Hey guys! So I tried to write this one a bit quicker so I could update sooner, but it still took a while and I apologize for that! Even though it's summer, I still have been crazy busy!
Anyways….here is Chapter 31 for y'all reading this!
Disclaimer: Honestly, I would have never thought of a plot line like Divergent's. So I have to give all credit to Veronica Roth because I, obviously, don't own the series!
Chapter 31
Tris' POV
"Stop! Please!"
I don't know where I am, or how I got here; all I know is that I'm stuck here with Eric with no one around.
"You know, I've always wondered how it sounded when you begged."
My clothes are torn and scattered around the small room that we're in. Eric's are gone too, and he's leaning over me with a sick smile on his face.
"Please, Eric. Please don't do this," I whisper.
He laughs, but surprisingly doesn't….start, yet.
"Oh, I won't be the one to do this. At least, not until the end."
Suddenly, a long line full of faceless men appear in the room. I can feel myself drop a dozen skin tones. And judging by the look on Eric's face, I'm a sickly color of white right now.
"No. Please. Please, no," is the only thing I can manage to get out. He laughs and gets off of me. I try to sit up, so maybe I can try to find a way out of this, but I'm stopped by Eric who gets on top of me again. He snarls at me, shoves me down, and roughly puts his lips just about anywhere he can reach. His hands grope me and I scream out, hoping for help to show up. Instead, Eric clamps his hand over my mouth and puts shackles on my hands and feet, not allowing any movement from me.
"Now, now, now, Beatrice. We wouldn't want to give these men any trouble, now would we?"
Tears stream down my face. He laughs sardonically and pulls a knife out of thin air.
"This is just a dream," my mind realizes.
"And if you choose to give any of them any kind of trouble at all...well, let's just say that you won't only be hurting down there."
"As soon as one of them come up to me, I'll wake up and this will all be over," I try to reassure myself.
The first man comes and I clench my jaw, ready for this to be done. Ready to wake up.
The only thing is, I don't.
I try to stay calm as the first one starts. I close my eyes and take deep breaths.
This is just a dream. This is just a dream.
I bite my lip to keep from screaming out in pain as they all take their turns.
But if this is just a dream, then why am I not waking up?
Eventually, my heart cannot stay at a steady pace, and my brain cannot keep ignoring what's happening to me. I scream and try to move the man off of me, but I can barely budge. The only thing I accomplish is making the man angrier so he causes me more pain. A lot more pain.
Tears stream down my face and I keep screaming until my throat goes raw. I start to sob as it seems that the line of men will never end. The worst part of this is that Eric knows exactly what I'm scared of, so he strapped down my arms and legs that way I would be unable to do anything about what's happening. He made me helpless and feel oh, so completely out of control. I feel vulnerable, as my arms and legs are stretched out, making my body as exposed as possible, when all I want to do is crawl up into a tiny ball.
After what seems like an entire lifetime, the line finally ends and my sobs are not only of pain, but of relief as well.
"Now, now, Beatrice. I wouldn't be too thrilled quite yet. You still have me."
I open my eyes to watch him as he circles around me. He stares at every inch of my body and my hands twitch in the shackles, wanting to cover myself.
"How do you feel, now that we're almost done? You're used and dirty. No one else will want you, you filthy girl."
I clench my jaw and yank my hands up, trying one last time to get out of these shackles. He laughs.
"Stop trying, Beatrice. It's too late."
"It's too late." His voice keeps ringing through my mind.
He crawls on top of me and runs his fingertips along my chest. I feel sick.
"Look at you; you're hideous. You look like a 12 year old, at most."
I grit my teeth and more tears fall out of my eyes at the anticipation of what is about to happen. Again.
His eyes come up to my face while his hands still travel around my chest, groping me.
"Your face is hideous too. I mean, look at you; your nose is way too big, your eyes are the most ugly color I've seen, and your lips are too small."
I stiffen up as his hands start to travel lower. His eyes follow his movements.
"Let's be honest here, Beatrice. There is nothing about you that anyone could possibly find attractive. You're completely and utterly hideous. Ugly. Stupid.."
His hands are now down….there, and it takes everything I have in me not to scream out yet.
"I wish I had more to work with; more to have fun with. Sadly, all I get is this joke of a girl."
He pauses for a moment, looking me in the eyes.
"But oh well, what can you do?" are the last words he says before slamming into me. I scream out in pain and yank my hardest against the shackles. I sob and sob and sob until I no longer have any tears left.
I close my eyes and keep struggling, hoping maybe one of these times, the shackles will break and I can escape this hell. But they never do.
It seems to last forever, but finally Eric is done. I open my eyes as he collapses on top of me, and I buck my hips, trying to get him off. He gets up a moment later, seemingly unbothered by my struggling. He looks at me and I feel like I'm shrinking under his stare. He kneels down next to me and picks me up by my hair, leaning close to my face.
"You're pathetic," he spits.
He slams my head onto the concrete underneath me and I suddenly feel dizzy and sick. Everything is spinning and black dots start to cover my vision.
"I'll see you tomorrow, Beatrice," is the last thing I hear before the black completely takes over.
UH OH! THE PAGE BROKE! WHATEVER SHALL I DO!?
I wake up with a start. My head is pounding and the room seems to spin. My stomach starts to churn and I get up, running to the bathroom. I manage to turn the light on before I fall to my knees in front of the toilet, heaving and gagging. But since there is nothing in my stomach, nothing comes out.
I hear footsteps and feel a presence behind me. Fingers brush my neck as they move the hair out of my face and hold it behind my head. I heave for what seems like forever until my stomach decides to finally give up.
I'm shaking everywhere and feel as if I'm in 100 degree weather with nothing to help cool me down. I slump down onto the floor and appreciate the cold that the tiles beneath my legs provide. I have an urge to lay down and press my face against them, so instead of fighting the temptation, I do exactly that. I close my eyes and hope that this nauseous feeling will go away soon.
"Tris, what's going on?" Tobias asks and I feel him brush my hair back out of my face again. The noise hurts my head and somehow I find enough strength to put my finger up against my lips, signaling him to be quiet. After a few minutes of this, I hear him sigh and stand up. He walks out of the room for a moment, and while he's gone, I scoot over a bit so I'm laying on new tiles; the others were starting to match my body heat.
He comes back in and kneels next to me. I hear a couple of things being dropped onto the counter above me and I wince. His hand comes up to my forehead and another goes to the back of my neck. His hands feel nice and cool against my burning skin.
"Shit, Tris. You're burning up," he whispers quietly to me.
"I'm not sick," I manage to get out. I am still extremely nauseous and can feel myself shaking, but it's not because of a sickness. It's because of the dream. My stomach churns again just thinking about it.
I open my eyes just slightly, and wince again at the light. Why did I have to turn on the light?
Luckily, Tobias gets the hint, gets up, and moments afterwards it's dark again. I open my eyes more, and since there is a small blue night-light in the corner of the bathroom, I can still see my surroundings. Tobias crouches down next to me once more. His hand goes to my forehead again, and I raise my still shaking hand to cover it, trying to keep it on there for as long as possible.
Eventually, my headache goes away a bit so it's not as severe, and I don't feel so nauseous. I still shake, but it's not as violent as before.
We sit in silence for a little bit longer. The tiles grow warm again, but I don't find the will to move somewhere else a bit cooler.
"Just a second, Tris," Tobias whisper before getting up and heading out of the bathroom for a second time. I close my eyes as I wait for him to come back. I feel as if every ounce of energy I had has been sucked out of me. I'm absolutely exhausted, but I don't want to go to sleep and worry about having another dream like...that.
Eric's voice starts to go through my head, repeating the things he said to me.
"There is nothing about you that anyone could possibly find attractive. You're completely and utterly hideous."
"Sadly, all I get is this joke of a girl."
"Your nose is way too big, your eyes are the most ugly color I've seen, and your lips are too small."
"You look like a 12 year old, at most."
"You're used and dirty. No one else will want you, you filthy, hideous, girl."
"You're pathetic."
I feel a sudden burst of cool on the back of my neck and I sigh in relief. Another burst of cool lands on my forehead, followed by one more on the middle of my stomach. I feel myself cooling down almost instantly and my shaking calms down immensely. The cold helps the pounding in my head so it becomes somewhat bearable.
Several minutes pass and my body temperature feels as if it's back to normal. I open my eyes again and meet Tobias'.
"Thank you," I whisper.
He shakes his head. "I'm worried about you, Tris."
I shake my head just barely enough that he can see it and it doesn't hurt my head anymore than it already is.
"Don't be. Please," I whisper in return.
We fall into a silence. After a few minutes, what I have now figured out are ice packs, grow warm against my skin, and I take them off of me. Tobias takes the one off of my stomach that he was holding. I blush as one of his fingers softly brushes the skin above my belly button. I hadn't realized his hand was under my shirt until now. It wasn't far under at all, only to about lower rib level, but I still find myself blushing at the accidental contact.
"You think it would be a bad idea if I sat up?" I ask before he can question my blush.
He gives me a look, but the only thing he says is, "I'll help you."
Tobias grips my shoulder with one hand and holds my head steady with the other as I push myself up. My arms start to shake violently again at the use of the muscles, and the hand on my shoulder quickly transfers to one of my arms, helping me sit. Once I'm up, I scoot back so I'm leaning against the cabinets behind me. Tobias reaches above me and grabs something.
"Here, take these."
He hands me a small cup of water and two pills. Not bothering to ask what the pills are, I take them, trusting they'll help in some way. I hand him the empty cup a moment later and he throws it away for me.
"What time is it?" I quietly ask him.
"It's only 2:30, Tris. You were only sleeping for 30 minutes."
"You're pathetic."
I clench my jaw and force Eric's voice to get out of my head, even if what he says is true.
Several minutes later, my head doesn't ache anymore and my shaking stops, but my eyelids and head also feel a lot heavier than before. I feel myself nodding off and I know that it's not just my exhaustion doing this to me.
"What were those pills, Tobias?" I sleepily say, slightly slurring my words together.
"One was a painkiller." He looks a bit guilty.
"And the other?" I ask, eyes starting to close.
"To help you sleep."
"I don't want to," I shakily say.
"There'll be no dreams, Tris. Only sleep, okay? I promise."
Sleep starts to overtake me. "Tobias…" What was I going to say again? I can't remember.
I close my eyes, and hands wrap around my arms, right where they join with the shoulder. He pulls me up and against his chest, gathering me into his arms, easing an arm under my knees. I press my face into his shoulder, and there is a sudden, hollow silence.
GUYS! IT BROKE AGAIN!:(
When I wake up again, light is shining through the window to my right, not helping my pounding head at all.
What happened last night again?
I close my eyes and try to remember. After a few minutes, I do. It's only then that I realize I'm curled into a small ball with Tobias' arms around me. I wait for a moment to see if he's awake, but after monitoring his breathing, I know he's still very much asleep. I feel a little bit of anger towards him for giving me that pill without asking if it was alright or telling me what it was. Why did he even have those anyways?
You have to admit, Tris, it was nice to be able to get some sleep without any interruptions.
I clench my fists.
He just wanted to help, Tris. You would've done the same for him.
I unclench my fists at this thought. Yes. Yes I would have done the same for him. My focus turns to his arms and I immediately relax when I feel how tight they are around me, even when he's sleeping. I sigh, feeling bad for ever getting mad at him, and scoot a bit closer to his figure. His arms automatically tighten and I smile. He tends to do that a lot without knowing it. He may not know what he's doing or what it does for me, but I'm extremely thankful for that reflexive action. It makes me feel...wanted.
I take deep breaths in and out through my nose, and start to nod off again when Tobias starts to move.
"What time is it?" I mumble sleepily into his shirt.
"Not even a good morning first?" he jokingly asks, sleep evident in his voice. I stay silent, sleep taking over again. He eventually turns around to look.
"It's 9 o'clock."
I hum in response. He stays silent, which is not usually like him to do so.
"What's wrong?" I mumble.
"Are you mad at me for last night?" he asks, clearly nervous.
I pull back a bit and open my eyes a little bit to look at him. "No, I'm not mad. It was actually kind of...nice."
And I'm not lying. It was nice to have a dreamless slumber.
He instantly relaxes and his arms wrap around me tighter. "Okay. Good."
I stare at him for a while longer before my eyes fall shut again. He lets out a low chuckle.
"Tired, are we?"
"Mmhmm," is my half-hearted reply.
After a few minutes, I ask, "So what are we doing today? Do you know?"
"Everyone is doing their own thing today again. I think most of them are probably still sleeping. We'll meet back here at around 5 so we can leave for the fair."
I tense up and open my eyes, suddenly awake. I forgot I had to go to the fair again. Oh God, what am I going to do if Eric shows up again? My head starts to spin.
"Hey, I know what you're thinking, so stop it. I'm not going to leave you alone, okay? I'm not gonna let him get you again."
I take a deep breath and shakily let it out before nodding. We fall into silence.
Even though Tobias' words calmed me, they didn't calm me all the way. My head doesn't spin anymore, but it pounds at the thoughts of what Eric could do to me if he gets me alone again. My head gets worse and worse the more I try to stop thinking about it. Eventually, I've cleared those thoughts from my mind, but I'm left with a jackhammer in my skull instead. I groan and cover my face, trying to get it to stop.
"Tris?"
I wince. "Happen to have anymore of those pain killers?" I ask quietly.
Movement happens beside me and I'm hit with a blast of cold air. It feels nice, but I'd rather have Tobias next to me radiating off his heat. I blush and I can't help but notice that ever since I've figured out I was afraid of intimacy I've blushed more at innocent, harmless thoughts that I wouldn't have blushed at before that realization.
When I feel Tobias' presence next to me again, I sit up and take my hands off my face. I all too greedily grab the pill and cup from his hands and gulp it down, hoping it'll kick in soon.
I'm gently pulled into arms a moment later and focus on trying to get my breaths to match his. What feels like hours later, when in reality is probably only minutes, my head has gone back to normal and my breathing is synchronized with Tobias'.
"You okay now?" he asks.
"Yeah," I say. "I'm fine."
He pulls back a bit. "How are you doing?"
I raise an eyebrow. "I just told you I'm fine?"
"No- I mean, how are you handling what happened?" he asks in a much quieter tone.
I shrug. "I'm pretty sure last night should tell you everything you need to know about that."
He slowly nods. "What was it about?" is his next question. He doesn't need to specify; I know exactly what he's talking about. A wave of nausea hits me again and I shake my head instantly.
"I don't want to talk about that."
"Tris, talking about it could help."
I shake my head again, more insistent this time. "No. Not this time. I just- I just want to forget about this one. All you need to know is it wasn't pleasant."
He sighs. "Well, then, how are your shoulders?"
I bite my lip. "Fine."
He pushes a sleeve down before I can protest and looks at it. He brushes a thumb across the bruise and I shiver at his touch. I blush, hoping he doesn't notice the goosebumps under his thumb.
"They're still pretty bruised, Tris. It's kind of difficult to believe that they aren't hurting you," he eventually says.
I shrug. "Well, if they were I hadn't noticed."
His hands go to the back of my head and gently touch the small bump there.
"I'd ask about your head, but I think I already know how that's doing."
I snort at the statement. We fall into a short silence again.
"Tris...listen to me."
I look up confusedly, but I make eye contact with him, giving him my full attention.
"I'm worried about you, okay? I know you told me not to, but if you saw me the way you were last night, you'd worry too. I know you would. So don't try to argue with me about that."
I bite my lip and drag them between my teeth repeatedly, yet again another nervous habit of mine.
"So, what are you trying to say?" I nervously ask, thinking of the worst. I look back down at his chest.
"You need to talk to someone about this, Tris."
I snap my head up and glare at him. "I am not going to see a stupid therapist."
He holds his hands up as if surrendering. "And I'm not saying you have to."
I frown. "Then what are you saying?"
He sighs. "I'm saying, that whether it be Tori, me, Christina, or someone else, you need to talk to someone about what you face during the night. It's getting out of control, Tris. You can't keep denying that. You're not accomplishing anything by denying it. The only thing you're accomplishing is lying to yourself."
I grit my teeth. He's right. I've been denying that my nightmares are steadily getting worse. I know it's true. But I'm afraid that if I have to relive them by talking about them, I'll break down and cry, and my nightmares might get worse. I'm afraid of not being in control, and that's why I keep denying that I can't handle them.
"Tris, you know I'm right."
I look up at him to find a pair of concerned ocean blue eyes staring into mine. I try to look away but he stops me by leading my face back towards him with his hands.
"I know," I finally say and sigh. Tobias lets out a breath and I look away again, his hands not stopping me this time.
"I know that they're getting worse. I know that it's getting to the point where they're out of control, but I…." I trail off.
"But you what, Tris?"
I shake my head. "Never mind."
"Tris, if you want to at least try to make them better, you have to start opening up and quit bottling up."
I bite my lip. "I don't want to be weak."
"Tris."
He leads my face back again and he looks into my eyes. He sternly says, "You are not weak. I don't care what you say, you are not weak. You're one of the strongest people I know, and I admire you for that. Anything you say or do will not change my mind, or anyone else's, at this point of time. You can tell me, Tris. You can tell me anything that's on your mind. I won't judge you for it, and if you don't want me to, I won't comment. I can be your listener." He lets out a breath through his nose. "Listen, my point is, whoever you decide to talk to won't judge you. They will only think of you as a stronger person once you're done."
"Do you really think that about me?" I shakily ask.
"I mean each and every word."
I give him a small smile as I think about what he just said. We fall into silence for a little while before he speaks up again.
"You need to find someone to talk to about this. If you want, you could go and talk to Tori right now. I'm sure she's up."
I shake my head furiously. "No. I can't talk to her about this."
Tobias frowns. "Why not?"
I bite my lip and shrug in an effort to make my instant refusal less suspicious. "I don't want to talk to her."
"First you say you can't, then you say you don't want...what's this about? You still get along, right?" His eyebrows furrow in concern. I nod, answering his question.
"Yeah, we still get along."
He waits for me to continue, but I don't. He sighs. "Tris, at least tell me why you won't talk to Tori."
I shrug again.
"Tris, c'mon. Please."
I sigh and look down at my fingers. "She maybe...might not know about what Eric did to me…"
"About last night?" he asks.
I shake my head "No...well, yes that too...but...I mean...she doesn't know about...what happened...when I was...when I was 14…"
It takes him a couple of seconds, but then I see realization dawn on him. "Wait-so let me get this straight; Tori, the one who has been raising you for the past couple of years, doesn't know that Eric raped you?" he asks in a hushed tone.
I wince. "No…."
"Did your parents know?!"
I slowly shake my head.
He sighs in exasperation. "God, Tris! Does anyone know besides me?!"
I bite my lip and tears fill my eyes. "Caleb did."
He immediately falls silent.
"Caleb knew, and he promised me that he'd always be there for me. He also told me that if I needed someone to talk to, about anything, I could go to him." I struggle to keep the tears from falling.
"I guess that's why I have a lot of trouble talking to people about this kind of stuff...because I feel like that was Caleb's job. I feel like no one else should have to take his place. I just keep thinking that someday he'll wake up and come back and then after he does I can tell him about everything I've encountered. I just keep waiting for that day, but I know that it won't come." I let out a short burst of air, half laughter, half sob. "I guess that's just one more thing I'm lying to myself about, huh?"
One tear falls and his thumb wipes it off. "I'm afraid, Tobias," I weakly say.
"Afraid of what?" he quietly and confusedly asks.
I wait a moment or two before telling him.
"Afraid of opening up to someone. I mean, I opened up to Eric and look what he did to me. I opened up to Caleb and he died one year later. I opened up to Hailey, and she ended up ruining my life. My point is, I haven't had very good experiences in the past, and if everything is just going to end up shitty anyways, why try? Why open up to someone, tell them your deepest, darkest, secrets, then have them turn around and leave you?"
A couple more tears fall from my eyes. "That's why I don't want to tell people things. To me, it's either open up to someone and lose them, or bottle things up and keep them. And if I open up, I just let them into the worst parts of me, only to have them go and spread it around to everyone, only making me worse. I let them into my mess of a life, and they go and make it even more of a mess."
I pause for a moment. "That's why I'm afraid. I don't want to lose Tori, or the gang. I don't want to lose you. You're the only one who's been able to help me at all, and I don't want you walking out of my life. Not now, not ever," I shakily finish.
It stays silent for a few minutes, then he leads my face back to face him.
"Tris, you have every right to be afraid. You have every right, and more. I know you've had bad experiences, but that doesn't mean that every time you open up to someone, something bad will happen. Everyone is afraid of showing their deepest and darkest parts of themselves. It's not wrong to feel afraid of that. But I promise you, I would never walk out on you. You opened up to me already about Eric and your birthday, right?" I slowly nod. "And I haven't walked away, have I?" I slowly shake my head. "So why would I walk away now?"
I shrug and pause before answering. "I'm used and filthy. I'd be giving you the perfect chance to walk away from me. I'm not exactly what you call a 'perfect' girl."
"Tris, you are not used, and you are not filthy, and I don't want to hear you say that ever again. There is no one perfect in this world, Tris, so you need to stop comparing yourself to girls who you think are perfect. You've proved that you don't have to be perfect to be beautiful. Okay? No one will ever be perfect. No one. Understand?"
I blush at his compliment. "I'm not beautiful," I mumble.
"Tris, not this again."
"My nose is way too big, my eyes are the most ugly shade of color I've ever seen, and my lips are too small. I look like a 12 year old," I recite from memory.
"Who told you that?" Tobias asks, with anger in his tone.
"Myself. And...and Eric…" I hesitatingly add on.
"You're only telling yourself that because Eric told you it first."
I bite my lip. He's right. So I don't argue.
He sighs. "When did he tell you that?"
I shrug. "A lot."
"Was the most recent time last night?"
I raise my eyebrow. "What do you mean?"
"When he had you alone, is that what he told you?"
I shake my head.
"Then when?"
I shrug. "This isn't very relevant to the conversation."
"Tris, don't shut me out. We just talked about this."
I bite my lip. "It was last night."
"But you told me he didn't tell you that when he had you alone…?"
"And he didn't," I say as I shake my head.
"Tris, stop being so confusing and just tell me when he said it."
I take a deep breath and close my eyes. "It was last night, but not at the fair. He was in my...dream. He- he said that, and told me I was pathetic, and that no one else would want me. He said no one would ever be able to find me attractive, or any part of me attractive. He told me I was a joke of a girl and I was hideous. He-"
"Tris, stop."
I open my eyes to look at him. He looks extremely concerned, but I'm not exactly sure why. His eyes look at my cheek a moment later and his thumb wipes off a tear that I didn't know existed.
"Don't listen to him. You have to stop letting him win over your mind, okay?"
"But it's tr-"
"Tris, I swear if I hear you saying those things to yourself again, I will tell Tori everything."
My eyes bulge out. "But, you can't! You can't do that!"
"Then stop telling yourself those things."
"It's not that easy," I snap.
"It's only as hard as you make it."
I clench my jaw. "Fine. Whatever."
"Tris-"
"I get it, Tobias," I say and slightly glare at him. He grits his teeth slightly but says nothing in return.
We sit in silence for a few minutes, neither one moving away from the other, but not exactly wanting to stay either. His arms eventually unwrap from around me.
"You're so difficult sometimes, Tris."
I clench my jaw and glare at his chest in front of me.
"I try to help you, and it seems to be going somewhere, but then all it takes is one wrong word and you get defensive, shutdown, and send me back to Square 1."
I unclench my jaw a bit at his statement, feeling guilt creep into my veins.
"Obviously bad things are happening. Your nightmares got extremely worse and all it took was one encounter with Eric. He's getting into your head and you've been acting much more drawn back ever since last night."
My anger dissipates and I sigh. Not wanting to face him eye-to-eye quite yet, I roll over so my back is facing him.
"Tris," he whispers. His arms snake back around my waist and he rests his chin on my shoulder.
"Tris," he whispers again, this time his hot breath against my neck. Goosebumps rise on my skin at once and shivers are sent down my spine. I close my eyes and try not to focus on his breath, which is still blowing against my neck, but I find it nearly impossible.
His lips lightly brush my neck and I subconsciously tense.
This is Tobias, Tris. Not Eric, not random strangers; Tobias.
He pulls me closer so my back is flat against his chest. He brushes his lips all along the side where his head is resting. Goosebumps raise again, and I can't be sure if they're from fear or anticipation. His lips put a bit more pressure on my neck.
"Tobias," I half-whisper, half-sigh. I'm beginning to feel scared, but then again, I don't want him to stop.
He must take my whisper as encouragement because his arms tighten around me and his lips attack more fiercely than before. My body acts of its own accord and tilts my head to give him more access.
I sigh again as he takes over, both fear and pleasure filling my veins. But as he continues, flashes of Eric doing the same thing appear in my mind.
Pathetic.
I bite my lip and close my eyes, trying to not let Eric into my head again.
But I apparently didn't try hard enough.
"There is nothing about you that anyone could possibly find attractive. You're completely and utterly hideous."
Eric on top of me. Eric cutting me with his knife.
"You're used and dirty."
Eric throwing me across the room. Eric shoving me against the lockers. Eric telling me it's my fault my family is dead.
"You look like a 12 year old, at most."
"This is just Tobias," I whisper quietly to myself.
"No one else will want you, you filthy girl."
"Stop trying, Beatrice. It's too late."
Eric pinning me against the brick wall. Telling me he'll talk to me soon. Telling me what a waste of space I am.
"It's just Tobias," I whisper again, a little louder this time.
"Tris?"
It's only when he speaks that I noticed he'd stopped. I open my eyes in panic and hold my breath.
"Yeah?" I squeak out. I mentally punch myself. Could I have sounded any weaker?
"What do you mean, it's just me?"
I bite my lip. "I don't know what you're talking about," I say in the same tone as before.
He sighs. "This is exactly what I'm talking about, Tris. Stop shutting me out," he says in a fierce tone.
I pause for a minute and sigh. "I'm not meaning to. It's just instinct."
"Tell me what happened," he says sternly. I debate about trying to evade this topic, but the way he said it made me realize that I'm not getting out of this. I try anyways.
"It's nothing, really."
I can almost hear him rolling his eyes. "Tris, it's something."
"No, it's not. It's stupid, really."
"Tris, tell me right now."
I wince at his tone. There is definitely no way I'm getting out of this. I gulp. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly.
"What do you want to know?" I ask in a voice just above a whisper. I hear him sigh in relief. He stops and thinks for a moment.
"So, you'll answer anything I ask you?"
I bite my lip and furrow my eyebrows, thinking. Eventually I come to a conclusion.
"Yes. Except if it is extremely personal, okay?"
I see him nod behind me.
"So….first question?" I ask, hoping to get this over with fairly quickly.
"What all did Eric do to you yesterday?"
I bite my lip and look away from his eyes as I answer. "Not much. Mostly just made me feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. I mean, he threw a couple of insults at me, but they weren't bad enough to make me cower. He mostly just pinned me so I couldn't move and hurt me. But that's about it."
"That's about it?" he questions.
I sigh. "He kept looking me up and down and it just reminded me...well...reminded me that he knew what I looked like," I say, hesitantly. I hear him sigh, but he doesn't push anymore.
"Anymore questions or was that it?"
"Why wouldn't you make eye contact with me last night?"
"I did," I stubbornly say.
"Barely. It was mostly only when I forced you to."
I pause again. "I just felt like you'd see inside them and know what happened. It felt wrong to be making eye contact with you after I had made eye contact with...him; like I was betraying you somehow."
"Tris, sometimes I wonder how you come up with the things you do," he quietly says and I can feel him shaking his head.
"Moving on. Next question?"
"What did you mean, it's just me?"
I chew on my lip. "It wasn't anything, really. Next question?"
"No, Tris. That's not an answer."
"Of course it's not," I mumble sarcastically to myself. "It was nothing, okay?"
"It was something."
I sigh, but don't really answer him in fear of accidentally telling him what I'm afraid of.
"Tris?" he prods on.
I sigh once again and feel myself tense up a bit. "It's kind of personal…" I weakly say.
"If you didn't flat out reject the question right away, you must trust me enough to at least give me part of the truth. You trust me, right?"
I nod without hesitating. He's right, of course. My mind didn't immediately scream 'No!' when he asked the question.
"Fine," I eventually say, in an emotionless tone. I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. How do I start this? What do I say? What if he tells me he doesn't want to be with me anymore after he figures out that I'm afraid of intimacy? How do I make this sound like it's not a big deal so we can move on?
I hadn't even noticed my breathing pattern had started to pick up until Tobias says something.
"Breathe, Tris. Breathe. It's okay."
I close my eyes and force myself to breathe normally again. I take a deep breath in and out, then roll over so my face is just inches from his. If I'm going to start opening up, I at least need to do it facing him.
"I just...I just started remembering Eric...what he did, what he said...and I started to feel afraid, even though I knew I shouldn't. I kept trying to...I don't know...chase the memories away, somehow...and I kept telling myself it was just you...but…" I sigh.
It's silent for a minute and I begin to think that maybe he's angry with me. Then he speaks.
"Are you scared of me, Tris?"
I frown. "No. Why would I be?"
"Well, you said that you felt afraid when I was...you know."
I shake my head. "No! It's not you I'm afraid of." I widen my eyes at what I unknowingly just implied, but narrow them back down a moment later, praying he leaves it be.
Please don't ask. Please don't ask. Plea-
"Then what are you afraid of?"
I bite my lip, break eye contact, and wince. "I'm afraid of a lot of things. You're going to have to be more specific than that." If nothing else, at least I stalled.
"Tris, you know what I mean. Why did you feel scared earlier?"
How long will I be able to stall until he finally weasels the truth out of me?
I shrug and bite my lip. "I don't know. Probably just the memories of Eric."
"You're lying," he states matter-of-factly.
I snap my head up. "And how could you possibly know if I was lying or not, huh?"
He rolls his eyes. "First off, you're my girlfriend and I can tell if you're lying to me. Secondly, you were biting your lip when you said that. Christina said that's your tell."
"My tell?" I ask confusedly.
"Yes, your tell. How someone knows if you're lying or not. Some people rub their necks, some people's voices go up or down an octave, and some are harder to tell, like the twitch of an eye or finger."
"So what's your tell?" I ask, nonchalantly stalling still so I can maybe wiggle out of that question.
He gives me a hard stare. "I don't know. Ask Christina. She knows everyone's."
It's silent for a moment, and I can tell he's waiting for me to answer his earlier question.
"So how does Christina know everyone's tell?" I legitimately ask out of curiosity.
"She came from Candor. She was practically raised as a living, breathing, lie detector. She knows all of the signs that people make if they lie and keeps them to herself."
"Ah," I say, and hurriedly try to think of another question.
"So why did Chr-"
"Tris, I'm not stupid. You're stalling and I know it. Now answer the question, please."
I sigh and look away again. His hand comes to my cheek and tilts it back up, but I gently yank my face back out of his grip and look at his chest again.
"I'm afraid you won't want me anymore if I tell you," I quietly say, physically punching myself at my vulnerable tone.
He grabs the hand that punched my arm and takes it in between both of his. He gently pries my clenched fingers off from the inside of my palm. When that's done he skims his finger along the lines of my palm, somewhat calming me.
"I'm afraid of intimacy," I say as quickly and as quietly as humanly possible. His hands freeze in his ministrations for a moment.
"Say that again? I couldn't hear you."
I hold my breath and it takes a couple of tries, but I eventually say it again.
"I'm afraid of intimacy," I say just a bit louder, but just as quick. I can feel my cheeks starting to tinge pink.
"Tris, slowly. You don't need to be afraid of telling me. I'm not going to judge you. My opinion of you won't change, I promise."
I chew my lip. "Are you sure?" I whisper.
"I'm 100% positive."
"You won't leave me?"
"No, of course not."
I take another deep breath and flick my eyes up to his. My cheeks turn even more red and I look away again. "I'm afraid of...intimacy," I tell him, slowly saying the last word. It's silent for a while and I start to get nervous. Right when my nerves reach their peak, he chuckles.
"That's what you were so afraid of telling me?"
I look up, a little bewildered by his reaction. "So, you aren't going to leave me?"
"Why would I do that?"
I shrug and chew on the inside of my cheek. "Sometimes I can't help but wonder what's in this for you."
"What's in it for me," he repeats. He shakes his head moments afterwards. "You're an idiot, Tris."
"I am not an idiot," I snap. "Which is why I know that it's a little weird that, of all the girls you could have chosen, you chose me. I didn't want to tell you because...well...you're older, and I don't know what your expectations are, and…." I trail off.
"Tris," he says sternly, gently grabbing my chin and tilting my eyes back up to meet his gaze. "I don't know what delusion you're operating under, but this is all new to me too."
"Delusion?" I repeat. "You mean...you haven't…" I bite my lip and raise my eyebrows at him. "Oh. Oh. I just assumed...um, you know…"
He shakes his head. "Well you assumed wrong."
Was it just me or did his cheeks turn color?
"You can tell me anything, you know," he gently says. I release a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding and nod. It's silent for a few moments and I decide it's time to move on from this embarrassing topic. Although, I do feel as if a weight has been lifted from my chest. Is that what it feels like to open up to someone?
"Next question?" I ask slowly and flick my eyes down again.
Suddenly I feel his lips placing butterfly kisses along my neck. Like earlier, I tense up, but this time it's because of surprise. My eyes flicker shut and I relax a moment later.
"I don't think this is a question," I whimper.
His lips stop. "Does this scare you, Tris?"
I don't answer at first. I'm honestly a little unsure of what I feel. I know I'm a little afraid, but I also know that he would never take advantage of me like Eric did.
"Do you want me to stop?"
I shake my head before I can think my decision through. I feel my cheeks burning and know they've turned a deep red.
"No. Don't stop that. It feels….it feels good." My cheeks burn even more and I put my hands against them, trying to cool them off. He tilts my chin up again and makes eye contact with me. My cheeks burn again, making any progress I'd made on them disappear. He gives a short, light-hearted laugh and kisses my forehead.
"It's so easy to make you blush, Tris."
"Shut up, I know," I mumble just loud enough for him to hear. He laughs a bit harder this time.
"And this is why you're my girlfriend."
His hands cover mine, which are still trying to cool my cheeks down, and brings my lips to his. I let myself melt into him and relax at his touch. He only kisses me for a minute or so, but I needed it, and somehow he could tell.
He takes my hands off my cheeks and puts them back down on the bed. He places one of his on my middle back and the other brushes hair out of my face.
"Only a couple more questions for now," he states quietly.
"Okay...shoot," I whisper.
"When do you plan to tell someone about these nightmares?"
I chew the inside of my cheek. I bite my lip a second later without thinking. "Soon," I lie.
"Tris. Lip."
I stop biting my lip right away and look away, blushing.
"Are you sure you didn't get an aptitude for Candor, Tris? Because you're a terrible liar."
I stay silent. He sighs and leads my face back to him.
"Tris, I was being serious."
"I know you were," I snap.
"You're going into defense mode again," he states matter-of-factly. And he's right; I am. I sigh.
"I'm sorry. It's just what I do when I'm scared or nervous or unsure of something. I try to protect myself by doing that. I've been doing it for so long it's just become habit….I'm sorry."
He brushes another piece of hair away from my face and tucks it behind my ear.
"You need to tell someone about these dreams, and soon."
I sigh and gently say, "I know. I just don't because I don't like the feeling of not being able to handle something on my own. I don't like being out of control. I don't want to openly admit I can't handle these dreams by myself."
"Tris, if you tell someone about them, you're more likely going to be able to get a good grip on the dreams and somewhat control them. But if you let them keep going on, with them getting worse and worse, you're just going to be more out of control as the days go on. You know that, right?"
I stare into his eyes for a few moments. I know he's probably right. I should tell someone about these dreams. But then I think about telling someone about last night's dream and feel queasy all over again.
"Yes, I know," I answer softly.
"I'm just worried, okay? Last night was bad...and I don't want to see you like that again if I can help it. It was scary, Tris. Seeing you laying on the floor, not moving, pale, and shaking? That scared the shit out of me."
I look down. I didn't mean to make him worried. I didn't mean for him to be scared for me. His fingers slide under my chin and bring it back up again.
"I know what you're thinking, so stop. It's not your fault that you're having dreams like this. And I'm guessing that because of yesterday's events, Eric was involved in one way or another in last night's dream."
I purse my lips and hesitate, but then nod, confirming his suspicions. We stare at each other for a few moments, then I decide that I want to stop answering questions. I close my eyes and place my face in the crook of his neck, taking deep breaths in of his scent.
"Can we be done with questions for now?" I ask quietly.
He turns his head just slightly and places his lips on the top of my head before turning it back to normal. I take that as a yes and nuzzle farther into his scent. His hands gently rub up and down my back, adding an extra calming effect. Eventually, my eyelids start to drift shut, and instead of fighting it, I do what Tobias would want me to do; I sleep.
Hey guys, once again, sorry for the gap between updates! Something called life tends to get in the way...I'm on vacation right now so I was able to finish this up and edit so I could update for y'all! Can we shoot for 480 reviews, 272 favorites, and 328 follows? I bet we can make it! It's crazy to think that we're almost at half a thousand reviews….I can't believe I've made it that far! Anyways, until next time, ADIOS AMIGOS!