They walked into the apartment, both quiet. He had been in the hospital for three days before they released him. In those three days, they hadn't said a word to each other. She was too afraid to tell him those fears, too afraid that she'd push him away. And she knew that's why he hadn't said anything to her either. She knew he was afraid of what was in her mind. As they sat on the couch, she turned to face him.
"I love you." Three words that broke her heart more than anything else. She didn't know how to respond. Normally, it would be an 'I love you too.' But it was met with silence as she felt the lump rise in her throat. She couldn't cry. Not again. She had to be strong. "You've got to talk to me," he then told her. "It's against the Gilmore handbook to not rant when something's wrong." His joke made her smile, but she also knew that to an extent it was true.
"I'm scared, Logan," she finally admitted. It was different telling Finn, not as true. Telling Logan solidified the fear, made it truly real. "I thought of all these things that we could be and do together for years to come. And now, I think that tomorrow could be the last day. I know they said you'd be lucky to make it three years, and I know I shouldn't think that you'll be gone tomorrow, but when I got that call from Colin." She looked at him, distraught. "When I got that call from Colin, I thought that I was going to lose you. And I know that every call I get when something happens, I'm going to think I'm going to lose you. And I shouldn't be feeling this way, Logan. You should be the one that's afraid, not me. I'm not the one who's dying! But Finn said something that made me realize that it's okay to be scared. We might lose you, and we need to cherish every moment. Neither of us needs to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders." After her rant she looked at him, looked in his eyes.
"Rory," he said softly. "I love you. And I'm scared too. You have to think of a life without me, and I have to think of not getting to live my life with you. Honestly, the only reason I agreed to the chemo and the radiation and all this pain was to be able to have as long with you as I can. I've thought about my future - our future. And to know I won't have that…" He shrugged, but she could tell it hurt him. They shared the same fears, just different perspectives.
"Who knew Finn could be right when sober?" she asked, causing them both to laugh. This lightened to mood a little bit, but the fears were still there. She knew they were something that they'd discuss time and time again now that it was out in the open. But they didn't need to discuss it all the time.
"Let's have a get-together next week. You and me, obviously," he said with a smile, "and invite your parents, Josh and Honor, Colin and Finn, Lane and Zach, Paris and Doyle. A little dinner party. Make the best of the time we have."
"I'd like that." He kissed her softly and she wrapped her arms around his neck. She liked this, being able to be close. She knew those moments were limited.
The next morning, she woke up with the sheets drenched again. This had become a semi-regular thing, at least three times a week. He was still asleep, but he wasn't restless. She almost didn't want to wake him, but she knew that if she let him sleep like that, he'd get sick. Rather than letting him take a shower like normal, she drew him up a bath before walking back over to the bed.
"Logan," she said, shaking him gently. He stirred, looking around confused. "Go hop in the bath. I'll change the sheets." He shook his head before standing up and walking to the bathroom. She hated seeing him like that.
Once the sheets were changed, she changed into a new pair of sweats and t-shirt. She could hear him getting out of the tub, and it made her relax just a little bit. Thinking back to his get together idea, she drew up some simple invitations with a date and time for the next week, putting names and addresses on them. She could simply call everybody, but this was easier. This allowed her less time on the phone and more time with him. She put stamps on all of them, and piled them so that she could mail them the next time she left the apartment.
"Hey," he said, towel wrapped around his waist. She looked at him, looked at the changes. He had lost weight, no doubt from being sick all the time. He was paler, moved slower, walked different. But he still held his head high, still walked with pride and accomplishment. He was still her Logan.
"Feeling a bit better?" she asked as he sat next to her on the couch. He just nodded as he rested his head on her shoulder. She knew he was still tired. He was always tired. "I've set it up for next Wednesday. I figured it would be better to do it before your next round." She had gone over their schedules meticulously when she tried to figure out a date. She had classes in the mornings and early afternoons, and he had his next round of chemo on Thursday with radiation on Friday. She knew her mom would be too busy on Monday, and Hep Alien had band practice on Tuesdays, so Wednesday was the only viable option.
"Love you," he mumbled. He was falling asleep. Gently, she stood up, pulling him up with her and walking over to the bed. He laid down and she sat next to him, running her hands through his hair. God, she'd miss this.
It was something they'd actually talked about during his first round of chemo. He was debating on whether or not to go ahead and shave his head. "I don't want to wake up one day with chunks falling out," he had told her. "It makes it too real at that point." She loved his hair. But she knew it was his choice. After talking about it as he sat in the hospital chair, he'd decided not to shave it - not yet at least. She was all for him shaving his hair. Despite loving his hair, she knew this decision was his and not hers. He'd decided to wait, and she knew a part of him hoped he'd be one of the lucky ones who didn't lose it. However, he did say that at the first sign of losing his hair, it was going to go.
She sat there, mindlessly running her hands through his hair as he slept. She could see the rise and fall of his chest, and she knew he was there for that much longer. A part of her hoped she could go a day without the thought of losing him, but she never wanted to take him being there for granted. You can see the same person a thousand times, but only see them once. She didn't want that to happen.
After sitting there a little while longer, she stood up. She had to get to class, but she didn't want to leave him. He'd be mad if she missed class again though, and she knew she'd see her grandfather on campus that day so she could get the notes from the part of the lecture she'd missed. She wrote a quick note for Logan when he woke up, setting his medications out for him, and grabbing the invitations to mail on the way.
Once on campus, she stopped by her grandfather's office. "Hey, Grandpa," she said cheerfully as she walked in. He looked up from the paper with a smile. "I was wondering if you had notes on the rest of the lecture from yesterday?"
"Of course I do," he responded, setting the paper down. "Might I ask what was so important that you had to leave in the middle of the lecture?" She had told him that Logan had been sick, but she never delved into the full details until this moment.
"I got a call from Colin - Logan's friend. He had fallen and it was pretty bad. I know I told you Logan was sick, and he is… But he's dying Grandpa," she finally said, seeing his face change to a more solemn look. "He has cancer."
"I'm sorry, Rory," he responded, wrapping his granddaughter in a hug. She reciprocated before they pulled away. "If there's anything I can do, don't hesitate to ask." And she knew it was true. She knew her grandfather would always be there for her, especially considering they got along much better than her and her grandmother. The shared interest in travel and literature allowed them to have a unique bond. He grabbed his notes from the previous day and handed them to Rory.
"Thanks, Grandpa," she said, hugging him one more time before going to class. After sitting through two lectures and two hours at the newspaper, she was ready to go home and spend the rest of the night with Logan. While on her walk back, she pulled out her phone and called her mom.
"Hey, kiddo. What's up?" her mother asked in the chipper tone that was Lorelai Gilmore.
"Not much, just got done with classes and heading back to the apartment. Saw Grandpa today. You won't believe what Paris did today…" Their conversation continued until Rory brought up the upcoming dinner.
"I hope you can make it, Mom. It would mean a lot to me if you did." It was true. Despite her mother's lack of fondness towards Logan, she wanted them to try and find some equal ground. She wasn't going to choose between them, and she didn't want to have to hide them from each other either.
"I'll be there. Tell Logan 'hi' for me, give him a hug." Rory smiled. She knew a part of it was his current situation. It was typically frowned upon to hate somebody with cancer, even more so when it was your daughter's boyfriend. They said their goodbyes before hanging up.
She walked into the apartment, looking around. Logan was still in the same spot he was when she left, looking like he hadn't moved. His medications were still sitting on the counter with the bottle of water. He still had a towel wrapped around his waist. A part of her wanted to wake him up, but the other part wanted to let him sleep.
She sat on the couch, pulling out her reading materials for her classes. Schoolwork was a nice distraction from everything. Homework for a couple classes, an analysis for another. It was busy work. Occasionally, she'd glance over to Logan to make sure he was still breathing. Each time, she was reassured he was by the gentle rise and fall of his chest. He looked peaceful.