'Come sleep with me: We won't make Love, Love will make us.' ― Julio Cortázar
…
Ashley Marin sighed softly when she walked into her living room, more than a little relieved to find her daughter just as she had left her. Not that she was in the condition to go anywhere, nor that she wanted. In fact, the redhead woman had the impression that Hanna was exactly where she wanted to be at the moment, judging by the lovesick grin that seemed to be permanently etched onto her lips these days, despite everything she was going through.
Sitting down on the armchair on the right side of the couch Ashley took a brief glance to the pair resting on the sofa, discretely enough that the objects of her curiosity were unaware but not so much that the teenage girls beside her didn't notice.
Hanna was sprawled on the sofa, sleeping blissfully with her head comfortably cushioned in Spencer's lap; the brunette was absentmindedly yet tenderly stroking her hair - her chocolate brown eyes distant and thoughtful. Ashley idly wondered what she was thinking about, even though she could easily guess. As a matter of fact, she thought she knew what the young girl was thinking about. On some level, at least, because they shared similar concerns over someone who was extremely precious to the both of them.
Hanna had been cleared to go home just the day before – much to everyone's joy and relief – but she felt still too weak and dizzy, and needed as much rest as possible to recuperate from her head injury. The doctors had been adamant on this, recommending to avoid any cause of distress and making a point about how much important was for her to have a serene convalescence. Especially given her peculiar 'condition'.
But ever since Hanna woke up with the conviction that Spencer was her girlfriend, she had all but clung onto the brunette for dear life, stubbornly refusing to let her out of sight, even if only for a few minutes.
It was almost endearing, how much needy and affectionate the blonde was acting. It reminded Ashley so much of the times when her daughter was still a little spoiled child, always begging for attention and for someone to coddle and fuss over her. Spencer was compliantly doing just that: coddling the blonde with a care and gentleness that the older woman found sincerely touching. The young brunette had been solid, watchful and warm; she had held Hanna's hand. She had guarded and supported her unconditionally and unwaveringly, despite her own fears and her own inner struggles. Spencer had been asked to be strong enough to hold on until Hanna would regain her memory, and since then she had done nothing but hold it together, for everyone's sake. In other words, and in all honesty, the youngest Hastings had been nothing short but wonderful in the last few days. But it was clear that this entire situation was taking a toll on her, and the older woman could understand why.
As a mother, she was moved by the love Spencer - and the other girls, too - had for her daughter, and beyond proud of Hanna for having made such great friends. That didn't prevent her to worry about her, though. It was her duty as a parent, after all.
"She looks so small and vulnerable…" Ashley's words suddenly hit the air, effectively breaking the silence that had enveloped the room up until then. She realized that she had voiced her thoughts out loud only when Spencer's head snapped and the girl turned to look at her cautiously.
"Yeah" the brunette nodded slightly. "It hurts, seeing her like this I mean. This is not the Hanna we all know and…"
"She's a force to be reckoned with, isn't she?" the redhead almost beamed at the thought of her usually lively, bubbly daughter.
"She's just so… bright. And warm, and beautiful" Spencer whispered contemplatively, lost in her own world made of awe and amazement for her blonde friend. "She's like a sun"
"Oh Spencer, that is such a nice thought" the woman smiled indulgently when a deep shade of red spread onto the brunette's pale cheeks.
Once again an uncomfortable silence descended upon them, and once again it was Ashley who broke it.
"I really appreciate it, you know, everything that you're doing for Hanna. You're taking such great care of her and I know it must be hard for you, playing along like this… But I wouldn't have asked you to roll with it if I didn't think that was the right thing to do, or that it wouldn't benefit Hanna in some way. I want you to know that"
"Mrs. Marin, I understand" Spencer reassured, letting out a troubled sigh. "Besides, there are very few things I wouldn't do for Hanna. I really care about her" she added as an afterthought.
"I can see that" Ashley smiled softly. Reality was, she had seen that a long time ago; certainly long before the two girls themselves did. "She's lucky to have you"
Spencer looked at her like a deer caught in the headlights and the older woman couldn't suppress a giggle at her expression, much to her embarrassment.
She simply couldn't understand, for the life of her, how two people could be that into each other and be that clueless about it. But then again, perhaps that wasn't really the matter here; perhaps they were just scared, and it was that fear that had blinded them to the obvious. They had been so insecure and so terrified of what they might lose that taking the risk for what they might gain was simply inconceivable. Or maybe they were both waiting for the other to do something. Whatever it was that had been holding them back, it was going to end soon. Of that she was sure.
"I know my daughter, and I trust your judgment. Be gentle with her, Spencer. God knows she's going to need that" Mrs. Marin said somewhat cryptically. Then she stood up and walked towards the kitchen, leaving a perplexed brunette and an oblivious sleeping blonde alone, all on their own.
Spencer stared at her retreating figure for a long time, her frown instantly morphing into an anxious smile when she felt, rather than heard, the girl resting on her lap beginning to stir. She glanced down and instantly found her favorite pair of ocean blue eyes already focused on her.
"Hi" Hanna smiled lazily up, stretching her limbs and trying to muffle a yawn.
"Hey there" the brunette greeted back in a throaty whisper.
"You okay?" Hanna murmured, her voice giving away her obvious concern as she studied Spencer's face closely.
Spencer took a deep breath, preparing herself to be alone with the blonde once more, and nodded slowly. "Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be?"
The injured girl shrugged and propped herself up against the taller girl's left side. She observed the way the girl's palms pressed into the rough material of the couch, and she could tell from the movement that Spencer was planning on getting up and moving away from her.
"Stay with me"
Spencer closed her eyes and drew another deep, fortifying breath. She wanted to stay there. Hell, she wanted to lie down beside Hanna, bury her face in the crook of the younger girl's neck, and hold her close; but she knew that such an action would not be appropriate given their current situation. She knew, that were Hanna in full possession of her faculties, that the blonde would never make such a request. She knew that the moment her real memories would come back, that she would regret even uttering those words. She would regret everything that had been happening in the past few days.
"Han" the blonde's name fell from her lips on a sigh, and she cringed at the want and the disappointment she could hear in her voice.
Hanna heard it too. So, ignoring the throbbing in her head, she sat up and reached out to gently turn Spencer's face so that the brunette was actually looking at her. She felt her heart seize in her chest at the pain she saw etched onto the older girl's face, and she winced at the uncertainty she saw clouding her soulful brown eyes.
"What's wrong, baby?" she asked as she slipped her hand from under Spencer's chin to cradle the brunette's face in her palm. "Hey, talk to me," she urged gently as she ran her thumb over Spencer's cheekbone soothingly.
Spencer closed her eyes as she reflexively relaxed into Hanna's touch. She had longed to feel that touch for so long that she was absolutely helpless to stop herself for responding to it – even though she could not allow herself to give in to it.
"Han, we can't" she sighed.
"Why?" Hanna asked softly, slightly hurt by her girlfriend's constant rejection. Whenever she tried to initiate a physical contact, the brunette would always, irremediably pull away from her. Hanna was tired of this, and this time she wasn't having none of that bullshit. She tightened her hold on Spencer's jaw as she leaned in closer, needing to feel the brunette's lips against her own. She didn't know where this hesitancy within her girlfriend had come from, but she was certain that a kiss would go a long way toward easing whatever it was that was bothering her.
"Spence" she murmured as she pulled the brunette closer.
Spencer sighed and she licked her lips as her gaze flicked down to Hanna's mouth. The blonde's lips were parted ever so slightly, and they looked absolutely delicious. A warm, familiar heat spread low in her belly as she watched Hanna's tongue slide out to wet her lips, and she whimpered pathetically as she felt the blonde's tender grasp on her jaw tighten ever so slightly, drawing her in closer. The small, incessant voice of reason inside her head grew quieter and quieter until, against her better judgment, she succumbed to her need to taste Hanna's lips, her eyes fluttering shut as she gave herself over to her desire.
Hanna moaned softly as she watched Spencer's eyes flutter closed and she let her owns do the same as she moved to close that final distance separating them. Anticipation built to a crescendo of racing heartbeats as breaths mingled between parted lips, and just when that final, finite yet seemingly insurmountable distance was to be closed, the obnoxious sound of a ringing phone broke the spell, and the magic was gone.
They opened their eyes and were thrown back into the harsh reality.
"Fuck" Spencer muttered angrily, not knowing if the irritation she felt rising up through her was because of the intrusion or because of her moment of weakness.
Hanna felt the brunette tense and instead of claiming the her lips, as was her original intent, she slipped her hand around Spencer's neck to hold her close as she rested the uninjured side of her forehead against the taller girl's.
"It's okay. Let it ring" she murmured, her voice soft and warm and soothing. "Spence" she sighed as she felt the other girl shake her head and slip away from her to take the call.
"Dammit" Hanna huffed as she watched her girlfriend bolting out of her house at a light speed.
…
Spencer hung up the phone after she finished her call with her mother and stuck it back into her pocket. She heaved a sigh and leaned her back against the against the rough wood of a porch pillar, slowly crouching down into a sitting position, with her knees pulled up under her chin and her arms clasped around her ankles.
The sun was settling below the horizon, and Spencer chuckled to herself as she remembered something her physics teacher once told her during one of his lessons: "Time is an illusion, sunsets doubly so."
'What a beautiful illusion, though.'
"Where's your head at?" Hanna asked, appearing all of a sudden right in front of her, a warm blanket in one hand, Spencer's coat and scarf in the other. "Gosh, it's freezing out there"
Up until then, the brunette hadn't realized just how cold she was.
"Thank you" Spencer said, taking the offered items and immediately putting them on.
Hanna sat down beside her, so close that she was practically invading her space, and draped the blanket over their bodies. She chanced a small glance her way before hesitantly resting her head onto Spencer's shoulder.
"So, what are you thinking about?" she asked in a small voice.
The brunette kept gazing straight ahead of her, completely lost in her own world of contemplation. She seemed to do that a lot, lately.
"There is a particular moment of the day that photographers call 'Blue hour'" Spencer's voice finally broke the silence. "It is a striking chromatic phenomenon that usually occurs when the sun is below the horizon, right before dawn or after sunset, in the twilight that precedes the darkness of the night" she explained.
"It is a magical moment during which everything is enveloped by a soft light and the landscape seems wrapped in a muffled atmosphere, suspended in an unreal dimension, and everything – everything - is tinged with different shades of blue" She turned her head and looked down at Hanna, right into her eyes, and they were so close that she whispered her next words directly into the blonde's ear. "It lasts only a few minutes, half an hour at most, but represents a spectacle of rare beauty"
And it really was. Even though, at that point, Spencer didn't know anymore if she was still talking about the Blue hour, or if she was referring to the girl that was currently nestled into her side.
The very same girl she was undeniably crushing on. Hard. And for quite some time, now.
She couldn't pinpoint the exact moment when she had started to feel attracted to one of her best friend; she didn't even know how or why it happened. One day Hanna had simply turned around, looked at her and smiled that beautiful smile of hers - the kind of smile that lit up her eyes and brought out her dimples - and within a second Spencer understood absolutely everything: from the strength of her feelings to her inability to ever confess them, or even admit their existence for that matter.
It had been a real, actual epiphany for her. And ever since then, Spencer had felt trapped into another dimension, one made of endless possibilities and scenarios. Much like some sort of twilight zone she didn't know how to escape from.
"You know, I really love how freakin' smart you are" Hanna said suddenly, her eyes shining with love and admiration and her lips stretched into a wide, enamored grin.
Spencer felt the butterflies in her stomach threatening to storm out all over again. She took a deep breath and swallowed them back down her throat, focusing all her attention on the blonde beside her. She wrapped an arm around the smaller girl's waist and pulled her impossibly closer. She reached out slowly with her other arm, twining her hand into Hanna's, her thumb stroking her knuckles back and forth.
It was in moments like this one that the brunette was at a loss for words; that she didn't have the slightest clue on how she should behave. That she was almost tempted to let loose of her self-imposed restrains and let herself believe.
It was her very personal Blue Hour, Spencer realized with a jolt. That elusive instant between dreams and awakening, crossed by a subtle melancholy and yet a harbinger of shining hope. A moment of transition and suspension, a moment in which everything has yet to start and because of that everything seemed possible; everything around her seemed motionless, oscillating between darkness and light, uncertain whether to fall back on itself or open up to a new day. It was a moment of waiting, a time bubble in which she found herself floating hesitantly, holding her breath.
It came back to her the memory of a rainy afternoon, so many years ago, when she was still a kid and Melissa made her watch an old movie - 'Four adventures of Reinette and Mirabelle', by Eric Rohmer - and she fell in love right away with both the movie and the protagonist, a voluble painter whom treasures silence so much she wakes her friend before dawn to hear 'the blue hour', which 'is not an hour but a second, not a sound but a brief silence between darkness and light, when the night birds stop singing and the day birds have not yet begun'.
"And here, silence falls. If one day there was the end of the world, it would be at that precise minute and you know why? Because it's the only time you feel that nature ceases to breathe and this ... it's scary" Spencer quoted that last in a hushed whisper, without even realizing it.
"Uh?" Hanna turned to look at her genuinely puzzled, because all she had heard was an incomprehensible mumble.
"Nothing" the other girl shook her head and smiled softly at her. "I was just thinking aloud"
"Is that a nerd thing?" the blonde asked rather seriously, her eyebrows knitted together to form an adorable frown.
"No, Han…" Spencer chuckled despite herself. Somehow, Hanna always managed to brighten her mood; she had just a way to make everything better. She decided to tell her just that. "You know, you never fail to make smile. Even when I feel that I don't have it in me to smile. And I don't think I've ever thanked you for that"
"You're most certainly welcome" Hanna replied, not missing a beat. "I love your smile, Spence. I love even more be the cause of it. But you know, if you really want to show me your gratitude maybe you could kiss me…" she tried to pose it as a joke; tried to mask the vulnerability in her voice. She didn't know if she could take another rejection.
"I wish…" Spencer muttered sardonically, before she caught sight of the blonde grinning at her like a Cheshire cat.
Hanna shook her head and reached out with a surprisingly quick hand, tangling her fingers into the soft hairs at the nape of Spencer's neck. "So just do it" she muttered as she pulled the brunette down to her level and claimed her lips with her own.
Spencer gasped in surprise at the feeling of the other girl's soft lips moving demandingly against her own, and her gasp turned into a low growl of pleasure as the blonde took advantage and thrust a hungry, seeking tongue inside her mouth. Mental and physical exhaustion combined with the heavenly feeling of Hanna's lips upon hers and the intoxicating taste of the her tongue had her responding to the kiss rather than pulling away. She reached out and tangled her hands in Hanna's hair, pulling the blonde closer as she tilted her head to the side, opening her mouth wider. Their tongues danced and dueled with each other in a barely restrained hunger, and she moaned as Hanna's hands began to wander up and down her sides.
She was lost to the feeling of Hanna's hands upon her skin and the taste of the blonde upon her tongue, and she was only brought back to realty by the electric pulse that shot through her when Hanna moved her mouth to nibble at her earlobe.
"God" she pulled away with a gasp.
Hanna smiled, looking every bit like the cat that caught the canary, as she abruptly stood up and reached out with her hand to Spencer. "Well, I suppose that was worth the wait" she murmured, her voice soft and wistful as a playful smile stretched across her lips.
Spencer, however, was still out of it. Her mind and body were both wide wide-awake, on full alert tingling with electricity from the brief, stolen kiss.
Because this was exactly what Spencer wanted, what she yearned so badly, but she had been too blind or too scared or whatever to admit it. And now it was happening, and it could be real or it could be an illusion, and ephemeral moment, and what was she supposed to do now?
"What am I supposed to do with you, Hanna Marin?" she groaned as she took the offered hand and allowed the blonde to pull her up. "Don't" she warned when she saw the blonde's smirk.
"You're a genius. I'm sure you will figure it out eventually" Hanna ignored the glare thrown her way and winked mischievously at the brunette.
And right then Spencer knew, just from that one kiss, that one stolen moment of having Hanna's hands upon her body, that she was ruined. Nobody had ever made her feel so much and she knew, somehow fucking knew, that nobody ever would. She made her way back into the house hand in hand with her apparently 'girlfriend' and shook her head sadly. 'You are so screwed, Hastings. So well and truly screwed', she mentally chastised herself. 'I should've stopped her. But damn, that girl can kiss'
"And if not, I'll give you a hint: you. Me. Bed. Now"
"W-Wha-what?" the brunette shrieked.
Hanna scoffed. "Geez, calm your tits Spence, would you? I'm just feeling very drowsy and I want to fall asleep in your arms" she clarified.
"Oh"
"Yeah"
"Sorry"
"S'okay" Hanna stifled a yawn "One would think I'm the one with the mind constantly in the gutter, though"
They both chuckled awkwardly at this.
"So? Will you stay with me until I fall asleep?" the blonde asked in a small voice. They were already at the door of Hanna's bedroom.
"There's nowhere else I'd rather be" Spencer replied honestly as she climbed onto the bed, Hanna following suit. The smaller girl's wasted no time to snuggle up to her, resting her head onto the brunette's chest and sighing contently. Spencer's arms automatically found their place around the blonde's waist, holding her close.
She closed her eyes for a second, but when she opened them again she found herself surrounded by darkness. Hanna was still nestled safely into her embrace, resting as peacefully as ever.
The pale moonlight filtered through the glass of the window, lending a soft glow to her face.
Spencer moved a strand of blonde hair that had fallen all over her face behind her ear, her thumb caressing softly the creamy skin of her cheek. She would have loved to stay awake and watch this beautiful creature sleeping; watching the rise and fall of her chest while breathing. She wanted to savor this moment of blissfulness, engrave it forever in her memory. But then sleep claimed her too, and she surrendered with a sweet smile. She finally understood that she didn't need to memorize this moment, because she was part of it.
Before drifting off, her last conscious thoughts went to Hanna and the magic of the blue hour, that brief period during which everything became possible.