Ok I'm back!:) LET'S GET TO IT!

Disclaimer: I only own the plot. None of the characters or anything else.

Chapter 22

Tris' POV

"Can I ask you a question?"

We both are now lying in my bed. After our embrace we both decided to lay down and relax. It was only about 3:45 so we still had an hour and 15 minutes before Tori was going to be back.

My head is on Tobias' chest and our hands lay interlocked on top of his stomach. My other hand is clutching the necklace around my neck while Tobias' other hand strokes my hair.

"Sure," I say.

"When you dye your hair...why black, blue, and gray?"

I hesitate for only a second.

"Blue was Caleb's favorite color. Dad's was gray. Mom's was black. When I decided to dye it I dyed it all those colors that way it'd be like I had a little piece of them whenever I went somewhere."

"Is that why your room is painted the same way?"

"Yeah."

It's silent for a little bit.

"Do you play the piano?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"I just saw the piano in here and thought I'd ask."

I think for a minute.

"I used to play it a lot. I got it when I was 12. Birthday gift."

"Used to?"

I sigh.

"My mother taught me everything I needed to know before I started on my own. We used to do duets and I used to put on mini concerts for her and my family. It was sort of my mother's and I's thing. I haven't played since..."

I trail off, not completing the sentence. I feel him nod though, understanding how that sentence was supposed to end.

"Why do you keep it?"

"Memories, mostly. I thought about selling it, but when Tori and I moved I couldn't bring myself to do it. I actually painted it when we moved it here. It used to be white."

"Really? You did that?"

I nod again.

"Wow."

"What?"

"It looked like it was bought black. You did a damn good job."

I feel a light blush spread across my cheeks at the compliment and mumble, "Thanks."

I close my eyes and focus on his hands; one in my hair and the other interlocked with mine. My mind drifts to Haviland. What will it be like when we go back? If and when I see Hailey and Taylor, what will they do? Will they insult me like they used to do? Will they leave me alone? Will they feel guilty and apologize?

I extremely doubt the last possibility. I guess there's a chance it could happen. I can't see Hailey doing that I suppose, but I can see Taylor maybe doing that. She was always nicer than Hailey. After the first day I came back, she mostly left me alone while Hailey did the talking. I won't get my hopes up though. Yes, I hate them both. But it doesn't change the fact that they were my best friends once upon a time.

I wonder what school is like there now? Is it different without having someone to taunt and throw around? Or have they targeted someone new? Is Eric still king of the school? Is Hailey still the queen?

I wonder how Caleb's friends are. I never really knew how they took the news. I never saw them in the crowd of taunts thrown towards me each day. As far as I know, they all liked me. So they had no reason to take down what was once their best friend's little sister. They've graduated by now though. They would've graduated the year I left Haviland. I wonder where they are now and whether they went to nerd colleges like they always talked about? They probably did. That's all they ever talked about it seemed like.

Tobias' voice interrupts my line of thoughts.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

"Just thinking about what'll happen when I make an appearance back home again and what it's like now."

Then I realize that I haven't even told Tobias where 'home' was yet.

"Oh my gosh, I feel like a complete idiot right now."

He chuckles. "Why is that?"

"I haven't even told you where we're going."

"And why do you feel like an idiot?"

"Cause you just agreed to go somewhere with me without even knowing where the somewhere is at."

He chuckles again. "I don't care where it's at. As long as it's not halfway across the world, which I doubt it is, I'm going. I'd do anything for you."

I stay silent for a moment, contemplating what he just said.

"Do you really mean that?"

"Every word."

My heart swells a bit at his words. How'd I end up with Tobias? He could have literally any girl he wanted, yet he chose me. The broken, ugly, selfish, weak, and cowardly one. The one with baggage.

"Why? What's the matter?"

I smile a little bit. "Nothing is the matter. I've just never had anybody say anything to me like that."

"Well you should have."

"Why?"

"Because you're amazing."

I feel my cheeks heat up again.

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are. You're amazing, beautiful, brave, selfless, smart, strong,-"

"Woah, woah, woah. I'm none of those things you just said. In fact, I'm the exact opposite of what you just said. I'm not amazing. I'm not brave or selfless or smart or strong. And I'm sure as hell not beautiful."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes."

"You're kidding me, right?"

I wince at his words, remembering that the last time he said that we had a major argument.

"I'm not looking to start a fight, Tris," he says as if reading my mind.

I breathe a small sigh of relief.

"Do you really think that about yourself?"

I frown. "Yes...it's the truth."

"No. No, no, no. That's not even close to the truth. Tris, you're beautiful. I don't care if anybody ever says differently. Don't listen to them because to me you'll always be the most amazing girl I've ever met."

Does he really mean that? He sounds like he does. If he didn't mean it, he wouldn't have gone to the trouble to tell me it.

I unlock my hand from his and sit up so I'm looking down at him. He is still lying down, but is looking at me.

"You really mean that," I say, more as a statement than a question.

"Of course I do."

He sits up and cups my cheek.

"Tris, you're the most beautiful, most selfless, most brave, most strong, most intelligent, most amazing girl I've ever met."

I feel the stinging of tears in my eyes but I push them back to stare at Tobias. I search his eyes for anything that would say he was lying, but all I see is honesty and wonder. Suddenly, I feel that the space between us is too large and I lean in, closing the distance.

We kiss for a couple of minutes before we both pull back for air. Tobias places his forehead on mine and I open up my eyes again. I softly smile at him and he takes his forehead off mine and softly places his lips on it instead.

We sit in silence for a few minutes, just enjoying each other's presence. I close my eyes. I honestly don't know what I'd do without him. I don't even want to think about where I would be in life without Tobias. He's helped me so much this past month I've known him. And he's stayed by my side the whole time. He's gotten to know the worst side of me, yet he's still here, telling me I'm amazing. The most amazing part though, is that all I see in his eyes are honesty. I know I'm not amazing, but he believes I am.

"What are you thinking about now?"

I feel his lips brush my forehead as he speaks, causing me to smile again.

"You," I whisper.

He smiles and we sit in comfortable silence for a couple of minutes.

"It's in Ohio," I say.

"Your hometown?"

I nod. "It's on the edge of the left border. It's about 3 to 4 hours away from here."

"That's not far at all."

I shrug. "I guess it could be worse."

"It could definitely be a lot worse."

A sudden thought comes to my brain.

"You can't hurt Eric if you see him. You can't."

He frowns. "But what if he tries-"

"He's not going to try and hurt me. Not with you and, quite possibly, the gang around. He may seem like no bark and all bite, but he's not stupid. He would know he's outnumbered. He wouldn't try anything."

He sighs. "You sure about that? He tried something at a party. And was successful."

I wince at that statement. I smile sadly and bite my lip, looking down.

"It was my fault he was successful though. He tricked me. And it was pretty damn easy to do so."

"He had a knife, Tris. He knew he'd have trouble and was going to use force to get what he wanted. He obviously wasn't planning on saying 'Oh that's alright. I mean, if you don't want to do this then we won't' if you told him to stop. He brought the knife for a reason. And it wasn't to play pirates."

I stay silent, not knowing exactly what to say. Eventually, I decide to ignore the last comment he made. The sentence that comes to my mind is false, but I say it anyways.

"He won't try anything."

The words sound false coming from my mouth, but I said it with just enough false confidence that I almost made me believe that he wouldn't try anything.

"You sure about that," he asks quietly.

I slump down. Of course I'm not sure.

"He won't try anything."

The words that come out don't sound anything like the first time I said them. It's funny how different two sentences that are the exact same can sound completely different.

The first time I said them, they had a trace of confidence in them, even if it was false. My tone was halfway strong. This time, the words sound completely different. They sound different because of the feeble attempt I made trying to convince myself he wouldn't try anything. My tone was weak...false...defeated.

I slump even more. Anybody could tell that I didn't truly believe that. I would've been horrible in Candor.

"That's what I thought."

I sit there for a minute in silence, just staring at the bed until I can't focus on anything anymore because of the wet blur in my eyes. I know Tobias is right. And now he knows he is too.

I hear him sigh.

"Come here," he mumbles quietly.

He pulls me sideways onto his lap and I bury my head in his neck, refusing to let too many tears escape. I curl up in a small ball and put my arms on his chest. He wraps his arms around my small body and slowly rocks me back and forth. I feel like I'm a little kid again. This strikes a memory and I close my eyes, getting lost in it.

Flashback

"Mommy! Daddy!"

I'm 11 now. Mom and Dad left for a business trip a few days ago, so it's only me and Caleb. Caleb is 13 so we are allowed to stay home alone without anyone babysitting us.

I look over at the clock. It's only 11:45.

I just woke up from another nightmare. Mom and Dad's plane crashed and they died. I always get nightmares when they leave us. Mom doesn't like leaving us alone and she avoids it as much as possible, but sometimes they both have to go away for a week or 2. Christmas was 6 days ago. Our parents stayed for Christmas and the day after, but left after that. So it's been 4 days. Still have 5 more days to go.

It's December 31. I went to sleep knowing that when I would wake up, it would be a new year. That didn't happen though. My nightmare woke me up before midnight.

After laying in silence for 5 more minutes, I crawl out of bed and walk to Caleb's room. I slowly open the door. I can hear the TV so I know he's awake. I open the door a bit more and can see him flipping through the channels. His hair is shaggy and slightly damp from his shower.

"Cal?"

His head turns to me. He turns down the TV and sets down the remote on the table next to him. I see that he is getting ready for the ball to drop.

"Why are you still awake Beatrice?"

"I-I was asleep. I woke up."

"Did you have another nightmare?"

I nod. He sighs.

"Come here."

I walk over to him and sit next to him on his bed. He picks me up and sets me in his lap. I curl up slightly, trying to make myself smaller. I put my head in his neck and he rocks back and forth.

"Nothing is gonna happen to them while they're gone. I promise."

I nod sleepily. I close my eyes and start to fall asleep. I'm seconds away from sleep when I hear the faint cheers from the TV and Caleb whisper in my ear.

"Happy New Years, Bea."

End of Flashback

I squeeze my eyes shut tightly, trying not to let the tears escape. I try to imagine Caleb's arms around me the same way Tobias has his now.

It works for a second and I can feel Caleb's soft and comforting arms. I swear I can smell the slight scent of the Axe body wash he used and his green apple shampoo. I can hear his voice in my ear as he whispered Happy New Years.

But just as soon as the feelings came, they were gone and I'm back in Tobias' arms. I choke back a sob.

Don't cry, Tris. Don't cry.

A few tears escape my eyes against my will before I realize that right now, I'm not just Tris. I'm not just the black, blue, and gray haired girl. I'm not just the girl who cuts. I'm not just the girl who doesn't eat. I'm not just the girl living with Tori. I'm not just the girl living without my true family. I'm not just the girl living in Chicago.

Right now, I'm the blonde haired girl. I'm the girl who is selfless and brave and happy. I'm the girl still living with my family. I'm the girl who's room is right next to her brother's. I'm the girl who plays the piano and loves school. I'm the girl living in my small town. I'm the girl living in Haviland, Ohio.

The tiny sliver of Beatrice that Tris tried so hard to get rid of is now showing herself; reminding me that she will never go away. And I can't get angry because Beatrice doesn't get angry. Only Tris does. I can't cry because Beatrice almost never cries. Only Tris does.

Beatrice doesn't know that she is Tris. And Tris refuses to believe that she is Beatrice. Beatrice had little time before she became Tris. And to Tris, it seemed like decades ago since Beatrice was still living. Beatrice wants to remember everything in her life. Tris wants to forget.

But Beatrice is still living. Not was. The more I think, the emptier I feel. I think that both Tris and Beatrice are leaving me for the time being. They're leaving me while I try to figure out why Beatrice suddenly decided to show up and remind me she's not gone. They're leaving me while I figure out what piece of the puzzle I'm missing.

I feel my head become hollow and light. It makes it much easier to think. My eyes dry of the tears and I no longer have the feeling to cry. In fact, I don't feel anything right now; I don't feel Tobias' arms around me. I don't feel any emotions. All I feel...is completely empty.

Beatrice and Tris are opposites...but they are the same person. They both balance each other out; when one of them doesn't have something, the other is sure to have that something they need.

Beatrice saw the good in everything and everyone. After she realized it was a mistake, Tris made sure to see the bad too. They both worked together to give each other what they needed.

Beatrice was beaten and bullied almost every day after her family died. Tris encouraged her to keep walking. Encouraged her to keep putting one foot in front of the other and get through the day. Encouraged her to stay strong throughout those awful months. Tris knew that Beatrice couldn't survive without her.

Then Beatrice left Haviland and Tris took over.

Tris was determined not to let anyone past her walls, but Beatrice encouraged her to move on. Encouraged her to make friends. Encouraged her to let them all in. Beatrice knew that Tris couldn't survive on her own.

Without each other, Tris was a wreck, and Beatrice was completely lost. I see that now. I see that I can't just choose to be one or the other. It's a recipe for disaster. I realize that the reason that Beatrice wouldn't go away, was because if she did, Tris would be dead inside.

And suddenly, that last puzzle piece snaps into place. It makes everything crystal clear.

Tris can't survive without her other half. And neither can Beatrice. I've been living with both of them all my life. The only thing I didn't know until 2 years ago, was who Tris was. Tris never overthrew Beatrice. She never wanted to. My life wasn't good because Tris and Beatrice weren't working in harmony anymore. After my head cleared out and after Tris and Beatrice left me, I remember how empty I felt. I still feel the same. I realize that this is what I would've felt like if I had wanted to throw Beatrice away. If I had thrown her away.

I've been living as Tris for a long time now. But I'm Beatrice too. I can't just be Tris. Because that's not me. Not anymore.

Ok...so I'm back! Sorry about the wait...I'm actually surprised I got this done before school. But before I continue on my little ramble I'll talk about what kinda just happened since I know some of you are probably confused.

So basically, Tris was just thinking of that moment with Caleb that she had before New Years. When she was brought out of the memory, she told herself not to cry. It usually works for her, but when it didn't, she realized that she wasn't Tris in that moment. She was Beatrice. She started thinking about who she was, and then she realized that she didn't know. She didn't know exactly who she was. She didn't see that the Beatrice in her has been with her the whole time she was Tris and vice versa. She realizes that both Beatrice and Tris are huge parts of her, but can't work well without a little bit of the other person with her at the same time.

It was the Beatrice in her that agreed to Tori's statement about making friends and it was the Beatrice in her that allowed Tobias inside her walls. She realizes that she can't only be one girl and pick and choose which one she wants to be everyday. She has to be both in order to function right. She also feels how it would be like if she had gotten rid of the Beatrice in her. And at the end, she knows that she can't block out Beatrice completely anymore. She has to be able to see the good in things.

And no. She's not gonna be brought of her thoughts as a changed person or anything like that. Like I said, she just knows she needs to stop trying to get rid of that sliver of Beatrice. One of the reasons she's so broken is because she stopped seeing the good in things and stopped trusting others. So yes, she'll change a little bit, but nothing too drastic. But this part needed to be in there because it's Tris finding herself. That's important. But if you have any more questions, you can PM me and I'll answer as soon as I can!

But anyways...now that that's over with. I may not be able to update as often (yes, I know, again) because school starts Thursday. I've had 2-a-day volleyball practices all week and it's only next week when we go to 1-a-day. So I had a bunch more written that was going to still be part of this Chapter, but I decided to copy it over to 23 because I felt that this was a good stopping point.

I have a challenge for y'all...do you guys think you can get me to 250 reviews?! I THINK YOU CAN. Thank you guys so much for 242! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS! YOU'RE AMAZING!:):):) Thank you to all my readers, reviewers, favorites, and followers! You mean so much to me! Every time I get an email from Fanfiction saying I have a new review or favorite or follower I just smile this huge ass smile and am in a good mood for the rest of the day. So can we try for 250!? LET'S DO THIS.