Hey guys! So, I'm back (Again...)! Anyways, I won't keep you waiting much longer since I know I left you on a cliffy and you probably aren't reading this anyways because of that fact...but oh well! What can ya do?
Disclaimer: I may like to leave you on cliffies, but I will never write them as well as Veronica Roth...so, with that being said, I do not own the Divergent series or ANY of the characters!
Chapter 33
Tris' POV
I climb into the running truck a moment later. Tobias immediately hands me my ice cream with a questioning look.
"What did you and Sadie talk about? It sure took a while," Justin says.
"Oh, not a lot. Just gave me something of Mom's and talked to me about how life has been," I half-lie. He raises an eyebrow at me through the rearview mirror but doesn't say anything else. I start to eat my chocolate peanut butter ice cream, still thinking about what Sadie said. I eventually turn to look at Tobias. He raises an eyebrow at me too.
"Later," I mouth. He nods and turns back to his ice cream.
We get to the White's home in a matter of a couple minutes, as Haviland is a small town. Justin parks in the driveway and unlocks everyone's doors. We climb out and Justin comes over and puts an arm around my shoulder. I wince at the shot of pain it causes, but otherwise stay quiet.
"Here's the deal: Makayla doesn't know you're coming...so try to be quiet when you walk through the door. I'll go up there and tell her that there is a strawberry ice cream with sprinkles waiting for her downstairs. When she comes down, she'll probably try to tackle you, so beware," he recites.
I laugh quietly and nod. He takes his arm off me as we walk through the front door. I look over to Taylor; I've only now realized how quiet she's been. She's looking at the ground as we walk. I stare at her for a moment and see a glimpse of me. I forget that she's going through something like I did. I can't not expect to see her a bit gloomy and quiet.
"Taylor?" I hear Justin ask worriedly.
Her head snaps up and she gives a small, tired smile. "I think I'm going to actually head up to bed. It's been a long day."
I go over and hug her. I don't know if anyone else saw the pain in her eyes or the smile she just faked, but I did.
"Do you want to know what the last words my mother said to me were?" I whisper in her ear. She very slightly nods. "Be brave." I pause for a moment. "Those were the last words she ever said to me, and I used to wonder why she didn't say something like 'I love you' or 'I'll miss you', but now I understand. She knew I would have a hard time getting through it, and she also knew that whatever she said to me last would replay in my head over and over again. It did, and now that I understand why she said what she did, I've tried to be brave. Ever since I have, I've been able to start moving on. I'm not saying you should move on yet, Lord knows I took years to, but I just think you should try to, when you feel like you can." She nods against my shoulder and I feel something wet hit my neck. She subtly wipes another tear off on my shirt when she pulls back from me.
"You sure you're okay, Taylor?" Justin asks again, looking between her and I.
"Yeah, I'm okay now. Goodnight everybody." She quietly heads upstairs.
Justin flicks his eyes to me, then to Tobias, who was standing closest to Taylor and I when I was whispering to her. He shrugs as if to say, 'I don't know what they were talking about'. His eyes go back over to me and I sweetly smile at him, not saying anything. He eventually sighs, and after he knows he's not getting anything out of me, starts heading towards the stairs.
"I'll go get Makayla," he mumbles.
Once he disappears, Tobias asks, "So what were you talking about?"
"Nothing of your concern," I say back in the same tone as my smile gives off. A sweet, 'I'm not telling you', smile. He sighs.
I go into the living room and sit down on the couch. Tobias follows behind me.
"What about Sadie, can you tell me what she said?"
"Do you not understand the whole concept of 'later'?" I ask him teasingly.
"It is later," he slightly pouts. I laugh and pinch his cheeks. He immediately swats my hands away, causing me to laugh again.
"Awww, is my poor wittle Four feeling grumpy?"
"I think a kiss would help," he says, smirking.
"Hmmm…" I say, pretending to think. His face leans in close to mine, and I lean forward to, as if I were to kiss him. Right when our lips are millimeters from touching, I turn my head and his lips meet my cheek instead. This only causes him to pout more. I hear footsteps coming down the stairs and peck him on the cheek before turning my head to look.
Justin comes down the stairs first and smiles at me. He mouths, "She's coming."
And sure enough, a moment later she walks into sight, coming down the stairs. You can tell she's sick; she's looking a little worse for wear. Her skin is paler, she is a bit shaky, and you can see that just coming downstairs has worn her out. Other than that, she still looks like her cheery old self. Her eyes are alive with excitement, probably for her ice cream, and she's smiling. She's wearing her favorite pajamas, which are covered with purple monkeys and blue hearts.
"Where's my ice cweam, Justin?" Her voice sounds a bit ragged and scratchy, which is understandable.
"It's right in the living room," he answers.
"I can eat in the living woom?" she asks excitedly, clutching a stuffed monkey in her arms.
"I suppose you can, just this once," he says with a smile on his face.
She hurriedly runs towards the couch, and she's short enough that she doesn't see me looking over the top of it. It isn't until she pops out from around the couch that she sees me and Tobias.
"Bumblebea!" she tries to yell. If she wasn't sick it would have been extremely loud, but since her voice was already raspy, it didn't come out as loud as she had hoped for it too. She suddenly jumps onto my lap and wraps her arms around my neck.
"Take it easy Kayla-bo-Bayla!" I say, trying to keep her from making herself even more sick.
"Hey guys, is it okay if I go upstairs and get some stuff done while you watch Makayla?" Justin asks. I turn to Tobias and he nods.
"Yeah, it's fine!" I reply.
"Okay, cool! I'll be back in about 15 minutes!" he says before hurrying up the stairs.
"I thought I wasn't gonna see you again! I wanted to come to the faiwa, but I got sick!" she explains dejectedly after Justin is gone.
"Hey now, since when have I broken a promise?" I ask her.
"Neva!"
"That's right, and I'm not about to break one now! Especially to one of my favorite girls in the entire world!"
She giggles and unwraps her arms from my neck. She looks over to Four, seemingly just now noticing he was there. I look over at him too and find him smiling at me, looking like he's deep in thought. I can't help but crack a smile as well, wondering what he's thinking about.
"Fouwa! You came too!" she says excitedly.
He seems to snap out of his trance and quickly transfers eye contact to Makayla. "Yeah, I did," he says, chuckling at her antics.
She crawls off my lap and goes over to Tobias'. He seems extremely surprised that she did so, and I have to say that I'm actually a bit surprised she did as well. She wraps her arms around his neck and he hesitantly hugs her back. I can't help but smile at the sight. Now I see why he was smiling. All I have to do now is figure out what he was thinking about.
After a minute or two, she pulls back and crawls back over to me. I lean over her and reach to the end table where her slightly melted ice cream sits.
I hand it to her and say, "You better hurry up and eat it before it all melts!"
She grins at me and turns to Tobias. "Can you hold my monkey?" she asks. Tobias chuckles and nods before taking it out of her hands. She hurriedly digs in a moment later.
"This is my favwit ice cweam," she says in between bites.
"That's what I thought when I ordered it for you. I was hoping it hadn't changed!"
"Stwabawy is always gonna be my favwit ice cweam!" she exclaims. "Oh, and spwinkles!" she adds on. I chuckle and stay quiet for the rest of the time she eats.
"I'm done now, Bumblebea," she says after she's done, holding the empty container in the air, not knowing what to do with it. I take it from her and set it on the end table again. I make a mental note in my head to remember to throw it away later.
"I'm sorry you got sick and had to miss out on all the fun at the fair, Kayla," I tell her.
"It's okay! I feel betta now that you came to see me!" she says.
I chuckle. "I'm not quite sure that's how it works."
"What do you mean?" she asks.
I purse my lips, looking for the right words, but I can't seem to find any.
"What she's saying is that she thinks you're probably still a little bit sick," Tobias pipes in. I look at him gratefully, then turn back to Makayla.
"Oh. You'wa pobably wight. Bumblebea is neva wong," she says matter of factly.
I giggle. "Now, that isn't exactly correct. Everybody makes mistakes, including me."
She turns to look at Tobias. "What about you, Fouwa? Do you make mistakes?" she asks fairly curiously.
It's his turn to chuckle. "I have definitely made some mistakes. But you learn from them, and you move on. You make mistakes so next time you'll know not to do that again."
Makayla sits thinking for a minute. "Ohhhhhhh…." she says. "I get it now. So is that why old people aw smawt?"
I laugh, but she seems to not hear me. Tobias answers her again, smiling and trying to hold back laughter of his own at her choice of words. "Yes, I suppose that's why."
She slowly nods and sighs a minute later. She shifts in my lap and lays her head on my shoulder.
"What's wrong, Makayla?" I ask, worried she might be feeling nauseous from the ice cream.
"Nothing," she says, and yawns. I smile. She's just tired.
"Okay, just making sure," I say.
Her eyes slowly start to droop shut, but she fights against sleep. "You'wa a weally nice guy Fouwa," she says tiredly.
He smiles at her. "I'm glad you think so."
"Isn't Fouwa a nice guy Bumblebea?" she asks me. I smile and turn my head to Tobias.
"Yeah," I say, staring into his eyes, forgetting that's what I wanted to avoid because of what happened earlier. "He is."
It isn't until Makayla yawns that I snap back to reality. I blush from staring at Tobias for who knows how long, and look down at Makayla. Her eyes are shut and I can tell that she is only minutes away from sleep.
"Let's get you to bed, Makayla," I whisper. She nods and wraps her arms around my neck. "I'll be right back. Let me get her upstairs," I say to Tobias. He nods and slouches back into the couch.
"My monkey," Makayla sleepily mumbles. "I want my monkey."
I look to Tobias. He's staring at us, still sitting on the couch in front of us, but doesn't seem to actually be here. His mind is obviously in another place.
"Four," I whisper. He doesn't respond, nor do his eyes seem to focus; not even a little bit. He's still lost in his thoughts. "Four," I try again. No answer. "Four," I whisper fairly loud.
I giggle when I see Tobias snap back to reality. He quickly hands the monkey to Makayla before looking down at his lap. I can see a faint blush spread across his face. I giggle again before standing up.
I wrap my arms around her back to keep her from slipping off me. Luckily, Makayla wraps her legs around my waist, making my grip on her much easier to keep ahold of. I smile as her head falls onto my shoulder. Her light breath blows against my neck, but it only makes me smile larger.
I head up the stairs and go into the room that is Makayla's. I let go of her with one hand and pull the covers back. I bring that arm back up and hold the back of her head as I lower her down onto her bed. She shifts and I see her eyes crack open a bit. I pull the covers over her, up to her shoulders since she seems to be cold. I squat down so I'm eye-level with her and brush the hair back from her face.
"Get better soon, okay Kayla?" I tell her gently.
"Okay Bumblebea," she replies, her eyes falling back shut again. I lean forward and kiss her forehead. She smiles sleepily at me and closes her eyes completely. After a few minutes, her body relaxes and her breaths even out. I stare at her for a few moments more before standing up and quietly walking out, turning the fan on as I leave just in case she gets hot in the middle of the night.
I walk quietly back downstairs. I go over to the couch where Tobias is still sitting and sit on the end. I pull my knees up to my chest and lean back against the arm of the couch, looking at him. He looks back at me.
"You'd be a good mother, you know," he quietly tells me. I immediately feel my cheeks turn color and I lay my head on my knees, trying to hide it. But it's probably useless; he most likely saw it already.
It stays quiet for a little bit, and when I finally get my blush under control, I pull my head back up.
"You wouldn't be too shabby of a father yourself," I shyly tell him with a small smile on my face.
But much to my dismay, he shakes his head and breaks eye contact. He glares at the TV in front of him, even though it's not on.
"Tobias?" I whisper questioningly.
He keeps staring ahead. I get out of my position and scoot a little bit closer to him. I very gently lay a hand on his arm, and I feel some of his muscles relax.
"Listen, I'm sorry for whatever I said, I didn't mean to make you upset," I meekly say.
He sighs, his glare disappears, and his arm creeps around me. "I'm not upset. Just thinking."
"It sure didn't look like you were just thinking," I point out.
He turns and kisses my forehead. "You're too observant for your own good."
I wait for him to say something else, but he never does.
"Please tell me, Tobias," I plead.
He turns his head again and looks me in the eyes. He stares at me for a few moments before he sighs, leans his head back, and closes his eyes.
"Sometimes I find myself wondering, if I were ever to have kids, who I would be," he says quietly.
"What do you mean, who would you be?"
He pauses. "Would I be who I am now? Would I be someone my kids were proud to call their Dad? Or would I just turn out to be another Marcus?"
I had to lean closer in order to hear him. I frown at him, even though he can't see me.
"Tobias, look at me."
I wait for him to open up his eyes, and he does, but he keeps his gaze on the ceiling above him.
"Hey, look at me," I add on gently.
Yet he still continues to find the ceiling more interesting than looking at me. I place my hand on his cheek, my fingers scratching against the slight stubble he has on his chin and jaw. I give him a few more moments, then gently lead his face downwards towards me. His gaze finally meets mine.
"You're not going to be another Marcus. You're too great of a person to ever do something like that. Plus, you've already told yourself about a trillion times to not be like him; to not be like your father. You're too big of a sweetheart to be a Marcus. I know you, and I know that you would never, in a million years, turn out to be a reincarnation of him," I say sincerely.
His eyes flick around, looking at different parts of my eyes. "Careful, Tris. You're ruining my reputation. Sweetheart? Really?" If the joke didn't sound so forced, I might have cracked a smile, or maybe even had laughed.
After I stay silent, probably looking much more concerned rather than amused, he leans forward and places his forehead against mine.
"You would be a great father," I whisper to him.
He sighs after several moments of silence, and his hot breath blows against my lips.
"I don't know, Tris. I don't know." He shakes his head just ever so slightly as he speaks. My heart aches at seeing him be so doubtful of himself. Is this how he feels when he sees me like this?
I run my free hand through his hair a couple times before sliding it down to his other cheek. I feel him relax ever so slightly under my touch.
"I know, Tobias. I know. And that's all that really matters," I whisper back.
He closes his eyes, and his head rests a lot heavier on mine than before. I push against him a little bit more, keeping our heads upright. His hands, which are resting on the couch, slide over and gently grip the tops of my knees. I close my eyes too, and wait.
Even though they're only millimeters away from each other, our lips never meet; they don't need to. That's not what he needs right now. Right now, what he needs is strength. I'm not sure how much strength I actually have, but it's something I'm happy to give. He's given me strength before, and he continues to everyday I'm with him. He does it unknowingly most of the time. He comforts and strengthens me in my times of need, and I want to do the same. I'm not sure if it's because of his independence and more private persona, or if it's just in a man's DNA, that keeps him from admitting his times of weakness. But just because he doesn't show weakness often doesn't mean he's any stronger than the next person; it just means he's better at hiding it. I may not get the chance to be his rock very often, but that's okay. It's the times like these that count.
I hear movement from upstairs and have a feeling that Justin will be coming back down in a minute. I open my eyes, reluctant to break this moment, but know I have to if he doesn't want Justin asking questions (which I'm pretty sure he doesn't).
I still hold his head up, but gently rub my thumbs back and forth from my hold on his face to let him know that Justin will be coming. He takes a deep breath, obviously understanding my hint, and opens his eyes. He meets mine and slowly pulls away.
Footsteps are heard creaking down the stairs, and am suddenly glad that I hadn't waited any longer. Tobias' hands loosen their grip on me, but don't let go quite yet.
Justin appears at the foot of the stairs and I peek up to look at him. His eyes scan the area and his eyebrow raises.
"Where's Makayla?"
"She was falling asleep, so I brought her up to bed after she ate her ice cream and talked her heart out," I reply.
He nods in understanding. "Well, if you want, you guys can go now. I've got everything done that needed to be done. Of course, you're welcome to stay for a while longer if you want. It's completely up to you guys. But I'm going to go up to bed."
I don't know why exactly, but I just have this gut feeling there's something he's hiding. He doesn't usually do anything before bed but take a shower and change. I know that from the past group sleepovers we've had. Unless he's changed a lot, I don't know what he could've been doing for 30 minutes by himself up in his room. He doesn't usually go to bed until midnight, or 1am unless he absolutely has to. Then again, I could be wrong and just be paranoid. My mind has been paranoid ever since we came into Haviland. Or, more accurately, since the accident.
I look at Tobias for his opinion. He slightly nods and lets go of my knees. I smile slightly at him and stand up.
"I actually think we'll get going. But thanks for driving us over here so I could see Makayla."
Justin smiles. "It wasn't a problem. It was nice to see you again, Bea. Really nice. I've missed you and your little smart-ass personality. I think we all needed to see you again."
I smile. "I needed to see you guys again, too. It would've felt wrong to come here and not see you," I say genuinely.
I hear Tobias stand up and suddenly he's standing next to me. Justin stretches out his hand for him, which Tobias takes. They shake once, twice, three times before letting go.
"It was nice meeting you, Four. Take care of her for us," Justin says.
"I don't plan on doing anything else," is Tobias' reply. I feel myself blush a bit.
They hold eye contact for a moment longer before Tobias breaks it, looking to me.
"I'll wait outside, okay?"
I nod gently, silently wondering how he knew I wanted this goodbye to be just between Justin and I.
He quickly kisses the top of my head and walks out the front door, shutting it behind him.
"Just a second, Bea," Justin says suddenly.
He disappears into the kitchen for a moment, but comes back rather quickly. There is a small bouquet of flowers in his hand and he gently hands it to me. I raise my eyebrow.
"They're for your family," he explains.
I frown. I forgot to get anything. I feel extremely selfish.
"Thank you."
"It's not a problem."
Justin holds his arms out a couple moments later. I hesitantly step into them, loosely wrapping my arms around him, still feeling like he's keeping something from me. He tightly squeezes me, but pulls back rather quickly.
"Hey, what's up?" he asks. I sigh. I need to work on how to keep these kinds of suspicions a secret. Everyone I know, or ever have known, has told me what a bad poker face I have.
"It's nothing."
"I've learned that whenever a girl says that 'It's nothing', or 'I'm fine', it's actually something, and they are absolutely not fine." I roll my eyes but know he's right. "C'mon. What's up? You can tell me, you know."
I bite my lip in nervousness. I look up at him and make sure to keep careful watch of his body language as I say, "I feel like there's something you're keeping from me."
His eyes widen in just the slightest, and a shocked look comes upon his face. It's in that moment that I know I was right.
I wait for him to talk before I say anything more. I don't want to give him ideas of lies he could feed me. Although, if he doesn't speak soon, I will. Luckily, he does about 30 shocked seconds later.
"How did you know?" he sighs.
"I just had a gut feeling. I know you; you're like a brother to me. So I guess I subconsciously noticed you hadn't exactly been yourself for the past half hour or so, and came to that conclusion."
He sighs again. "What did I do to give it away?"
"Well, you don't usually spend 30 minutes getting ready for bed, let alone go to bed before midnight unless you have to," I say, getting more and more frustrated the more he stalls and questions.
He nods, but says nothing. It's silent for the next minute, and I try to hold my tongue, but it proves to be more difficult than I thought it would be. On the second minute of silence, I finally can't hold it anymore.
"So what are you hiding from me?"
He thinks for a moment, probably about what he is going to say, but before he can start talking he's cut off by a dinging from my phone. I quickly fish it out and turn the ringer off. I read the notification that got my attention and see it's a text from Christina.
We are planning on leaving in about 45 minutes or so.
As quickly as possible, I send a reply saying, "Thanks". I put it back in my pocket and look back up at Justin, way more frustrated than before. I have to leave now if I want to actually have enough time to say what I need to say to my family. Even though I'm not sure what I'm going to tell them, I know that once I start it'll be hard to stop.
"I have to go," I frustratingly say. As the words fall out of my mouth, Justin's face relaxes slightly. It only makes me more frustrated.
"Listen, meet me at the park tonight, at 1. I'll tell you then."
"And what makes you think I'll do that?"
Justin's face falls a bit at my stubbornness. "Please, Bea. You have to."
"Who says I have to? Why should I?"
"It's important, Bea. I don't know what exactly it is, but I know it's important that you read it."
"Read it? Read what?" I say as stubbornly as I can, trying not to let my curiosity show.
He sighs. "Just please meet me at the park tonight. It's the only way."
"Why can't I read whatever is so important right now?" I ask, not really frustrated anymore. I'm mostly just curious as to what has his panties in such a twist. What could possibly be so important that he wants me to sneak out at 12:30 in the morning and drive for 20 minutes in the dead of night to a different town?
"I have a feeling there wouldn't be enough time."
"Why? Have you read it?" I notice I'm asking why a lot, but just hope he doesn't catch onto it.
"No, I haven't read it. It's supposed to be read by you, that's all I know."
"Then why is it so important?"
"It just is, okay?!"
I'm taken aback by how frantic and panicked he looks. From the looks he's giving me, he acts as if me not showing up tonight would be the end of the world; like it's a life-or-death situation. I've never seen him like this before. He's always been cool and collected. Never frantic.
I'm shocked for a moment or two and don't respond right away. I finally snap to my senses afterwards. "Listen, I'll see what I can do, okay? But I can't promise anything."
"No, Beatrice, listen to me. This is important. You have to find a way to be there tonight. You always find a way. I know you can. You just have to trust me that this is important."
I take a deep breath in and out, assessing the situation. Whilst I know that Justin wouldn't lie about something like this, he himself says he hasn't read whatever this...this...this thing is. Why on earth would he insist on me coming to the park, in the middle of the night, to read something that is apparently so important it can't wait, when he doesn't even know what it is?
"Please promise me you'll be there, Bea."
I look up into his frantic eyes. "Name one good reason I should," I boldly demand.
He raises his hands and clasps them around the back of his neck, letting out a deep breath while staring up at the ceiling, probably collecting his thoughts. He eventually lowers both his hands and gazes down back at me. His eyes meet mine.
"A letter. To you."
"A letter? To me? If it's for me, why didn't they just send it to me? Why you?"
"Well, I-uh…" He trails off for a moment. "It was inside a larger envelope. It said my name and address. But when I opened it I found another envelope inside. And it said your name on the front. I have reason to believe that whoever sent it doesn't know where you live."
"But why would they send it here?"
"I think they were hoping that I would see you and give it to you at some point in time."
I frown. "But why you? Most people who know me would give it to Taylor or Hailey to give to me."
"At first I didn't understand either, but I think I do now."
"Okay, so allow me to cut to the chase. Who was the letter from?"
He opens and closes his mouth several times.
"If I know who it's from, it might help this process go by much faster," I say impatiently.
He looks extremely nervous. He opens his mouth a few more times before closing it up again. He finally manages to get something out.
"I just received it this morning, I swear. If I knew, I would've told you a lot sooner. I don't know how long ago it was written, but it's hard to tell from just the writing of your nam-"
"Stop beating around the bush, Justin! Who was it from?!" I say, raising my voice slightly.
He looks up at the ceiling, off to the side, down at the floor, behind me; pretty much everywhere but my eyes, before he answers. I prepare myself for the worst. Was it from Eric? Hailey?
It turns out that neither of those guesses were correct. It also turns out that no amount of self preparation could have prepared me for what he said next.
His eyes steadily gaze into mine as he opens his mouth to speak.
"Caleb. It was from Caleb."
I forget how to breathe for a moment. Like, literally forget how to breathe. I stumble back a few steps and bump into the couch. It's only when I feel my lungs start to burn from the lack of air that I actually focus on remembering how breathing works. Once I get my breathing under control, I narrow my eyes at him.
"You're lying."
He looks shocked. "Bea, I'm not lying! I wouldn't lie about something like t-"
"Caleb is dead!" I shout as loud as I can without disturbing anyone who could be sleeping upstairs.
"I know he is, Beatrice! I know he is! But I'm not lying!"
I stare with narrowed eyes at him. But no matter how much I try, I can't find any traces of guilt, dishonesty, or joking in his face. I may look put together on the outside, but I'm screaming on the inside.
"Beatrice...please...please believe me."
I know he's telling the truth, but instead of comforting me, it only makes me more confused and angry than before. Justin starts to walk towards me, but I stop him by holding my hand up and lightly pushing him a few steps backwards. I stare at him for a few more moments. I finally stop leaning against the couch and walk to the front door. I'm ready to get out of here. I need to get out of here.
I put my hand on the knob, but don't open it right away. I turn back around to see Justin looking distraught and regretful; still nothing that screams, "Liar! Liar!" I silently curse to myself.
"I'll see what I can do. But that's all I can promise," I say in a cold tone. I hold eye contact for one more moment before twisting the knob and stepping out into the cold, night air. I shut the door behind me and step off the front porch.
I immediately take a deep breath in and marvel in the new air. I close my eyes and take in a few more breaths. It seems to cool off my temper a bit.
I feel a hand slip into mine, and open my eyes, startled, yanking it back.
"Everything okay, Tris?" Tobias asks me.
I sigh in relief. It's just Tobias. "Everything's fine," I reply to him. "You just scared me, that's all."
His eyebrows furrow. "Are you sure?"
I nod. "Yes." I slip my hand back into his and squeeze it, trying to reassure him. Or maybe I'm trying to reassure myself, I really don't know at this point.
He stares at me for a few more moments, questioningly. I roll my eyes, trying to look convincing. It seems to do it; he kisses my temple a moment later.
"We have to get going now. Christina texted me about ten minutes ago and said they-"
"Not meaning to interrupt you, but I got the text, too. We should probably get going before time runs out."
I nod, knowing he's right. "Let's go, then."
"Lead the way,"
I attempt a smile at him and start to lead him to the cemetery. I clutch the flowers tightly in my hand, as if they'd blow away at the slightest breeze. Along the way, I try to keep my mind off the situation with Justin and the letter, but to no avail.
Is he just lying to me about this? Is this all some big joke? Would Justin really do something like that? Especially when it concerns my dead brother?
"No," my subconscious tells me. "He wouldn't."
I have to see what that letter is. I have to confirm myself that it was from Caleb. There's a thousand questions running through my head. How does Justin know for sure that it was from Caleb?
He knows what his handwriting looks like. They're nerds, remember? They saw each other's handwriting all the time.
But why would I be getting a letter from Caleb in the first place? Did someone else have it and finally decide to send it to someone who would give it to me?
That's the only logical explanation.
But why did they have it in the first place? Why would this person have Caleb's letter? And a better question yet: why did Caleb write a letter to me? When? If he had something to say, why wouldn't he just tell me in person? He didn't know a drunk driver would kill everyone but me; he probably thought he had all the time in the world. He's never been extremely good with words, much like me, so maybe that's why he wrote the letter? But I'm still confused as to why he didn't give it to me sooner if that was the case.
Also, who had the letter? There was no one but Tori and I who collected my family's things, along with my own, when we moved to Chicago. No one else could have gotten their hands on that letter, and Tori obviously did not have it. Unless Caleb gave it to someone to give to me later?
Even after all of these theories, I still feel like it would be such a non-Caleb thing for him to do. It doesn't make sense. None of the puzzle pieces are going together. The only other theory I have would be if he wrote it recently and sent it to Justin instead of me, because he was not sure where I lived.
No, Tris. You can't start thinking like that. He's dead. D-E-A-D; dead. You felt his nonexistent pulse, you saw his blood, you heard his screams. He's dead. Don't let your hopes get up for something as silly as that. It'll only crush you more once you confirm what you already know.
I sigh quietly and shake my head. This is all too confusing. The only thing I know for sure is that I'm going to the park tonight, alone...which brings on a whole other set of mental questions.
"How are you going to get a car? They won't just let you leave," is the first question I ask myself. I'm going to have to take the keys somehow, most likely from Tori. The only problem is she pockets both sets of keys so fast that I definitely won't be able to take them without her noticing. I'll have to go into her hotel room and get a set, somehow. Hotel doors are locked without the key, so I would have to knock to get into her room. In other words, Tori will definitely know if I'm in her room. I doubt she'll take her eyes off of me either. And even if she does, I'd have to find the keys first before taking them.
"Let's say you did manage to get the keys. That's great and all, but how are you going to get away from Tobias?"
I think long and hard about this one. I think of the time when he told me I could go to Tori and talk. Maybe I could say that's what I was doing. But I've already told him that I don't want to talk to her because I haven't told her about the whole 'rape' thing with Eric yet. That would only raise more questions. Maybe I could make up an excuse about having a question for Tori.
"A question? For Tori? This is looking quite pathetic."
I quietly sigh in frustration.
"And hopeless."
I run my free hand through my hair, not caring about it falling out. I feel some come loose, and take the Bobby pins out of the strands hanging in my face. I take them and put them in my pocket.
I am about to start thinking again when Tobias squeezes my hand. I've stopped walking. I look ahead of me and see the entrance to the cemetery. My heart starts to beat faster and I feel as if a weight has been dropped into my stomach. For a long time, I thought that coming here would help me. Maybe it would help the nightmares. I thought that's all I needed to do. But now that I'm here, I'm not so sure.
"Umm…maybe-maybe we should just...go. I'm not feeling the greatest. Maybe-maybe next time. Is it cold out here to you?" I stutter. At least part of it is the truth; I am cold.
"Tris…" His hand unlaces from mine and instead lands on my shoulder. He turns me so I'm facing him. "I'll be right here with you when you need me, okay? I'm not leaving. You're not alone." His blue eyes bore into mine. "Okay?"
It takes a moment, but I feel myself nodding silently. I can do this. I need to do this.
"I'll stand right here until you're ready for me, okay?"
I bite my lip and nod again, clutching the flowers tighter. A sudden fear crawls up on me.
"What if I'm not strong enough to do this? What if I can't? What if I break down and start crying?" I weakly say.
Both of his hands grip my arms, firmly holding me in place. "First of all, Tris, you are the strongest person I know. You've lost everything, and more, yet you're still holding on. You're still fighting to become a better person; to live happier. You have strength within you, you just have to believe in yourself in order to find it. And secondly, just because you cry does not make you weak or any less strong than the next person. You're at your family's graves for God's sake. It's okay to cry. It's okay to show some emotion."
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, contemplating over what he said.
"I'll be right here, remember?" he says, leaning his forehead against mine.
I nod very carefully, trying not to let our heads fall off each other. I lean in for a kiss a moment later, something he happily returns. I keep it short and sweet, but feel much better after that.
"I remember," I whisper.
He smiles softly at me, and lets go of my arms. He takes a step back and leans against the rock wall surrounding the yard. I turn to the small gravesite before me and bravely take the steps towards the stones marked 'Prior'.
Their stones are towards the back. They're far enough away that I don't think Tobias will be able to hear what I say if I'm quiet enough; not that he's probably trying to listen in anyways.
I finally reach the tombstones. I stand in front of them for a moment, trying to let it sink in.
R.I.P.
In loving memory of Andrew & Natalie Prior.
Devoted Husband & Wife, Friends of many, Loving Parents of two.
Natalie
January 22, 1977 - September 28, 2014
Andrew
June 17, 1977 - September 28, 2014
Let their compassion not be a reminder of who they were, but who they would want you to be.
Caleb's stone is right next to theirs. I find it odd that Justin said he and Taylor couldn't find it. But maybe he was just trying to protect me...in some way. Doing what Caleb would do and try not to let me dwell on the past.
R.I.P.
In loving memory of Caleb Prior.
Caring Friend, Outstanding Student, Loving Brother and Son.
October 23, 1997 - September 28, 2014
Gone are the days we used to share, but in my heart you're always there.
"Without knowledge, life is no more than a shadow of death."
I let my eyes skim these few lines over and over again, until it hits me all over again that they're never coming back. Ever. And that's what ends up being the last straw for me.
I fall to my knees as heavy, racking sobs shake through my body. I run my fingers through the grass, looking for something to help ground me.
I cry for what feels like hours. I cry for my parents, for Caleb, for me. I cry for the things that they never got to do. I cry for the opportunities they never got to take. I cry for anything and everything. I cry for their lives; they were cut off too soon. They were all too young; too young to die.
Once I've finally reduced to sniffling, I try to get ahold of myself. I take a few deep breaths, then start.
"I don't know if you guys can hear me or not. I could very well just be talking to a stupid marble rock. But I'd like to think you can...so, hi Mom, hi Dad, hi Caleb…" I shakily say. I try to think of what I should say next, but nothing comes to mind.
A few moments later, I realize I'm thinking too hard about this and that I shouldn't try to plan out what I say. I should talk to them as if they were really here.
"You know, after two years, you'd think it'd get easier. But it doesn't. I still feel the pain of your missing presence everyday. I still feel as if I'm just going to wake up someday and realize it was all a dream. I'll wake up to Caleb pouring cold water on me, then chase him downstairs where you guys will be waiting and telling us to slow down before we get hurt, but laughing at us at the same time. But now I know that that isn't going to happen. You're gone now, and I'm not getting you back…." I trail off, desperately trying not to cry again. I manage to compose myself before I start talking again.
"I can't believe that I took for granted the life I had before my 15th birthday. Where things were simple, where nothing could change who I was. I wish I could go back in time and change things. Make things right. Make things better. Although, Caleb is probably yelling at me right now about how I can't do that," I tearily laugh. "Saying that it is scientifically impossible to go back through time, so unless I can invent a way, I need to quit thinking like that."
I take another deep breath, then continue onwards. "I miss you. I miss you so much. And it hurts. It hurts knowing you're gone. God, it hurts. But I've tried to move on. I'm trying to move on." Another deep breath. "So...let's move on to some good things now, shall we?" One more breath for composure. "Tori and I moved to Chicago. She got a job as an art and music teacher there. She loves it, and the students love her. Then again, who couldn't love Tori?"
I can almost hear my mother's laugh at that statement. I smile slightly, comforted by the closeness I feel with them right now. I should've done this a lot sooner.
"There's a lot of things I should fill you in on, so I guess I will just start at the beginning."
I can faintly hear Caleb sarcastically say in the back of my mind, "Off to a great start, Beatrice. You figured out you should start a story from the beginning. Congratulations!" I smile again.
"Actually, I do have some more bad news. I'm sorry. Of course, if there is an afterlife you probably already know...but Andrea passed away. From cancer. Andrea White. Justin came back from college to take care of Taylor and Makayla since their Dad seems to be in a sort of shock. But as far as I can see, they're managing."
I pause for a minute, just thinking.
"Well now that I got that over with, I should tell you that I've made some new friends. At first, I met this girl, Christina, who was very talkative and unafraid to say what was on her mind. I found her extremely annoying at first, but decided to give her a chance...we're best friends now," I say with a smile. "I made a lot of other friends too. They're all so nice to me and accepted me for who I was right away. They brought me in, the new girl who didn't talk to anybody, with open arms. And they were unafraid to do so. They're pretty amazing people."
I take a breath to fill up the air in my lungs. "Christina, Lynn, Marlene, and Shauna are the girls. Uriah, Zeke, Will, and Four, well, Tobias, are the boys." I laugh quietly. "Our group is basically just made up of the most popular couples in school, if you think about it. Zeke and Shauna are dating, Uriah and Marlene are dating, Will and Christina are dating, and Tobias and I are dating. Lynn is the only one who isn't dating anyone."
I can practically see my father's eyebrow raise, my mother's knowing smile, and Caleb's sudden protective stance.
"Yeah, and that's another thing I have to tell you." I smile before continuing. "Tobias and I only started dating a month ago, but it feels as if we've been together for forever. But in a good way. I never thought I'd be the type of girl to always have their boyfriend on their mind, constantly text, call, and hang out with them, or feel giddy when they were around. But I do it all, and I understand why other girls do as well now. He makes me so happy, guys. He makes me feel emotions that I didn't know you could feel. He makes me feel as if I'm one of the most brave, beautiful, and selfless girls on the planet, even though I know I'm not. He does things to me that I never thought possible, and he's helped me so much over the past couple of months. I find myself wanting to spend every possible minute with him that I can."
I find the words are coming right out of my mouth without me having to think about them now. I have so much to tell about Tobias that I have no trouble finding the words.
"He is honestly one of the best things that has ever happened to me. And when we fight, I want nothing more than to apologize and make up because being apart from him is painful; mentally, physically, and emotionally. He treats me so well, it's unbelievable. I still don't understand why a guy like him would ever choose me, but every time I bring it up, he brushes it off like I'm crazy. He says what I need to hear, listens when I need to talk, cheers me up when I'm down, makes me the happiest I've felt ever since you guys left, brings me out of any negative thoughts I have, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. The list could go on forever. He-he…."
I trail off for a moment, hesitating. Then I remember that I'm not speaking to my family in person, just to their stones, and realize I'm being silly. I can say anything I want.
"He said he loved me today." I take a moment to smile. "I know it's only been one month, I pointed that out, but this has been the best month of my life. I know if you guys were still here, you'd like him. He's selfless, smart, brave, encouraging, a great listener, handsome, and always knows exactly what to say. I still wonder how I got him pretty much everyday." A tear falls down my cheek at that thought. They'll never get to meet my first real boyfriend. They'll never get to meet the guy who says he loves me.
I swallow hard, trying to get rid of the lump in my throat. I take a few deep breaths. "I actually brought him with me. I know you'll never get to meet him in person, so this is the next best thing I can do."
I slowly turn my head to where Tobias is standing. He's watching me carefully, concern and worry etched into his face. I softly smile at him, indicating for him to come over. He does so fairly quickly. I take his hand and gently pull him down beside me.
"Guys, I want you to meet Tobias. The one I was talking about."
"It's nice to finally meet you, Mr. and Mrs, Prior. Caleb. I've heard a lot about you, believe it or not," Tobias softly says in return, taking me a bit by surprise. I wasn't exactly expecting him to talk to them like me, but now that I think about it, why wouldn't he? He knows they mean, or meant, a lot to me, so why wouldn't he try and 'impress' them, even if they are dead? I'm starting to think that he really would do anything for me if I wanted him to. I'm even more taken aback when he continues to talk.
"I know you don't know me, that you'll never really get to meet me, and that I'll never really get to meet you, but I have a feeling you'd want someone to take over your jobs. If you can hear us down here, I want to tell you that I can do that for you. I can promise that I will love and cherish your daughter, and sister, with everything I have. I do promise you that. Your daughter is the best thing that's ever happened to me."
My jaw is dropped at his easy-going demeanor. My boyfriend is talking to my dead family, as if they were here. Like I was. And he doesn't even act like it's any different. He acts as if they're alive and asking him what his intentions are with me. Which only stuns me more now that I think about it. His head turns to meet my eyes, and he chuckles and kisses my temple. He grabs my hand and squeezes it, but I can't seem to do anything, as I'm still immensely shocked at his words and demeanor. He turns back to the stones in front of him and continues talking.
"Ever since she walked into my life, it's not a struggle to get out of bed, and school doesn't suck so much anymore now that I know I get to see her everyday. I wake up everyday wondering how I got this amazing, brave, and beautiful girl to be in my life, let alone my girlfriend. I know for a fact that she doesn't believe me when I tell her these things, but it's the least I can do to try. She's obviously still a work in progress," he chuckles.
I shake my head in disbelief at him. How can he be so open and laid back doing this? I know I sure as hell wasn't as calm as he was talking to them, and it's my family for God's sakes!
"Listen, I don't have very much to go off of here. My father and mother never really got along, they were just good actors. I could hear them arguing every night before the beatings started to happen. When my mother passed away, the only person I had left was my father, and I can barely stand to even call him by name, let alone my father. All I know about loving someone is based off the love I was given. What I know is don't turn into Marcus, don't act like Marcus, don't talk like Marcus, don't love like Marcus, if he even did. But other than that, I have nothing. I'm not sure how to properly love someone. But I can promise you that I will sure as hell do my best. I just found the best thing that's happened to me since I met my best friend, Zeke, when I was 4. And I'm not about to let her slip through my fingers."
I'm looking down at the grass, silent tears dripping from my cheeks. What he's said moved me so much that it literally broke me down into tears. How on Earth does he see me as this perfect girl? I'm not perfect, not even close, yet he's still here, speaking every single word that a girl would want to hear.
"What I'm trying to say is that I love your daughter. I love her so much it hurts. I don't know exactly if it hit me all at once, or if it slowly crept up on me; all I know is that I love her with everything in me, everything I have, and more. I may never be able to love her as much as you did, but I'll try. I may never be the man she deserves, but as long as I have her, I'll try my hardest to keep her, no matter how selfish that sounds. And I guess if one day time separates us, I will have no choice but to let her go. But until that day comes, I'm keeping her right next to me, where she'll be in my life and my heart. Where I can keep her safe. Where she will always be mine."
I'm keeping a death grip on Tobias' hand now. How he finished not only made my tears worse, it made my body give huge, racking sobs. No one has ever talked about me like this before, and now that Tobias has, I don't doubt his love for me. It exciting, exhilarating, and scary all at the same time.
And of course, it's at that time that he decides to look at me. I can barely see his deep blue irises, as they're mostly just a blurry blob, but I can see something gentle, something special, in them. He smiles at me, leans forward, and kisses my forehead. He brings me into his arms a moment later. I let go of his hand and instead move my iron-grip to his back.
After a while, I loosen my hold on him and pullback so I can look at him. I take one hand off his back to wipe the remaining tears from my cheeks. I then move it to his cheek and skim my fingers along his jaw, lips, and cheekbone. I find myself studying him intensely, looking for something I haven't seen before. But I think that the only new thing I've found is the look in his eyes when he was 'talking' to my family.
"Did you know you have a small patch of freckles on the bridge of your nose?" Tobias whispers. I look up into his eyes. He must have been studying me too.
I barely have time to shake my head, because I really didn't know I had freckles, before his lips are on mine. I let my eyes flutter shut and slide the hand that was resting on his cheek into his hair. He keeps it gentle and slow, not that I'm complaining. The only thing I would like to complain about is the fact that he keeps it short; like one minute short. So when he pulls back, I open my eyes and let my bottom lip jut out in a pout. He half smiles and gives me a peck on the lips.
"We've gotta get going, Tris," he whispers.
I sigh and bite my lip. "Already?"
He nods. "I'm sorry. If I could control time, I'd be slowing it down right now."
I force a smile and nod. I slowly let my arms slide off from around him and turn to face the tombstones again. Tobias' hand creeps into mine, and I squeeze it tightly.
"I love you guys. And I know you wish as much as I do that you were here with me, but I know just as well as anyone else that that won't happen, so this will be as good as it gets. But I want you to know that I'm safe, and that I'm loved. I have people here to take care of me and love me like you guys. I have Tori, and Tobias, and Christina, and Uriah, and Zeke, and Will, and Lynn, and Marlene, and Shauna, and even Justin. I have people who care like you did. I just thought you should know that," I say in a slightly choked-up voice.
We sit here for a couple minutes, in front of the stones, with the flowers that Justin gave me in my hand. They're a bit crumpled, but otherwise still good as new. My hand starts to violently shake as I reach out to put them in front of the stones. Tobias let's go of my hand and instead covers the one with the flowers, helping steady it as I set it down. I watch for a few moments, then take a deep breath and start to stand up. Tobias follows and helps me the rest of the way up.
I stare at what's left of my family; three marble stones, a bouquet of flowers, and words. A tear silently slips down my cheek.
"I love you," I whisper.
I stare for a few more minutes before turning my head away. I don't want the silent tears to turn to being loud tears.
"Let's go. Please," I whisper to Tobias.
He squeezes my hand, and even though I told him that I was ready to go, my mind must think differently and my feet drag as he starts to lead me out. He stops a few feet in, and let's go of my hand. He turns to me and wipes the tears off my cheeks. He kisses me on my forehead, then turns around and squats down, indicating I should get on his back. I don't fight it; I slowly pick my feet up from the ground and wrap them around his waist. Once I get my arms around his neck, he stands and grabs a hold of my legs, holding me upwards. He starts walking towards the gate.
He walks, and he walks, and he walks. I'm telling him which way to go from time to time, when he asks.. I eventually lay my head on his shoulder and try to relax, which proves to not be very difficult since I'm in such close contact with him.
"Hey Tobias?" I whisper from my place on his shoulder.
"Yeah?"
I lightly kiss the side of his neck. "Thank you."
Heh...heh...heh…
Bet ya thought I was gonna go on further, didn't ya? Bet ya thought that I wouldn't leave you hanging like that...BUT I DID! MWA HA HA HA! I guess you'll just have to wait until next time to see what this 'letter' entails…*smirks*
On another note...OH MY GOSH WE REACHED 500 REVIEWS GUYS! (509 to be exact) THAT'S HALF A THOUSAND! LIKE, WOAH! WHAT THE HECK?! I NEVER THOUGHT I'D GET THAT FAR! THANK YOU SO MUCH! THIS MEANS A LOT TO ME!
So, I just want to tell you not to worry, because the next chapter WILL be about this 'letter'! Please don't have a heart/panic attack while you wait!;)
I'm so sorry I didn't get this chapter out earlier, by the way! School has been such a pain in the butt. Ughhhhhh. Thank you so much for your patience while you waited! It means a lot to know you're still supporting me! I will try to have the next chapter up fairly soon, but I can't promise anything at this moment in time!
Anyways, let's shoot for 515 reviews, 290 favorites, and 345 follows! I still can't believe that we hit 500 reviews! That's crazy! To know that there are that many of you out there reading and taking the time to write a message of support boggles my mind! Thank you again! I don't think I'll ever be able to say it enough!