I'm really sorry for the terribel update schedule lately. It's just that I'm in a bit of a weird place, emotionally - not necessarily bad, just weird - and I can't seem to get any writing done, and I'm somehow unemployed yet at least as busy as I was when I still had a job, so... sorry. Bear with me for a little while, I'm sure it'll be fine again soon.

3. Personality Dialysis

"Munchkinland – Nessarose Thropp and Macy Lezwis. Quadling Country – Karise Fennows and... and... Oz dammit, it was something with an M..." Elphaba chewed the back of her pencil, racking her brain and feeling frustrated at being unable to come up with the name. She could learn entire text books by heart – surely she could remember which silly rich girls participated in this Oz-forsaken pageant!

"Micaela Kaunis," Glinda informed her roommate, never looking away from the mirror. She was applying her make-up. "Middle daughter of the Kaunis family, one of the richest families in the Quadlings. Her father is the mayor of Quadling City. And Karise's aunt is actually the Sorceress of the South. It's not just anyone participating in these pageants, Elphie. Many girls try, but don't make it through, such as poor Milla. She didn't get past the second selection round. Even Pfannee didn't make it to the top twelve!"

"The drama," Elphaba said sarcastically. She continued to study the list of contestants. "Ugh, this is horrid. I'm never going to learn all their names. They're all so fancy and complicated. What parents name their daughter Lunare?"

"As if 'Elphaba' is such an easy and commonplace name," Glinda sniffed.

Elphaba ignored her. "Or Saraphina? What's wrong with a simple name of two syllables at most?"

Glinda gasped dramatically. "Elphie! Saraphina Bulok is, like, the most beautiful girl in all the Vinkus! She was supposed to marry Fiyero!"

That caught Elphaba's interest. "Really?"

The blonde nodded vigorously. "Yes. Their parents made an agreement to have the two of them married, but only if they'd both agree. When Fiyero started partying and dating so many girls, Saraphina declared she didn't want him anymore and now she's almost engaged to Palu Pevens, you know, that geeky smart guy from the northern Vinkus? Apparently they're really in love."

"Aha." Elphaba yawned. "And this should interest me... why, exactly?"

"You're hopeless." Glinda shook her head before concentrating on her mascara again. "Anyway, Elphie, you really need to know all this background information if you're going to pull this off. Every other girl will have prepared herself and know exactly who she's up against. I bet by now most of the contestants know every small detail about the others, from the shampoo they use to their favourite flavours of ice cream and the name of their mother's aunt's great-grandfather."

Elphaba heaved a deep sigh. "In other words, I'm doomed."

Glinda giggled. "Of course not. We'll help you." Her face lit up. "Oh, I can quiz you, like you always do with me when we have a test! It'll be fun! Not to mention it'll be payback for the way you made me study for midterms." She smirked a little. "Okay, Elphie – who is the other contestant from the Emerald City?"

Elphaba squinted. "Nathi... um... Nathalinia, right? Nathalinia Hearst?"

"Very good! Family?"

Elphaba thought hard. She knew she'd studied this. "One older brother who is training to be Gale Force... father is Captain of the Guard, mother is some kind of important pretty society lady or whatever. Right?"

"Not "or whatever", Elphie. That's not ladylike. Age?"

"Twenty?"

"Not yet," Glinda corrected her. "Nineteen."

Elphaba scoffed. "Well, at least I know everything about you and Nessa. I guess I'll live."

Glinda shook her head. "Oh, Elphie... at least tell me you worked on your hair tossing skills?"

Elphaba sat up straight and shook her hair back with an exaggerated movement of her head. "Toss, toss."

Her roommate looked about to bury her face in her hands, but caught herself at the last moment, realising she'd smudge her make-up. "Oh, Oz, what are we going to do with you?"

"For the thousandth time," Elphaba said, "I'm not cut out for this. You're not going to do anything with me because this is going to end up a big disaster, anyway!"

Glinda tutted. "Well, it's too late to back out now, isn't it? Your father has already made the arrangements, after all."

"Fine. Then I guess we'd better keep practising." Elphaba tossed her hair over one shoulder and gathered it up in a messy ponytail. "Now, what was the name of that girl from Quadling Country again?"

Her roommate finally did bury her face in her hands and groaned.

"Stand up straight," Dr Dillamond instructed. He carefully placed a thick book on the top of Elphaba's head. It wobbled a little, but remained where it was and he stepped away with a satisfied nod. "Now try to walk as naturally as possible."

"There is a dictionary on my head and a pair of ridiculously high heels on my feet," the young witch said through gritted teeth, even as she tentatively took a step forward. "How is that supposed to be natural?"

The Goat smiled. "You'll make it work. Straighter, Miss Elphaba. Try to walk with a little more confidence. Not so stiff."

She straightened her back and held her head up high, taking a deep breath as she tried to focus on placing one high-heeled foot in front of the other, but that was more difficult than she'd have thought. Her ankles were protesting against the abuse and she didn't feel very stable, let alone elegant. "I'm not sure this is going to..." The book fell and she winced when it hit the ground, just missing her toes. "...work. And do we have to use a book for this?" she complained. "Books aren't meant to constantly be falling on the ground. This book abuse almost physically hurts my heart."

Nessarose, who was primly sitting in a corner, huffed a laugh. "Oh, Fabala, you can be so strange sometimes."

"Try again," Dr Dillamond encouraged the green girl and she sighed, bent over to pick up the dictionary, and placed it back on her head.

"This is ridiculous," she muttered, attempting to keep her balance as she gingerly walked across the classroom. "I still don't even know the names of all the other participants, let alone their backgrounds. I can't toss my hair or walk in heels. My posture is horrible, my make-up skills non-existent, my skin still green, my hair still a bird's nest, and nothing about me is even remotely ladylike. I'm not going to fit in. I might as well paint a sign on my forehead saying "WIZARD'S SPY TRYING TO FIND OUT WHO WANTS TO KILL PEOPLE". Not to mention the horrible impression I'm going to make on the people as their princess."

Dr Dillamond shook his head. "You'll get there, Elphaba," he assured her. "Don't worry. You're already doing much better than before."

Nessa wheeled herself closer to her sister, smiling. "And Fabala, look – while you were ranting about this never going to work, you managed to walk all the way across the classroom in heels with the book still on your head. I told you that you could do it!"

Elphaba paused, realising the younger girl was right. She had barely even wobbled. Slowly, she turned around and started walking back, a small spark of hope taking hold of her. Maybe they would be able to make this work, after all.

Just as she thought that, the book thumped down onto the floor again and she sighed, her shoulders slumping. "Nope. Still doomed."

Her other lessons weren't going much better than that. With midterms finished, Lurlinemas break rolled around, which meant Nessarose and Boq travelled back to Munchkinland – and Fiyero to the Vinkus – to be with their families. For the sake of helping Elphaba prepare for the pageant, Glinda chose to stay at Shiz, as did Dr Dillamond.

The beauty pageant would officially start on the first day of the new year; by then, the others would meet them in the Emerald City to either participate in or witness the occasion. There would be a fancy dinner in one of the City's most expensive restaurants so that the candidates could get to know one another, followed by the recording of the contestants' presentation to the people the next day and the recording of individual interviews with each participant the day after that. Thankfully it would be over then and they'd be travelling back home on Sunday afternoon; a short version of the interviews would be published in the national newspaper, The Ozian,on Monday, and a compilation of the recordings would be broadcast the following Friday evening as the first episode of the TV show Miss Emerald.

During the week before the new year, Elphaba developed a daily schedule. Upon waking up, Glinda would quiz her roommate about the other contestants as the green girl prepared for the day. They then had breakfast together, during which the blonde tried to teach Elphaba to eat and sit like a lady. Elphaba would then move on to an empty classroom, where Dr Dillamond was waiting for her to give her some etiquette lessons – speak softly, sit up straight, walk elegantly, those kinds of things. She had insisted on having lunch time for herself, meaning she often ate in the library whilst poring over a book, after which she'd meet up with Oscar, who had taken a week off to come to Shiz, and Chistery. The Wizard always briefed her about the developments in the case regarding the threats, which was one of the only things about this whole schedule that she actually found interesting. Between the three of them, they tried to puzzle out a more concrete plan to try and bust the criminal – or criminals, since they weren't sure if there was only one of them or if more were involved. They didn't have a lot of luck with that, but at least it made her feel like she was also doing something useful amidst the beauty pageant preparations.

Late afternoon was reserved for beauty treatments. Elphaba hadn't even known so many beauty products existed until now, but of course Glinda knew all about them. She rubbed oils and creams into Elphaba's skin and hair, brushed the raven tresses until they shone, and tried out different styles of clothing, hair, and make-up on her roommate, trying to determine what looked best on her and which look would be most appropriate for which event relating to the beauty pageant. Oscar paid to get Elphaba a whole new wardrobe, exchanging her black frocks for colourful, fitted dresses with full skirts and her combat boots for ballet flats and low heels.

They often ate dinner together – Elphaba, Glinda, Oscar, Dr Dillamond, and Chistery – and they all "nagged her", as Elphaba called it, about her manners. After dinner, she'd retreat to her dorm room and she'd read for a bit until Glinda was ready for bed as well; then the blonde questioned her about the other contestants for another half hour again before the green girl was allowed to get some sleep. All in all, it was exhausting.

"I can't do this!" she cried to Chistery and Dr Dillamond at some point in utter frustration. She tore the fake flowers from her hair and tossed them onto a table, plonking down into a chair and slumping in it. "I'm not cut out for this. It's never going to work!"

"Of course it is," Chistery said comfortingly. "You're doing great so far."

Elphaba shook her head violently. "No, I'm not. Just look at me! I look like a complete idiot!"

"Miss Elphaba," Dillamond said in mild exasperation. "It's just make-up. I know you're not a big fan of that – and neither am I, if I am completely honest – but I am sure you can make it work somehow."

She sighed through her nose. "What if I can't? What if I decide I'm through with this whole ridiculous business?"

He looked at her seriously over his spectacles. "Then the danger for your sister and Miss Glinda will continue to exist."

She blew out her breath in an annoyed huff. "All right. Fine. But only for them."

Dr Dillamond shared a knowing smile with Chistery.

Even aside from learning how to be a lady, there were other requirements she had to fulfil before being able to blend in with the other girls. Every contestant, for example, had to have some special skill to show the public, as well as a charity to represent for the sake of the show. Elphaba hadn't found it very hard to pick her charity – the Animal rehabilitation project Oscar had set up a little over half a year ago, after meeting with her. She'd already written some speeches for that and was planning a visit to one of the rehabilitation centres later on in the contest, even though she wouldn't have to actually arrange that until at least a few weeks from now. She hated having to present the project this way – like it was just something she was using to get in the people's good graces – but she also recognised that it was an opportunity for her to bring more attention to it and she wasn't going to turn that chance down. Besides, she'd have to pick a charity, anyway.

When it came to the skills, however, she was having a much harder time. Oscar and Dr Dillamond thought it better for her to conceal the fact that she possessed magical powers – if she could, anyway, since her magical outbursts were sometimes unexpected – and Glinda had firmly told her friend that no, sarcasm did not count as a skill. Elphaba wondered if she could perhaps use her knowledge of politics to her advantage, but Glinda informed her that the people would mainly like to see her do something worthy of a lady, such as performing a dance or singing a song. Of course the dark-haired girl had laughed in Glinda's face at that, since they both knew she could neither dance nor sing. Thankfully they wouldn't have to present their skills until later on in the contest, either, so she still had some time to think about what hers could be.

By the time they travelled to the Emerald City, Elphaba was an exhausted wreck of nerves and Glinda was more than a little worried about her roommate, although not for the reasons one might think.

"Elphie," she said, concern clouding her blue eyes, "if you keep frowning like that, you're going to get lines in your face; and you really need to get some more sleep. There are dark circles under your eyes. Of course I can work miracles with some make-up, but you don't look healthy, Elphie."

"I don't feel healthy," Elphaba grumbled. "And I would get more sleep if you'd stop pestering me with questions about those silly bubbleheads participating in this stupid contest all night long!"

Glinda wisely decided to ignore that remark.

Upon arriving in the City, they settled in their hotel room first. Nessarose was already in the room, having journeyed to the City straight from Munchkinland with Boq, and she smiled at her sister. "Hi, Fabala. Did you have a good trip?"

"It was fine." The green girl yawned and Glinda urged her to take a nap. Dinner with the other girls wouldn't be until the next day, so they still had plenty of time to prepare themselves; while Elphaba slept and Nessarose napped as well, Glinda went on a shopping trip in the City to try and find the perfect dresses for her to wear to the dinner and for the recordings the two days after that. Since Boq had come with Nessa and Fiyero would be arriving that same day, too, they had all agreed to meet up at one of the cheaper restaurants the Emerald City had to offer for dinner.

Glinda was delighted with the boys' reaction to Elphaba once they saw her – Fiyero's jaw dropped, eyes wide; and Boq said, clearly impressed, "Wow."

"What?" Elphaba muttered grumpily, plonking down on her chair, which earned her a disapproving look from her best friend. "Are the circles under my eyes that bad?"

Boq shook his head. "No," he said. "You look... nice."

Fiyero snorted. "That's an understatement. She's beautiful," he stressed, which made Glinda giggle and Elphaba and Boq give him weird looks. "What? You are!" he defended himself. "I've never seen you dressed up like this before."

She realised that was true and she sighed. Glinda hadn't allowed her to bring any of the black frocks she still owned with her, meaning the young witch was now dressed in some of her new clothes: a form-fitting, dark blue dress that only just reached her knees and definitely made her uncomfortable, despite the tights she was wearing underneath. She was also wearing a pair of ballet flats, since they were the most comfortable shoes Glinda had bought her. The blonde had explained that from now on, image was everything and Elphaba would have to look nice always, regardless of the occasion. Reporters could show up at any given moment the green girl left Shiz University's campus and so she would have to look her best for the duration of the pageant, at least – and preferably after that as well, given the fact that she would now be known as the princess of Oz.

Unfortunately, that didn't just mean dresses and fancy shoes – it also meant make-up, which Glinda had applied carefully before they had left the hotel; no glasses, which left her unable to see anything other than blurry shapes when she tried to read, so one of her friends was going to have to read her the menu; and a fancy hairdo, in this case an elegant bun secured with some glittery hair clasps that matched the jewellery – yes, jewellery – she was wearing. She hated every last bit of it, even though the look on Fiyero's face almost made it worth it. Almost.

"Thanks," she said with a sigh. "I'm not happy about it, though. Any of it. I wish it would be over already."

Glinda patted her friend's arm consolingly. "Oh, my poor Elphie. You wish it would be over?" She shook her head. "I'm afraid you're in for it, then, because you've only just begun."