
Emma nodded. "I used drugs and alcohol to numb the pain and the memories, and I slept with a lot of men to force myself to like it, so I could be normal."
With those words, Regina's heart shattered. Her eyes welled up with tears. "Emma," she whispered brokenly. Emma's own eyes were shining, but she flashed a smile. "My son…his father was just a random guy I hooked up with, six years ago. Don't know his name, don't think I'll ever see him again."
Regina's pulse had quickened again. "So…the man on the phone the other night?"
"Ingrid's brother, Wesley. See, Ingrid's husband passed away two years ago, so Wes comes around often to help us out with anything we need. He's great. I'm really, really lucky that I finally ended up with a good family."
"I'm happy for you," Regina said softly. "I'm just so sorry you went through all that. That you had to change yourself."
"It was worth it, I think," Emma said. "I love my son. He's what helped me get clean, helped me open my eyes. It was the first time I'd ever felt unconditional love. I knew he would love me no matter who I was, as long as I was a good person and a good mother. So with Ingrid and Wes's help, I got my GED, got a bachelor's in business, and together we bought that beachfront property and started the bar. Really, I owe my son so much. Without him, I might still be in a pit of despair somewhere. Happiest little surprise I ever received!" She laughed and Regina's lips twitched in understanding, before turning down into a frown. There was still two questions left.
"Why didn't you reach out to me sooner? Unlike you, I could be found easily. Speaking of being found, why could I never find you?"
Emma at least had the decency to look ashamed. "I had to change my name. Emily Hansen was the name they gave to me, and I didn't argue. I still went by Emma, or Em, but I legally changed it back about three years ago. Emily Hansen was a scared, angry drug addict. Emma Swan was this confident, happy person and I wanted her back. I know it's stupid…"
"It isn't," Regina interjected. Emma smiled at her, then continued. "I kept your cell phone number," she admitted. "I also wrote you letters. I never sent any of them, but I wrote them. The first few were so angry…and then some were written while I was nearly incoherent and high out of my mind. As time went on, they changed from angry and nearly unreadable to full of sadness, regret, memories…but I never sent one. It's like I was writing in a diary, except my diary was you, even though you'd never see the entries. I honestly can't tell you why I never called or wrote, why I never looked for you online…except that I was too ashamed of myself, of what I'd become and what I'd done, and I figured you'd never want to hear from me again. So the bar…naming it Queenie's was like an open invitation. If there was even a slight chance you were still in this part of Maine, you'd hear about it and make your own choice. And you did, and I'm glad.
"I am surprised though," she said suddenly. "Regina Mills, a lawyer. I always imagined you'd go on to be a professional saxophone player. Maybe put out a CD, play little jazzy joints and smoke fancy clove cigarettes on your balcony in SoHo. Something like that."
Regina smirked. The teenager she had been would have loved a life like that: simple and fulfilling and relaxed. The adult she had become, however, scoffed at the imagery. "I have never smoked cigarettes, nor lived in SoHo. Or wanted to."
Suddenly, Regina's cell phone rang. Glancing at it, she saw Milah's name flash on the screen. "I'm sorry," she said, picking it up and standing. "This is work, I have to take this."
"No worries," Emma said. Regina walked into the kitchen and answered the call. "What?" she demanded, her annoyance at being interrupted evident in her voice.
She listened to Milah tell her about how evidence was found against Regina's current client, meaning that Regina was about to lose her case. Anger flaring up in her, Regina spat, "And how on earth was this evidence obtained? Lloyd isn't the best person, but it should have been easy for him to obtain custody of his daughter."
"Yeah," Milah scoffed, sounding disgusted. "Except the fucker grew a goddamn conscience and confessed to being an alcoholic and abusing the now ex-wife before. He's been going to AA, but turns out, he's been using an extra credit card to purchase the drinks. He thought he covered his tracks, but they found the info. And he cracked...to the wife's lawyer's assistant in a fucking bar, who recorded the whole confession."
Regina's nostrils flared in fury. She thought she'd been defending a man with a small drinking problem due to stress. But abuse? "You tell that slimy little fungus that there is a price for not only diverting from my plans that I make using my extensive expertise, but for lying to me as well. My reputation will take a hit for this, but I vow on my father's name that Lloyd will have to relocate at least two thousand miles to comfortably show his face anywhere."
"Come tell him yourself. Only reason I know this is because he's at the bloody office right now, sniveling like a complete wanker."
Regina pinched the bridge of her nose. "I'm on the way."
After hanging up with her partner, Regina walked into the living room to see that Emma was on her feet, arms crossed uncomfortably. "You're different," she said, accusatorily. Regina held her hands out to the sides in a clear gesture of so what? "So are you," she said, stating the obvious. Emma shook her head violently and took a step back. "You not only became a lawyer, you became the worst kind."
"Excuse me?" Regina gasped in shock, not knowing where this was coming from. This was a jarring turn of events. "What on Earth are you talking about?"
Emma was shaking now, but whether in fear or anger, Regina couldn't be sure. Through gritted teeth, Emma growled, "I heard the whole conversation. You're a family and divorce lawyer. And you're defending an abusive alcoholic, being paid what I'm sure is a pretty penny to help him keep the daughter he probably beats. Is this who you are now?" she demanded, her voice rising an octave. "You're part of the problem! You've become one of those….those…people that allowed James Nolan to avoid doing hard time longer than six months! If they have money, you'll lie and cheat and swindle and build up your reputation as being the best of the best, for what? Does this job make you happy? Who are you?"
Regina was seeing red now. Emma only caught part of a terrible development in her case, and this is how she was going to react, without knowing the details? "How dare you stand in my home and accuse me of such things!" she shouted. "You disappeared for almost a decade, didn't bother to let me know you were even still on this planet, after I saved your ungrateful little life! Yet here you stand, after eating my food and begging for my time, accepting my hospitality, and you speak to me like I would ever sink so low as to do what you're accusing me of? You know nothing about me, Emma Swan. You're a fool to think otherwise."
Emma looked hurt, but defiant, and Regina stepped forward into her space, falling into "lawyer mode" and being as intimidating as she knew she could be. Holding direct eye contact with the blonde, Regina sneered, "You weren't the only one that lost their way after what James did. How selfish and childish of you to only think of yourself and not of how your sudden departure, not to mention your hiding away like some rat in the dark, scared of your own shadow and scared of your feelings for me affected me. But I'm not near as lost as you would like to think I am. I made something of myself almost immediately while you rolled with the pigs for years."
Emma's eyes flashed with offense and something deeper, maybe heartbreak, but when she opened her mouth to speak, Regina interrupted her. She couldn't stop the words from coming out. She was furious and she was stuck.
"You don't get to speak!" she growled, using a finger to poke Emma in the chest, pushing her back a little. "You already wasted both of our time with your petty excuse for a grand gesture of apology and forgiveness. I now have to go deal with this sudden pest control problem I'm having at my office. I'd like very much for you to get the hell out of my home."
Emma held her gaze for a moment longer, their eyes locked in heated combat. If looks could kill, they'd both be dead. Regina's lips were curled into a sneer and Emma's were a thin line of defiance and disappointment, and Regina wanted nothing more than for Emma to swing at her. She needed some release of all this tension, all of this pain and anger she hadn't even realized she'd been harboring.
However, Emma just turned away silently, collected their uneaten dessert from the kitchen, and stormed out of the apartment, one final sentence leaving her mouth as she did so:
"I'll just take this back home with me. Henry will be more grateful for my dessert than some uppity sleazeball lawyer I once thought was a good person."
When the door slammed shut behind her, Regina was left with the knowledge that she'd just shown Emma the worst part of what was now her personality: the take-charge, bitchy, insulting, intimidating lawyer on a power trip. But what had she expected? She accused Regina of something as heinous as protecting and defending an abuser, when she knew nothing of the situation. She hadn't meant to let herself lose control of her response, but she had. Emma had always been able to make her feel the strongest of every emotion…
Wait.
Regina's hand flew to her mouth as her brain cooled down and caught up to the most recent bombshell Emma had dropped:
"Henry?"