Author's Notes: Warning: Mentions of Cybertronian interfacing. It's not too graphic, but I figured I should still mention that in case there are sensitive readers in the audience. Now that that's out of the way, I am excited to post this new chapter because I feel it's more exciting than the first. This one focuses mostly on the present, but the past segment is still an important one for seeing how Bulkhead and Enamel began to grow apart as well as how she grew closer to one of Bulkhead's friends. Thank you guys so much for reading this story. I've gotten a lot of support for this fic, and for that I'm grateful. Hope you enjoy this chapter of Can't Look Back :)
Chapter 6
A Dream Deferred
The Present
Enamel stayed behind with Ratchet to prepare the medbay while the rest of the Autobots went to an energon mine for a raid. There had been a lot of Decepticon activity lately, and Enamel was concerned that Bulkhead or any one of them might come back injured...or not come back at all. It didn't help Enamel's stress levels that Miko had convinced the Autobots to allow her and the boys to go with them to the mine to explore.
The two medics busied themselves with placing tools in convenient locations and wiping off berths and other surfaces with washcloths. Ratchet sighed a few times, and Enamel sighed a few times. They were both clearly worried about their friends and trying not to think about it.
"Remind me again why they allowed the sparklings to go with them?" Enamel asked Ratchet in an accusatory tone of voice after a few minutes of silence between them.
"Who?" Ratchet asked uncomprehendingly.
"The sparklings! Miko, Jack, and Rafael. Remember?" Enamel snapped as she organized a few data pads that contained information on complex surgeries.
"Oh, the children!" Ratchet nodded in understanding, "Humans don't call their young sparklings."
"Miko could be killed," Enamel said in a low confrontational tone, "She is practically Bulkhead's daughter. How could they be allowed to go along on this mission?"
"It's just energon scouting," Ratchet reasoned, "There will most likely not even be any Decepticons present."
"You say that like it's a day out at the park," Enamel replied incredulously, "I know Miko is fast, but she is so tender and malleable. What if she falls from a high place or gets underfoot? What if she eats something that's dangerous to her kind? You know how curious she is!"
"By the Allspark, Enamel! She isn't a toddler!" Ratchet exclaimed when he couldn't take anymore of her complaining, "I don't like it either, but you try stopping her! She and the other children are curious beings. Apparently it's a common trait among humans."
"They are more than just organics, Doctor," Enamel said; her voice softer and less intense than before, "They are family. Do you not see the way Jack looks up to our Prime? He views Optimus as a role model. Rafael treats you like a wise mentor. He loves Bumblebee like a brother, and has even learned Cybertronian just to be as close to us as possible. That's not even mentioning Miko."
"Yes, well...you'll get used to them being around after a while," Ratchet groused, though there was slight amusement in his tone despite him pretending humans still bugged him.
"I looked up some information on Miko shortly after meeting her," Enamel informed him, "She's been arrested before back in Tokyo. She used spray paint to graffiti the wall of her school there. The students who turned her in stated that they were frightened of her because of her 'attitude problem'."
"I didn't know that," Ratchet replied quietly; stunned by the revelation.
"It is clear she is not that person anymore," Enamel said; her face having a thoughtful expression, "Bulkhead has done much to help Miko become a better person, that much I can tell. I just don't want him to forget that she is still vulnerable."
"You talk about Bulkhead like you still care about him," Ratchet noted, "Enamel, are you still in love with Bulkhead?"
"I don't have to answer that," Enamel replied curtly, "He is here, I am here, and we are making the best of our situation. Whatever I feel is irrelevant."
"You do still love him, don't you?" Ratchet inquired, though it was clear he already knew the answer.
/Ratchet!/ Optimus Prime's voice resonated over the computer's comm system, /We need a ground bridge, now!/
Ratchet wasted no time in pulling up a ground bridge and getting everyone back in time. Optimus Prime came through the portal with Bumblebee, the children, and Arcee. They were quickly followed by Bulkhead and a mech Enamel had never seen before. The new mech, white with green and red markings and head fins, looked badly injured but was still conscious.
"What did you two knuckleheads do this time?" Ratchet snapped when he saw Bulkhead trudging through the medbay with the other mech's arm over his shoulders.
"We were ambushed," Bulkhead explained.
"Yeah, place was crawling with 'Cons," The other mech added, "Nothin' one of these couldn't handle. Heh heh heh."
Enamel's optics went wide when she saw the mech was gently tossing and catching an explosive device in his servo.
"Bulkhead, who is this maniac?" Enamel demanded to know.
"That's Wheeljack!" Miko spoke up before Bulkhead could, "He and Bulk were both Wreckers together, and they're one of the best 'Con crushing teams around!"
"Great. Another friend of Bulkhead's," Enamel said sarcastically, "Alright, get him on the berth. Ratchet, will you need my assistance to repair this...mech?" She said instead of the insult she was actually thinking.
"No, you just repair the fuel lines in Bulkhead's right arm. I'll take care of Wheeljack," Ratchet replied in a longsuffering tone of voice.
"Say Bulk, what's with the fussy femme?" Wheeljack asked before he sat down on the berth for Ratchet to repair him.
"That's Enamel," Bulkhead explained, "She's my ex."
"Ouch! Good luck, big guy!" Wheeljack chuckled before wincing at a painful loose wire in his leg.
Enamel led Bulkhead to another berth and began deftly working on his arm. She didn't say anything to him while she worked, but Bulkhead could tell she was fuming mad at him for some reason. He debated with himself whether to ask about it or simply to let her work and forget it.
"You shouldn't take Miko out on missions like that," Enamel finally said; forcing Bulkhead to have to deal with this, "She could've been hurt, especially with a loose cannon like that Wheeljack person running around."
"Jackie's my friend!" Bulkhead replied defensively.
"They're all your friends until they're not," Enamel said bitingly, "Most of the time I never even bothered learning their names. You've made so many friends over the vorns, and you'll undoubtedly make more. It's who you are."
"You say it like it's a bad thing," Bulkhead commented sourly.
"No, it's not a bad thing," Enamel admitted with a sigh, "It just made me feel left out. I was in your life long before Wheeljack, yet you were ready to take his side over mine. And why? Because he's your friend. You've had hundreds of friends. The word means very little to you, and yet I mean even less."
Bulkhead didn't reply. He knew Enamel had just been concerned about him and was taking out her emotional stress on him. It was what she used to do when they were bonded. It was also one reason why he left her.
"How did you even get this injury?" Enamel asked as she soldered his fuel lines back together, "This looks like heat damage."
"Breakdown held my arms back while Knockout prodded me with his shock stick," Bulkhead explained bitterly.
Enamel gasped and dropped her tools when she heard him say that.
"What happened next? Did you hurt them?" Enamel asked in concern.
"Them?" Bulkhead balked, "You're worried about the 'Cons? Oh wait, I know what this is. You were worried I might hurt Breakdown, weren't you? You're still pining over that waste of energon, aren't you!?"
"What? No! Of course not!" Enamel exclaimed offendedly, "I just wanted to know what happened! Not everything is about you and your over-inflated ego!"
"Why can't you just admit you liked him?" Bulkhead yelled, and the others in the room turned to see what was going on, "Do you think I'm stupid or something?"
"Yes, but that has nothing to do with your accusations," Enamel snapped back, "If you want your arm fixed go see Ratchet about it! You can rust for all I care!"
Enamel then stormed out of the room and slammed the door to her quarters. It was an automatic sliding door so they didn't quite know how she managed to slam it, but she did.
Bulkhead snorted angrily as he sat there and waited for Ratchet to finish with Wheeljack before getting to him. Of all the things for her to ask him, it had to be about Breakdown! Well, when he was done with his repairs he was giving her a piece of his processor, and this time she was going to listen!
It had taken 45 minutes for Ratchet to get to Bulkhead, and another 10 minutes for repairs. In that time Bulkhead still hadn't cooled off, and he was ready to find out once and for all why Enamel was denying her involvement with his rival.
He stomped through the hallway leading to her room and banged on the door with all his might. He knew he was probably being too aggressive, but he didn't care; he was mad and she was avoiding him. Oddly enough the door opened for him immediately, and Bulkhead strode into the room to see Enamel was standing by her berth and waiting for him to speak.
"Why can't you just tell me the truth?" Bulkhead growled; trying with all his might to control his volume.
"Why can't you tell me the truth?" Enamel shot back calmly, "You still want me. If you didn't then you wouldn't care if someone else possessed me."
"That has nothing to do with any of this!" Bulkhead shouted, "I want-!"
"Hush!" Enamel barked back in a whisper, and then drew Bulkhead closer to her by grabbing his scruff bar with her slender digits, "Shh, no more words. You want something from me? Just shut up and take it, wrecking ball."
To say Bulkhead was surprised by the turn this was taking would be an understatement. Enamel pulled Bulkhead close, rubbed her body against his, and then flung Bulkhead onto her berth and jumped on top of him! He couldn't remember a time when she was that strong, and it was a little disconcerting. He felt her trying to pry away his chassis armor, and he threw her off of him and onto the floor!
"Are you crazy!?" Bulkhead yelled; more than a little flustered.
"You want me, don't you? That's what this is all about, isn't it?" Enamel asked; her tone still confrontational but her optics flaring with lust.
"So you want to interface with me to prove you didn't sleep with Breakdown? That doesn't prove anything! This means nothing!" Bulkhead shouted as he gestured to the room with his arm.
"I'm glad we're in agreement," Enamel said bluntly.
She then layed down on her berth and her chassis armor automatically retracted; revealing her protoform, a few internal wires, and her thrumming spark. Bulkhead took one look at her like that and involuntarily shivered with excitement. She smirked at him, and he gulped reflexively; trying to remember what they had been talking about.
"Oh come on, Enamel! This isn't fair!" Bulkhead exclaimed shakily as he watched her stretch out and saw the crackle of her spark reacting to the motion.
"Come on, wrecking ball," Enamel whispered in a seductive voice, "We both want to forget this day. Let's forget everything and just enjoy each other."
Bulkhead wasn't made of stone. He couldn't resist Enamel, who despite her age still looked like a pristine heiress. He climbed into the berth with her, and their sparks connected as if they had been waiting for each other for the centuries they had been apart. Bulkhead had almost forgotten about the warmth of her plating, the taste of her glossa, the feel of her servos exploring his frame, and the glow of her black and yellow optics. It was a perfect moment, and one he hoped to experience again soon.
The next morning no one could figure out why Bulkhead wore such a large grin on his face plate. They remembered that he had been angry the day before, but then when they next saw him he was whistling a happy tune and looked like nothing had ever been wrong with him. Even when Enamel woke up he was friendly towards her and any resentment seemed to have been forgotten.
"Enamel," Optimus called out to the red and gold femme, "I need to discuss something with you."
"Of course sir, what do you need?" Enamel asked in a professional tone.
"You have been awake on this planet for a while now, but you have yet to leave the base," Optimus told her, "In order to blend in with the humans and drive wherever you need to go you need a vehicle mode. One of the children may accompany you to aid in your decision."
"Ooh, ooh! I wanna go! I wanna go!" Miko called out hopefully.
"Well, you do seem to have a good sense of direction," Enamel replied as she pretended to ponder the choice, "Alright Miko, take me someplace good. I want an alt mode that would make the racers of old weep with jealousy."
"Remember, the point is to fit in," Arcee reminded her, "Don't pick a mode that would be easily noticed."
"No offense dear, but what's the point of having a body nobody notices?" Enamel asked in a snarking tone, "Not that you would know, shiny blue motorcycle."
Arcee scowled at how blunt Enamel's words were. She, like all the other Autobots, had seen the judgmental and reserved side of Enamel. They weren't used to the vain and flashy side of the former elite. Bulkhead, on the other servo, just chuckled at how she was acting. He remembered how she would spend joors in front of the mirror at home and how often she polished her frame. It was just like old times for him, including all the good things those old times came with.
Miko and Enamel ground bridged to a new car lot in Jasper, Nevada. It was twilight on a Saturday morning, and the lot wasn't open yet. The selection wasn't great, but at least there was variety.
"Ooh, how about this one? It looks really powerful!" Miko exclaimed excitedly as she pointed to a Hummer and jumped up and down like a kid in a toy store.
"Powerful isn't really my strong suit," Enamel replied apologetically, "Besides, that design would make me look bulky."
"Alright, how about this pick-up truck?" Miko suggested as she ran over to a large black truck.
"No thank you. Too Ironhide," Enamel dismissed the vehicle with a wave of her servo, "Oh, this looks promising."
Enamel then walked over to a red 2012 Buick LaCrosse sedan. She inspected every inch of the car from hubcaps to grill, all the while humming and nodding. Finally she stood upright once again and said "Yes, this will do nicely."
"That?" Miko asked in disbelief, "But that's a total mom car!"
"Yes, but it's a fancy mom car," Enamel said with a smirk.
Enamel then scanned the car with a pale green light built into her optics. Once the scan was complete she transformed into an exact duplicate of the Buick, with the only noticeable difference being Enamel's golden grill and rims.
"What do you say, youngling? Want to go for a ride?" Enamel offered as she opened the driver's seat door for Miko.
"Cool!" Miko exclaimed as she hopped in, "Let's drive down the cliffs!"
"Um, I'm going to go with no," Enamel snarked, "I'm just going to drive us back to the base so Ratchet doesn't have to waste energy powering the ground bridge again."
"Aaw," Miko sulked.
Enamel chuckled at the girl's antics. Ah, to have a youngling in her alt mode again. She hadn't felt this happy since her own son was Miko's (mental) age.
"You really are the fun police, you know that?" Miko griped.
"Yes, I know, and I'm not upset by that," Enamel replied as she took off (at the exact speed limit) down the road and back to the base.
When the two females made it back to the base Miko went straight for the video game that Jack and Raf were already playing. Enamel was so busy looking up at the girl that she almost walked into Bulkhead.
"Oh, I apologize for the- What is that?" Enamel asked flatly after actually taking a good look at Bulkhead.
Bulkhead was holding a large plant in his servo with lots of dirt falling out of its roots. She looked it up online, and found out it was called a mimosa tree. It looked just like a green bouquet with pink flowers.
"I picked this for you, sweet spark," Bulkhead replied with a warm smile as he pushed the bouquet of tree into her servos, "I remember you liked the color pink."
"Yes, I do, but...Bulkhead, what are you doing?" Enamel stammered in bewilderment.
"I just wanted to get you something nice," Bulkhead replied with the youthful excitement Enamel had seen in Miko a half hour earlier, "You know, now that we're back together."
"We're not back together," Enamel said bluntly.
"But you...we just-!" Bulkhead choked; at a loss for words.
"We interfaced Bulkhead, but you were the one who said it meant nothing," Enamel reminded him, "And you were right. It meant nothing."
"Are you fragging kidding me!?" Bulkhead snapped; his emotions somewhere between confusion and outrage, "But then why-!"
"Because I wanted to," Enamel shrugged before placing the tree gently on a counter, "You are the only mech I've ever interfaced with in my entire life, and you know how I am, Bulkhead. I like familiarity. I was amorous, and you were available. If you ever need me to relieve you sometime, then you are free to ask me, but don't expect a permanent relationship from me. We tried that once, and I don't regret it, but I won't bond with you again. I'm sorry if this hurts you."
Bulkhead didn't even try to stop her as she walked away. He was dumbfounded by what had just happened. Enamel had done many things to him in the past, but she had never used him like this before. He didn't know what their relationship was now, but he knew one thing; she had betrayed him. Whether or not she had ever fragged Breakdown didn't matter anymore. She had still betrayed his trust.
The Past
He forgot again. It was their 300 vorn anniversary and Bulkhead forgot again! Enamel knew he had trouble remembering dates and she would normally forgive such an infraction, but tonight she returned home from the plate clinic and had seen that her house was full of raucous laughter and many mechs. She had assumed those were party guests for their anniversary. She had assumed that Bulkhead would remember an anniversary as important as this one, but he didn't.
Enamel went inside and found that it was just Bulkhead's buddies from his construction team at work getting overcharged with him as they watched the gladiatorial fights on the broadcast screen. She sighed when she came through the door, and no one even noticed she had entered. She decided to be quiet as she snuck into the fuel room. If Bulkhead heard her come in he'd ask her to get them some high grade, and she would probably throw something at him in white hot frustration.
Bulkhead's high grade habits were getting to be a problem. They could barely afford the electric bill, yet he insisted on buying high grade along with their regular energon. He would even buy it for his friends! Enamel growled when she thought about how many credits he wasted. It had actually gotten to the point where she started lying about how much money she earned so she could put some away in case something happened.
With Bulkhead's job it would be very easy for him to be killed in an accident or injured, and injured members of the lower caste were usually killed by their superiors for their uselessness. It didn't matter who was waiting for them at home or if they were technically free mechs. Everyone in the low castes was a slave to the council.
Enamel needed to get her processor off such grim thoughts, so she started washing used cubes. Many Cybertronians had taken to using disposable cubes, but Enamel preferred the classy look and solid feel of a real glass cube.
She growled again. These weren't even cubes she had dirtied! These belonged to Bulkhead and his processor-dead friends! Most of them leered at her when she went by the construction site these days. 300 vorns of diligently driving to the same workplace to deliver Bulkhead's rations didn't matter when the mechs were so quickly replaced. Most of the mechs Enamel had met when she first started dating Bulkhead had either died or were fired. She didn't know most of them now, and she no longer wanted to know them. After so much time of disillusionment she no longer wanted to be a part of Bulkhead's world outside of their home.
The door to the fueling room opened, and Enamel was startled by the sudden intrusion. She quickly turned around and saw it was one of Bulkhead's friends; Breakdown. She was relieved that she at least recognized this one, but she really wished the overcharged lout would get out of her fueling room.
"Do you need something, Breakdown?" Enamel asked coldly; hoping he would take the hint and leave.
"I heard you in here, and I was wondering if I could talk to you about something," Breakdown said in a surprisingly small and sober voice given his usual boisterous nature.
Enamel sighed in an effort to calm herself down and try to stay civil to the mech. He was one of the few that wasn't a massive creep around her, and she didn't want to make him feel completely unwelcome despite her bad orn.
"What is it, Breakdown?" Enamel asked in a gentler tone of voice than she used a moment before.
"Well, I know you're a plate surgeon, and I've heard investors talk about you when they appraise the lands we build on," Breakdown said nervously as he twiddled his thumbs and stared at the ground, "Everybody says you're the best there is when it comes to cosmetic surgery, and I was wondering...will you teach me?"
"Teach you what?" Enamel asked uncomprehendingly.
"Ma'am, I've been a demolitions mech since the orn I onlined," Breakdown tried to explain, "I hate it so much. The hours are long, the other workers tease me because I get scared easily by higher caste mechs watching us, and I'm always needing to have my arms replaced because my hammers constantly break on the hard metals we work with. Enamel, I don't want to be a glorified hammer for the rest of my life. I want to be a medic. Even an medic's assistant would be good. Could you teach me medicine, please? I'll pay you for the lessons."
"You can't afford it," Enamel shot him down quickly, "If you want this don't say you'll pay me, because a real degree costs tens of thousands of credits. That's how they keep low caste mechs out of university. You could never be a medic, because that requires a degree in cybernetics and also a degree in anatomical composition. There are also the optional degrees that determine one's specialty, such as my degree in frame history and my elective in Iaconian art."
"Oh, okay," Breakdown replied defeatedly as he hung his helm, "Sorry I wasted your time. I'll go back in there with the guys. The fight's probably back on anyway."
Breakdown turned to leave, and Enamel felt a pain in her spark for this poor mech. She was so used to seeing complacency in the lower caste that the idea of a mech trying to better himself had simply never occurred to her. Yet here he was, and she had just dashed his dreams with a few biting comments.
"Wait!" Enamel found herself calling out to him before she could stop herself, "You cannot be a medic or a surgeon, but it is possible to become an assistant without a degree. Most assistants are built in The Well for that specific purpose and have frames much smaller and more delicate than yours, but if you had enough knowledge then it might be possible."
"Really?" Breakdown perked up when he heard that.
"Now understand that this will not be easy," Enamel elaborated in a firm tone of voice, "Because of your unconventional frame you will have to work harder than any member of the medical caste. You will need to have medic-level knowledge, and still you will only be paid the wages of an assistant. Most clinics won't want to hire you. You may have to move to a city with less priviledge than Iacon. A place like Kaon or Polyhex might accept an assistant that looks like you. Are you really sure you want this though? It would be easier to simply accept your lot in life."
"Hey, nothing worth doing is easy!" Breakdown exclaimed as he pounded his fists together gamely, "Teach me everything you know, Doc. I'm ready."
"Not now. Come by my clinic tomorrow and I will let you observe me work with my patients," Enamel said with a small smile, "Might as well start with some in-depth training. You won't actually get to do anything at first, but I will quiz you on the day's events so pay attention."
"You got it, boss!" Breakdown replied cheerfully before he left the room to rejoin his friends.
Enamel sighed again, this time in a more wistful manner than before as she thought about what she was doing. She was going to try to turn a hammer into a scalpel. This already seemed like a bad idea, but he just looked so eager and excited to learn. She understood now why so many old medics became professors late in life.
"Oh well," Enamel sighed as she shook her helm, "Happy anniversary to me, and thanks for nothing Bulkhead."