Those left behind
"You're going?" Shizuo asks without a hint of emotion. He already knows the answer- half expected Izaya to walk out already. His body isn't sated, there's no after glow; just the pain settling into his overworked muscles. It hurts to move. It hurts to speak. Shizuo forces his lips to move, the only place Izaya hasn't ravished or abused. Lips were for sweet hungry kisses that they would no longer share.
"Yeah." Izaya answers without hesitation. "Goodbye, Shizu-chan." Shizuo flinches at the chaste kiss pressed almost lovingly against his lips. It's their last and the flea is so damn gentle it makes him regret everything he's ever done. Too late now. Izaya is already walking away from him and all Shizuo can do is stare at he space the raven no longer stands.
Shizuo slowly opens his eyes finding his pillow damp. Kasuka is there with a glass of milk, the way he likes first thing in the morning. "Nii-san." It's not who he wants to see. The one he wants to see is gone. Like a worthless dog, the blonde knows he's been abandoned.
Everything still hurts but that's to be expected given that it's only been a day. One whole day since Izaya left him. Pushing himself up on an elbow, Shizuo allows the glass to be brought to his lips. It's cold and refreshing.
"Nii-san, how are you feeling?" Kasuka asks. Because it was his brother that had been left to take care of the aftermath whilst he stared at the wall doing nothing. Kasuka had grabbed a cloth wiping the mess from his body, running a bath and half dragging half carrying his body into it. His brother was stronger than he looked.
Shizuo doesn't answer. He doesn't know how he's feeling yet. There's a gaping hole of misery in his chest coupled with a vague emptiness. It was to be expected. He thinks solemnly. In the end a monster ends up alone with nothing.
"Thanks Kasuka." Shizuo says after length. It's almost funny how alike their voices sound now. His tone sounds listless and dead, like the world around has come crashing down and he's only a witness. It almost doesn't feel real. Izaya has let him go. The crafty raven had his claws in from the start, never letting go. Always including him in ridiculous not to mention dangerous plans as if he was a VIP. Shizuo had never been able to escape Izaya's hands and now he was free.
Freedom hurt. Even if it was with hatred, Izaya had still been giving him attention, still been coming into his world like a buzzing fly. Shizuo had never truly been alone. Izaya was gone and Kanra was gone. The two people he loved most in the world.
"Nii-san, are you okay?" Kasuka asks brow furrowed. Shizuo can't answer, can't find the strength to answer. Sure his brother had lied and risked his acting care but Shizuo had been the one to push his brother to act that far. His concern for Mikado had wrecked both relationships.
There was no internal damage- he thinks. Kasuka was the one to wipe him down, checking for any damage. 'To stop the risk of infection'. His sibling had said since Shizuo refused to allow anyone else into the apartment. Shizuo didn't feel embarrassed then and he doesn't now. At the moment he's apathetic. The empty glass gets taken away, Kasuka dabbing at his lips as if taking care of a child.
"Nii-san, you'll be okay." His brother's stoic lips crack into a small sympathetic smile, one calming hand lightly patting his hair. "Do you want anything to eat?"
Shizuo blinks struggling to register the question. It feels like he's being submerged, Kasuka's voice drowned out.
"Do you want anything to eat?" Kasuka asks louder breaking through the deafening crash of blood rushing in his ears.
"...not hungry." The blonde manages to choke out.
"...okay. Maybe something later then." Shizuo gives a grunt in response rolling his tired body onto the side. Lazily his gaze drops to his chest. The skin is bumpy, the irritation hasn't gone down making Izaya's name look like a bad allergy. Shizuo can still make out the strokes and given how his boyfriend...
The blonde takes a shuddering gasp scrunching his eyes closed. Ex boyfriend. They weren't together anymore.
...given how his ex is, Shizuo knows without a doubt it's Izaya's name carved in his chest. Izaya was possessive and not the type to scar him with insults. It could have said bitch or traitor, even whore but he knew it read Izaya's name. A cruel reminder of what he had and what he would never have again. Shizuo smooths his fingertips over the raised skin, feeling over the strokes. It's sore and it hurts. Still it slightly eases the pain of his heart.
x-x-x
"Nii-san, I made you some miso soup." Kasuka tells him in a dead tone, carrying the tray to the bed. Shizuo doesn't move choosing to stay curled up in fetal position. It's cold. The bed is too big for one person. "Nii-san, you should eat."
Shizuo grunts burying his head further under the covers. Above him he can hear a soft sigh.
"Try and eat some. You'll only make yourself sick."
Shizuo listens numbly to the retreating footsteps and the closing of the door. His nose twitches smelling the flavour of the soup. His stomach grumbles and his fingers twitch against his chest, taking comfort in the only part of Izaya he has left.
x-x-x
Kasuka finds out. The soup is hours too cold still sitting untouched on the bedside table. Like a nagging concerned mother, the covers are lifted. Shizuo flinches at being caught red handed. His chest is redder than it should be, spots of blood staining the cotton white sheet beneath him. His fingernails are caked in blood. "Nii-san." Kasuka simply says with a small disappointed shake of his head.
Shizuo is a disappointment. He can't do anything right. He's failed his ex lovers and his brother. Since he's not at work he's failed Tom too. "...sorry." The blonde mumbles. He's not sure who exactly the apology is for but he knows it's already too late.
The sheet has to be changed again. It's already been done once after Izaya had vented. That time Shizuo had been in the bath, letting the hot water nurse his exhausted muscles. He's not much help this time either. Kasuka drags him out of bed, guiding him to sit out of the way where Shizuo continues to wallow in self pity. "Nii-san, leave it alone or it will scar."
Even without his brother telling him, Shizuo knows the cuts will scar. It's not the first inflicted on him. Pressing a hand against his chest, his fingers twitch doing exactly what his brother had told him not to do.
x-x-x
"Nii-san, I've made you some dinner." Kasuka is at the doorway again, dressed in an apron of sorts and a ladle in hand. "You have to keep your strength up."
Shizuo stares at the door. All he can see is the ghostly echo of Izaya's retreating back. It's a sight he had gotten used to when they were at school together. Back then Izaya had kept his distance baiting and provoking the monster yet staying far enough away to run.
It used to annoy him seeing the black blur with that stupid white trimmed hood bobbing like some sort of rabbit. Shizuo had never told Izaya that he loved his face. He loved how direct the raven was and the strangeness of those jewel like eyes. Maybe if they had all been more honest, this wouldn't have happened. Mikado wouldn't be gone and he wouldn't be lounging around like a broken hearted girl.
Kasuka is still waiting for an answer. Shizuo tilts his head slightly seeing his brother's hand clutch the handle of the ladle tighter. It almost looks like it's going to be used to beat him. "Nii-san..."
"I'm not hungry."
"You need to eat." Kasuka scolds. "You'll make yourself sick."
"...in a bit." Shizuo relents pushing back to the covers to show he's making a move or at least thinking about it. Kasuka buys into it anyway, turning back towards the kitchen. Shizuo releases his weak grip on the covers, staring at the dried red crusted under his nails.
x-x-x
You're going?" Shizuo asks without a hint of emotion. He already knows the answer- half expected Izaya to walk out already. His body isn't sated, there's no after glow; just the pain settling into his overworked muscles. It hurts to move. It hurts to speak. Shizuo forces his lips to move, the only place Izaya hasn't ravished or abused. Lips were for sweet hungry kisses that they would no longer share.
"Yeah." Izaya answers without hesitation. "Goodbye, Shizu-chan." Shizuo flinches at the chaste kiss pressed almost lovingly against his lips. It's their last and the flea is so damn gentle it makes him regret everything he's ever done. Too late now. Izaya is already walking away from him and all Shizuo can do is stare at he space the raven no longer stands.
It's dark when the blonde next opens his eyes in a cold sweat. It looks like he finally did fall asleep after pretending to at dinner. The other side of the bed is cold and empty, Kasuka sleeping in the guest room.
It's not a dream. Shizuo's dreams are as cruel as reality, playing their parting over and over again. It's another part of his punishment- to stay and face what he's done. After all if his dreams were merciful, giving him what he wanted then Shizuo wouldn't mind never waking up again.
His bladder protests to the fact he hasn't moved yet. Shizuo moves robotically climbing out from the safety of the covers. It's not hard to walk, it's just a pain. It's tedious and boring.
Reaching the bathroom the blonde relieves himself, washing his hands when he's done. It's not a conscious thought. Shizuo doesn't have to think about a routine that's been ingrained into him since he was a kid.
That's why his next stop is the kitchen, raiding the fridge for the half full carton of milk. Mechanically the blonde opens the top, letting the contents flow into his mouth. It doesn't taste as sweet as he remembers.
On the counter is a silver foiled package. Shizuo notices it upon returning the milk. Usually he would drain it cue Izaya moaning he had no milk for his coffee and Kanra had no milk for her cereal.
"Oh." Shizuo utters closing his eyes. The pain is there again, residing in his chest. Shizuo looks down at the blood smeared across it. It's only milk but it brings back a rush of colourful morning memories.
Under the foil is what was supposed to be his dinner. Its more of what you would find in a bentou that a full meal. Shizuo glances at the doorway half expecting Kasuka to be standing there.
The foil gets thrown in the trash, the plate set on the table. Taking a seat it starts off with small pokes to what Shizuo thinks is supposed to be an onigiri version of himself. Kasuka's way of cheering him up he supposed.
Shizuo lifts the shape to his lips. "...sorry." He murmurs letting the shape crumble into the plate. Pushing it to one side, the blonde stands trudging back to the bedroom.
x-x-x
"Nii-san." Kasuka is there again, hovering beside the bed with a cool glass of milk in his hand. Shizuo props himself on one elbow to take a sip. "I brought you breakfast."
"I'm not...it's a pudding cup." Shizuo mutters quietly.
"Yeah. You might as well eat something you really like." The glass is taken away set on the bedside table. Shizuo watches as the thin lid gets pulled back. The spoon has already been dipped in, a mouthful held out for him. "I'm not leaving until you eat, nii-san!"
Shizuo sighs, chomping down on the spoon. There's no explosion across his palette, no giddy childlike happiness- nothing. His jaw moves slowly chewing at what he can only describe as cardboard.
"Nii-san, what's wrong?" It's too late to school his expression. Kasuka knows something is wrong. If he doesn't say anything his brother would only continue to hold out spoonfuls of what used to be his favourite treat.
"...it's disgusting." Shizuo says flopping back down against the pillows. He doesn't recall his body every being this heavy. "Sorry, Kasuka. I want to be left alone."
"Nii-san...I'll leave this here." Shizuo says nothing as his brother leaves the room, closing door behind him. Shizuo lays on his side simply staring at the wall. His eyes sting a little but they stay open refusing to shed a tear or fall asleep. He doesn't need to see a replay of their breakup.
x-x-x
Kasuka keeps true to his word returning at lunch with a plate of snacks. Shizuo; a little slow to react, doesn't quite succeed in feigning sleep.
"I've brought you something." Shizuo hears the soft clink on the small table, doesn't get up to look though. "Nii-san. Do you want to talk about it?"
A different tactic. Shizuo doesn't answer gently flexing his fingers. There's a satisfying warmth over his fingertips. He thinks Kasuka will give up and leave again- it doesn't happen.
Kasuka sighs clambering onto the bed. Shizuo closes his eyes feeling his brother's slim arms around him. "Nii-san. You'll get over this. The pain will go away. You've healed before."
His broken bones. Shizuo wants to reply. It's too tedious to do so and there's no will to put any effort into anything. It hurts more than anything he's ever suffered with before. He wants to tell Kasuka that he'd rather have every bone in his body broken than deal with the ache.
His brother isn't listening because it's not what he wants to hear. Shizuo blinks staring at the navy shirt in front of him. Kasuka continues to hold him, whispering softly 'that everything is going to be okay'. It's warm and that alone brings tears to his eyes. Neither one of them says a thing when Shizuo breaks down, tears rolling down his cheeks and soft broken sobs smothered by his brother's chest.