Learning To Let Them In

by aubreylovesthegames

Tris is broken. She is alive, but she isn't living. One day took everyone from her. She and her guardian, Tori, decide to move to Chicago for a fresh start. Tris pushes away everyone she meets, not wanting any 'friends', but that becomes a little difficult when the boy next door, Four, slowly starts to break her walls down, piece by piece. What will happen? Will Tris let them in?

23. Chapter 23

So can any of you guess what today is!? Huh?! Huh!? HUH!?

THAT'S RIGHT! AUGUST 26! But know why this day is so special? Because exactly one year from today, I published the first chapter of this story, expecting to get a few favorites and followers, and 5-10 reviews. You know what I got? I got 255 reviews, 228 followers, and 162 favorites. Like, HOLY CRAP GUYS THANK YOU SO MUCH! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO ME! I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE GOTTEN THIS FAR! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!:):):):):):) I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH! I literally have tears in my eyes guys! THANK YOU AGAIN SO MUCH!

Disclaimer: Blah blah blah blah. I'm not gonna be arrested if I don't do this every chapter. So blah. Blah. Blah.

Chapter 23

(STILL) Tris' POV (Sorry bout that.)

My head starts to feel normal again and I don't feel empty anymore. I hear a voice as my ears start to function again.

"Tris!"

I feel a pair of hands on my shoulder, shaking me. My eyes fly open and I'm surprised to find that I'm no longer in Tobias' arms, but am under them.

"Oh, thank God."

He's leaning over me with a half worried-half relieved look in his eyes. I frown.

"What?"

"You passed out Tris! You scared the shit out of me! I thought something was wrong!"

My eyes widen. "I-I did?"

"Yes!"

I frown again. "How long have I been out?"

"It's been 20 minutes now! I've been trying to wake you up! Are you okay?"

I try to sit up but Tobias pushes me back down gently.

"I'm fine Tobias...I didn't think I passed out...I just...I was just thinking...and..."

I trail off. Did I pass out when I felt my head go light? When I could finally think straight? That must've been when it happened. I look back up at his eyes and see that the relieved look in his eyes is gone, but the worried expression is still there along with some unshed tears. I reach up and gently run my fingers along the side of his face and my thumb across his lips.

"Hey I'm okay," I whisper. "Don't worry about me. I'm fine. Please don't cry. Please don't."

I try to sit up, and this time he lets me. He closes his eyes for a moment. When he opens them back up, there isn't a trace of tears and only a little bit of his worried expression is left there.

"Are you sure you're ok?"

I nod. "I'm sure."

He still looks skeptical but he stands up and offers me his hand, which I take gratefully. Once I'm up, I'm pulled into his arms.

"Don't do that to me again."

I wrap my arms around his middle and squeeze him tight, knowing that I won't hurt him.

"I'm so sorry."

He kisses the top of my head. I pull back a few moments later and place my lips on his, reassuringly. When we pull back I rest my forehead on his.

"I'm okay. I promise."

"Why did you pass out?"

"I'm not exactly sure...I just remember thinking and my head feeling light. It was like it emptied out everything and I could actually think straight...I did a lot of thinking in 20 minutes. It felt like longer."

He raises an eyebrow at the tiny smile that just formed on my face.

"What were you thinking about that caused you to pass out?"

"The missing puzzle piece," I almost whisper.

He looks confused. I shake my head.

"It's nothing."

"Well it's gotta be something."

"It's impossible to explain. Trust me."

He stares at me for a few moments before replying.

"It's nothing like Eric or anything...right?"

"No. It's nothing like Eric."

"Then I guess I can let this one go..." he trails off, looking wary of his answer.

"It's nothing bad or dangerous. Ok?"

He nods. I close my eyes and focus on breathing. After a few minutes of this, I pull back and look at the clock. 4:32. I let out a yawn and turn back into Tobias' arms.

"You tired?"

I look up at him.

"I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in a while. So I am tired, but only a little bit."

Ok...so I'm tired beyond belief. Let's see how long it takes for Tobias to call me out on that lie. One Mississippi, two missi-

"Don't lie. You're exhausted. I can tell."

I sigh. Not even two seconds. Next, I ask a question that I already know the answer to.

"How can you tell?"

"Well, for starters, your eyes look more distant. And then there's those purple bags underneath them."

I yawn again but try to stifle it as much as I can.

"And then there's that."

I open up my mouth to tell him that I'll be fine and I'll sleep tonight, but instead another yawn escapes it.

"Did you get any sleep at all last night?"

He skims his fingers under my eyes, staring at the deep purple marks that I know don't look any better than when I last looked at them.

"A little."

"How much?"

"I don't know...maybe a couple hours at most? And even then...it wasn't exactly the most 'peaceful' rest..."

He hesitates for a moment before asking, "How bad were they?"

He obviously knows that I'm talking about the nightmares. I shrug and look down at the floor. He sighs and tilts my chin up. I don't even fight it.

"So I'm taking it that they were really bad?"

"They start getting worse a couple of days before the twenty-eighth..then they start to go back to normal a couple days after," I say, my voice low.

"And what exactly is normal?"

"Usually somewhere between 2-5 a night..."

He slightly shakes his head. I would ask him why, but I see a hint of disbelief in his eyes. I guess my answer wasn't exactly what he was hoping for.

"How many did you get last night?" he asks quietly.

I let my eyes drift over to the side and back before answering.

"Too many to count...I lost track after ten..."

His eyes widen temporarily before they go back to normal.

"You need sleep."

"I'll be fine Tobias."

"Don't do that. You need sleep and you know it."

I clench my jaw and look to the side again.

"I'll sleep tonight."

"Let me know how that works out for you."

I look back at him and meet his eyes for a few seconds, then look away again.

"Tris, look at me."

I don't, but I know he'll force me to sooner or later.

"Tris."

His fingers run through my hair once before lifting my face up.

"Get some sleep okay?"

I stay quiet for a minute. I don't want to go to sleep. I don't want to face any more nightmares. Tobias is the only one who can calm me down after I have one. I say this from experience.

"Only if you stay with me," I quietly say.

I don't remember making the decision to say those words, but they're out now, and I can't take them back. I feel myself blush.

The corners of his mouth turn up a little bit.

"Of course."

"Wait-really?"

He leans down and kisses me softly for a few seconds.

"I'll stay with you for however long you want, okay?"

"Okay," I whisper and blush again.

He kisses me again. I pull back a couple of seconds later.

"I'm just going to go get changed real fast."

He kisses the tip of my nose. "Ok."

I smile at him and walk over to my dresser. I pull out new shorts. But now I don't know whether I should change into a long sleeved shirt or just a t-shirt. Tobias already knows about my cuts, but I'm still self conscious about showing them. They're ugly and something that I'm definitely not proud of. One hand is clutching a long sleeved shirt, and the other is clutching a short sleeved.

"Tris, what's wrong?"

He must be right behind me because even though his voice is low, I can hear him loud and clear. I say nothing. What would I say?

"Oh, I just don't know whether to cover my cuts up or to let them show. What do you think?"

Definitely not that. I feel his arms wrap around my stomach. I close my eyes and let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. I put the shirts down in the drawer, but am clenching my fists around them tightly.

"Tris, what's wrong?"

He whispers this and goosebumps travel down my body at the feeling of his breath upon my neck. I open my eyes and look down at the shirts again. He unwraps his arms from my stomach and reaches for my hands. His chest is pressed up against my back and I revel in the warmth.

His hands grab ahold of my clenched fists, and his fingers slowly pry them apart from the shirts. Once that's done, he looks at both of them and wsighs. He must know what I'm debating about. It's silent for a little bit.

"Wear the short sleeves."

I'm confused. Why would he want me to wear short sleeves? Why would he want to see my ugly cuts?

"Why?"

"They're a part of you, Tris. You can't change that. You can't make them go away. So you might as well not try and hide them. I've already seen them and I'm not judging you."

I don't really agree with him, but it's not worth arguing over. I grab the t-shirt and shorts off the ground and sit there for a few moments before standing up.

"I'll be right back."

I turn and go to the bathroom, making sure not to lock the door behind me. I don't want Tobias to worry. I look in the mirror before changing. What I see disgusts me.

I see dark purple rings under my eyes. My eyes, which were ugly to begin with, look even more gray and dead and distant. I have several scars around my temples from the wreck. My face looks paler than usual and my hair is a mess.

I look down at my exposed arms. I haven't worn a short sleeved shirt in a while. There are cuts all over; diagonal, straight, sideways, overlapping cuts lining all the way from my wrists to my forearms. Some are white and already permanent, while others are still red and raw. I really should've worn a long sleeved shirt. No one wants to see these ugly things. They may be a part of me, like Tobias said, but they're also a part of me that never should've happened.

I force myself to look away from my arms. I grab my hairbrush and comb through it, making my appearance a little better once it's done.

I stand in front of the mirror for a few moments before my gaze becomes fixated on the reflection of the razor in the shower. I slowly turn around. I look at it with my own eyes this time; not the mirror's. I automatically reach for it. Once I have it in my hand I just stare at it. Everything else, except the object in my hands, goes out of focus, and it's just the razor and me.

After staring at it for a long while, I hold it up above my wrist. Surely one little cut wouldn't hurt, right? Just one little slice, then I'd put it back. That wouldn't hurt anything, right?

...right?

I'm lying to myself. I know that if I did one cut, it would soon turn into 5, and those 5 would turn into 10. It's addicting.

It's like smoking. Once you have one cigarette, it seems near impossible to stop yourself from having another. Like alcohol. Once you have one sip, it turns into one beer, and that turns into one after another, after another, until you're eventually too drunk to ever remember anything. Like cookies. Once you have one, you keep sneaking more and more until you've almost eaten the whole batch. Like drugs. Once you've had one, it's hard to stop from reaching out to them again.

All of those things; cigarettes, alcohol, cookies, drugs, cutting. All of those things have one thing in common. Once you have one; one sip, one inhale, one bite, one cut, one pill. Once you have one, it's like they have this invisible rope that's constantly pulling you to them. You can try to avoid it, but you eventually find your way back to them. Your brain will be telling you to do the most logical thing, which would be to stop and do the right thing. But your body is doing the exact opposite. It's like it feels weighed down when you've listened to your brain and stopped. But once you find your way back, it's like it finally lets loose and relaxes and it feels...relieving.

I've tried to stop. But it lasted for only a few days before I couldn't help myself anymore. I did as I do now; staring at it, wondering if it's really worth it to make one more. Wondering if will really make you feel better. Wondering which is worse; regret and pain, or relief and weightlessness. Then realize that all four of those things are going to happen whether you make one more cut or not.

If you don't, your mind will feel relieved, weightless. But your insides will be regretful and squeezing with pain. But if you do, your mind will regret it, continually listing off people who would most definitely disapprove of the action. It'll keep listing them off, over and over again until you feel the pain of what you've done. The crushing guilt. But your body will feel lighter and relieved. So it doesn't really matter anymore. It won't matter what you do, because the results are the same in the end.

I hold it above my wrist for a minute, not making any movement. I tell myself to just bring it down slightly and run it across the skin. But my fingers won't cooperate. I'm frozen to the spot. I can't move, I can't speak, I can't look away. I can only stare at my razor and wrist, willing myself to bring it down just once.

I hear a knock on the door and know it's Tobias. How long have I been in here now? 5, maybe 10 minutes? It feels like eternity. I hear another knock, but I'm still frozen.

"Tris, you okay?"

Frozen. Can't move, can't speak, can't look away. Absolutely still.

C'mon Tris. Just a few more centimeters down and you'll feel better after. Just once. Just a few centimeters.

But I have a hard time believing my mind as it chants for me to go on. Will it make me feel better?

Yes.

Maybe.

Just do it Tris! Just do it already!

"Tris, if you don't answer me in 10 seconds I'm coming in."

Can't move, can't speak, can't look away. Frozen.

Hurry up Tris! You're running out of time! Do it now!

But I still stand there, frozen. Not doing anything except for listening to my mind egg me on and holding the razor above my wrist. I don't even know if I'm breathing right now. I hear the door creak open.

Now Tris! Do it now!

But I can't move. Can't speak. Can't look away.

"Tris!"

I hear his voice. It sounds urgent.

I somehow clench the razor tighter. I didn't tell myself to. It must've been my subconsciousness. I vaguely feel hot wetness on my cheeks. Are those tears? I don't remember my decision to let myself cry. But I realize once again that these things shouldn't surprise me.

Because I can't move, can't speak, can't look away. I'm still frozen.

"Tris, stop! Please."

His voice sounds strained and desperate; different from any of the tones I've ever heard him speak in.

Do it Tris! NOW!

"Please don't Tris. Please...please don't do this."

My mind suddenly takes on a new path.

Please don't do this, Tris. For Tori. For Christina. For Marlene. For Shauna. For Uriah. For Zeke. For Will. For Lynn. For Mom and Dad. For Caleb.

For Tobias.

I can finally speak again.

"I can't."

It's weak and shaky, but that sound is quickly replaced by a sudden clattering. It's not until my face is pressed up against something soft and my hands are pressed against the same thing without anything in them, that I realize I dropped the razor.

For the first time, I dropped the razor. I had an opportunity to add new cuts, and I didn't take it. I had a chance, but I blew it off. I held the razor for a long time without making any marks. And I don't know exactly why.

Except I do.

The thought of him was the one that kept me unmoving. Unwilling to listen to my brain. The thought of him was the one that made me speak again. The thought of him was what I needed to feel better. Not the razor. But him. Tobias. I need Tobias.

"Tobias."

His name comes out as a strangled sob and I feel him hold me tighter as I cry. After a few minutes, my sobs calm down and I'm left with tears slowly dripping down my cheek. His head moves from on top of mine. His lips move slowly against my cheek. Then he gently presses his left cheek to my right. I feel a slight wetness on his cheek. He's been crying. Something comes crashing down inside of me.

I made the strongest guy I know, cry. I'm the one who did that. I'm the one who upset him. I'm the one who he almost cried for earlier today. I'm the one thing he shouldn't have to worry about. The more I think, the lower my stomach drops.

I made him cry.

I step back quickly from his embrace and back up to the wall across from him. I look at the floor, unable to meet his eyes. I don't want to see the hurt in them.

"You might wanna go."

It comes out weak. I don't want him to go. I don't. Not one bit. But it'd be better for him if he did leave. He wouldn't have me dragging him down. He deserves a girl much better than me. He deserves someone beautiful, perfect, brave, selfless, kind, and who won't ever make him cry. He deserves someone with no baggage. He deserves someone much better than me. He deserves someone who is the complete opposite of me.

"No."

I bite my lip to try and keep back the tears that sprung into my eyes.

"You should," I whisper. I'm afraid if I use my voice it'll break. He's making this so much harder to do.

"I'm not leaving until I find out what this is about, Tris."

I squeeze my eyes shut. I hear his footsteps coming toward me. I open my eyes and look down to see his feet. I feel his hand on my cheek and step back, which makes his hand drop.

"Don't."

My voice cracks in the middle of the word.

"Just don't. You're making this so much harder than it has to be."

"Making what harder?"

I take a deep breath and let it go slowly.

"Making what harder, Tris?"

His hand comes back to cheek, but I take another step back. I hear him take a step forward. I back away again and my back presses up against the wall. He steps forward, but I can't move back any farther so I can't push his hand away when it comes to my cheek again. I let out another slow breath.

"Trying to get you leave."

"And why would you do that?"

"You need to."

"Why?"

"You just need to, okay?"

"Why?"

I let out a frustrated huff and turn away from his grasp, but his other hand comes to other cheek and holds my face still. He tilts it up so my eyes finally meet his. And I can't look away. His eyes always captivate me.

"Tris, answer me."

"Why can't you just leave?"

My voice is softer.

"I don't want to."

"Why don't you want to?!"

"Why would I?"

I shake my head disbelievingly. Why wouldn't he want to leave?

"Umm...better question yet; why wouldn't you want to leave?"

"Tris...not this again."

"What Tobias? It's the truth, okay? I can think of a million different reasons you would want to leave right now. I can start off by saying you deserve so much better. I'm not pretty; in fact, I'm ugly. I'm selfish. I'm weak. I'm a coward. I'm not kind. I'm-"

He kisses me hard, probably to get me to shut up. He shouldn't be kissing me. I shouldn't be letting him. But I want to. So I let myself get lost in his lips for a few minutes. After those few minutes, I pull back.

"Tobias, I'm not done yet," I whisper breathlessly.

"Yes you are," he whispers back, then kisses me again.

After a few moments, I pull back again.

"You shouldn't want to kiss me."

"Tris, there's no one else I would want to kiss."

And when his lips find mine again, I don't try to pull away. I'm relieved that he wants to stay, but at the same time, I want Tobias to have what he deserves. But if he's staying with me right now, I don't want to try and push him away. I tried to make him see that I'm not what he deserves, but he wouldn't have any of it. Maybe he'll see it one day. But until that day, I'm going to enjoy as much of this as I can.

I don't know how long it is before we both pull back for air.

"Have we really only been doing this for a day now?"

I think. It has been only one day. It feels like it's been so much longer.

"It feels like we've been doing this for forever."

He lets out a small laugh. "Exactly."

Then my mind thinks of something completely off topic. I never texted back anybody. Except for Tobias. But if what he said was true, about nobody listening to the call, then they still don't know why I wasn't at school.

"Shit."

He looks concerned. "What?"

"I think I might die tomorrow."

Now he looks even more concerned, but really confused as well.

"What? Why?"

"Well if it won't be from the wrath the gang gives me for not answering them, it'll be from Christina's bone crushing hug that will probably suffocate me."

His face relaxes immediately and he even laughs.

"I'll call them."

I nod. "Thanks."

"I'll call Zeke or Uriah while you get changed. Tell them you were sick."

"Tell them I'll be back tomorrow."

He raises an eyebrow. "Are you sure you should do that?"

"I'll be fine. Today is the worst day of the year for me. It's the only reason I stayed home."

"And you say you aren't strong."

I frown. "I'm not."

He just shakes his head. "I'll call one of them while you get dressed, okay? Then after that, you are going to get some sleep."

I nod. He starts to walk towards the door, but stops and turns at last minute. He walks over to where the razor lies on the floor and pops the blade off.

"On second thought, I'm going to take this while you get dressed."

I blush, ashamed of what caused him to do that. He puts into his pocket carefully and walks out the door, shutting it behind him.

I hear his muffled voice speaking softly in the other room.

"She...sick but...back tomorrow. Uh huh. Just...some rest...be fine. Tell the others..make sure...don't kill her."

A laugh. And some more muffled speaking

I get changed quickly, avoiding the mirror when I walk back out. He's still on the phone when I come back out.

"Okay Zeke. I gotta go now. See ya tomorrow. Uh huh. Bye."

He hangs up. "He's gonna tell the others not to kill you and that you were just sick today. And that you'll be back tomorrow."

"Thank you."

"No problem."

I let out a yawn and he chuckles.

"Guess it's time to sleep, huh?"

I smile a little bit. "I suppose."

I look over at the clock. It's 5:02. Tori will be coming back soon.

"You can put the blade back if you want," I say, blushing.

He walks over to me and kisses my forehead.

"Only if you promise not to use it."

I take a deep breath. Can I do that? I almost don't make the promise and tell him to keep it, but then I remember earlier and know I can promise that.

"I promise."

He looks relieved and walks into the bathroom to put it back. I walk over to my bed and slide under covers. I close my eyes while I wait for him to come back. Then I hear the front door open and shut. Tori's home. I keep my eyes shut, still waiting for Tobias. I hear him come out of the bathroom as I hear Tori open my door at the same time.

"Hey Four. Nice to see you again," she says quietly. She must think I'm sleeping.

"Hey Tori. You too."

"Thanks for taking care of her."

She cut right to the chase, didn't she?

"Anytime."

"I can't say I'm too surprised to see you here though. I figured she'd want you."

"She told me to call her. When I did, she was crying and I left for free period to come here."

"Like I said, doesn't surprise me. If you want, you can go home. You might as well, since she's sleeping."

I don't want him to go home. He said he'd stay with me. I'm not ready for him to leave. I don't want to face the nightmares alone. My heart beats a little faster. My eyes fly open.

"Wait! I'm not sleeping!"

They both turn towards me. Tori smiles slightly and rolls her eyes. Tobias gives me a side smile.

"Please don't go..."

I feel myself blush. "You said you'd stay with me."

I stare at him for a moment before he turns his head towards Tori, as if asking permission. She's staring at me with a small smile on her face. She turns to Tobias and nods.

"I'll be downstairs if you need anything," she says and walks out of the room, shutting the door behind her.

He stands there, staring at me for a few seconds. I blush again.

"What?"

He smiles and shakes his head. "Nothing."

"No, what is it?"

"Nothing, trust me."

I raise an eyebrow but let it go. If he can let go the reason for me passing out earlier, then I can let go this simple thing.

"Okay."

He looks slightly surprised that I let it go, but the look is gone as soon as it came. He stands there for another minute staring at me and I start to feel like maybe I shouldn't have been so selfish and asked him to stay. He probably wanted to get away from me. He was probably really relieved when he thought I was sleeping. He was probably staring at me, waiting to see if he had to stay or not.

I look down at my hands. I hear his footsteps walk to me and stop. I look up and meet his eyes.

"I know what you're thinking, so stop. I wasn't staring at you because I wanted you to say I didn't have to stay."

Sometimes my mind is blown by how accurately he can read my mind just by watching my actions. This is one of those times.

"Then why were you staring at me?"

He brushes a piece of hair back from my cheek and tucks it behind my ear.

"Because I like looking at you."

I blush. "But why?"

"You're beautiful, that's why."

My cheeks flush an even darker red. I shake my head and open my mouth to tell him how I'm not beautiful, but his lips are on mine before I can. It's only brief, but it stopped me from talking.

"You at least need to let me get one compliment in there sometimes without you trying to argue."

I nod. "Okay, but no promises."

"You have to promise. Let me compliment you sometimes without you trying to argue, okay?"

I stare at him for a few moments. Then I nod.

"Okay..."

"So can I say something?"

"Not if it's a compliment."

"Too bad. I'm going to say it anyways. You're beautiful. Even when you're like this; pale, exhausted, and slumped, you're still beautiful."

My cheeks heat up again. "You said compliment me sometimes. That was part of the deal."

"You tried to argue with me last time. Not trying to argue was also part of the deal."

I let out a breath. "Fine. But no more today."

"Fine."

He walks around the bed to the other side and slips under the covers next to me. I scoot up to his chest. He drapes his arm over my hip and his other wraps around my upper back, bringing me closer. I wrap one arm around his waist and leave the other tucked into his chest.

"Beautiful," he mumbles.

My cheeks flush an even darker red.

"Tobias," I say in a little bit of a warning tone.

"Can't help it. You look so cute when you blush."

"We really need to work on how many compliments a day you get to give me and how often. Because I'm pretty sure this is exceeding the limit."

"No amount of compliments would ever be able to exceed the limit."

My cheeks feel even hotter. "Stop it, Tobias!"

He chuckles and kisses my forehead. "Ok. I will."

I get settled back into his chest again. Then I hear him whisper very quietly, "For now."

"Tobias!"

"What?"

He asked it so innocently. In fact, if I didn't know what he said, I might have believed that he hadn't said anything. I roll my eyes.

I bury my head in his chest and take a deep breath. I've always loved the way he smells. I immediately relax once I get a whiff. His scent has always reminded me of safety, which always calms me down; helps me to relax. I wish I could always fall asleep with him next to me like this.

I let out a yawn.

"Sleep. I'll fight the bad dreams off if they come to get you."

Another yawn. "With what?"

"My bare hands, obviously."

I smile and close my eyes. His hand rubs soothing circles on my back while the other holds me to him tightly. I'm not exactly sure when I fall asleep, but when I do, it's complete darkness. No bad dreams. Just peaceful, still, blackness.

Ok! So here is Chapter 23 for y'all!:):) Since its LTLTI's one year anniversary I'm going to up my review goal a bit! Can we get 266? I bet we can! Please just take 10 seconds of your time and leave a smiley face or something! Or if you wanna take a bit more time to tell me more about your thoughts and opinions on this chapter, then feel free to do that too! I'm happy with anything!:):):) Thank you guys so much! I CAN'T WAIT TO WRITE THEIR VISIT TO HAVILAND! I have a special twist coming that I doubt any of you are going to guess.;) But remember that the more reviews/favorites/follows that I get, the more motivated I am to write! I have school and everything, so once I get homework done for the night, most of the time I just want to sleep. So I need all the motivation I can get! So...266!? LET'S DO IT!:)