The details had been smoothed over with the doctor and within two weeks, Logan was starting the first round of his chemo and radiation. However, the following weeks were the worst. It all started a few days after his third round of chemo.
It was wearing him out, she could see it in the way he talked, the way he moved, the way he slept. Half the time, he'd be up for three hours before sleeping for another six. Add that to the almost constant vomiting, it was no wonder he slept a majority of the time. And while he slept, she watched him, never out of the room for too long in case he needed something. It was wearing her out too.
"Ace," he croaked from the bed. She looked over as he sat up. His skin was pale and sweaty and she could tell he was going to be sick. Before she could do anything, he had leaned over the bed and emptied the contents of his stomach into the bucket. The bucket had been an idea after the third round of vomiting after chemo because she couldn't always get it in time. This way, it would always be there. She stood up, taking him a glass of water.
"You okay?" He just nodded. She sat next to him, gently cupping his face. He had dark circles under his eyes, and he seemed smaller. She knew the fact he couldn't keep anything down contributed to this, but it worried her. "Are you going to be okay when I go to class?" He just nodded again. She had already set it up to where Finn and Colin were going to be over when she was at class.
When the two had arrived, she'd left with a kiss on his cheek and him telling her he loved her. Every time she left, she was always afraid it was going to be the last time she saw him. She knew it was irrational, but it was there. The constant knowing that the guillotine was above their heads.
It was her second class of the day, Economics with her grandfather, that her phone buzzed. She ignored it, continuing to pay attention to the lecture when her phone buzzed again and again until she couldn't ignore it anymore. She hated having to leave a lecture, hated having to take a phone call in the middle of class, but it must have been important if the unknown number continued to call. She stood, walking out into the hallway.
"Hello?" she asked as she looked back in to see Richard continuing the lecture.
"Rory, it's Colin. We're at New Haven Medical Center." Two sentences and she knew it was about Logan. She hung up, not waiting to hear the story, and entered the classroom in a haste, grabbing her items and practically running out of the building. Gilmore's did not run, but she ran.
On the drive, she called her mom. "Hey, kiddo," her mom answered. She could hear Paul Anka in the background.
"Mom, it's Logan. I just got a call from Colin saying they were at the hospital. Mom, what do I do?" She knew she was speeding, she didn't care. All she needed was her mom to tell her what to do.
"Hun, do you know what happened?" She answered with a weak 'no.' She hadn't waited that long, her one instinct to get there as fast as she could. "All you can do is be there like you've been the past month. It'll all be fine." In that moment, she knew how Logan felt at the doctor's appointment. Despite her mother's assurance it would be fine, she knew it was far from it. Logan was in the hospital. She had seen him that morning, nothing out of the ordinary, but now he was in the hospital and she didn't know why. How could she have been so stupid to not ask why? What if it was nothing? But also, what if it was serious?
She parked the car and got out, rushing into the ER. "I'm looking for Logan Huntzberger," she said to the receptionist.
"Are you family?" she asked in response. She had been through this before after his accident in Costa Rica, but this time she wasn't even allowed to see him?
"For the love of God!" she almost yelled. "I've sat with him every round of chemo so far. I'm the one who is there for him day and night, the one who has seen him so sick he can't stand up, the one who was there when he was told how long he has left to live and I can't see him?" The nurse looked shocked, but she knew it was hospital policy.
"I'm sorry." Rory rolled her eyes.
"Where are the two that brought him in? Colin McCrae and Finn. Finn's the Australian who hits on every woman he sees and is probably drunk right now." The nurse just looked at her, and she sighed. "Never mind." She pulled out her phone dialing Finn's number.
"Hello, Love," he said. His voice was soft, and she could hear the sadness.
"I'm in the ER, but they won't let me see him because I'm not family. Where's he at?"
"Room 107. Left at the nurse's station, third door on the right." She hung up, following the directions until she stood in front of the door. She saw Logan lying there in the hospital bed, Colin and Finn sitting on either side of him. He looked peaceful for the first time since his diagnosis. His chest rose and fell, he wasn't tossing or turning like he usually did. For a second she wanted to believe he was fine, that he wasn't sick. But the rhythmic beeping of the heart monitor and the IV told her otherwise.
"What happened?" she asked softly, walking into the room. Colin stood, allowing her to sit next to him. She took his hand in hers, running circles over the back of his hand with her palm.
"He stood up to get water, despite our assurance we'd get it for him. The next minute he was on the ground unconscious." She nodded, looking at Logan again. She could see a bruise starting to form on his cheekbone. He had probably hit his head on the way down.
"Ms. Gilmore," Dr. Martinez said as he walked in.
"Thank you for coming, Dr. Martinez. I know I'm not family, but I didn't know anybody better to come in than his doctor." The man nodded, looking at the chart and looking at the monitors.
"Has he been vomiting a lot?" She thought about it, already knowing the answer.
"He can't keep anything down for more than four hours. We tried the yogurt and toast and rice, and I've been hounding him about drinking water, but nothing stays down." He nodded again, looking at the chart.
"They've got him on an IV drip to try and balance out the electrolytes. Pretty much, he's been so sick that his body's natural balance of salt and electrolytes has been changed tremendously. When this happens, it's usually also accompanied with dehydration. I'm going to prescribe an anti-nausea medication called Zofran. If it continues, however, we need to look at different options. His body's weak enough as it is, adding dehydration on top of it can be extremely dangerous." She took it all in, and she blamed herself. She should have called Dr. Martinez earlier, or taken him to the hospital earlier.
"I'll see you at his next appointment. If you have any questions, you know how to reach me." And with that, he walked out. She held back the tears, trying to be strong for him.
"I'll go get coffee," Colin said softly, walking out of the room, leaving Finn and Rory with Logan.
"You can't blame yourself," Finn told her. "It comes with the territory. You can't save him from everything." She knew he was right.
"I've been trying to keep it together for him, Finn. I've gone to every doctor's appointment, to every round of chemo and radiation. I've sat up with him while he gets so sick, and I've sat up while he sleeps to make sure he makes it through the night. I'm so scared, Finn, and I can't tell him." For the first time since his diagnosis, she allowed herself to cry. She had been putting on a mask that hid everything from everybody. She hadn't even told her mom these things, afraid her mom would tell her things she didn't want to hear.
"Rory," Finn said, pulling her from her thoughts. "We all know you're scared. We are too. But hiding it from Logan never ends well. There's going to be the day - God I hope long from now - that we're going to lose him. And you'll think back to this and wish you had told him everything, and that you were happy with him while he was here. Not scared and hiding your emotions. Even if you don't know it, I know he knows. He picks up on that, especially when it's you. Be honest with him." She had never known Finn to hold so much wisdom, but apparently he did. "It's worth being able to comfort each other than to have the entire world on your shoulders, Rory."
After their little heart to heart, Colin returned with the worst coffee in the world. She had grown to disdain the watered down beans they tried to pass off as coffee, and that was saying something considering how much she loved coffee. But she drank it because it was better than nothing. She sat by his bedside for four hours before Colin and Finn took off, leaving her alone. Alone with her thoughts wasn't a good thing, so she did the one thing she thought could make it better.
"I know you're asleep, so I know you probably won't hear any of this. But it's worth a shot anyway. If I can say it to you now, I hope I can say it to you later when you're awake. I'm scared Logan. I'm scared of losing you. When I got the call from Colin, all I could think of was not wanting to lose you." She took a breath. "I've been trying to be strong for you. It's you who's dying, not me, but I still can't bear the thought of being without you. I had all these images from thirty or forty years down the line in my head that have been cut down to three. Three years? How am I supposed to have a life with you in three years? What am I going to do when you're gone?" She took another breath. "I feel bad, I feel selfish. You're the one who should be afraid, not me. But I'm so scared to lose you. I'm scared to go back to a life without you."
It wasn't long after her one-sided conversation that Logan woke up. She could see his confusion as he sat up.
"You had us worried, Sleeping Beauty," she said softly, leaning forwards towards him. He gave her a small grin - a hint at who he was before everything had happened.
"What happened?" he asked, looking at her. She smiled, taking his hand in hers.
"Dehydration from being sick all the time," she told him. "They have an IV to get you hydrated again and Dr. Martinez is putting you on an anti-nausea to see if it helps." He nodded. "You scared me. Colin called in the middle of my econ class. I was glad it was Grandpa who was teaching because I don't think anybody else would have been okay with me leaving in the middle of it."
"I'm sorry I made you miss classes, Ace." She shrugged. Did she hate missing class? Yes. But it made it a little bit better that it was an emergency.
"It's okay," she reassured him. With that, she sighed softly and he looked at her. She knew he knew something was wrong, and despite having told him earlier, she didn't know if she could tell it to him all over again.
"Rory," he said softly as she started to cry. For the first time, she let him see what she was feeling. But she also knew Finn was right. Logan had known about her fears longer than she had. "It's okay," he told her as she leaned onto the bed and he stroked her hair. "It's going to be okay." She wished she could believe those words, but she knew it wasn't going to be okay. It was far from okay. She was going to lose him. And there was nothing she could do.