Chapter Ten

Give and Take

An all too familiar light knock suddenly sounded at the door.

Pitch blinked taking a few minutes before answering dejectedly, "Come in."

The door opened slowly and Toothiana poked her head in, "Pitch?" she called. "Is it okay if I come in?"

He thought to ask if he had a choice but then thought better of it not wanting to come across as being rude so soon after their last meeting. Pitch instead merely nodded not moving to get out from deep within his covers. He liked the way the comforter surrounded all but his face in its dark folds which was about as close as he was getting to being one with shadows these days. The gold flecks of light, Sandy had attached to him that first night they'd brought him here, had never faded much to Pitch's dismay, and when he was in the light, it almost looked like he had been sprinkled in small specks of glitter. This was also something that bothered him that he was unable to address, but out of the long list of grievances he had, it was rather minor.

Oddly enough, although he wouldn't admit it out loud, he was glad Toothinia still came by. He had half wondered if she would give up on him entirely after that morning's debacle. His eyes, wide and curious, followed her every move now as she entered.

"If you're asleep, I can come back tomorrow..."

He hesitated a moment before responding, "I'm not sleeping; I'm just bored."

"Oh," Tooth said, coming into the room. She smiled. "What would you like to do?"

Again, Pitch had to fight off his immediate want to respond with, 'Be free from the lot of you,' and instead sighed heavily, "What really is there to do here that's not chores for North or annoyingly Christmas?"

"Ummm…" That was actually a good question, she thought.

Her lack of an answer only served to solidify to him the scarcity of anything to do at the Pole, "Your ample suggestions are titillating Toothinia." Pitch hadn't meant to air the comment out loud, but his sarcasm won out before he had thought to curb it.

"I could always call Sandy in here." She said, lifting an eyebrow and placing a hand on her hip.

Pitch's eyes widened, "No! It… it wasn't meant to be rude. I just… I'm sorry," he finally finished sulkily not knowing what else to say to make his comment better.

Tooth forced a small loving smile, then fluttered up to the side of the bed, "May I sit down?" she waved toward the bed.

Pitch nodded lightly his eyes never leaving her.

Tooth sat down on the side of the bed. Instead of looking at Pitch, she kept her gaze down as if intently studying her hands in her lap, "I hope I didn't come off as really... harsh earlier," she began softly.

Pitch was torn between telling her that she most certainly was harsh because he didn't ever wish to go through anything like that with her again, but knowing that he'd been treating her badly, he also knew she had been justified by her actions. He'd had a lot of time to think on the matter, and he knew he was wrong, but he wasn't about to tell Toothinia that, "I'll admit it surprised me; I never took you to be brutish."

Tooth hesitated a moment, trying to digest Pitch's words, "It's not brutish, Pitch." she slowly said, surprised at her own words, "You deserved a lot more, I now realize that. Be glad I was merciful."

Pitch frowned hesitating in his response, "Can… can we talk about something else?" He blushed in deep embarrassment not liking to be reminded about their earlier 'conversation' and her continued support of North's idea that he needed spankings to behave.

Tooth thought a moment or two. "Well, why don't we talk about you?"

Pitch peered over at her curiously, "Me?"

"Yeah!" Tooth smiled. "Tell me about yourself. I know there's more to you than you simply being the boogeyman."

Pitch considered her before looking away his brow drawing down as he thought on her words, he was fear, he was… wasn't that what he'd always been? He tried hard now to think past this life, but the more he focused, the cloudier it became as if some part of him refused to acknowledge he'd ever existed before, but he could not deny there was also a part of him that panged this was not true. This scared him deeply. It made him feel acutely aware that she was staring at him now, so he cleared his throat, "I am the nightmare king, what else is there to tell? You know well of my exploits as you and your ilk have fought me the whole way… although I suppose now you've finally decided to ensure I'll never rise to power again." He grimaced now thinking that this current existence didn't hold out much hope to have a chance to find new ways to cover the world in shadow and defeat the guardians although now his heart wasn't fully set on this goal as he had been prior to coming here. Something inside him was changing as he grew to see these other entities as more than just sworn enemies. He had to wonder if they would ever really become friends like North had proposed; it was a pleasant idea if almost unimaginable.

Tooth's brow crinkled in concern. "All of us were someone before we became what we are now. I just thought… maybe you had been someone else too?"

"I… I don't think so," Pitch spoke ever so softly now withdrawn into himself as his heartrate quickened and something deep within him now stirred fighting to come to the surface. The fearlings that had possessed him so long ago had sank into the very fiber of his being and corrupted the man he once was tearing everything he'd stood for asunder and robbing him of his past, but there was still traces of that man inside him that wanted to be heard.

Tooth reached out and put a hand on his shoulder, worry etched on her face.

He reflexively recoiled from her touch so lost in thought was he before he relaxed again turning back to look at her with a mixture of sadness and confusion before looking away quickly. That overwhelming sense of weakness that blanketed his innermost fears took hold then as he spat angrily, "It was so long ago; it doesn't matter now anyway."

"Why wouldn't it matter? Wouldn't you like to know who you used to be?"

Pitch rose from laying down now unable to contain his nervous energy, the comforter falling to his shoulders where his head poked out leaving his face to be clearly seen along with the stricken grieving look he wore. His eyes flitted nervously to Tooothinia and back to staring at the bed spread, "I don't know. If we're all a manifestation of who we once were, would you really want to know that person?"

Tooth shrugged, "Sure, why not?"

His eyelids lowered into a half closed state as he plucked now absently at a loose thread in the comforter. He seemed distant now thinking inwardly once more before turning to regard her sadly, "I don't really remember, but sometimes in my nightmares I have fleeting moments where all I remember is feeling…" he shook his head. Why was he telling her this? He was giving her too much, she's going to use it against me! Pitch thought his anxiety growing as more fearful thoughts poured over his subconscious mind trying to pull him away from Toothinia. You're so weak! Look at you simpering to her after what she just did to you! You are pathetic! It's no wonder why you'll never be believed in again, you lack conviction! His face hardened as the fearlings within his core worked to subvert his thoughts once more although their hold was much weaker now, they still knew Pitch's greatest fears and had spent centuries turning those fears on to himself to guide him to their personal whims.

Tooth raised an eyebrow. "Feeling what?"

Her voice brought him back and his eyes moved to hers searching her soul for true intent. His eyes depicted his fear now, he was holding back for so long, but something inside him snapped just then, and he spoke against the rising tide of dread he felt swarming within him, "Loss," he stated it simply enough, but saying it out loud caused a tremor in his chest as that very feeling now overtook him and tears welled in his eyes. Pitch looked away quickly taking in slow deep steady breaths to contain the emotion that now threatened to spill out of him in waves. He willed himself not to cry now as never in waking did he let himself dwell on these feelings because it tore at him like razors.

Toothiana's brow furrowed as she tried to understand. Loss? What did Pitch mean by that? She put her hand on him again, "There, there, it's okay." she cooed softly.

Pitch was quiet for long minutes unable to speak past the lump in his throat. He had closed his eyes working to clear his mind.

Toothinia's hand lay on top of his, and at some point he had let it slip into his own hand and realized belatedly that he was gripping it tightly running his thumb softly across the length of her hand. His eyes opened traveling down his arm to rest on the sight of their hands clasped together, and where he would normally have pulled away from her, the contact was welcomed, needed even. Her hand was warm and gentle, and the feel of it sent a sense of calm through him. He was afraid to look at her now as he'd worked too hard to regain his composure, and this form of companionship was still so alien that it threatened to undo him all over again.

Tooth felt like she needed to say more, but she couldn't think of the right words for the moment. So instead she just sat there and allowed Pitch to hold her hand.

Pitch released her hand feeling awkward now as he pulled it away quickly. His face flushed with a rush of embarrassment for having expressed any form of vulnerability to her, "I'm sorry. I didn't realize..." He trailed off only glancing at her with uncertainty before averting his eyes back to the comforter.

"It's okay," she said, her face still showing concern.

Wanting to change the subject, Pitch rattled off distractedly, "I'm sure there's better things to talk about, why, why don't you tell me more about you?"

"Well," Tooth cleared her throat. "I don't know what's to tell, that you don't already know."

He gave her a small smile feeling a little better now that the conversation had turned to a lighter note and was directing away from him, "Oh I'm sure there has to be something you're willing to share. Surprise me."

Tooth rubbed her arms with her hands as she stared at the floor, "N—no, there's nothing. Really,"

Pitch frowned then feeling as if she were holding out on him. Why would she want to share anything with him? Here he was letting her in, and she was holding him at arm's length. He supposed she was wary of him for good reason, knowledge was a powerful weapon, and it wouldn't be the first time he'd used what he'd learned about them against them. Still, it hurt that he had trusted her enough to tell her something so sensitive about himself for her not to reciprocate at all. He felt foolish now for telling her anything as his anger welled within and he spat, "What is this? Are you grilling me for information?"

The Tooth Fairy's head snapped around to look at Pitch, confused over his sudden change in mood, "What? Why would I be doing that?" she looked at him closer, "Are you feeling well?"

Her seeming ignorance only seemed to incense him further as he stood shaking his finger at a scolding manner at her as he growled, "I see what you're doing here! You want to make me weak, so you can manipulate me! Well, I'm on to you! You're not going to play me for a fool!"

Tooth reached out and slapped Pitch across the face. She didn't know why. After the action had been done, she realized it was more of a reflex than anything else. She sat there, staring at him, more in shock than he was.

Pitch backed away from her his own hand going to his cheek to feel the sting her small hand had caused. The action had stopped him dead in his tracks surprising him fully as he blinked jaw hanging agape, "You… you struck me!" His face darkened now as he screamed at her, "How dare you!"

Ignoring him, Tooth fluttered off the bed, her eyes growing dark tinged with sadness, "Fine!" she yelled. "You want me to tell you about myself? You want me to tell you what it feels like to suddenly sprout feathers and wings? You want me to tell you what it feels like to be considered a freak? You want me to tell you how it feels to be hunted like a wild animal? You want me to tell you what it feels like to have your parents murdered? You want to know what it feels like living all of these years with the memory of that dreadful moment when you couldn't save your parents?" She was breathing heavily, her eyes watering, when she finally stopped. She hadn't realized she'd been shouting. She shrank back, putting her hands over her mouth.

Pitch's eyes softened, he'd mistaken her lack of sharing to be because she lacked trust in him not that what she had to share was too hard to speak about easily. His brow furrowed as he grimaced, "I… I was hasty in my words. I didn't mean to assume…" he trailed off regretting his outburst now.

"Do you know what it feels like to not belong anywhere?" she said slowly and softly.

Pitch looked at her with anguish now as he all but whispered, "Every day."

Tooth kept quiet, the air feeling awkward again. She turned her eyes to the floor, hoping no one had heard them screaming at each other.

Pitch sighed shaking his head feeling flustered by the situation, "You're right, I don't know where you were, but I see where you are now. It hurts to hold on to those memories, but that's your thing isn't it? Why then? Why hold them so dear when all they do is bring you pain?"

Tooth searched for words. "You don't hold all memories dear. There are different types of memories. There are those that are fun and happy, that are comforting to look back on. These are memories people cherish and hold dear. Then there are bad memories that are painful to remember. We hold on to them, not dearly, but so that they can teach us lessons or remind us of where we've come from and how strong we were to make it through them. Sometimes they serve to remind us to not make the same mistakes again. A lot of people try to forget them and put them in a mental box, not wanting to remember them. Sometimes they try to deny they ever happened. But that does more damage than they realize. They don't understand that each of our lives are made up of good and bad events that eventually turn into memories. It's okay to remember the past, to see where you've come from, even when it comes to the bad parts, but you have to also keep moving forward. You can't dwell on and allow the bad memories to rule and control you and drag you down."

Pitch's eyes looked her up and down studying her now and thinking on her words, "I don't have any memories beyond this life. All I remember is the darkness and what it is to be it. There is no comfort to look back on, but there have been many lessons. Tell me then, at what point did you find you were able to move forward? At what point were you able to surpass the pain you feel?"

Tooth shrugged. "When I became the Tooth Fairy. I finally found a place I belonged, and I finally found my purpose. As North would say... I found my center: guarding the memories of childhood innocence and happiness so I can remind those that have forgotten. Seeing the children on my nightly flights helped to ease the pain overtime."

Pitch sneered now as he paced, "Yes, you lot gave the entirety of your existence over to their belief in you. Fickle creatures, children." This note hit a pang of fierce jealousy in Pitch since more often than not his undoing rested wholly on the fact that children refused to believe in him like they did the guardians.

"I don't really see it as giving my existence over to them." said Tooth, calmly. "I want to do what I do. It's my purpose. In fact, I started doing it before I even became the Tooth Fairy. It's more of a love and a passion."

"I'd like to do my purpose as well, but that doesn't align with you and your fellow guardians' goals. Thankfully even without me playing a part, fear does its job. Although it would be nice to have just a fraction of the belief that you guardians covet," Pitch scowled quite embittered now the more they spoke. It served to acutely remind him that he was very much still a prisoner here.

Tooth looked at him a moment, thinking. Her face turned very somber as she studied his gold eyes, "IS fear really your purpose?" she asked softly.

Pitch looked hesitant, fear was all he knew, but was it his purpose? That he couldn't really say. But Pitch did know that it wasn't happy and joyous and therefore was seen as bad by the guardians. Of course, they didn't understand it like he did. All the guardians saw was the fact that it made children afraid, so he tried to explain, "I know you think fear is awful, but you seem to forget that without fear, your precious children wouldn't know not to walk out into the street without looking both ways or not to be wary of strangers or other dangers that lurk in their waking world. I can motivate them to weigh the consequences of cheating on that test or to think twice about jumping off that roof or exploring an abandoned mine shaft... all you see of my work is a nightmare, never any purpose. I'm not going to say that everything I delve in or even most of it is as sugar coated as what you do, but it can be used to protect children to."

"You speak of some truth." said Tooth. "However, when we last fought, you were hard bent on shrouding the entire world in darkness and fear. That is not good. Turning children's dreams into nightmares is not good. People cannot live in a world of constant fear. You claim to be the boogeyman, Pitch. The fear you mostly delve in goes far beyond rational fears."

Pitch shrugged, "Well, as I said, sugar coated isn't usually what I do mostly because it doesn't give me much in the way of power or belief. I have had to work so much harder to attain a smidgen of belief, not that you would know anything about that since you practically get belief handed to you," he stated this last bit with obvious annoyance.

"We work to earn belief." Tooth corrected. "If we stopped doing our jobs, we would no longer be believed in. If you want to be believed in again, then maybe you should think about doing something that rightfully earns it in an honest way, instead of frightening people and forcing them to believe in you through power. You said yourself that rational fear can protect children."

"Earns… yes. Are you planning to give me that opportunity then?" Pitch thought this might be an excellent window for him to get away from the Pole, "I could go with you when you plan to collect teeth next, and you can even watch me work." This would be a good way to get a small source of power Pitch realized, and maybe even a window for a real escape.

A look of concern washed over Tooth's face. "That's something you will have to discuss with North. And something all of us will have to decide on."

Pitch scowled, "All? Can't you speak to North on my behalf? I'm sure he'd listen to you," Pitch hoped to sound convincing now.

Tooth approached Pitch as she would a child, "I think it would sound better if it came from you. This is your responsibility and your second chance. It's up to you to make it happen." she smiled. "Talk to North and if he seems okay with the idea then... well... we'll have a meeting about it."

Pitch looked at her with a hint of worry and disbelief, North would never fly with that he thought, but maybe if he could convince Toothinia to stand at his side, he just might. He smiled mischievously at her now, "Would you go to talk to him with me? I'd like you at my side… you know as support."

She smiled at him. "Of course I will."

So it was that the two made their way to North's office. The closer they got though the more introverted Pitch became as he worked to think on what exactly he would say to North once they actually were in front of him.

North was speaking with a group of yetis about something or another when they finally approached, and after several minutes Pitch was growing impatient. He stood there stiffly with his hands clasped behind his back as his eyes darted to Toothinia again, and when he felt he could wait no longer, he cleared his throat in hopes of getting the big man's attention.

North and the yetis stopped talking and looked in Pitch and Tooth's direction, at first looking somewhat offended that they had been interrupted. North's face relaxed when he saw who had entered. After quickly sizing up the two and obviously deciding that Pitch was a more serious topic, he turned and told the yetis that they could resume the conversation later and the creatures left. North walked back to his desk and seated himself there.

"So, what brings you two to my office?" he finally said. Being late at night, his voice sounded tired.

Toothiana gently urged Pitch forward.

Pitch cleared his throat again feeling a knot starting to form in the pit of his stomach as Toothinia's hands pressed into his shoulder to get him to move forward and speak, "Um, well, Toothinia and I have been talking… and well, we thought that maybe I could make a productive mark in the world using my abilities… to… to help children stay safe. That I… we, could go out nightly to do so when Toothinia goes out to gather her teeth." Pitch wrung his hands behind his back as he spoke watching North intently as the man sat in his chair spinning to face them fully now.

"What?" said North, looking from Tooth to Pitch. "Use your abilities to keep kids safe?"

This of course pleased Pitch to see North's immediate reaction, "Well yes, to use my abilities to instill fear where fear is needed… you know, to get children to think unpleasantly about things that they could do that would bring them harm," he allowed himself to smile as he looked to Toothinia to have her help give North reassurance that this was actually his goal.

North frowned, not entirely understanding or liking where the conversation was going. He turned a questioning look to Tooth, hoping she would better explain Pitch's intentions.

"What he means," Tooth flew forward, "is that he would like to use his abilities for good, as in instilling rational fears within children that will help protect them. He could go out at night with me when I collect teeth."

North remained silent, a hard glare fixated on Pitch.

Pitch's eyes darted back and forth between North and Toothinia while she spoke on his behalf, and as North's steely blue eyes locked back on him, he couldn't help feel a pang of nervousness as if the man could see right through him to his true intentions. He couldn't know that he was just looking for another way out, but he was sure he suspected it, and this had Pitch inching a little closer to Toothinia as he awaited what North had to say on the matter.

"No," North stated simply. Tooth's smile dropped. "Absolutely not. Is good idea, yes, but Pitch has done nothing to earn trust yet. He has refused to do work, made escape attempt, and has been disagreeable on all accounts. Until he shows that he is trustworthy, he will not be leaving Pole."

North's words were not unexpected, but it still served to anger Pitch considerably as his brow drew down and he argued heatedly, "I worked all day today without even being asked! If you don't give me a chance to prove I'm trustworthy, how will you ever know!"

"Pitch," North said, trying to keep his temper in check, "I know is hard for you to understand. Believe me, I appreciate you doing work without being asked. I'm happy to see you found work you enjoy doing. But one day of work is not enough to earn you freedom. Things like this do not happen overnight. Your time and rehabilitation here at Pole will be handled in small steps. You want freedom and chance to prove you're trustworthy? Then earn it by showing me you are serious about changing and are willing to handle responsibilities given you without complaint and show of bad temper and trying to escape." he leaned back in his chair. "Moon might have put you here, but I am not convinced yet that Moon meant for you to be Guardian."

Pitch narrowed his eyes hatefully at North as he spat, "Of course you couldn't believe anything I could do could be considered 'guardian worthy,'" Pitch quoted these words as a testament to his exasperation before balling his fists at his sides as he continued to show his resentment of North's choices, "You're keeping me enslaved here doing your bidding already, and you plan to do so for who knows how long! I'll continue doing your menial tasks as required. I've already agreed to do so, but how can you not expect me to complain about my situation! I'm not exactly thrilled about it or anything." He muttered now as he crossed his arms, "Small steps indeed, this would be a small step since I'd still be on a leash with Toothinia at my side. That should account for something I would think!"

North stared dangerously at Pitch. Toothiana noticing this, cleared her throat and shook her head, motioning for Pitch to shut up.

Pitch's frown only deepened still annoyed by North's flat refusal and an ambiguous sentence of 'small steps' that could take who knew how long to surpass. He sighed heavily in his agitation gritting his teeth, "Fine. Have it your way. I suppose since there's no brokering any form of leverage with North that this conversation is pointless. Come on Toothinia, I'm done here," As Pitch said this, he spun around to leave in a huff.

Tooth drew her hands up to her chin, not really sure what to do or say as she looked between North and Pitch. North rolled his eyes and sighed, shaking his head. He wanted to say more, a lot more, but he felt exhausted. Not because of it being late, but because Pitch had pushed him to the point of not knowing what else to say. He already felt like he was repeating himself. And nothing he said seemed to sink into Pitch's head.

Pitch continued to storm out of North's office as he fumed brooding over the conversation. Why did he ever hold out any hope that the fat man would even consider his request? Looking behind him, Pitch realized Toothinia had not followed him out staying behind to obviously speak to North. Maybe she might be able to work out something better than he could, and so Pitch lingered by the door attempting to eavesdrop and hear what they might be talking about.

"He is impossible," North sighed, "If only he could understand he brings it on himself. He makes situation harder than it is simply because he's so arrogant and prideful."

"He's trying, North," said Tooth.

"I know he is. But he should be grateful we care enough about him to let him stay here. I am close to taking Bunny's advice and throw him back in hole."

"You wouldn't…"

"No, but I am tempted. But something has to be done, or he will push all of us to jumping in hole ourselves from losing minds." North frowned. "Pitch does not know how much mercy I have shown him. I'm this close to taking him over knee again."

Tooth glared at North, "He needs help, North..."

"Help! We are all aware he needs help. What do you think I have been trying to do since we embarked on this madness?!" North forced a laugh, "Pitch refuses all help I try giving. And refuses to understand seriousness of situation."

"He can't be made to understand everything overnight," Tooth spoke calmly, "I mean, he's spent years dwelling in darkness and fear. You can't expect a person like that to change at the snap of your fingers."

"I understand that, Tooth. I do not expect him to change overnight; that is why his time here at Pole must be approached in small steps. But he should understand that he is prisoner. He will stay here until he has paid for his crimes. It is either here or hole. We cannot risk him going back out in world yet. If we let him out there, and he turns against us, we will have to fight him again. Then that will leave us no other choice but to put him in hole again. That is, if he doesn't destroy us all and himself in the process."

North's words weighed heavily on Pitch as he listened. Was he really that difficult to deal with? Pitch sunk back away from the door now more than a little disheartened to also hear North planned to keep him from being able to leave the Pole until he'd served out whatever term North deemed sufficient for his crimes against them. Pitch swallowed hard, that was a very, very long list to contend with, and as such, he knew it was going to be a very long excruciating wait.

"So what are you going to do?" Tooth asked.

"I don't know." North shook his head sadly. "For now, we will be patient and wait. Let Pitch work in stables. If he doesn't show signs of changing by end of year, I can honestly say there is no hope for him."

Pitch gasped at the finality of North's words as they sent a spiraling feeling of both horror and despair through him. What if he couldn't change enough for North's standards? Would he throw him away like refuse? His heart ached as this thought brought on a whole new wave of sadness to think that even Santa Claus could be convinced to give up on him.

Not wishing to hear anymore, Pitch darted down the corridor now. He didn't go back to his room though choosing to find a darkened nook he'd passed before when he'd been forced to clean with Sandy. It was a simple indention in the foundation that could have once been used as a storage space, but as of now it was empty and, for Pitch, thankfully dark and inviting.

Looking about to see he was alone, Pitch crawled into the space scooting back into its darkest recesses where he sat drawing himself into a ball. He most certainly didn't wish to be found or bothered as he wept now feeling more than a little desolate at his inherent lack of belief in himself as well as North's.

Tooth continued to hover in front of North's desk, thinking over everything. She didn't like what North had to say about the matter. She knew Pitch had the potential to change. She could feel it. And what's more, she had seen evidence on occasion while talking with him. There was definitely something there, under the surface, which wanted to come out. Or had he just been tricking her and stringing her along? It was hard to tell with Pitch sometimes. Her thoughts then drifted back to the tooth she knocked out of Pitch's mouth. The tooth! Her face brightened and her smile returned when she remembered that she had kept it.

"Tooth, is something wrong?" North asked, noticing the look on Tooth's face.

"N—no, nothing's wrong. In fact, everything might be right." she quickly flew out of the room and down the hall.

North shrugged and turned his attention back to the papers on his desk.