Chapter 2-
Demelza and Hannah seemed to do well for the first week or so after the birth. The use of a milky rag aided in the feeding of the baby and even Ross saw fit to help in this area. A few times during the night he would let Demelza sleep and he would get up to feed Hannah. As he held her during these times, he seemed to search her face for some sort of solid confirmation that she was his daughter. As the days passed she seemed to change, her features a blend of her mother, with light eyes and a bright smile and, he had to admit, him. The dark hair stayed and seemed to start to take on a thickness that resembled his. Yet his heart still didn't say that she was his child but he wondered if it was his mind overtaking his heart. For in truth, he saw no trace of Hugh Armitage in this child's face. When she looked at him, with her mother's eyes, all Ross saw was Demelza. That should be enough and he vowed to try and let this shadow fade. That all changed when Hannah was just over a month old.
Demelza by this time was almost back to her old self which was a blessing and eased Ross's mind. She was up and about doing small chores around the house, spending more time with Jeremy and Clowance and their lessons and of course, tending Hannah. Ross had forbidden her from doing any farm work at all, which she bristled at but did not fight. The center of her attention was her family, specifically the children. Ross was stunned, however, that she did not hover over Hannah as he expected, knowing that she was still frail. She seemed to live by the notion that all was well and that whatever fate would hand them they would deal with. Demelza loved her no more than their other children and the issue that lingered in the background was left there. It seemed there was no need to discuss anything related to Hugh Armitage or is the impact on their lives. That changed one gray February day.
Hannah was in her cradle in the parlor, lying contently and cooing softly. She still didn't have the strength to cry with the usual gusto a baby her age would but still, she made her presence known. Demelza was at the table helping Jeremy with his numbers when she realized that the cradle seemed unusually still. At first, she thought nothing of it, but then a sinking feeling washed over her. Something was amiss. She ran to the small bed and saw her daughter seemingly asleep but when Demelza picked her up her head lolled to one side and her body fell limp.
"Ross! Prudie!" she yelled.
She shook the child and held her to her breast hoping the contact with her skin would warm her. There was nothing. She collapsed on the floor cradling her daughter, murmuring under breath, "no, no, no."
"ROSS!" she screamed this time, sending Jeremy flying out of the room in fear.
Ross came running in with Prudie at his heels, Jeremy in her arms.
"Demelza? What is it?" he said as he came up beside her and fell to his knees next to her.
"Oh, Ross. Something's wrong. Our daughter, Ross," she cried, leaning into him for some sort of support. "Not again."
"Prudie, send for Dwight!" he ordered.
Ross took the child from her arms and tried to revive her. He had watched Dwight that day of the mining accident when he rubbed fallen miners chests to stimulate them. He thought that might work on Hannah as well. He gently held her in one arm, while making circular motions with his fist on her chest. The child just laid there. Demelza was weeping next to him, watching as he tried to save their daughter but knew in her heart it was not to be. She was gone.
Her tears subsided as she rose to her knees and took the lifeless body of her child out of his arms. Ross sat there, staring, unsure what to do. Another daughter gone, he thought. How will Demelza cope? How will I? Presently he heard her speaking to the little girl.
"Oh, my precious. I hope this means that heaven needed another angel for I surely do not want to part with you otherwise. I've not had you long enough but I hope I was a good mother while you were with us. Papa and I will miss you," she said, her sobs easing as her voice became stronger. She rocked the baby in her arms, humming a familiar tune that Ross had heard for years. She had sung it to all the children at one time or another. It was the song she was singing when he fell in love with her. Now she was singing it as a dirge for their lost child. Ross moved to sit next to her when Dwight ran in.
"Demelza! Give me the child!" he commanded. He bent down and practically tore the child from Demelza's arms as Ross held her. She wept softly into his shirt.
"Ssh my love, let Dwight do what he can," Ross said into her ear as he rocked her trying to calm her down. He knew it was no use.
Dwight took the baby to the table and tried to blow air into her lungs to revive her. It appeared as if he were abusing the child as he turned her over, rubbed her back, and slapped her between the shoulders. He was doing anything he could to get the child to come back. After few minutes, he put Hannah down and wrapped her back in the blanket. Dwight walked her back to her cradle and placed her down gently.
"I'm so sorry," he said, his voice cracking. "There was nothing I could do. Her lungs were just too weak despite all we've done."
Demelza let out another cry and this time Ross joined her. Dwight could do nothing but watch and sympathize for his friends. He left them alone to grieve and went off to find Prudie so he could tell her what had happened. He found her upstairs with the children and broke the news. The older woman cried as did Dwight now that he was out of earshot of Ross and Demelza. In the parlor, the parents held on to each other just as they had done almost seven years prior when Julia had died.
"My love," Ross said hoping to get Demelza's attention. "Demelza? Please, my love, it will be alright. I promise it will be alright."
Ross tried to sound strong but he was far from it. Not only was he hurting for Demelza and the loss of a child, he was also sad for the fact that this innocent being left this world without a father's true love. And that was his guilt to bear. How could he help Demelza through her mourning when he wasn't sure he deserved to do so? He had to tell her what had been on his mind and but was now the time? He should have done it months ago. She was already upset but he couldn't go on without telling her. First, he would talk to Dwight about possibly giving Demelza something to calm her nerves before they talked but also to get her through the next few days.
"Demelza? Come here and sit down my love. I'll get you a port and then find Dwight so we can…" he didn't finish the sentence. "I'll just go find Dwight."
She nodded absently as he led her to the seat. One she seemed settled, he handed her a glass and left to find Dwight. Bounding up the stairs, he saw him in Jeremy's room, sitting with the child on his bed. His son was crying. He hoped it wasn't because Dwight told him of his sister's death. The children were too young, he thought, to understand what happened.
"Dwight," Ross called as he entered the room. He walked to his son's bed and sat down as the boy threw himself into his arms.
"Papa, Uncle Dwight said Hannah had to leave. Why? Was it because I was naughty to her?" the little boy said between sobs.
"No, my boy. You did nothing. Your sister was just too small that's all. She wasn't strong like you or Clowance. So the angels took her to be with them."
Ross tried to explain in terms that his son would understand but he wasn't sure this was working. That was until Jeremy's sob turned to sniffles.
"You must be brave for Mama. Can you do that?" Ross asked.
The child nodded. "Yes Papa," he said.
Jeremy crawled out his father's lap and back under the covers as Ross turned to Dwight who gave him a reassuring smile. Ross tucked his son in and gave him a kiss on the head.
"Prudie, stay with Jeremy until he falls asleep. Call us if you need us."
"Yes Cap'n," she said weakly.
The enormity of what had happened hit the older woman hard. She had come to love the kitchen maid as if she were her own daughter so to see her go through this kind of pain, again, was almost too much.
With that Ross got up and joined Dwight in the doorway. He thought now was the time to talk about what had been bothering him and whether he should broach the subject with Demelza. For the first time, Ross was ready to confront a difficult issue and put it to rest. He just hoped that he wasn't about to make a complete and utter fool of himself but he knew that Demelza was more important than his pride.
"Dwight, I need to talk to you about something. Privately. Without Demelza. Can you come with me?"
"Of course," Dwight replied.
Ross led him down the hall to his and Demelza's room and shut the door. Ross saw the cradle in the room and his heart broke a little more. He would have to remove it before Demelza saw it and made a mental note to do so. He stood by the window looking out at his estate, seeing his mine in the distance trying to decide how he was going to open the conversation.
"Ross, what is going on? Clearly, something has been troubling you."
Dwight saved him the trouble by starting the dialogue himself. Turning around Ross stared at his friend as he looked for the right words.
"What makes you say that?"
"I've known you a long time and I can see that you are not yourself. And it is nothing to do with Hannah's death."
Ross couldn't deny it any longer. The strain of these thoughts was becoming too much and the truth could be no worse than that.
"Yes and no. It is to do with Hannah but not her death. Something has been plaguing me but until today I didn't know how to talk about it."
Dwight said nothing but took a seat on the end of the bed and waited for Ross to explain.
"You can trust me with anything Ross. It's clear that something's been weighing on you for a while. Demelza was worried about something as well but I was able to relieve her of any concerns months ago. I have a feeling what you are worried about is the same thing."
Again Ross looked at his friend and wondered how he could be so astute. Perhaps it was that they knew each other for so long or worse, he heard rumors.
"And what would that be?" Ross asked, nervous for the answer
"Hannah," Dwight said simply.
"What about Hannah?"
"Do you want me to say it? Alright. You're worried that Hannah is -–or was-not your child. Isn't that right?"
Now Ross needed to sit down and he did so at Demelza's vanity, grabbing hold of the chair.
"Yes."
The response was so low Dwight wasn't sure he heard correctly. It was as he thought. Ross had the same doubt as Demelza but not the courage to discuss it with her.
"I see. And I gather you have not said anything to Demelza about this have you?"
Dwight's tone was not as sympathetic as Ross hoped but then again should he expect any sympathy? He was sure that his friend had a notion about what had transpired years ago between him and Elizabeth but propriety and friendship stopped him from sharing those thoughts. Ross was glad about that. Now when the indiscretion was Demelza's, Dwight was again tactful in his handling of it but it was clear from his questions that he knew about this for a long time. Had Demelza told him something?
"Dwight why would you ask me that question? What has Demelza told you about Hannah?" Ross said. His mood shifted from feeling sorry for himself to anger if it turned out that Demelza had confided in Dwight and not him.
"I'm a physician Ross. I can't divulge what I discuss with a patient. Suffice it to say that Demelza was uneasy about the due date of the child but I put that down to typical motherly concerns.
Ross accepted Dwight's explanation because it made total sense. But what he needed to know was why Hannah was born so soon. Was it just stress? Was something wrong with Demelza that he should know about? Or was it something else? Ross could not believe he was thinking these things about the woman he's loved for so long. Lately, however, he wasn't sure he even knew that woman considering her behavior around Hugh Armitage. So he began to think that anything was possible.
"Dwight? Can you at least tell me why you think Hannah was born early? Or was she? Demelza thought she was to be born in February. Was that the case?"
Ross was insistent now that Dwight gives him some answers.
"Ross, haven't you spoken to Demelza at all about this pregnancy?"
"I couldn't talk to her about this," Ross admitted.
"Why not? She's your wife and the mother of your child. After all you've been through you would go through this alone? "
Dwight was now the one angered as he rose and walked around the room. He had often admired Ross and owed him his own life, but this was a side of his friend he didn't like. In fact, he wanted to knock some sense into him for even having thoughts as these.
Ross watched as his friend circled the room to come back and stand in front of him. The doctor looked down at him and Ross saw that he was simmering with fury. He stood to face him.
"Dwight, please! Just tell me," Ross pleaded.
Not feeling any sympathy for Ross, Dwight told him the truth as he knew it.
"Hannah was your child, Ross. Demelza was right in thinking that she should have been born the first week of February as we calculated her conception around the later part of May."
Dwight let that sink in and he could see Ross's mind spinning going back almost nine months to last spring. He remembered that they were happy then without any thought of the past, Hugh Armitage or anything else. It was just them. He, Demelza, Jeremy, and Clowance, building a family and a home. In those days they had shared their bodies nightly, giving and taking of each other; the connection between them stronger than before. Or so he thought. At the time he felt a warmth from Demelza that was deeper than ever. Not since their first reconciliation after his night with Elizabeth had the bond between them been as passionate and genuine. He put it down to them finally getting past what had happened and moving into their future. Ross didn't equate that with anything having to do with her friendship with Hugh Armitage. Now to think that their daughter was conceived during this time of renewed love and faith and that her premature birth was just that, a twist of fate, nothing more, made his heart sink.
"Dwight, you're sure?" Ross said.
The realization of what was the truth and what he'd done felt as if someone had kicked him in the stomach. His hands felt clammy and he started to shake, his body reacting to the news while his mind sorted through it.
"Yes, Ross. Are you telling me you've been acting like an ass because you thought Demelza had…"
Dwight couldn't finish the sentence. Of course, he knew that something occurred between Demelza and Armitage. He had been around to see the growing closeness between Demelza and the lieutenant so when Demelza asked questions about the dates, he put the two together. Besides, Caroline had hinted as something as well, but he knew that the lieutenant fathering Demelza's child was out of the question.
"You're a fool, Ross!"
Ross lifted his head at this comment and just stared at his friend.
"What do mean? Didn't I have cause to think it? Didn't Demelza tell you what happened when she came to you with concerns about her condition? So why are you acting surprised that I should question the legitimacy of the child?"
"Because if you hadn't been so stubborn and actually spoke to your wife about your fears about what might have transpired between her and the lieutenant she would have told you what I told her," Dwight said.
Now Ross's eyes widened. It was clear Dwight had some other information about the situation that he was holding back.
"Why? What could Demelza tell me?"
"She'd tell you that Hugh Armitage was incapable of fathering children. The illness he came home from France with was a virus that left lingering effects. He was not able to have children Ross. There was no possibility, no matter what he and Demelza might have shared, for him to be Hannah's father. She was your child."
Ross said nothing. There was nothing to say. He could not go to Demelza now or perhaps ever. He would have to live with the guilt of what he hadn't done over the course of the past year. And that was to love his wife and child, without reservation or question. The tears fell silently. Dwight did the only thing he could think of and that was put his arm around his friend and let him mourn.
Hannah Mary Poldark was buried in the same churchyard as her sister and ancestors. Another Poldark headstone would go up for another Poldark taken too soon. Ross watched as the congregants left to go back to the house, thanking them as they passed. Dwight, Caroline, and Prudie were at Nampara to prepare things leaving him and Demelza alone to say a final goodbye to their daughter. Ross stood a few steps away from his wife as she laid sprigs of holly on the fresh mound of soil. His heart ached for the child he lost and for his wife. She had been unusually quiet in the days following Hannah's death. Ross had expected her to be somber but this was something more. As they made the arrangements with the church, she offered no opinion on the services or what should follow. She let Ross make the decisions with Caroline's help. Demelza focused on her other children and the household. At night, when Ross tried to talk to her in bed, their usual place to discuss family matters, she turned her back to him. He knew that she was not sleeping as he felt the bed shake with the force of her weeping. He reached for her during these nights and she let him wrap his arm around her, but gave no other sense that she wanted more. Ross knew that her body was still recovering from Hannah's birth as well, yet not even a good night kiss was shared between them. He attributed that to general mourning and the feeling of loss. Little did he know that his wife was well aware of the thoughts that plagued him about their daughter. The conversation he had wanted to have with her forgotten. Until this moment.
"Did you really think Hannah was not your child?"
The question came as Demelza rose from kneeling at the grave. Her voice was quiet but strong. She kept her back to him, her eyes looking down at the cold ground where the tiny coffin was buried. Ross was unprepared for having this discussion at all, let alone today. As Demelza turned around to face him he saw that she was ready. Her blue eyes were cold, void of any brightness they normally reflected. The appeared to be challenging him and knowing his wife as he did, he knew she would not retreat until this was settled. While he hated to do it now, perhaps now was as good a time as any. Perhaps they could bury all of the past with their daughter.
"Didn't you?" Ross paused. "Dwight told me you were unsure yourself at first."
"You're right, I was. My heart told me that the child I was carrying was ours. Dwight just confirmed that. The truth is Ross, that I could never keep a secret like that from you. No matter the consequences," she said.
Demelza didn't move from her place next to the grave. She clutched her cloak closer to her body and waited for Ross to speak.
"Really Demelza? Have you been honest with me about your infatuation with Hugh Armitage?"
She didn't flinch or seem intimidated by his question. Demelza knew this was building for a long time. She thought with Hugh's death that the questions, doubts, and insecurities would go with him. For her they did. For Ross, it seems they've been festering, like a boil, waiting to be lanced.
"What do you mean Ross?"
"How far did your relationship progress?"
Now he was the firm one, standing his ground, waiting for an answer. Ross could see she was ready for this discussion even if he was not. Demelza straightened her back and moved closer to him.
"Are you asking if Hugh made love to me?"
"Yes," Ross replied.
He was not quite sure he was ready for the answer but took a step closer to her as well. They now face to face, their breaths mingling in the cold January air.
"Then yes, he did."
He was gutted. He didn't believe it could be true until she said it. And even now he was disbelieving. Demelza saw his reaction but felt no sympathy, so she went on to explain.
"It was only once. I didn't plan it and didn't chase after it, unlike you and Elizabeth. And also unlike your antic with Elizabeth, it made me love you more."
Ross snorted out a laugh at her last statement.
"How could letting another man have you lead to loving me more, Demelza?"
His tone was harsh, bordering on cruel. Demelza was not intimidated.
"It made me see that what we had was so rich and full that sharing it with another human being, someone who did not have long to live, helped my love for you grow. I came to see that by giving love, I appreciated the love I had even more. You could not say that after your night with Elizabeth, could you? In fact, it took you a long while to decide it was me you loved, didn't it?"
There was that challenge again. He was speechless.
"Ross," she called, her voice low.
"Demelza, I can't," he said as he started to walk away.
"Can't what? Look at me? Now you know how I felt those years ago."
Now the tears came. She held them back no longer and let them flow down her cheeks.
"Why are we doing this today Ross? The day of our daughter's burial?"
She again pulled the cloak closed around her and wept. Ross stood apart not wanting to reach for her, but could not hold back. He came to her and gathered her in his arms, letting her tears fall on him.
"How Demelza? How did this happen? Help me to understand," he said.
Demelza pulled away from him to look into his eyes, her tears subsiding. For the first time, she saw the same hurt that she felt after his encounter with Elizabeth. It was never her intention to put him through that but if he did experience that kind of pain, perhaps he could comprehend how they came to be in this place.
"Let's walk home Ross. People will be expecting us. It's not right for our friends to host the reception for our daughter."
She was again full of common sense and practicality. She linked her arm through his and they started the trek home. When they were out of the church grounds she turned to look at him. Ross kept his gaze forward towards the path ahead. Demelza didn't make a move to change that because she knew Ross well enough that this detached stance would make whatever she said easier for him to hear.
"For months, almost a year, after you promised to treat me as a true wife, and partner you again started to leave me out. With Hugh, it was the case of a young man, grateful to be alive…"
"Because I rescued him," Ross interrupted as he looked down at her as they stood on the cliff overlooking the sea.
"Yes, Ross because of you. He never forgot that. Nor did I. But he spoke to me, Ross. He asked my opinion. He sent me letters and poems full of loving thoughts. He worshiped me, so he said. And held me up as the ideal woman, almost untouchable."
She paused, her tears returning but gentler this time. She made no move to wipe them away and for the first time, neither did he. She was disappointed but continued.
"The flattery was lovely Ross. I'd never been courted before."
Ross knew this was the truth so of course, her head would be turned by such things. In the past, he was worried about men like Sir Hugh Bodrugan and Malcolm McNeil. Not seriously but just enough to be annoying. Never in his life did he think when he brought the young naval officer back from France that he would be the one to infiltrate his life and take his wife.
"Tell me Demelza, when did this friendship turn into something more?"
"Please know that I told Hugh we could be nothing more than friends. That the letters and poems needed to stop but he refused. I had hoped…"
"What Demelza? What did you hope?"
Now they turned to face each other, his hands came to lie on her shoulders, gently rubbing them.
"I hoped that maybe you would say something to him. Tell him to stay away. Fight for me," she said.
Ross had no response for that. He just searched her face and saw that she was disappointed that he hadn't done something so simple as making it clear she was his wife and was not to be toyed with.
"I love you, Ross. I told Hugh this as well as that would never change."
"Has it changed now Demelza?"
"No Ross," she whispered.
"But something did change. Something must have happened to change the relationship between you," he said.
"Yes."
Demelza bowed her head, suddenly shy.
"What is it Demelza? Tell me."
Lifting her head she looked directly in his eyes.
"I had gotten the impression that you were taken with Elizabeth again. That maybe your lack of interest in me was due to that. Perhaps you were regretting not fighting George for her. Or maybe even wanting to see…"
"What?"
"Valentine."
There it was said. Finally, after almost three years, the other thing that lay between them was spoken.
"Why would you think that?"
Taking a breath, she explained.
"I saw you and Elizabeth. In the cemetery. I could tell the conversation you were having had not been a pleasant one. I also know you, Ross. There's part of you that keeps the notion that Valentine might be your son hidden. I thought maybe you finally wanted to know the truth. And if he was, you'd want to be a part of his life. Somehow."
Ross looked at his wife and felt like an idiot. Again. Why did he insist on keeping simple things to himself when just speaking about them could avoid so much heartache?
"You gathered all that from a few moments of watching us?"
"And I saw you kiss her."
Ross dropped his hands from her shoulders and took a step back. He saw the look of doubt and mistrust on her face and felt like there were again back three years to the night she almost left him. That too was a cold winter night.
"Good Lord Demelza," he started. "I'm so sorry you saw that. It meant nothing. I was, in fact, telling Elizabeth goodbye. And apologizing for what happened. Nothing more."
Demelza glanced up at him unsure that she believed what he was saying.
"Then why didn't you tell me?"
"I honestly didn't think you'd understand. It was still a sore subject for us," he offered.
"So you're keeping this to yourself, once again led to a misunderstanding. Why do we keep hurting each other Ross?"
The quiet weeping turned to sobbing again.
"Demelza, don't you know? It's because we love each other too deeply and too hard. Everything is felt more. You're right. I should have told you when it happened. And I should have stopped Armitage when I saw him pursuing you. I am so sorry my love. But mostly, I'm sorry for doubting you and your love. I've wasted so much time that I could have had with you and Hannah. For what it's worth, I did love her Demelza. I still do,"
Now he was the one crying and she pulled her arms out from underneath her cloak to bring him closer to her. She held him as he cried, caressing his back and whispering in his ear.
"Do you know what I think? I think that Hannah knew what she was born into. That there was something dark holding back true happiness for us and that is why she stopped fighting Ross. She didn't want to be the reason we stayed distant. It's as if she knew her presence would lead to more strife and that by leaving us, she could bring us together. And she has."
He lifted his head and looked into his wife's eyes. The coldness from earlier was gone and replaced with the love he had come to expect.
"Demelza how can you rationalize her death like that?"
"If I don't, Ross I shall crumble and I have other children at home, perhaps more in the future. And I have you. I think about what is and what can be. Don't doubt that I loved Hannah with all my heart and being, just as I loved Julia. And while they were with us they brought so much joy and love. Now they are together. Julia isn't alone anymore."
"You amaze me Demelza."
"I'm just grateful for what I have. And what we did have. We can't ask for more than that now, can we Ross?"