So I know it's been at least a month and a half now. And I'm so so so sorry. But...I actually have a better excuse than I ever have before. Yes, you heard me right. Excuse. Not excuses. If you're interested in hearing it, you can read these next 2 paragraphs. If you just wanna read this chapter instead, then skip past them. It's up to you.

I play softball in the summer. Things were going great until about the 5th game of the season. I got done with the game and was shaking nonstop. I was dizzy, my vision was blurry, I was lightheaded...basically, I almost passed out. Now, that had never happened to me before. I ended up going to the ER. For those of you who don't know what that stands for, it's Emergency Room. They did lab work and it all turned out ok. So I got to go home. But...it hasn't stopped. I have felt like I had a really bad flu bug all week. I finally felt like doing something a couple of days ago, so I went to the church to help out with summer VBS.

That was a mistake. I started shaking again and could barely hold my own weight up. I almost had to call one of my friends to come help me walk to the car. It seemed so far away, when in reality, it was only about 10 feet away. Pathetic, I know. Then it happened again after my softball game on Monday night and my family, my teammates mom's and dad's, and my best friends saw me cry...I hate it. I hate what I have now. I've had so much lab work done, but they can't find anything. It kind of frustrates me because I want to know what is going on. But on the bright side, I'm taking medication now. It's helped a little bit...the effects don't last as long. And my team also won the championship! But that's the reason I haven't been updating. It's really hard for me to concentrate for a few days after one of my 'episodes'. I know I said a month, but I hope that you can forgive me?:/

I also have a job now. Another reason I might not update as often. Also, I'm getting my wisdom teeth out on Monday so...:(

Yes. I know the spacing is all weird. And I'm really sorry. I literally fixed it all then slipped up and accidentally went back a page. Twice. I want to update as soon as possible. So sorry about that.

Ok. Disclaimer time now!

Disclaimer: I. Do. Not. Own. The. Divergent. Trilogy.

Chapter 19

Tris' POV

I wake up with a start. Just like I have all night. I've had at least 3 more nightmares in the short time span between 4:15am and-what time is it? I look over to the side. 8:30am. I don't even remember what the last three were about to be honest. There are only two that I truly remember; one of them being where I was foolish enough to think that Four knew an Eric and the other being the one where Mom morphed into Eric and strangled me. The others are kind of a blur, but I know one thing for sure about all of them; they were either about my family dying or about Eric hurting me in some way, shape, or form.

I hear a knock on my door. The door opens and I see Tori walk through it. She stands by the door and stares at me. I stare right back, unspoken words being said with our eyes.

After a couple of minutes of this, Tori walks up to me and sits down on the edge of the bed.

Happy birthday," she whispers.

I feel the tears burning my eyes before they start flowing.

"Oh Bea," she says brokenly.

Her arms wrap around me and I feel a few of her tears drop onto my shoulder. I finally allow myself to start crying. I let out a sob and wrap my arms around Tori as well. We cry for a few minutes before we both seem to get ahold of ourselves. Tori pulls back first and looks like she wants to say something, but doesn't know what.

"Why me, Tori? Why us?"

The question that has been haunting me for years has finally slipped out of my mouth, my voice cracking in the middle of it. Tori just shakes her head.

"I don't know, Bea...I don't know. The universe can be pretty cruel."

You're telling me, Tori. The one who was bullied and beat by her own classmates. The one who was raped by her 'loving' boyfriend. The one who had to watch my mother's eyes get the life sucked out of them. The one whose friends all turned against her. The one who has nightmares almost every night.

Of course, Tori doesn't know hardly any of this. She only knows about the bullying and my friends turning against me part. She doesn't know how bad the nightmares get. She doesn't know what mom's last words were. She doesn't know that part of the reason why it was so hard for me to let anyone in was because I was raped. Sometimes it kills me not to tell her these things. Other times, I'm grateful I haven't. I'm not sure how she would take it.

Instead of saying all these things, I just nod my head and look down.

"I know," I whisper.

We sit in silence for a few minutes when I hear my phone ding. Tori and I both look at it. She raises an eyebrow and nods towards it, silently telling me to look at it. I sigh and pick it up. It's a text message...from Four. I sigh again and unlock my phone to read it.

Why aren't you here today? I thought you said you were coming.

When I look up again, Tori is looking at me.

"Well?" she asks.

I hand her the phone. She reads it and looks up to me.

"Well...what are you going to say?"

"Nothing."

Her eyes show disappointment.

"What do you expect me to say Tori!? That I didn't go to school today because it's my family's 2 year death anniversary!? That I didn't go because I'm a freaking mess?!" I yell with tears in my eyes.

Guilt rushes through me and I calm myself down.

"I mean, look at me Tori. Really look at me. What do you see? I see a broken, screwed up, little girl, who doesn't know what to do with her life anymore," I say, my voice cracking every so often.

Tori's hands brush my hair back and she smiles sadly at me.

"You want to know what I see?"

I stare at her, tears streaming down my cheeks.

"I see a strong, brave, and selfless young girl who has so many opportunities in her life. I see a girl with potential. I see a girl who has so many reasons not to be depressed. I see..."

She pauses for a moment and her fingers caress my face.

"A beautiful young woman who doesn't know how deep her beauty really goes. And I see a wonderful future for this woman."

"What do you mean by 'wonderful future'?"

"I mean...I see you being very successful and maybe even having a family of your own someday."

I laugh and shake my head. I feel a tear slip out of my eye.

"Tori...I don't even know where to start."

"I have some ideas," she says and looks to the phone that she still has in her hand.

I bite my lip as more tears run down.

"Tori. We've only been dating for a day and a half..."

"But have you ever thought about dating him before it happened?"

I have before...but I always stopped myself before I got too carried away.

"Yes..."

"And for how long?"

I feel myself blush.

"Since I met him..."

"I'm not saying that he's the one Bea. But I do have a good feeling about it. I mean, have you ever seen any girls who aren't sluts think about dating a guy the first time they meet them? Simple answer: they don't."

"Tori, how can you think that he's the one after only knowing him for a couple of weeks?"

"Like I said, he might not be the one, but it doesn't mean that he isn't. Who knows? It could happen. But my point is, I think he will be the one to teach you how to love again."

I look down. I can't think of anything to say. After a few minutes of silence, I finally say something.

"Don't you think this is getting a bit cheesy, Tori?"

"No. No I don't."

I look up. Her face shows confidence and finality, along with compassion and love. I start sobbing again before I can help myself.

"I don't know what to do!"

"What don't you know?"

"I-I don't know. All of this..."

I wave my arms around me.

"It's just all so new! I'm not used to this! I'm not used to having friends who care! I'm not used to not being bullied! I'm not used to a boyfriend who makes me smile every time I'm with him!"

Tori frowns.

"What about Eric?"

I wince at the name and shake my head.

"There's some things you don't know about Eric."

"Like what?"

I shake my head again.

"I don't want to tell you."

Her eyes show hurt and I feel guilt rush through me.

"Listen, Tori. I didn't mean it like that. There's just some things that I would rather keep to myself."

She nods and leans over to kiss my forehead. I feel tears gather up in my eyes.

"Does anyone else know besides you?"

I hesitate for a second. "No."

A few minutes pass.

"I'm just going to go downstairs, ok?"

I nod. We both need our space. She leaves my room and I start to cry. I cry for who knows how long before the tears finally stop.

I look over to the clock again. It's 9:30. This is going to be a long day. I roll out of bed and slowly walk around my room. I end up at the piano and stand there, just looking at it, remembering the fun lessons I once had with mom. Tears leak out of my eyes again, but I don't acknowledge them. Instead, memories are flying through my head at what seems like several miles per hour. When mom taught me my first song, my first note, my first duet, my first sight read, and the list goes on.

I collapse on the floor and close my eyes, letting myself get lost in a memory.

~Flashback~

"Mom! Can I play a song for you and Caleb and Dad?!"

"Sure honey! Let me just get everybody rounded up. Caleb will be the hardest I think. He's got his nose stuck in another book."

I giggle. "Why does Caleb like reading so much?"

She smiles. "Everybody has their own hobby. I guess reading is your brother's."

"Playing the piano is mine."

"And it's a great hobby. You're very good at it too."

"Thanks mom."

"You're welcome sweetie. Now, let me get the boys. You can look over your music one more time before we come in here."

"Ok!"

She walks out to go get the boys and I quickly scan the sheet music again. I read it a few times, making sure I wasn't going to make mistakes. I hear footsteps walking towards me and turn around.

"Well I hope this is better than my book. It's gonna be pretty tough to beat though Bea..." Caleb says.

He winks at me as I stick my tongue out at him.

"Ok kids. Stop. Let's hear this Bea. I'm sure it's going to be as good as your brother's book," Dad says.

"I said 'better than my book'."

"Caleb."

"I'm just stating a fact Dad!"

I start to laugh.

"Andrew! Caleb!"

My mother's voice is filled with laughter.

"Please be quiet now! Bea didn't ask us to come down here for nothing!"

"Ok, ok!" they both say.

I giggle one more time.

"Ok Bea. I think we're ready to hear it now."

"Ok!"

I turn back around and take a deep breath. I start to play from the beginning and the beautiful tune of 'The River Flows In You' fills the room. Once I'm done I turn back around to face them.

Dad starts clapping. "Very good Beatrice. You're very good at this!"

"Ok...so maybe it was just a little bit better than my book."

I fake glare at him. He holds his hands up and says, "Ok, ok! So it was a lot better! Happy now?"

"Very, actually."

"It was beautiful Bea. Excellent job,"

Mom says.

"You're the one who taught me everything!"

"I haven't been helping you at all for the past month while you worked on this song. And you played through with no mistakes. It was amazing."

I blush at the praise. "Thank you. Everybody, I mean."

"You're welcome," they all say.

I laugh and stand up. "Hey Caleb! Catch me if you can!"

"Oh, it's on!

I run out the door and around to the backyard, hearing his footsteps chase me in hot pursuit.

~End of Flashback~

I open my eyes again and silently cry. I reach to the shelf that holds my pictures and grab the one of me and Caleb from Paris. Even though Caleb was two years older than me, he was still just as childish.

I hug the picture to my chest and hear tears drop onto the metal frame. I hold it in my lap and stare at the picture for a long time. We were so carefree, so happy, so relaxed. Life was so much simpler 2 years ago. If only it was like that now. I close my eyes as more tears drop down onto it.

I think that out of my whole family, I miss Caleb most. Even more so than mom. If he had lived, then we would both be getting through this together. I wouldn't be as depressed. We would go to the same school together and he would be making his own nerd friends. I would be talking to everyone, not just Four and Tori. Caleb would be overprotective of me and would have to talk to Four several times to make sure he wouldn't hurt me like Eric did.

Yes, I lied to Tori. I have told someone about Eric. I didn't voluntarily tell him, but he asked me about why I'd been acting so different lately. So I spilled. I told him everything.

~Flashback~

"Caleb, Beatrice! Your father and I are going to go to a meeting! We will be back in about 3 hours, okay?!"

"Okay," I hear Caleb yell back.

I don't say anything. Caleb already said ok anyways.

"Bye guys!"

"Bye!"

Caleb again. I hear the front door shut and soon after, hear footsteps coming up the stairs.

I hear knocking on my door and know it's Caleb.

"What?" I mumble.

"Can I come in?"

"I don't see why not," I mumble again, just loud enough for him to hear me.

My door opens and I hear Caleb say, "What's up Bea?"

"Nothing, really."

"Have you been working on piano at all? Any songs you want me to hear?"

"No. Not really."

"Ok. I'm done with this. What the hell is up with you lately?!"

My eyes widen and I snap my head up to look him in the eye. I've only heard him curse a handful of times. It still takes me by surprise every time he does.

"Ya, I knew that would get your attention."

"Why would you want my attention?"

"I don't know, maybe because I'm talking to you?"

"Whatever," I quietly mumble.

"Beatrice Prior! What the hell is wrong?!"

I wanted to brush this off as well, but he sounded desperate. Concerned. So I ask him a question in return.

"Why would you think there was anything wrong?"

"Because you're my sister! I know something happened Bea! I swear I won't tell anyone else! Not even mom or dad! You're not like your normal self! I love you Bea! It scares me to see you like this!"

Tears fill my eyes. Caleb quickly rushes over and hugs me.

"I'm sorry Caleb! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" I sob.

After a few minutes, I calm down and start telling Caleb everything. Once I'm done, he looks furious.

"I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch! After I'm done with him he won't be able to take two steps without crying! That son of a-"

"Caleb please don't!"

"Why not Bea?! He deserves it!"

"I'm not saying he doesn't. I just don't want everyone to know about this..."

"That's not all. What else?"

"I also don't want Eric to know that he won. I don't want to seem weak. I don't want sympathy. You know I hate that."

He lets out a long breath.

"Please Cal...please."

"The only reason he will be walking at all will be because you asked me to let him."

"Thank you."

He stares at me for another moment before I am swept up in his arms again. I squeeze my eyes shut as a couple more tears trickle down my face. Caleb pulls back first and kisses me on my forehead.

"I love you, okay? Don't ever forget that. And if you ever need someone to talk to...about anything...I'm here okay? I always will be. I promise."

~End of Flashback~

I start to sob. He didn't keep his promise. But it's not like he had a choice. Let me rephrase it. He couldn't keep his promise. But he sure as hell kept it until the very last minute of his life.

"I love you Caleb," I whisper, even though I know he can't hear me.

I suddenly feel the urge to go and visit him. But the only place that would happen would be back in Haviland, Ohio. Which isn't too far away I suppose.

I calm down and slowly stand up. I move the picture of Caleb and I to my nightstand. I check the time. It's already 11:00. Thank goodness. Maybe it'll go by faster than I thought.

"Hey Bea? Can I come in?"

It's Tori. "Sure."

Once she's in, I ask, "Can we go back to Haviland? To see them?"

I blurted it out without thinking. I sigh and shake my head at myself. I really need to learn how to control my thought and speech coordination.

She smiles. "I was actually thinking about that."

"You were?"

"Yes. You know how Haviland always had a big fair?"

"Yes..."

I think I know where this is going.

"What if we went then?"

"But Tori...that's like, in two weeks!"

"And your point is?"

"Well...umm..."

I'm not sure. I want to go, but I'm not sure I want to go that soon. Knowing that it will happen excites me. But so soon is kind of a shock.

"What about school?"

Tori raises an eyebrow. "Like you care about missing a few days of school."

"Ok maybe not...it's just...it kind of scares me, that's all."

"Why does it scare you?"

"It's Haviland, Tori. Why wouldn't it scare me? After all the things that town has put me through?"

"That may be true. But you're stronger now. You can see Haviland again. Besides, if you didn't want to at all, you wouldn't have asked me about it."

"I guess the sooner the better."

She's quiet for a moment.

"I also thought of around the fair time because of...well..."

"Caleb's birthday," I whisper, finishing her sentence for her.

"Ya..."

"I almost forgot about it until you mentioned it. I forgot it was in a couple of weeks. It seems so much further away than what it really is."

"I know the feeling."

"So is it settled? Are we going in two weeks?"

"I think so. But I think I want to do some stuff that you wouldn't want to be with me for. If you want, you can visit them while I do my own thing."

I frown. "I-I don't want to be alone..."

"And that brings me to the next subject."

She takes a deep breath. "What if you asked your friends to come with you?"

"What?!"

She sighs. "I shouldn't have expected any better reaction. But think about it. You could go to the fair together. If you see Hailey and Taylor you could prove that you have better friends. And an amazing boyfriend. Show them that you're better than them."

"But then I'd have to tell them about everything that's happened to me!"

"No you wouldn't. You could just simply say that you're inviting them to go to your hometown's fair. That you were going to go anyways, but wanted your friends to go with you."

"They wouldn't believe that."

Would they?

"Yes they would. And if they didn't, they wouldn't ask you about it. Would they?"

I thought about this for a moment.

"No...they probably wouldn't."

"Honestly Tris, if I had a great group of friends with a new girl in the group and she asked us to come with her to her hometown's fair, I'd see it as great bonding time. Also a fun time. And an excuse to skip school. I wouldn't find it suspicious at all. Would you?"

No. I wouldn't. I know Tori's right. But first I have to start talking to them. Maybe join in conversations at lunch.

"No."

"My point exactly."

"But I wouldn't want them all to come with me to visit them..."

"And there's the next subject."

"Oh boy."

"No, it's good. At least, I think it is."

"What is it?"

"What if Four came with you?"

I open my mouth to reject the idea when I realize that it's actually not a horrible idea.

"I could drop the others off at the fair and drive you two a couple of blocks away to visit them. You can introduce him. I know you'd want to. I mean, if he is the one-"

"Not this again To-"

"Shh. Let me finish."

I roll my eyes but let her continue.

"Like I was saying. If he is the one, then you would want to introduce him anyways. Better sooner rather than later. Just like if they were still with us."

I sigh. "I know. And that's a good idea. But what if Four thinks I'm weird? What if he doesn't want to?"

"Two things. One: Do you really believe that Four would think you're weird for visiting your family? Even if they were in a cemetery? And two: I know him well enough to know that he would do anything for you."

"Ok. So two things. One: I know. It was a stupid thought. And two: I'm not sure if he would do anything for me."

"Ask him."

"Really Tori?"

"I'm serious! Ask him what he would do for you!"

"Cause that's not weird at all."

"I'm just putting it out there."

We are silent for a couple of minutes.

"But Tris...what do you think about it?"

I've been thinking. I like Tori's plan. If I do happen to see Hailey and Taylor, it would be nice to have real friends as back up. And if I see Eric...well...I don't actually want to think about that. I don't want to be alone when visiting my family. And it wouldn't be a bad idea to introduce Four.

"I like it."

She smiles. "Then you better get to it! Soon!"

I even slightly smile. "I will Tori. Promise."

"Good."

Her smile slightly falls. "Are you hungry at all?"

That's why it fell. "No."

"Please eat something Bea..."

"Not today Tori. Please..."

She takes a deep breath and let's it out.

"You're lucky today is your birthday."

I smile a little bit again. "Thanks Tori."

"Like I said, you're luc-"

She's interrupted by a ferocious dinging coming from the nightstand. I groan. It's my phone. I stand up to get my phone and shut the damn thing off, but Tori beats me to it. She's smiling as she unlocks my phone and starts to read the texts out loud.

"From Christina: Oh my gosh! Tris, why aren't you here today! We asked Four if he knew since your neighbors and all, but he said he thought you were coming too and that he already texted you! Where are you?! Are you sick? Are you hurt? Oh please tell me you're not hurt! I sure-"

"Ok ok Tori! She can talk forever! I love her, but please move on!"

She smiles. "From Uriah: Where are you Trissypoo? I'm not saying this out loud, but I'm jealous you're not at school. I wish I wasn't in this hell hole."

I laugh a little bit. She continues.

"From Zeke: I'm the one who came up with the nickname Trissypoo. So all rights go to me. Anyways...WHERE ARE YOU?! Are you okay?!"

I smile. "I'm going to hurt both of them if they think about using that nickname permanently."

"From Marlene: Where are you Tris? We miss you!:("

Finally...shorter texts.

"From Shauna: Are you okay Tris? Are you sick? You haven't been replying!"

"It's literally only been 5 minutes!" I say laughing.

"From Lynn: A-"

"Thank goodness it's Lynn. This means short and sweet."

Tori rolls her eyes and continues. "From Lynn: Are you okay Tris?"

"Knew it!"

"From Will: Hey everyone is really worried about you. Please reply back to at least one of us. I don't care who."

Tori stops. "Tris. Reply back to at least one of them."

"Maybe. Continue please."

"Last one. It's from Four. You should read it."

"Why? What does it say?"

"I don't know. But I think you should read it."

"Ok, ok. Give me that."

I take the phone from her hand and read it.

"You'renot avoiding me, are you?"

No! Why would he think I was avoiding him?! Unless he thought that I still haven't gotten over last night...but I said we were okay! I sigh and sit down on the edge of my bed and put my head in my hands.

"What is it?"

"He asked if I was avoiding him," I mumble.

"You aren't, are you?"

"No! You know why I'm here today!"

"I know! I meant in general."

"No. I'm not. I'm not the type to run away when things get hard."

"I didn't think you were. I was just making sure. But any reason why he would think you were avoiding him?"

"If I'm being completely honest, yes. I can think of something. But I thought it was taken care of last night."

Tori looks confused.

"It's a long story."

"Ok..."

She walks to the door. "I'm going to go back downstairs and I'm not going to force you to do anything. But I have to say, I would reply to Four if I were you. In fact, I'm just going to go explore Chicago for a few hours. Give you some peace and quiet. Time to think."

"You don't have to do that Tori."

"But I am. See you later Bea. I'll be back at around 5:00."

"That's 5 hours!"

"Chicago is a big city. I will probably go eat out, then do some shopping, and some sight-seeing...I can occupy myself. Don't worry."

I sigh. "Ok. Bye Tori."

"Bye Bea. See you later."

I hear her go downstairs and the front door shut. I flop back on my bed and let out a breath. I grab my phone. It's past lunch time at school. I suddenly hear another ding. It's from Four.

"Ok. I get it. I know there's not any way you haven't seen any of the texts we've sent you. I'll give you space if that's what you want. I'm sorry for whatever I did. I'll do whatever it takes to fix it, ok? I'd do anything for you."

So Tori guessed correctly. A couple tears stream down my face. No one except for Tori has really cared about me in a long time. My brain starts to play memories of Eric again. In about 5 minutes I start to sob. I sob for everything. For my family, for allowing Eric to hurt me, for being weak, for my life being a shit hole. Without the comfort of Tori here, I truly feel alone and empty. I shakily unlock my phone and text back with two simple words.

"Call me."

And I start to sob again.

Yes. It's a short chapter. I know. Kill me. But I'm already halfway through Chapter 20 and I thought that this was a good place to leave off. PM me with any questions or ideas and I will reply as soon as I can. Ok? Ok! Until next time...which will be sooner than last time...see ya! Oh wait...can we get to 193 reviews guys? I know it's a lot to ask since I've been gone for so long...but I don't care as long as we try? You can literally say something as simple as "Good job" or "This sucked". Either way.;)