Guys. I just got 200+ reviews on my first Fanfiction...THANK YOU SO SO SO SO SO MUCH! I cannot believe I have gotten this far! I know I've said that a lot of times before but I just have to say it each time I reach a milestone! But ok. I know that probably only about half of you are actually reading this right now, so I'll make this short and we can cut straight to the good stuff!
Disclaimer: I just said I wrote a Fanfiction story. Not a published story. So I don't own Divergent.
Chapter 21
Tris' POV
I sit in the bathroom for a few more minutes, too shocked and weak to get up. After a while, I shakily stand myself up, using the counter for support. I flush the toilet and feel like collapsing again.
What did I just do?
Did I just screw up any chances I ever had with Four? Did I just tell him my deepest, darkest, secrets, only to have him leave a moment later? Is he already gone? Or is he still outside this door, waiting for me?
What did I just do?
Did he realize that it is my fault? That I could've saved my family if I wasn't so selfish? That I could've, at the very least, let the paramedics get to my mom to save her? That it's my fault they're dead?
What did I just do?
Did he actually figure out how broken I really am? Has he finally realized that he could do much better than me? Than me, the stupid, selfish, ugly, violent, broken, cowardly girl? Did he leave to go get another girl who would be much hotter and have a better personality than me?
What did I just do?
Did I just tell him I tried to kill myself? Did I tell him I cut? Did I tell him I don't eat? Did I tell him that my family died because of me? Did I tell him I was raped because of a stupid decision I made? Did I tell him I was bullied and beaten every day? Did I really just make this relationship, if there even was one anymore, complicated and horrible to be a part of?
What did I just do?
I can ask myself this question as many times as I want, but I know the answer to all of the recent questions. Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes. I did tell him my past. I did just add his name to the long list of people's lives I've screwed up. I did tell him I've tried to kill myself and I now cut and don't eat. I did tell him these things.
I know the answers to the question I've been asking myself, but I can't tell what the reaction to the answers will be like. I know I just possibly screwed up one of the best things in my life. I know that this relationship will probably never be the same, even if he does stay.
I stay leaning on the counter for a few more minutes until I feel enough strength to go back out there. It's better to face him sooner rather than later, right?
I slowly open the door. Four is sitting on my bed looking down, but as soon as he hears me take a step, his head snaps up to look at me. He quickly stands up. I feel my breaths become shallower and I desperately try to stay up.
We stare at each other for several minutes before Four finally speaks.
"I still don't think it's your fault."
I let out a short breath and shake my head in disbelief.
"How can you think that?"
"Because it's true. Anybody can see it Tris."
"No it's not true. It's my fault that my family is dead and it's my fault I was raped and it's my fault I was beaten. It was my decision not to eat. It was my decision to cut. And it was my decision to try to...try to kill myself."
I look down at the floor as I say these things. It's silent for a few moments.
After a few moments of silence, he nearly whispers, "When?"
He doesn't need to specify. I know what he's asking about.
"Before I came here."
It's silent again.
"What stopped you?" he whispers.
"Tori. She found me and took the pills away from me. I was in the hospital for days after that."
I am still looking at the ground, too afraid to see what his reaction is like.
"Do you-do you still cut?"
His voice sounds shaky as he asks it. This is one question I was hoping wouldn't be brought up. I feel a tear slide down my cheek and hit the ground after he asks this.
"Yes," I whisper, almost inaudible.
I hear Four walking towards me and I see his feet appear from under me. He gently places two fingers under my chin and tilts it up to meet his eyes. I'm surprised to see tears in his ocean blue eyes.
"Why?"
If we weren't so close I wouldn't have heard him. But I did. His voice sounds strained, almost inaudible, pained. More tears slip down my cheek.
"It's how I deal with pain. I deserve it." I whisper just as softly.
I feel like breaking down when I see a tear escape his eye. I raise my hand and wipe it off, trying to hold my sobs in.
"No. No you don't."
I nod my head. "Yes I do. I've screwed up so many lives. I deserve each cut I give myself."
"You haven't screwed up other people's lives. They've screwed up yours."
I close my eyes and shake my head.
"Yes Tris. Have you ever thought, that just maybe, it isn't your fault you're like this? That it's the drunk driver's fault? That it's Eric's fault? That it's Hailey and Taylor's fault? That it's your school's fault?"
I think for a moment. I never have thought about it because I know it's my own fault.
"No," I whisper.
"Well you should."
"But I don't. I know it's my fault."
"No, it's not. Just, hear me out, okay?"
I open my eyes again to meet his. I think for a moment. It wouldn't hurt to hear what he has to say. I nod at him.
"If Eric wouldn't have been so evil, he wouldn't have-"
He takes a deep breath and clenches his fists before continuing.
"-raped you. You would probably still be together. You would still be the same."
I frown.
"You know I'm right Tris."
He can't be right. It's my fault he was so evil. If I hadn't been so naive, he wouldn't have raped me.
"He took advantage of you because of his personality. It was never your fault he was like that. You couldn't have changed him, no matter how hard you tried."
Four can't be right...can he?
"I don-"
"Just let me finish, okay?"
I stare at his for a few moments before sighing. I nod, signaling him to go on.
"If it weren't for that drunk driver, you would still have your family. You would still be the same. It's not your fault you couldn't warn them in time. No amount of time could have saved them. Everyone knows it Tris. The only reason Eric said it was your fault was to break you more. To make you an easier target. It's not your fault."
I shake my head as more tears slip out. He can't be right. He just can't be.
"It's not your fault you were beat each day. It may seem hard to believe, but nothing you could've said or done would've changed what they did to you. Trust me, I would know."
I frown and look up at him.
"What do you mean?"
He takes a deep breath.
"My father-"
He sounds disgusted at the word father.
"He used to beat me."
I gasp and my hand flies up to my mouth. Tears leak out of my eyes once again as he goes on.
"It could've been the smallest thing. I could've missed a spot on the floor I was supposed to clean and he would beat me. It was always my fault. It was my fault that he was doing that to me. I caused it to happen."
"That wasn't your fault," I whisper.
"I know that now. So you being beaten wasn't your fault either."
I frown and let out a breath.
"You said it wasn't my fault, right? It wasn't my fault I was beaten?"
I slowly nod.
"Then you being beaten can't be yours."
I take a moment to let this sink in. It has to be my fault...but it isn't. If it's not Four's fault he was beaten, then it can't be my fault either. But if I wouldn't have been so stupid then it wouldn't have happened...would have it? This is all too confusing.
"It's not your fault Tris. If you believe it's your fault, then me being beaten is my fault as well."
He has me trapped here. If I say it's my fault then it's his fault too. I know it's not his fault. But then it can't be mine either.
Then I have a thought. Does his father still beat him? Where is he now?
"Where is your..."
I trail off at the word 'father'. He obviously wasn't pleased with the word being used to describe someone who is or had been beating him. It doesn't shock me at all. Who would want to use that word to describe that type of person? The only problem with that is not knowing which word to use since 'father' is out of the question.
"He's not still with me if that's what you're wondering."
I let out a sigh of relief.
"Where is he now?"
"I don't know. I don't care. He left me a note a few months ago and said he was leaving. He said he was forced to pay all the regular bills, but he left money for food, school, and other little things.. He said if I ran out he would have to come back and teach me another 'lesson'. But he's gone now and that's all I care about."
I frown. Where is his mother then?
"What about your mom?"
He winces. "She died when I was 7."
My eyes widen and I'm filled with guilt for asking him about it.
"I'm so sorry, Four. I didn't know-"
"It's fine Tris. There was no way you could've known."
I stare back down at the floor. We sit in silence for a few minutes
"It's Tobias."
I look up confused.
"What?"
"My name. It's Tobias."
I smile a little bit.
"Tobias...it suits you."
"Could you do me a favor and call me that when it's just you and me? It's nice to hear my name again."
"I'd love to."
He smiles at me. I smile back. Then my smile fades.
"When did he start?"
"When my mother died. He's been beating me for 10 years."
10 years?! He must see the shock in my eyes.
"It's okay, Tris. He's gone now."
"But still. 10 years?"
He nods.
"Can-can I see them? I mean, you don't have to show me, I just-"
He nods, cutting me off. "Only if I can see yours."
This makes me stop and think for a moment. Then I nod.
"Ok."
He turns around and starts to slide off his shirt. Once it's off, I see his back. It's covered with more white scars than skin. I feel tears sting my eyes as I reach out and touch one. I hear Tobias suck in a breath. I gently trace my fingers along the scars.
"Why would he do this?" I whisper.
"He was evil. He didn't need a reason."
"But you're so...perfect. You didn't deserve this."
"Neither did you."
I bite my lip as I feel myself maybe start to believe him. I take my fingers off his back and instead take my sleeves and push them up to my elbows. I stare at my arms for a second. They're covered with tinier white scars. I pull my sleeves back down, starting to regret that I said he could look at them.
He puts his shirt back on and turns around to face me. He gently takes my arm and before I can protest, he pushes up the sleeve. I look down at the floor while he looks at it. Will he leave me now that he sees how broken I really am? Will he be disgusted by what I've done to myself and walk out the door?
A couple of minutes pass and I feel Fo-Tobias' hand on my cheek, lifting it up so I'm looking into his eyes. He stares at me for a few seconds, then I feel his lips on mine. It only takes me a second to kiss him back. It lasts for a minute or two before we pull back. Once we catch our breaths, I remember that I still haven't asked him about Haviland.
"Tobias?"
He smiles.
"Ya?"
"I need to ask you about something."
"Ok..."
I take his hand and lace my fingers through his. He squeezes my hand and I smile.
"It's more like a favor."
"Ask away."
I take a deep breath. "Tori and I were talking about my hometown. It's where my family is buried. Every year, they have this fair. I was going to invite you and the gang to come with me and Tori to it. We'd miss about a week of school though."
He smiles. "I'll come. I'm sure the rest of the gang will too."
"There's one more thing."
He raises an eyebrow as I look to the ground.
"I was going to go visit my family...Tori said she wasn't going to come with me and I was wondering...well...I was wondering if maybe...if maybe you could come with me?"
He tips my chin up with his fingers. He's smiling.
"You worry about the littlest things. Yes, I'll come with you."
I sigh and smile in relief. "Thank you."
"You don't need to thank me."
We start into each other's eyes for a moment until Tobias breaks the silence.
"What are you going to tell the gang?"
I sigh. "Tori and I talked about this. I think I'm just going to ask them if they want to come with me to my hometown's fair. Tori said it shouldn't be too suspicious. But I'm not sure."
"Well Tori's right."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. I'm sure. They won't think of anything other than what you tell them."
I nod. "I need to tell them soon though...it's only 2 weeks away."
"Then you better get to it," he says and smiles.
"That's exactly what Tori said."
We stay silent for a few more minutes. I close my eyes. I open them back up again when Fo-Tobias pushes my hair back behind my ears.
"My real name isn't Tris."
I figured since he told me his name, then I should tell him mine.
"So I figured."
"It's Beatrice."
He thinks for a moment.
"Tris suits you much better."
"Good. Because I hate Beatrice."
He chuckles. "Got it."
"I'm sorry about earlier. I didn't mean to start a fight," I say quietly after a few minutes silence.
"It's not your fault. I shouldn't have acted like I did. And you still haven't admitted that being beaten isn't your fault."
I look down and whisper, "I know."
"Tris, please look at me."
I slowly look up to meet his eyes.
"It's not your fault. None of what happened to you is your fault. I know you don't believe me right now. But I at least need you to admit that being beaten isn't your fault."
I look away again. I open my mouth to say that it's not my fault, but I close it. It is my fault. If I wouldn't have let my family die, I wouldn't have been beaten and bullied every day.
"I-I can't," I admit.
I close my eyes as I feel a tear that I didn't know was there being gently wiped off.
"Tris..."
"I just can't, okay?"
I open my eyes to meet his.
"I've spent these past 2 years telling myself that it's my fault my family died. That it was my fault I was bullied and beat up every day. And I've spent 3 other years blaming myself for what Eric did to me. That it was my fault he did what he did. I can't just throw all those years of thoughts and memories away. I can't just tell myself opposite of what I've been thinking for all those years. I can't. I'm not strong enough to do that. Ok? I'm sorry Tobias, but I can't do that."
My vision is blurred with tears by the time I finish and I'm looking down again, trying not to cry again. Instead of continuing to try to convince me it's not my fault, he tips my chin up to meet his eyes. He looks at me for a few seconds and then he kisses me.
I close my eyes and focus on his lips on mine instead of the awful thoughts threatening to take over my mind. I pour all of my emotions into the kiss; sadness, fear, anxiety, and guilt. I wrap my arms around his neck and he wraps his arms around the small of my back, pulling me closer to him. We kiss for I don't know how long. It's only when I feel a cold tear on my cheek that he pulls back. He must've felt it too. I keep my eyes shut as I feel him wipe it away. I open them a few moments later and find myself staring into his. We sit here like this for a few minutes before I finally break the silence.
"Thank you," I whisper.
"For what?"
He looks genuinely confused.
"For everything. For being here. For not leaving after everything I've told you. For not thinking I'm a freak."
He smiles a bit at the last comment.
"I could never think you're a freak," he mumbles softly.
"Thanks. You being here means more to me than you know."
He kisses me for a few seconds.
"You don't need to thank me."
I smile and after a few seconds, place my head in the crook of his neck. His hands move to the middle of my back and hug me tightly. I close my eyes and find myself relaxing more the longer I'm in his embrace.
"Thank you," I whisper again.
"Stop saying thank you. You don't need to."
I smile.
Ok! So Chapter 21 is done! It was really fun to write! I know it was shorter than usual. Sorry about that. But I honestly think that this chapter covered a lot of information and secrets. Like a continued Chapter 20. I felt it was best to keep Chapter 21 mostly as a part two to Chapter 20. If it makes you feel any better...I already am brainstorming details for 22. I have the outlines already! You will be seeing some more Fourtris.:) It's one of my favorite things to write. And from the reviews I can tell that you like reading it too.;) It should be up in a couple of weeks! If not, it won't be long after that. Can we shoot for 230 reviews?