Learning To Let Them In

by aubreylovesthegames

Tris is broken. She is alive, but she isn't living. One day took everyone from her. She and her guardian, Tori, decide to move to Chicago for a fresh start. Tris pushes away everyone she meets, not wanting any 'friends', but that becomes a little difficult when the boy next door, Four, slowly starts to break her walls down, piece by piece. What will happen? Will Tris let them in?

35. Chapter 35

Thank you so much for your support everybody! It means a lot! :D

So let's jump right in!

Disclaimer: I don't own the Divergent series because...well...unless I somehow am given enough money to buy it, then I don't. Which won't happen.:/

Earlier…

"It's a phone number," I whisper, looking at the eleven digits of Tobias' phone number. "Oh my God. It's a phone number."

I snap out of my trance and wait for it to ring out. When it does, I quickly unlock it and start dialing the numbers written on the back of my hand. I shakily press the green call button, and hold it up to my ear. It rings four times, and I start to think that maybe I was wrong, maybe it's not a phone number at all, when the ringing stops and the person on the other line picks up.

"Hello?"

I feel my face pale. It takes everything in me to get the next word out.

"Caleb?"

---

Tris' POV

Chapter 35

I feel tears streaming down my cheeks.

"Beatrice?!"

"Oh my God, is that you, Caleb?!"

"It's me! It's me! Oh my God, it's you!"

I can hear him crying on the other end of the receiver, something that is - was - no - is really rare for him.

"I-I don't understand..." I manage to get out.

"I know - I know you don't. I'll explain everything in a bit. But for now I just want to hear your voice. I never thought I'd hear it again," he replies, choked up.

"You thought you'd never hear my voice again?! What about me?! What do you think I thought?!" I nearly yell, feeling a bit of anger rush in.

"I know, and I'm sorry-"

"Wait-how do I know this is really you and not some computer generated crap? Or someone that just sounds like you?" I say, already doubting this.

"Ask me a question that only the real Caleb would know. I promise I can prove it to you. I have papers, if that's what you want. I have all the documents and identity papers."

I pause for a moment. Now that the initial shock is partially over, more doubt is creeping into my veins. "How did you get my attention that day when I told you what Eric did to me?"

"I cursed," he says immediately.

I think of another. "What were the three clues you gave me in order to call you?"

"Astern. Three dashes. Dial."

I pause again, trying to think of another one.

"Beatrice, I swear it's me! Please believe me! I'll explain everything!"

"It can't be you," I whisper.

"It is me! I promise you!" He sounds like he's nearly in tears again. "I lost you for two years; please don't leave again!"

"It can't be you! I saw you! You were dead!" My voice cracks. "Your heart wasn't beating!"

"I can explain that, Beatrice! But first you have to believe me!"

"I spent the last two years believing - knowing that you were dead! I had dreams that my reality was a dream! Dreams where you, and Mom, and Dad were all alive! Then I would always wake up to find the same thing: it wasn't real! You were dead! You were never coming back! I finally started to move on, and then in a blink of an eye, somehow, I'm speaking to my brother again! Who is supposed to be dead!"

"I know! I'm sorry! Please believe me! I don't have a long time to explain, so please at least give me a chance to do it!" He's crying now.

I feel tears of my own streaming down my face as I think. Then eventually, I come to a conclusion.

"Okay. Go."

He sighs in relief. "I'll start from the beginning. That letter I wrote you - you read it, right?"

"Yes, of course I did," I reply while wiping my cheeks.

"Then you know I was writing that before we left for the aquarium on your 15th birthday. And you know I was going to leave under the protection of the Witness Protection Program."

"Yes," I sniffle out.

"I put the envelope with its contents under my desk in a secret drawer. I had no idea the wreck would happen. And it's true, you were right. I was dead. My heart did stop beating. But only for a little bit. Little do you know I saw you right before they sedated you. We both went to the same hospital, but I went to an extremely private ward. I healed up as much as I could in four days, then the WPP told me that the wreck was not an accident."

I frown and squint through the tears. "The wreck wasn't an accident?"

He takes a deep, shaky breath. "No. It wasn't. I don't think I have to explain that topic anymore, do I?"

I let out a sob, not believing what I'm hearing.

"No. I didn't think so. They gave me two choices. One was to stay there with you and Tori because of the unexpected deaths of Mom and Dad. They said that would be really risky, as they already killed half of the people in my family. The other choice was to stage my death, address the car wreck as a drunk driving accident, and leave right then and there without telling anybody. Not even you. I chose the second one, as you probably already know. I'd rather have you think I'm dead and live without me than live with me and constantly have both of us be worried about whether you will get hurt or not."

I'm crying hard now. I put the phone on speakerphone and set it on the dashboard in front of me. It's just a listening game now.

"When I was being led out of the hospital to go pack my things, they told me you'd woken up. I sat outside your door the whole time they told you your whole family was dead. I sat there and listened to yours and Tori's cries, and it absolutely ripped me apart. That's when I knew I couldn't leave you alone forever. So when I went home, I quickly scrawled out my new phone number backwards and left a couple clues along with it. I couldn't give you the exact number in case it fell into the wrong hands. I stuffed that into the envelope with the letter and sealed it. I gave it to Andrea White. I knew she was the only one I could really trust not to tell anyone. I knew she would understand.

I gave her the instructions to help deliver it to you when the time was right."

"An-Andrea?" I choke out.

"Yes, Andrea. Justin and Taylor's mom?" he asks as if I don't already know.

"Caleb...she's dead. Andrea passed away about a month ago."

There's silence on the other end for a moment. "Why?"

"Cancer."

Silence. "Then who gave you the letter?"

"Justin. But he said he got it in the mail yesterday morning, so the real question is, who had it after Andrea passed away?"

He's incredibly silent, then he shakily says, "I trust her. She would've given it to someone who was responsible, knew us well enough to understand our situation, and wouldn't tell."

"I trusted her, too," I say.

He takes a deep breath. "Well, how are the Whites' handling it?"

"Justin is keeping his mind off it. He's taking care of Taylor and Makayla. Taylor is a bit depressed, and Makayla's too young to quite understand what's happening."

"Wait-Justin is taking care of them?"

"Caleb, this is a story for another time. Please, keep explaining this to me," I desperately say.

"Right." He clears his throat, trying to compose himself. I wipe the continuous stream of tears onto the back of my hand as he continues. "Anyways...I left right after I made that trip to the Whites' home. The WPP told me they would keep me updated on how you and Tori were as much as possible, and how you were handling it." He falls silent again.

"Then what?" I ask.

"That's it. I got to where I was supposed to live for the next however many years it took to catch the people behind what I saw."

I wipe my cheeks again.

"You tried to commit suicide?" I hear him quietly ask.

I choke and sputter on my own spit. "W-what? Who...when…"

"The WPP," he says as if that explains everything.

I take a few moments to compose myself. "Yes. But I would never try it again, so you can let it go."

"God, Beatrice." I hear the desperation in his voice. "What if you had succeeded? I may as well have committed suicide too! I wouldn't have been able to live without you knowing I was a partial cause of that!"

"Listen to yourself, Caleb! Put yourself in my shoes! After you supposedly died, I had no friends left! I had no family left! You have no idea how many I times I prayed asking for you! That if only one person from my family could come back to life, let it be Caleb! I thought you were dead! No, I knew you were dead! We had the death certificates to prove it! I had my memory! It still haunts me close to every night!"

I hear him exhale, defeated. "Let's just be glad that Tori stopped you in time and leave it at that, okay?"

I nod and choke back another sob. "Okay."

"Listen, I'm running out of time here. You called at the perfect time."

"Caleb, what do you mean you're running out of time?!" I panic.

"I only have a certain amount of time on the phone with you. But I have some news."

I sniffle and say, "Tell me then."

"They caught the gang behind what I witnessed."

I'm stunned into silence for a couple moments. "What...what does that mean?"

"It means I can come home."

A sob escapes me. "You're messing with me. This can't be happening. Not for real."

"It is happening. I promise you, this is not a dream. This is really happening."

I cover my mouth and let out a couple more cries. "When?"

"I'm not too totally sure, but I think sometime within the next week."

"What?!" I can't help but exclaim.

"Listen, I know this is a lot to dump on you in a little amount of time, and I'm sorry. And I know it'll take awhile to get this wrapped around your head, but I am coming to live with you and Tori. I promise. It's all clear. I'm safe. You're safe. We can see each other again."

I shake my head in disbelief. "This can't be happening. This isn't real."

"I promise you, it is. All I need to know is the exact address you're living at now. The WPP told me you moved, but never told me where."

"I-I can't even...I don't…." I'm in a state of shock right now. An hour ago-not even quite an hour- I was sobbing my eyes out over what I thought was the last piece of my brother. Now I'm talking to him and could quite possibly be seeing him in person in a week.

"I know you're in shock right now, Beatrice. I would be too. But you need to give me the address."

I blink a few times. "1664 Diversey Avenue, Chicago, Illinois," I say from memory.

"You moved to Chicago?"

"Yes. Where'd you go to? Can you tell me?"

"Technically, you're the only one I can tell since you're the only immediate family I have left. I'm in Brisbane."

I frown. "Brisbane? As in Brisbane, Australia?"

"Yes, exactly."

I let out a low whistle. "That's a little ways away. They really take that stuff seriously."

"Of course they do. They have to." Voices come from around Caleb and silence fills the line for a few seconds. Then he comes back on. "Okay, listen Beatrice, you cannot tell anyone this information or mention my whereabouts."

"What about Tori?"

"I will let you know when you're allowed to tell her. But for now, the WPP is still keeping this under lock and key surveillance. You legally may not tell anyone what you know. Not even about my letter - it would be too easy to figure out."

"Okay…." I say, then pause. "You will call me again, won't you?"

"I can't promise anything, but I will try. I can text you when I'm free that way you can move to a safe place before you call. But don't count on it."

I exhale and shake my head again. "Tell me again why this isn't a dream."

Caleb lightly laughs and says, "I know how you're feeling. I feel the same way."

I repeatedly shake my head to myself. "I can't believe this is happening."

I hear voices in the background again, silence, then Caleb comes back on.

"Listen, I've gotta go. But I will see and talk to you, hopefully, very soon. And hopefully by then we will both be able to reassure ourselves that this is happening. I love you so much, Beatrice Edith Prior. So much."

I feel tears start to run down my cheeks again. "I love you too, Caleb James Prior. So much. Oh, and, happy birthday!" I try to say as enthusiastically as possible.

Voices again. "Thank you, Beatrice. But I have to go. Goodbye, I love you!"

The line goes dead before I get the chance to respond.

"I love you too," I whisper.

Is this actually happening? Is this my reality right now? It feels like it. But it seems impossible that something that awful would have happened to Caleb or that they could solve that so quickly.

I shakily set my phone down beside me and start the car up completely. I start to drive away and make it halfway to the hotel when bubbles of anger, grief, and fear hit me all at once. I let out a scream of frustration, praying that if this is a dream I will wake up. Like, right now. Because if it is a dream, and I let it go on long enough to see Caleb, I'm going to go crazy. Mentally, emotionally. I'm constantly going to be on edge like I am now, falsely believing my whole life is a lie. But if this somehow isn't a dream, I pray that Caleb will come home. Safe. And I pray that he'll be just as happy about what I've done in my life as I am. Well, happy about the parts that I should be happy about, anyways.

Tears slip down my cheeks and I hurriedly wipe them away and try to compose myself.

The wreck wasn't an accident.

The wreck wasn't an accident.

The wreck wasn't an accident.

I let out another scream as the words replay in my head. To know that two years ago, Caleb was sitting right outside my hospital room listening as they told me that my family was gone….to know that he was so close to me when I thought he was the farthest he could get...I can't comprehend it. I can't even begin to wrap my head around it.

---

Before I know it, 20 minutes have passed and I'm somehow in the parking lot in front of the hotel. I stare out the windshield, still thinking. My vision gets blurrier as the minutes pass by and I know tears are working their way out. I let them fall. I'm not sure whether they're the works of fear, anger, guilt, shock, happiness, or sadness. Or maybe they're the works of all of them. I'm not sure anymore.

I let them fall for a couple minutes more, then wipe them off and push the heels of my hands into my eyes so I can get the tears to (hopefully) retract.

Caleb is coming home, Tris. He's coming home. Focus on that. Not on anything else. Just that.

I take my hands off and take a deep breath in. I exhale slowly.

Now I have something else to worry about. Like how I'm going to explain this to Tobias and Tori. They're most likely going to be up.

I take another breath and shakily get out of the car. I grab the letter, the slip of paper that goes with it, my phone, and both sets of keys and shut the car door. I stash the letter and paper into a hidden pocket inside of my jacket and put the keys and phone in my outer pocket. I close my eyes.

You can do this. You've lied already, it's not like you can do anymore damage...right?

I take a shaky breath and make my way towards the door. I mentally prepare myself as I open the door. I release the breath I was holding as I'm not attacked right away. I look to my left and see the backs of Tori and Tobias. I let the door close silently behind me and quietly walk a little bit towards them. I hear them quietly exchanging words and stop to listen.

"She'll be back, Four. Stop worrying."

"I mean no offense Tori, but when you tell me to stop worrying it only makes me worry more."

I hear her sigh. "If you keep staring at that phone like you are, I'm afraid your eyes are going to dry up completely. At least blink."

Ignoring her, he says, "Why didn't she just tell me where she was going? Why doesn't she trust me?"

I hear the shake in his voice and my stomach drops.

"I do trust you, Tobias. I do," I want to say, but I can't form the words.

Tori sighs again and takes a sip of what I'm guessing is coffee. "What you need to understand about her, Four, is that she gets confused sometimes. She trusts you, she does. I can see it in her eyes when she talks about you that she trusts you with her whole heart."

"She talks about me?" he asks.

My cheeks redden. Thank you Tori for divulging that information.

"Yes. She does. She came and saw me today before she...left...and told me about you guys. I could see in her eyes that she trusted you and cared about you, but that she was also confused. She spends so much time in her head that sometimes she doesn't know what feelings are right or wrong, real or not real. Her head and heart are at two different places. She's complicated and difficult to understand, I know that, and she often times feels like she is still alone, or needs to be alone. These past two years have been so rough for her, as I'm sure she's told you already, so for her to find something or someone who makes her feel this happy scares her. So sometimes she pulls back without any warning, or lashes out when you didn't do anything wrong. She goes back and forth and back and forth. But what I need you to know, what she needs you to know, but will never dig up the words to tell you, is that she doesn't mean it when she does those things. She needs you, more than anything else. She'll always need you."

It falls silent and my stomach keeps twisting and turning as I realize what she said is true. I just wish I had realized this earlier.

"I just wish she showed me she trusted me because I'm still not sure what to think sometimes," is his reply.

"I know," she says quietly. "Me too."

My stomach drops again in guilt and I know he's right; I should have told him. But now I'm glad I didn't. What would I have said? What will I say? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. My head spins and I take a deep breath and release it silently several times, trying to get a hold of myself.

I consider just going straight up to our room and gathering my thoughts there, alone, but then I realize that's probably not the best idea.

"I'm worried. It's been almost three hours. Where is she, Tori?" Tobias asks almost painfully.

She doesn't answer. I suppose there's nothing for her to answer to. But that's finally a question that I can answer.

"Behind you," I quietly say.

Both of their heads whip around and within two seconds Tori is up and off the couch, squeezing me. I so badly want to scream out, "Caleb is alive! He's coming back home! He's alive!" but I know I can't, so I don't. I just wish I could tell someone this information to release the pressure from my chest.

She releases me and I take a second to look over her shoulder at Tobias. He's standing up; his posture looks relieved, but when I look into his eyes I see confusion, anger, suspicion, and worry. It makes my stomach drop even more.

"Where were you?! I was so worried!" Tori nearly yells, forcing me to look back at her again.

"I'm sorry, I-" I start, but she cuts me off.

"You know what? I don't want to know. As long as you're okay, I'm okay. I know you wouldn't have done something like this without good reason. So give me back the keys, promise me you won't do it again, and you don't have to tell me."

I sigh and reach into my pocket to grab the keys. I give them to her. She immediately pockets them.

"You're okay?"

I nod, half listening, half thinking.

"Bea. Look at me."

I do so. Her eyes are soft.

"You are okay, right?"

I nod again, more forcefully this time. "I'm okay."

She sighs and brings me into another short hug.

"Get some rest, figure out your head. If you need to talk, you know where to find me."

I nod again, still only half listening. She kisses the top of my head motherly-like. "I love you sweetie."

It wasn't an accident.

"I love you too, Tori."

She squeezes my arms once before letting go. She smiles once at me, then turns and walks toward the elevator. I watch her until she disappears around the corner. I feel anxiety set in at the thought of being alone with Tobias - not because I'm afraid of him, but because I know my actions will have consequences, and I'm afraid to see what I screwed up.

I continue to stare at the corner Tori disappeared behind, debating whether or not I should run to the elevators too and avoid this conversation. But I know that isn't the best idea. This conversation will happen sometime - it's inevitable. I may as well get it over with now.

"Tris?" Tobias finally says in a quiet, subdued voice. Great. He only gets this quiet when he's steaming. But then again, what did I expect? I heard him talking to Tori; I know he's mad.

I flick my eyes over and meet his.

"Can we go outside for a minute?"

In other words, he knows he might explode and doesn't want to be kicked out of the hotel for it.

I nod, even though I'd much rather be doing anything else at the moment; drinking bleach sounds better than this conversation, to be honest.

I hug my jacket tighter around myself as I follow him out the doors. He leads me to the back of the hotel into a secluded alleyway. I stay as close as I think is considered appropriate at this moment. I won't lie - alleys kind of give me the creeps.

He stops and turns around to face me. "Okay. First things first…"

He takes a few steps towards me and gathers me into his arms. One hand goes around my lower back while the other cradles the back of my head and presses it into his chest. I rest my head on his shoulder and wrap my arms around his middle.

"I'm glad you're okay," he says, and kisses the hair on top of my head.

I take a deep breath, inhaling his scent. I wait a few minutes before saying, "And why wouldn't I be okay?"

He drops his arms from around me; I follow a moment later.

"Oh, I don't know, maybe because you disappeared in the middle of the night and didn't even have the decency to answer your phone?"

Oh boy, Tris. Don't say it. Don't be stubborn. Don't say it, don't say it, don't sa-

"I can take care of myself, Four! I knew what I was doing!"

His eyes instantly harden. I want to bang my head into the brick wall next to me.

"Yeah, you obviously knew what you were doing! You developed a pretty solid plan full of manipulative lies in order to do whatever you were planning to do!"

I stay silent. What am I supposed to say to that?

He rolls his eyes at my silence and runs his fingers through his hair. "Tell me, since when did you know you were going to do this?! Huh?!"

I wince. "Look, Four, I've only known since right before we went to the cemetery-"

"You think that gives you an excuse, Tris?!" He pauses for a minute. "Justin told you to do it, didn't he? That's what you two were talking about after I went out the door!"

I fall silent, shocked for a moment. Then I snap back into it. "He didn't tell me to do anything! He gave me a choice! He-"

"Oh, he gave you a choice, did he? Well that makes me feel so much better! He gave you a choice!"

I shake my head at him. "What are you talking about, Four?! What are you so upset about?!"

He exhales in disbelief and rolls his eyes again. "Oh, I don't know, maybe the fact that you chose him over your own damn boyfriend!"

I close my eyes and shake my head again, trying to figure him out. "Chose him over you…" My eyes snap open. "Justin is just a friend, Four! I didn't choose anybody over anybody!"

He snorts. "Took you long enough," he mumbles. I'm not sure if I was supposed to hear that. "Just a friend, huh? So 'just friends' sneak out in the middle of the night, drive to another town to see them, and don't tell anybody about what they're doing just to see each other?"

My jaw drops open. "You're joking, right?! Is that what you think I was doing?!"

He scoffs. "Well I sure don't see you denying it."

My eyes fill with tears, but I try to blink them away. "It wasn't like that, Tobia-"

"Then what was it like, Tris?!" He looks so angry, so confused; a tear drops against my will.

"He had to give me something - something important. That's why I left. Not because I was going to see Justin, but to get the thing," I say to try and start explaining.

"And what was this thing, huh? What was so important that you had to leave in the middle of the night in secret to go get?"

I open my mouth to tell him. I want to tell him. But Caleb's voice rings through my head.

"You legally may not tell anyone what you know. Not even about my letter - it would be too easy to figure out."

"He had to give me a letter." There. That's what I can tell him. But I can't tell him anything more than that without breaking the rules; well, actually, I can't tell him more without breaking the law.

"And who was this letter from?"

"I-I can't tell you," I quietly say.

His eyes narrow. "You can't or you won't?"

"I can't!" I exclaim with a few more tears dripping down my cheeks. I don't bother wiping them off.

"Well, does Justin know what it is? Who it's from?"

I stare at him in disbelief. "Why do you keep dragging Justin back into this conversation?! He has nothing to do with this!"

"Just answer my question, Tris!" he yells.

I take a shaky breath. "Yes, he does, but he doesn't know anything else."

"So he knows who it's from? He knows what you refuse to tell me?"

"I'm not refusing to tell you! I can't! He only knows who it's from because he was the one who had it in the first place!"

He scoffs again. "Somehow, I don't believe you."

I shake my head at him as the tears keep rolling. "Justin is only a friend. He has always just been a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. I only want you. You've got to believe me," I cry.

"How am I supposed to believe you when all you've done lately is lie to me?!"

I swallow back a sob. "I'm sorry, okay? You have no idea how sorry I am. I know I should've told you; I know that. But it's good I didn't."

His mouth forms a straight line. "So you're saying that you're happy you lied to me?"

Great choice of wording, Tris. "No! That's not what I'm saying! I'm saying that it's good I didn't tell you because then you would've insisted to come with me! If you came with me then you would have known, and nobody else is supposed to know!"

"Supposed to know what? What am I not supposed to know?!"

I cover my mouth and let out a couple sobs. "I can't tell you."

He rolls his eyes and angrily runs his fingers through his hair again. "Of course you can't. Why would you be able to?"

"No, you don't understa-"

"Then help me, Tris! Help me understand!"

I take another shaky breath. "Please believe me when I say this, okay? Promise that you'll believe me?"

He stares at me. "I don't think I can promise you anything about your honesty at this moment."

I close my eyes as the sting of his blow hits me. I keep them closed as I say, "I legally cannot tell you, or anyone else, what I know. At least, not for another week or so." I want to punch myself for the last comment. Why did I have to add that on?

I open my eyes after a few moments of silence. His are wide, full of both confusion and disbelief.

"So…..let me get this straight," he finally says. "You can't tell me what you disappeared in the middle of the night for because it's illegal?"

I nod slowly. His jaw clenches.

"What the hell did you get yourself into, Tris?" His voice is still angry and confused, but more gentle than before.

"I...I don't exactly know," I honestly say. I don't know what I'm getting myself into. I don't know what's going to happen. I have no idea. I don't have a slightest clue about any of this.

He's silent for a couple minutes. "So does Justin know about this?"

I let out a frustrated breath of air. "Why do you keep bringing him back into this?! He has nothing to do with it, okay?! He is just a friend! Nothing else! And, no! He doesn't know about any of this! He stayed there long enough to give me the letter and that's it! I may be a lot of things Four, but I am not a cheater; I may be a liar, and a stubborn brat, and a selfish little girl, but I am not a cheater! I'm not asking for a lot here, Four! I'm only asking you to trust me on this! To trust that I'm telling you the truth about this! What about that is so hard?!"

His eyes harden. "You want me to trust you. To trust you about the one thing that bothers me the most. To trust someone who constantly lies to me in order to get her way. To trust someone who randomly disappears only to come back and act as if nothing happened."

I swallow hard and try to keep the tears at bay as he takes a few steps towards me. He grabs my arms tightly. The grip isn't tight enough to hurt me, but tight enough to let me know that it's his turn to talk and my turn to listen. He speaks in a hostile tone that I've only ever heard him use once, and that was when he was talking about Marcus.

"I don't think I can do that anymore. I don't think I can just keep pretending that everything is okay and I'm not bothered by the fact that you think it's fine to lie to me and disappear without telling anyone where you're going. I don't think I can keep doing that. So listen here - I'm bothered that you lie to me. I'm bothered that you keep brushing important topics off as if they aren't a big deal. I'm bothered that you think it's okay to treat me as if I'm nothing more than just another person in your life. I'm bothered that you won't come to me if something emotionally, mentally, or physically happens to you and instead, try to cover it up. I'm bothered that you drag people into things they don't want to do."

Tears fall from my face as he talks. As I stare into his eyes, I know that I messed up big this time. I've gotten away with other white lies before, but I know that this one can't be fixed with just an 'I'm sorry' or an 'I won't do it again. I promise.' It's something that made a huge, unrepairable hole. And this time, I'm afraid it can't be fixed at all.

His voice goes softer. "I'm not saying that I don't care about you, because you know I do, and I always will. But right now I'm so angry, and so confused, and so...frustrated by the fact that you played everyone into your little plan. I honestly don't know if anything you've just told me is the truth." He pauses for a moment. "Do you want to know why I keep bringing Justin back up?"

He falls silent for a moment, and I realize that he's waiting for me to reply. He's waiting for a signal that I'm still listening. I nod and wait for the next blow.

"Because I'm afraid."

I frown and try to see through my tears.

"I'm afraid that you'll see more in him than you ever will me, and you'll leave me."

I shake my head and start to say something, but he cuts me off.

"Maybe I wouldn't be so afraid if I knew you were honest with me all the time, or maybe even if you were just honest with me when it mattered the most. But you aren't, and you continue to lie to me even when I ask if you're telling the truth. You have no idea how much that hurts, Tris. And I doubt you even thought about how it would affect everyone else when you just left like that. Did you?"

More tears stream down my face as I realize he's right. I only thought about how guilty I felt, how sick I felt, how remorseful I felt- never about him or Tori.

There will be no fixing this.

"That's what I thought."

I can't fix this.

He takes a deep breath. "I'll give you three choices. One: you tell me everything that happened tonight, including what you and Justin talked about, what that letter said, and what you know."

More tears stream down. Choice number 1 is out of the question; I can't do that.

"Two: you choose: me, or Justin."

I choke back a sob. I can't do that. I can't, I can't, I can't. I can't drop someone who's stayed by my side throughout my entire childhood out of my life like that. Especially after his mother just passed away and he's going through a rough time. Why can't Tobias understand that?

"Or three-"

I can tell by the way a few hidden tears creep up into his eyes that this one is the hardest for him to say. This option is out of the question as well.

"You let what we have go to waste, and you walk out of this relationship right here, right now."

My stomach drops. I know I should take the easy one - or at least, the one that seems easiest to him. But I can't.

My stomach twists and turns more and more as the silence drags on. He's staring at me, waiting for an answer.

I let out a sob and put my hands up to cradle his face. I cry again as I say, "I can't. I can't tell you what I know; I'm under law not to tell. I can't choose between my boyfriend and one of my best friends, especially when he's going through part of what I went through. And I can't let you go. I can't. I won't. I need you."

His eyes look like a barrier for his emotions came over them. They're so hard I barely recognize them. He lets go of my arms and takes a step back. I reach for his hand.

"Tobias, please-"

He swats my hand away. "No. You don't have the right to call me that right now."

I withdraw my hand, shocked and hurt even more. "Four, I've done what I can to explain this to y-"

"Have you, Tris? Have you really?"

For a few minutes, it's silent - well, except for my cries of course.

"Tobias…." I whisper barely audible.

"No, Tris! Stop! Just stop!" He runs his fingers through his hair again. "I-I can't deal with this right now. I'm going back up. Feel free to join whenever, but don't keep trying to make things right. You'll only make it worse."

He stares at me for a second more.

"Oh, and by the way, I take back what I said before about you being able to fit into Candor; I was obviously wrong," is the last thing he says before turning and walking back the way we came. I don't try to stop him; like he said, I would only make things worse.

There you go. Look what you did, Tris. I guess you deserve it, don't you? You're the one who made the mess. You should know that not all messes can be cleaned up.

I fall to my knees, sobbing. They come full force with no sign of stopping any time soon. I can't handle this. Not tonight. I already felt like my head would explode from the emotional roller coaster my body took me on after talking to Caleb, my brother who is alive, but now...I just want to crawl into a small space somewhere and stay there until either someone forces me out or I no longer feel anything. I want to be numb. I can't handle this.

Maybe I should be ecstatic because of my recent findings, but I find that I can't even emit the slightest sense of happiness. All I can think about is Tobias and how I did unfixable things to our relationship. Even if we were to eventually patch this up, which right now seems unlikely, that's all it will ever be: a patch. An uneven, scraggly patch that will never quite cover up the hole completely. It'll be a weak spot - a spot so delicate and fragile that it could be ripped off at just the slightest pull. And it's all because of me.

It's killing me not to be able to explain myself. The right to express my thoughts was one I never really appreciated all that much because, well, let's face it: I was mute for a year and a half, and I've never had much joy talking about my thoughts anyways. All the way up until now, I took that right completely for granted. I regret that. I never knew how much it would hurt both me and others to have that right ripped away from me.

I cry and cry and cry. I cry for what seems like hours. And what do I know? It very well could be hours.

Caleb is alive. Try to focus on that. He's coming home in a week. That's when you can tell Tobias everything, and maybe, just maybe, we can start on that patch. Focus on that. One week. You can do this for one week. You can. Just push through.

I start gasping for air between my sobs to try and calm myself down. After a few more minutes of blubbering and gasping, I finally have my breathing mostly under control. My face feels sticky and I reach up to wipe off the remaining tears. When my hand comes back it's covered in black.

Dammit. I forgot Christina did my makeup.

I take a deep breath.

Okay. Let's walk through this. Get up, Tris. Stand up.

I shakily push my hands into my knees and stand.

Good, good. Take a few breaths, keep your head up high. You can do this.

I do what it says. My mind may be on the ball telling me what to do, but my body's reactions to the instructions are the exact opposite. I take another deep breath and push my shoulders back so it looks like I'm stronger and more put together than I really am.

See? You're doing it. Just keep going through the motions. Walk up to your room.

I move to take a step forward, but my feet stay put.

Remember how to walk? Left foot forward, right foot forward, left foot forward, right foot forward. Yes. Like that. You've got it.

At this point, I'm only able to hear this part of my mind. I'm starting to feel numb towards all the emotion and hurt. Yes. This is what I wanted. I know I shouldn't be, but I'm happy with my body's ability to shut down like this. It makes my life much easier at times like these.

I find myself outside the room in what seems like no time at all.

Remember, head up. Don't let him see how much you're hurting. He's probably doing the same thing. You're both too stubborn to show the other what you're feeling.

I take a deep breath and swipe the keycard, slipping into the room. I hear the shower water running and feel relief rush through my veins at the fact that I don't have to face him right away. First things first, I need to hide the letter. I quickly pull it out of my pocket and open my suitcase. I open a small pocket on the side and slide the letter and note with the clues into it, zipping it up tightly. I cover it up with clothes and pray no one checks it when I'm not looking.

I get a tank top and shorts out of it while I'm down there. I stand up as the shower water stops. I almost put my phone up on the top of the tv stand but think better of it and put it into the nightstand drawer. I shrug my jacket off and force myself to put my game face back on as I hear the door open. I tell myself not to look at him, but I knew it was useless from the minute I thought it. Of course I'm going to look at the guy who may or may not still be my boyfriend and who may or may not still love me; I guess that part wasn't really clear to me.

As I turn and meet his eyes, I can tell we both have masks on. He has one of nonchalance, as if what we just fought about doesn't bother him. I have one of false confidence - a mask that hides both the unbearable pain and dark thoughts circling around inside me. We're both faking. We're both hurting. But this isn't something we can just put in the past and move on from; oh, there's nothing I wouldn't give to make this not real - to make this nonexistent.

We both break our glances after just a few moments pause.

"I'll take the couch," Tobias says with finality.

My breath catches in my throat and sobs threaten to escape it. I look down and will myself to say anything, anything at all...but all I can do is nod.

His footsteps pass me and I swallow hard but hopefully quietly enough so he wouldn't hear me. I scurry to the bathroom and shut the door swiftly behind me. I drop my clothes on the ground and grasp onto the counter in an effort to steady myself. I'm feeling dizzy - way dizzier than what would be considered normal for me.

You know that feeling when you've been running for what seems like forever and your lungs are on fire, and you can't catch your breath, but you don't stop because you have to keep going in order to make it home before dark? And you're thinking to yourself that you should not have pushed that far, that hard, because now you're out of air, pain is running through your body, you're almost 100% sure you're going to pass out, and you're panicking, thinking maybe you'll never be able to get enough air back into your lungs?

Well, if not, imagine it. Do you have the feeling imagined? Good. Because that's how I am feeling right now.

I gasp quietly for air and close my eyes in an attempt to stop the dizziness and nausea. If anything, this only makes it worse. I think that maybe, just maybe, I may be having an anxiety attack. Boy, I haven't had one of these in a while. I sure didn't miss them either.

I let go of my white-knuckled grip on the counter and instead fall in front of the toilet. After a few minutes of desperately looking for air while dry heaving, something actually comes up.

So you didn't throw up after Eric raped you, but you thr-

Wrong thing to think about. I throw up again.

Okay, Tris. It's okay. It's going to be okay. You're okay. Caleb is alive. Remember that? Your brother? Remember how he's going to come live with you in a week? Yeah? Okay, good. Let's focus on that, and breathing. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale…

I finally catch my breath and shakily stand up. I flush the toilet and go over to the sink to wash my hands and brush my teeth to get this horrible taste out of my mouth. At this point, I'd rather eat soap than have this aftertaste in my mouth.

I change into my other clothes and marvel in the chill it brings to my skin. I go to the counter and brush my hair out, setting the bobby pins on it. Once it's brushed, I put it in a ponytail, not wanting to deal with it at the moment.

I try to tell myself not to, but I do anyways; I look in the mirror. I find that I look like absolute hell; my face is 5 times paler than normal, my eyes look gaunt and haunted, my hair is a tangled mess, even when it's been brushed, the mascara is still stained on my cheeks, and you can definitely tell I had some sort of attack in here. Oh well. It's not as if I'll be questioned about it. He won't care. He doesn't care.

I splash water on my face and scrub until all of the black is off my cheeks.

I quickly turn away and step out the bathroom door before I can hesitate any longer. I toss my dirty clothes on top of my suitcase and stand up, startled to see that he's leaning against the wall next to the bathroom. I avoid eye contact and nervously take the time to squat back down and actually put my clothes inside the luggage.

"Are you okay?" he asks gently.

My breath stops in my throat and I swallow back tears again. I take a deep breath and look up at him. He looks strangely concerned.

"Why are you even asking? You don't care, I know that. You don't have to pretend in front of me."

His eyes harden again. Why couldn't I have just answered the right way, the easy way? A simple 'I'm fine' would have sufficed for the stage we're in. An 'I'm fine' and we would have both gone to the separate sleeping designations without another fight.

"I meant what I said, Tris."

"What? About how I only make people miserable and only care about myself? About how I only make things worse and how this is all my fault? Yeah, trust me, I got that," I angrily say.

He crouches down next to me and I gulp at the closeness. I've never realized how intimidating he can actually be.

"You know what I'm talking about."

"I'm not saying that I don't care about you, because you know I do, and I always will."

We hold eye contact for a few more moments. He's so close, but yet, he's so far away. I could throw my arms around him right now if I wanted to, but I can't.

He stands up again and I'm left taking in the breath that I lost while I was unknowingly holding it.

I clench my hands into fists to stop them from shaking and stand up a few moments later. I go to the bed and crawl in, desperate for warmth, but it's a lot colder than I realized. It's missing the warmth I need; it's missing Tobias.

The dim light that was lighting up the room goes away with a 'click' as Tobias shuts it off, and darkness fills the room instead. I close my eyes and try to clear my head of any and all emotion, but it seems impossible. I take a deep breath and slowly release it, trying to make myself numb now. I get great results; the numbness enters my system within minutes. Thank goodness I've had practice and know how to do it.

Even though I no longer feel anything, I still can't fall asleep. I toss and turn for what feels like hours until I finally lay still, accepting that I may have a sleepless night. I don't allow myself to think, but I do allow myself to go over our argument.

It hurt. A lot. Hearing what he said. But if I had the choice to take back what I did - take back the fact that I traveled to Haviland and talked to my brother who is actually not dead….I'm not sure I would. Is that bad? It's not like I'm choosing my brother over my boyfriend...right?

I force myself to stop before I can go too in depth about it and start to feel again. I instead turn my ears towards the couch where Tobias is sleeping and listen for his breaths. I faintly hear them, but they're there. The even, rugged breaths that could only come from him are there. I take a deep breath and release it. I close my eyes and surge with a new found confidence that I will fall asleep.

I take even breaths and empty out my head as much as possible. I listen to Tobias' breathing and match mine to his. I slowly start to be pulled under. Right before I fall asleep, I hear his voice. It only half-registers in my sleeping mind, and I'm sure I won't remember it in the morning, but I hear it nonetheless.

"I love you, Tris."

I love you too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you're all thinking right now, but please don't act on your plots to kill me quite yet...I do have a plan. I'm not saying that this plan will be acted upon right away, but I do have a plan. I promise.

So, moving on! I've been so busy lately! I ran into writer's block several times during this chapter, and I actually finished it quite a few times, but had to go back and change some things that way I could make sure it would match up with the plan I have in store.

Also, shoutout to my friend who gave me the idea of the Witness Protection Program to bring Caleb back into this story! I had been struggling with how to do this for a while and she gave me this wonderful idea! So a huge thanks goes out to her!:D

Thank you so much for the unbelievable number of 544 reviews, 302 favorites, and 355 followers! It means so much! You've all been so supportive and I can't thank you enough! I say this time we shoot for 550 reviews, 305 favorites, and 360 followers! I know we can do it!

And like always, if you have any questions, PM me! I may not answer back right away due to extreme business, but I will answer! I promise!:)

Until next time!