So before this chapter starts, I want to sincerely apologize for the amount of time it's taken to get this chapter written and uploaded. I'll admit, I've been working on it for the past two months very sparingly and in pieces with it not being even close to my first priority. And I'm sorry.
The truth is, my family has been going through a very, very rough time right now regarding my mother's health, and it's taken a large toll on me. I've been extremely and constantly stressed and tired lately, and it doesn't help that end-of-year projects/exams/cram sessions are here as well. I'm drowning in responsibility as of right now, and for me to try and take on a new chapter while it's difficult for me to even finish my schoolwork on time is not a smart idea.
As much as I love my readers and this story, I have to put my mental health and academics first. I simply have not had the motivation, time, or mindset needed to write lately, and I'm so sorry about that. I really, truly am. It's because of this that I also have not been able to check my PM boxes...I promise that as soon as time allows me to I will! I don't want you guys to think that I am ignoring you, because I'm not!
I know this probably has lately been showing up as me losing interest in this story, but I promise that is not the case. I need to get everything back on track and stop delaying the serious topics that are about to ensue in here. The last couple chapters have been fillers; they have almost no relevance to the upcoming chapters. I need to get it turned around before I can't go back, and I hope that it doesn't seem too sudden.
I hope this chapter doesn't reflect my stress and/or seem like little to no effort was put into it. However, if this is the case, please tell me and I will rework it once I feel I can. I am so thankful for all of your guys' support, and I sincerely hope that the time it's taken to get this chapter up has not changed that. Once again, I am so sorry for the wait.
Anyways, as most of you have pointed out, Tris is acting very okay after everything that's happened to her (including the most recent development...*cough* ERIC *cough*). It's almost like nothing has even happened, like she doesn't even care. And that is true; she is acting (hint, hint) very okay...but as you all know, even the strongest of us have breaking points. And unfortunately, (or fortunately...however you'd like to look at it), Tris has reached hers.
Disclaimer: I do not own Divergent or any of its characters.
OH! By the way...if you're a daredevil and love taking chances, I dare you to read the last paragraph (including the last line) of this chapter BEFORE the actual chapter. It will definitely throw you for a loop!;)
Chapter 42
Tobias's POV
"So, Uriah said something interesting yesterday," I tell Tris.
We've spent the entire day watching movies, taking naps, and just lounging around. I know it annoys her, but now that I know she's struggling with something else, I can see there's more to her annoyance than just being cooped up here all day.
Tori got back home hours ago. Tris and I are in her room getting ready for bed.
She's been quiet the entire day. I know Caleb marked it off as annoyance, but I haven't. Not yet. Other than the one moment we had before she fell asleep for the first time, as she took two additional naps, she's been strangely...disconnected.
Her head snaps towards mine. "What did he say?"
She looks almost nervous. I frown. This could be worse than I thought.
-Flashback-
Uriah climbs into the passenger seat of my truck and I start the drive to his house. It's oddly quiet for Uriah being in the vehicle, and when I look over I can see he's deep in thought.
"Anything you want to share, buddy?" I ask him.
He looks at me, snapping out of it. "Umm...no?"
The way he says it makes me wonder the importance of what he's thinking about. I don't interrogate him any further, though. I respect his privacy.
I finally pull up to his house. He starts to get out.
"Thanks for the ride, Four."
I nod at him. "No problem. Tell Zeke and Hana I said hi."
"You aren't coming in?"
I shake my head. "No. I should probably get back to Miss Runaway."
He cracks a tiny smile, but then it fades.
"What is it?" I ask concerned.
"Four...talk to her."
I frown. "Talk to who? Tris?"
He nods. "I'm not sure what happened, but whatever it was brought up some really dark thoughts. Really dark thoughts. Just...talk to her. Let her know you're there to listen. She needs you."
With nothing else said, he jumps out of the vehicle and goes inside without a second glance. I sit in silence for a while, not moving to do anything. What did he mean by dark thoughts? And doesn't she already know I'm here to listen?
I eventually put two and two together and realize that of course she doesn't know; she's Tris. Sure, she talks to me about the darkness in her past, but never the darkness in her present. I immediately know that Uriah has a point, and whatever it was that he was talking about isn't good.
I sigh and start driving back to the house. I already know that that conversation, whenever it will be, is not going to be the happiest.
"Come here," I tell Tris and pat the empty space next to me. She hesitantly steps over and sits down.
"What did he tell you?" she whispers, avoiding my gaze.
"To talk to you."
I don't say anything else, hoping she'll trust me enough to talk to me about what Uriah told me.
"About what?"
I sigh and relent. "He said some bad things have been running through your head. That something has been making dark thoughts swim around in there," I say quietly and tap her temple lightly with my finger.
She drops her gaze to the floor. "He wasn't supposed to hear anything. I thought I was just talking to a tree. He eavesdropped."
"And I'm glad he did." She finally flicks her eyes up to mine. "If he didn't I wouldn't have known about this, and I wouldn't be asking you to talk to me about whatever it is that's broken you," I explain. "I have a feeling I know what the final straw was, but I could be wrong," I say, thinking of Eric.
Tears fill her eyes. I don't comfort her yet, even though it kills me to see her cry. She needs to let this out; the pent up thoughts and emotions she has cannot be healthy. I know they've become too much to bear.
"It was Eric. Him coming back...it was…" She covers her mouth with her hand and holds back tears before she can finish her sentence. However, I don't need her to; I know how it was supposed to end. If I can get her to keep talking, even if it's just fragmented sentences, it will help. I have to believe that.
"Don't hold it in, Tris. Talk to me," I softly command.
She shakes her head, the tears getting dangerously close to spilling over.
"Tris," I say in a voice that is a bit sterner than last time.
At my tone, she lets her tears escape. I slide my hand over her knee and squeeze.
"I haven't thought about it ever since I told Christina. I put it into the dark recesses of my mind and kept it there. But then it grew, and I felt like I was constantly on the edge," she gets out between cries.
"On the edge of what?" I ask, making sure to keep my tone gentle. She's strong. She doesn't need to be treated like she's fragile...but at this very moment...she does. And that's only because she needs the extra comfort. Anything harsher than that, and I know she would break even more than she already has.
"I don't know...everything? A meltdown, an anxiety attack, collapsing and never getting back up?" She lets out a shaky breath and sloppily wipes off her cheeks. "But instead of facing it, I put that in a different box and locked it up too. After that, I could barely feel anything. I laughed, I smiled, I yelled, but I never really felt it. I felt like I was trapped in a tiny little shell. I still feel like I'm trapped. And now...now…" She trails off and looks at me with pleading eyes.
I remove my hand from her knee, take her hands, and softly open the clenched fists one at a time as I continue talking, massaging the sore and tired knuckles as I go.
"Now?" I prod.
"Now…" she cries. "Now I don't know what to do. I've tried everything to get any emotion or feeling to stay, but no matter what I do, it always disappears in the end."
I get a bit anxious at her words. "What exactly have you tried?"
She shakes her head, causing her tears to trail a different path on her cheeks. They now run off the sides of her jaw instead of the sides of her lips.
"If I tell you, you'll get mad," she whispers so quietly that I could barely hear.
I frown and gently bring her chin up to meet my eyes. "Tris, I'm not going to get mad."
"How do you know?" she whimpers.
"Because…" I sigh. "Because you're near impossible to get mad at. And even if I do, it's completely impossible for me to stay mad at you, especially when you're like this."
She looks away, and I let her. I put both of my hands around one of hers again and wait.
"I...I needed to feel something, anything, so I…I…" She stops and lets out a sob.
I squeeze the hand I'm holding as she brings up the other one to cover her mouth. She manages to temporarily stop her crying so she can get this out.
"First I snapped at Caleb. Sure, part of the reason I snapped was because I was legitimately mad that he made you go back in time to your fath-sorry-Marcus." I internally roll my eyes at her for worrying about how she approaches the subject of Marcus at a time like this. "But the more I yelled, the worse I felt, and eventually it all went away and I was left with nothing but brokenness again. Then I got caught up in the moment with you. I told you I loved you and up until we laid back, I felt a flurry of emotions. Then, just like always, it faded away. Then I thought that maybe if I stopped acting on my own spur-of-the-moment emotions, then the end results would be different."
"And were they?" I ask, already knowing the answer but wanting her to get more out anyways.
"No," she whimpers, almost as if she were in pain. I feel my heart break at the sound. "I started the fight with Caleb, not on purpose, but to focus on something other than how dead I felt. Once he reacted, I kept going. I thought maybe if he was technically the one to start the actual fighting, I would be more angry, and the feeling would last longer. And then…" She starts to cry again. "...and then I let you see my scar because it was the only thing left for me to try. But just like everything else, any feeling I had only lasted as long as the actual event did, and then I'm back to nothing."
I'm left speechless by her words, but then again, I'm not entirely shocked. These past few days have been way too...simple for an almost-repeat of her past. I should have known it wouldn't be that easy. Of course she's struggling. A demon from her past literally came back to haunt her again. I haven't been paying enough attention. Thank God Uriah was there when she was talking about this.
She flicks her eyes up to mine a few silent minutes later, tears falling down her cheeks again. "Please don't be mad," she brokenly whispers.
My heart breaks all over again and now I can't help but reach for her. I pick her up and bring her onto my lap, wrapping my arms tightly around her. She buries her face in my shirt to help muffle her cries. I stroke her hair gently.
"I'm not mad," I whisper in her ear. "How could I be mad?"
"I used you and your feelings to try and manipulate myself into feeling the same things. I was selfish." I can barely understand her due to the mixture of her crying and muffled voice, but I am somehow able to pick out her words.
"No, Tris," I say. "I'm not mad. You're not selfish, for God's sake. How could you be selfish for wanting to feel human?" I let this sink in for a moment before confusing. "You shouldn't be numb in the first place; no one should ever not feel. I'm not mad at you for trying to feel something. I could never be mad at you for that. I'm just disappointed in myself for not seeing this any sooner than I did."
I rest my chin on her head as her small hands weakly clutch at my shirt. I hold her tightly to me, not ever wanting to let go, trying to keep her steady as her body shakes from the intenseness of her sobs.
"Do you feel anything now?" I question, wondering if this is another time where she shows emotion on the outside but doesn't really feel it.
It takes a while for her to reply. She thinks about it, then speaks- well, at least, she tries to speak. "I don't-" She hiccups, and lets out another sob. "-know."
I accept the answer and leave it be. I don't want to make her more upset than she already is by pushing the boundaries.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done what I did," she says a few minutes later after her cries have calmed a little.
"It's okay, Tris. It's okay," I tell her, because I know it's no use to tell her she doesn't have to apologize, and kiss her head.
"Tobias?" she asks shakily.
"Yes?"
"This isn't what Uriah was talking about."
My heart stops beating for a moment. "What...what do you mean?"
"When I was thinking out loud...I didn't mention anything about this."
I hold my breath. "So, in other words, there's more?"
"Sometimes…" She takes a deep breath in through her nose. "…sometimes I still feel like everyone would be better off without me. Without my burdens."
My eyes involuntarily widen and I freeze. "Tris…" is the only thing I manage to get out.
"Before you freak out, I'm not saying I'm going to try anything. I know I wouldn't get away with it. It's just a reoccurring thought I have, and that's all it will ever be: a thought," she whispers.
"Thoughts turn into actions, Tris." I want to slap myself upside the head for saying that of all things.
"That may be true some of the time, but talking to you is an action, right?"
I frown, not knowing where she's going with this. "Yes…" I confirm hesitantly.
"Remember the phrase 'Think before you speak'? Speaking is an action, and it's something that requires thought before acting upon it. I'm thinking before I speak, or in this case, do, okay? I won't act upon those thoughts. Not again."
I lean back and tilt her chin up so I can look into her eyes.
"I should be the one comforting you," I state.
She shrugs, but it's so machine-like that I don't think she even knows she does it. "I'm not comforting; I'm reassuring. I don't want you to get any crazy ideas locked in your head and tell Caleb or Tori. I don't need them worrying too."
I sigh and kiss her forehead. "Why...why do you think like this? What made you think like that?"
She looks down, tears filling her eyes again. "A lot of different things."
"Care to share?"
Her eyes flick up towards mine for a mere second before going back down.
"I've been such a mess lately. I snap too easily, I get angry for no legitimate reason, I shut people out, I fake my feelings, and I know it's getting more and more difficult to be patient with me. I know I'm hard to be with."
"Tris, you have no idea how not hard it is to be with you."
"Well, I know it can't be easy." Her eyes are more gray than blue-a storm is taking over.
"Nothing in a relationship is ever easy. That's the point. If it was easy, then we'd have nothing worth fighting for."
"But it feels like you're always the one fighting for an 'us'; you never seem to stop," she says, her bottom lip trembling.
"Understand this, Tris: If keeping you meant I had to fight for the both of us every day for the rest of my life, then I'd fight like hell."
"You shouldn't have to fight for the both of us," she whispers, and I can sense she feels ashamed for whatever reason; I have no idea what goes inside her head to dignify those feelings.
"But that's what we're supposed to do," I blurt out. She looks a bit intrigued, so I continue. "When one of us doesn't have any fight left in them, the other fights for both sides. Relationships are almost never a perfect fifty/fifty; sometimes they're forty to sixty, eighty to twenty, or even ninety-nine to one. But that doesn't matter as long as it all adds up to a full one-hundred."
She pauses, biting her lip to keep it from wobbling. "But what if it doesn't? What if we don't give one-hundred percent?"
I shake my head and kiss the corner of her mouth. "I don't think we'll ever have to worry about that," I whisper truthfully.
"But what if we do?"
I sigh and rest my forehead on hers. "Then we'll cross that bridge when we get to it, but until then, I don't want you to worry about that, okay?"
A few tears leak from her eyes, and I find myself wiping the continuous stream off her cheeks every so often.
"I don't want to lose you," she finally whispers, very brokenly I might add, her eyes breaking way for a heavier set of tears. "I-I can't lose you."
"Shhh," I whisper, barely audible. I lightly kiss her for just a few seconds in an effort to stop her body's shaking. When I pull back, I wrap her up in a tighter hold than before. "You won't lose me. Of all the things in the world you have to worry about, do not pick this one to fret over. You're going to make yourself sick if you do. You are not going to lose me. I can promise you that."
She cries into my shirt, her body limp in my arms. I kiss the top of her head every few minutes to reassure her that I'm still here, but I know it could be awhile before her eyes stop leaking water. I can feel my own tears forming: I can't bear to see her like this.
"You don't know how much it kills me to see how much pain you're in, how long you've faced this alone," I start, speaking purely from the emotions deep inside of me. "I want to take all of your pain away; I want to make you feel better. If I could, I would gladly trade my well-being for your pain if it meant you wouldn't feel it anymore, and it kills me that I can't." I take a deep breath. "So, please, please, please let me help you. Let me be there for you. Let me be the one you lean on when it seems like the entire world has crumbled around you and the one you need to listen when it seems like everyone has gone deaf. Let me be someone who doesn't want to see you be hurt more than you already are. Let me be someone who loves you throughout everything. Please."
It all came tumbling from my mouth without a second thought. I said it in a very low whisper, but I can tell she heard me by the way her cries have quieted. Her body still shakes, but at least she isn't making the gut-wrenching, heart-breaking noises that she was earlier.
Now that I've taken time to process everything I just said, I'm not sure how she'll take my plea to help her. Will she be angry for implying she can't handle this all on her own? Will she feel insufficient and useless for implying she isn't strong enough to face this by herself? Will she refuse my plea, lock her emotions back into a dark recess of her mind, and never let them escape again like this?
Just when I think that she's going to pull away and snap at me for every reason I just thought of and more, she does the unexpected: Instead of yanking her arms away, they slide around my back and lightly squeeze. The movement is tired, weak, and slow, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because she accepted.
She's going to let me help her.
I breathe a sigh of relief and rest my chin on her head. Then I hear a whisper so quiet that if we were outside, it could be mistaken for the breeze. But, because I know who the sound comes from, I hear, and I become fully attentive to it.
"Please help me get through this. I...I don't know how long this will take or how much it'll hurt, but...I know that I can't do it alone. At least...not anymore. I...I need you. I love you. I know...I know what that means now."
I close my eyes and hold her tighter to me. "I love you too," I whisper.
Her body rattles through the aftershocks of crying and her grip on me tightens, just slightly. I rub her back while I wait for the sniffles and choppy breaths to subside. It takes a long time, but they eventually do.
"Tobias?" she asks, her voice raw.
I sigh, knowing how this ended last time she said my name in that tone. I mentally prepare myself for more.
"Yes?" I ask again.
"My eyes hurt," she whimpers.
A breath of relief escapes me, and a tear I didn't know had formed falls down my cheek and onto her hair. Hopefully she didn't feel that.
"Let's lay down, okay?" I whisper, not trusting my voice at the moment.
She nods, but I know doesn't have enough energy to move when she stays as still as a rock. I take one arm off from around her and move the covers back far enough for the both of us to slide into. Keeping one arm wrapped completely around her waist (she has a very small frame), I slowly make my way up and underneath the blankets. She stays tucked into my chest while I let go of her to adjust the covers. I wrap my arms around her again, praying that she'll be able to sleep.
"Tobias...please don't cry," she whispers.
I quickly bring a hand up to my face and surprise myself when it comes back wet. I didn't know I was crying; how she knew and I didn't, I will most likely never know.
She tips her head back so she can meet my eyes. Her eyes are a bit puffy, but are back to the normal shade of gray and blue; however, the whites of her eyes are cracked and red, making it look like she hasn't slept for days. And I guess, in a way, she hasn't.
Her hand slowly creeps up and gently touches my face. I close my eyes as her careful fingers wipe off the remaining moisture. They take their time, and when they're done, they rest on my cheek.
I eventually open my eyes to find her staring guiltily into mine. I immediately know what she's thinking.
"Don't…" My voice comes out raspy, and I clear my throat. "Don't be sorry. Don't think that this, that any of this, is your fault, because it's not."
She looks down at my shirt, her hand slipping off my cheek.
"I don't want you to worry."
"I'm always going to worry." Her eyes snap back up to mine. "I'm always going to worry," I repeat. "Whether you're happy, healthy, sad, or sick, I'm always going to worry. That's what I do; I worry. Not to an obsessive point, but I do, and will, worry. Nothing you do can change that."
The guilt slowly flushes away from her eyes, and fatigue replaces it.
"Go to sleep, okay?" I whisper.
She doesn't seem to hear me. Either that or she doesn't want to listen, as her eyes stay wide open.
"Tris," I whisper. I lean forward and kiss her forehead. Her eyes involuntarily flutter closed, and I take the opportunity to kiss her eyelids. When I pull away, they, surprisingly, stay shut.
"Go to sleep. I'm not going anywhere. I've got you."
Her breaths steadily grow deeper, and I'm starting to think she fell asleep when she opens her mouth.
"Thank you."
That's all she says, but I can tell she means something beyond my comprehension with those two words. She means something that nobody but her could understand, and instead of wasting the words trying to explain it to me, she conveyed them into two simple ones - the ones that are the closest synonyms to whatever it is she wished she could say.
I bring her head carefully back into my chest, and she very slowly melts into me.
"You're welcome," I whisper back, knowing that there are no other words I could say to relieve her of the impending thoughts racing in her mind. Telling her I love her wouldn't serve any purpose as of right now, not to mention they're not the words she wants to hear.
I feel her mouth turn up in a small smile, and I suddenly feel relieved. At least now, when she's too tired to function properly, I know she can't fake emotion or smiles; now I know I've said the right thing.
I hug her tighter to me and let my eyes fall shut too. It's going to be a long night for both of us, but for now we'll acquire sleep in peace.
I wake up what seems like only ten minutes later, but logically I know it has to have been longer than that. I look around for what awoke me, but I see and hear nothing. I frown and rub my eyes. Nothing?
I turn my head to the other side of the bed. Nothing. My heart beats a bit faster as I escape from my after-sleep state.
"Tris?" I call out.
I hear faint movement come from across the room. I sit up to see a crack of light peeking out from under the bathroom door.
"Tris, are you in there?"
It stays quiet for a while, then I hear a sniffle. "Yeah," a muffled voice comes from the other side of the door.
I slowly get out of bed and pad over to the door.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah," the voice answers in the same choked-up tone.
"No, you're not," I simply state. She sighs, but doesn't object to my claim. "Do you want me to come in?"
"No...just…" She sighs again. "Can I have a few more minutes of alone time?"
"Alright," I comply and sit against the wall.
After a few minutes, she speaks again.
"Can you be honest with me for a minute?"
"Yes," I reply.
"What would you do if I was gone?"
I take in a sharp breath. "Tris…"
"Please, Tobias."
I close my eyes and take deep breaths. "You want to know the honest to God answer?"
"Yes."
"I don't know." Her side of the door stays quiet. "I. Don't. Know," I repeat.
"What do you mean?" she quietly asks.
"You're my whole life now, Tris. If you were gone, I don't know what I would do. I do know that it wouldn't be anything good, though. Without you, I have nothing, and no one, left. You're all I have."
She falls silent again. It stays this way for a few minutes, then her voice seeps through the door again.
"You can come in now."
I stand up and open the door. She sits against the wall, dried tears stuck to her cheeks. She looks at me as I walk in, but she doesn't say anything more. I follow her lead and wordlessly sit down next to her. She rests her head on my shoulder, and we sit in a peaceful silence for a while.
"I'm ready to go back to bed," she whispers later.
I stand up slowly, letting her head gently fall off my shoulder. I stand in front of her and offer her my hand. She takes it and I swiftly pull her up. She lets go of my hand and avoids my gaze, so I take her chin and lead her eyes back to mine.
"You're going to get through this, okay? I know it's hard right now, but it will get easier. I know you don't believe in your strength, but I do, and I know you're going to get through this."
"I just don't want to do this alone," she brokenly whispers.
"And you won't have to," I reply.
She bites her lip and asks hesitantly, "You'll be there with me?"
"Every step of the way."
"You promise?"
"I promise."
She nods once, closes her eyes, and takes a deep breath. I brush some hair from her face. She leans into me and places her head and hands on my chest. I wrap my arms around her and wait. Eventually, she leans back again. I kiss her forehead.
"Ready?"
She nods. And so we go back to sleep.
The second time I'm awoken, it isn't to thrashing, crying, screaming, or even whimpering; instead, it's to tiny arms wrapping around my ribs and squeezing like I'll disappear into thin air if they let go.
"Tris?" I ask half-conscious, struggling to open my eyes.
In return, the arms squeeze even tighter, and the body that's laying partially on top of me gives a forceful shake. I'm finally able to pry my eyes open, and I immediately see a head of blonde hair splayed out across my chest.
"Tris?" I ask again, less groggy this time.
Her shoulders shake again, and I am immediately sobered up as I realize that she's crying.
"Tris, what happ-?" I start to ask slightly in alarm, but she interrupts me.
"Don't. Please. For once, please don't ask questions. I'm begging you, Tobias; please don't ask me that."
I frown at her shaky and defeated tone, but even more so at her command. Nevertheless, I comply without questions, just like she asked.
Her head buries itself even deeper into my shirt, and her arms tighten their grip. Luckily, but not extremely healthy, her muscles seem to be weak from exhaustion and stress, so her hold on me is still comfortable.
"I'm not going anywhere, Tris. I'm not going to disappear if you aren't here to keep me physically grounded. I'm not leaving," I whisper in her ear.
Her face scrunches up and she shakes her head; she's trying not to cry. I decide to respect her wishes and don't say anything more even after her contorted face has relaxed again. I kiss the top of her head and pet her hair as I try to soothe her back to sleep. Slowly, but surely, her breaths even out, her eyes stop fluttering, and her grip loosens. I breathe a sigh of relief and slightly turn my head to look at the clock. It stares intimidatingly at me with its bright red numbers: 3:16 a.m.
Trying not to worry about when and why she'll wake up next, I fall back asleep.
This time, I get a nice kick to the shin as my wake-up call. I curse as I sit up, wincing and looking for the source of the pain. It only takes me a moment to put the pieces together. It's a simple equation, really: Tris murmuring incoherently, plus her body thrashing around, minus her consciousness, equals nightmare. I take a deep breath before starting the difficult task of getting her out of it; you'd be surprised at how hard it can be.
I start like I always do: I lean down next to her ear and whisper things like, "It's just a dream; it's okay," and, "I've got you. No one here is going to hurt you," in an effort to let her stay sleeping but still escape the nightmare. Not surprisingly, it doesn't work.
Narrowly avoiding another kick, I crawl on top of her and hold her still. This seems to make it worse, as her face scrunches up into a more distressed look. I lightly shake her a few times before giving up on that method. I lean forward and kiss her like I did last night when she was having a nightmare. Although it seems to have helped the distress on her face fade away, the thrashing still amounts to the same level as before.
I strategically climb off her body so I don't get hit by a flying fist or foot. I pull the covers off her and turn the fan on, hoping the sudden change in temperature will urge her brain to avert its focus from creating the nightmare to waking her up so it can discover what's causing the cool gust of air. But again, not surprisingly, it doesn't work.
I turn the fan off and get back on the unoccupied side of the bed where I woke up. I sigh as I realize this is another one I'll just have to wait out. There have only been two other nightmares of hers that have been that severe, but they were a lot like this one. I don't like it, but until I can somehow figure out a full-proof way to waking her up, this process will just have to do.
I gather her thrashing body in my arms and fold her into my lap. I tightly wrap my arms around her so the thrashing becomes more like erratic movements. I rest my chin on her head and pray to whoever is listening that this will be over soon. That everything will be over soon: the fear, the pain, the emotional damage, the sadness, the hurt, everything.
It seems twice the amount of time for the clock to turn one digit to the next, even though I know it's normal speed, so it feels like ages before the nightmare finally starts to let up.
4:31 a.m., 4:35 a.m., 4:43 a.m.
She suddenly snaps to life and only takes a moment before she starts to push against my arms; she's obviously alarmed by them for whatever reason.
"It's just me," I whisper quietly and kiss the top of her head. "It's just me."
She goes limp almost immediately and turns so she can bury herself into my shirt. It's quiet for awhile.
"I never get a break," she speaks brokenly, her voice cracking.
I plant another kiss on her head and slowly start to run a hand along the length of her back, applying just the slightest bit of pressure. She relaxes further under my touch, and a long string of air escapes from her mouth.
"Is it wrong if I'm already fighting sleep?" she asks me a while later.
"I think it's purely instinctual; after all, we living beings do need some amount of adequate sleep to function. But I suppose that could just be an incorrect theory formed by the Erudite. You can't trust it. Everyone knows Erudites aren't intelligent."
I feel the corner of her mouth turn up. "Did the infamous, hard-shelled, bricks for emotion Tobias Eaton just crack a joke?"
I find a small smile within me at her words. "That depends. What do you think?"
"I think," she begins, "that the Pedrad brothers are beginning to rub off on you."
"Yeah, well, I blame the lack of sleep."
She giggles. Giggles. An actual, heartfelt, high-pitched, dumb-blonde, giggle. I chuckle at the sound. Tris doesn't giggle, and if for some reason she does, it's sure as hell not like that.
"I take it that the lack of sleep is also taking its toll on you?" I question teasingly.
She softly groans. "You have no idea."
I chuckle again and gently press the side of my head to hers. My head is much higher than hers, so it only reaches to just above her ear, but it's a resting place, regardless of the placement. I take a deep breath in of her hair and the comforting aroma of watermelon and candy fill my nose. It's a bit of an odd combination, but somehow the smells flow together nicely.
"Don't tell me you've already fell to the cheesiness of smelling my hair," she mumbles.
I feel my ears heat up a bit, embarrassed that she caught me. "Wouldn't dream of it," I reply.
She smiles. "I won't judge too harshly if you did. As long as my Tobias doesn't break down completely and does something even cheesier next, like confess your undying love to me, I'll mark it off as lack of sleep."
"Not that I'm trying to imply anything, but I'm pretty sure I already did that on some level," I say.
"Hmm...that's right, isn't it? Well, I guess you can't get any cheesier…"
"And?"
"And I hate to say it, but I think you've officially fallen into the category of sappy, happy go lucky boyfriends."
"Are you trying to tell me something?" I ask in an accusing tone.
"Oh, no, of course not! I was only going to tell you that maybe you should go find a career in filming Hallmark movies since you seem like such a good match for the par-"
I cut her off with quick fingers running down her side. She shrieks and starts to laugh, desperately trying to squirm away from my hold on her.
"Stop! Stop Tobias!"
"Not until you take that back," I grumble.
"Aww, did I hurt-" She cuts herself off with another laugh before continuing. "-poor wittle Tobias's feelings?"
I can't win either way I answer that, so instead I say, "You may say you don't like the cheesiness of Hallmark, but I know you secretly have a soft spot for it."
"What makes you say that?" she laughs.
"Because all girls do. You fall into the specific category of girls who pretend not to like it while in reality they actually love it."
"All girls, huh?"
"All girls," I repeat, giving her a small break so she can catch her breath.
"What about Lynn?"
I scoff. "Alright, so maybe she's an exception."
She giggles. Again. "Then again, I always thought you were an exception to the sentimental type of guy, but apparently I was wro-"
I cut her off again, suddenly deciding she's had enough time to catch her breath.
"Hey, sentiment has nothing to do with this! I can be sentimental without getting all sappy!" I exclaim quietly, suddenly remembering that there are other people in this house.
"I beg to differ!"
"Oh yeah? What about the time I told you about my mom? When we went to get clothes from my house?"
"Do I need to remind you that you'd just kissed me in the rain moments beforehand?" She finally squirms her way out of my arms and scampers to the edge of the bed. "And how afterwards you got all poetic with me about how nothing is insurmountable?"
I groan, feeling my ears grow warm again. "You're embarrassing me."
"There's no one here for me to embarrass you to," she points out.
"Except for my own self," I mumble.
"You get so defensive it's funny," she says and smirks.
"I'm glad you find joy in my humiliation."
"What kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn't?" I roll my eyes. She cracks a smile. "Would you like to call a truce?"
"That depends," I reply.
"Depends on what, exactly?"
"What do I get out of the truce?"
"You get excepted from excess humiliation by moi, and you also get the peace of mind knowing I will keep our conversations completely between us."
I groan. "That's it?"
"I could call the truce off if you'd like; I'm sure Zeke would get a kick out of the whole 'kissing in the rain' thing," she says, already knowing she's won.
"Are you blackmailing me?"
She hesitates. "Not exactly."
I raise my eyebrows at her. She bites her lip to try and hide her smile.
"Fine. You can make an addition to the truce, but only one. Make it count."
"A kiss to seal the deal?"
Her smile finally escapes her teeth and she laughs quietly. "I somehow knew you would say that."
"So you agree?" I ask for confirmation.
"Yes, I agree," she chuckles. "Truce?"
"Truce."
She carefully crawls back over to me as if she thinks I'll still break our truce. When she makes it over to me she quickly pecks my cheek and flops back down on the bed, her back turned to me.
"Well played, Prior. Well played," I tell her as I lay down behind her. I sneak my arms around her stomach and pull her back into my chest. She laughs and aligns one arm on top of mine.
"I thought so. You should probably be more specific next time."
"I'll consider it a lesson learned," I reply half-heartedly.
"Sure you will."
"Was that sarcasm?"
"Of course not, munchkins," she replies in a tone that's absolutely dripping with sarcasm.
I roll my eyes and pull her closer. "That's what I thought, schmoopie."
"I would never make fun of you, snookums."
"Of course you wouldn't, pumpkin." I close my eyes and bury my head in her hair.
"You know me so well, darling."
"I try my best, deary."
A breath of laughter escapes from her lips and I smile slightly as I start to fall asleep.
"Well, honey, I hate to break it to you, but there's a lot about me that you haven't deciphered yet."
"Well, sweet cheeks," I start, my words beginning to slur together as sleep overtakes me. "If I ever had you completely figured out, then we'd have a problem."
She doesn't bother to hide her laughter, although she does keep it quiet. "Sweet cheeks?"
It takes me a couple moments to reply, as it's a struggle for me to find the energy to make my mouth form words. Too tired to keep this up any longer, I say one word.
"Truce?" I mumble.
The last thing I remember is a pair of soft lips on mine and a voice softly whispering, "Truce."
Tris's POV
When Tobias falls asleep, I expertly remove myself from his grasp and sit up. I smile sadly at him and lightly brush my fingers through his hair for a while before standing up. I quietly make my way to the window seat on the other side of the room and squeeze myself in, pulling my knees to my chest. I lean my head sideways into the corner where the window meets the wall and sigh.
Why can't life just be simple? Why does it always have to make things so complicated?
It's constantly one thing after another; something good happens, and something bad follows it. I'll spare you the details, as I'm sure you already know what I'm talking about, but I'm so completely and utterly frustrated by the fact that I can't get a break. I can't even have one night without nightmares or one hour without feeling emotionally unstable. I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I can't take this anymore. I don't know what to do to make it stop. All I know is that everything I've been holding in will come crashing down on me even harder than it did earlier tonight if it doesn't.
I clutch my head as a pounding headache starts to form. I close my eyes and will for the throbbing to go away. Eventually, it does, but I know it will come back as soon as I start thinking like that again.
The peace I have with myself doesn't last long; I immediately start to get lost as I mount and dismount random trains of thought at random locations. It isn't until many more minutes of aimless searching that I finally find one I'm willing to ride all the way through.
Tobias.
It feels as though a weight has been lifted from my chest since I told him most everything last night. But...I also feel another, more familiar weight being added on. I know what it is; I couldn't mistake it for anything else.
Guilt.
A five-letter, one syllable word. It's such a little word for something so intense, for something so...heavy.
I told Tobias most everything. Most. I left out the fact that I've been so lonely lately even though I've had people all around me. I left out the fact that I'm slowly collapsing even though I have plenty of things for me to hold onto. I left out the fact that I'm constantly in pain even though painkillers are always on hand.
I didn't tell him these things because of several reasons, the simplest one being I didn't have any energy left in me to do so. The next simplest would be that the guilt was already settling in for putting such a heavy burden on Tobias for such selfish reasons, and I stopped myself before I could go on and make it even worse. But that's where simple explanations end.
There are many more details to be told about each 'simple' explanation, but for now we'll leave them as is; besides, I've kept it in for...how long now? One year? Two? Whatever; it doesn't matter. My point is, I've kept it in for this long, so it won't hurt me to keep it in for a while longer. Or, so I tell myself.
Now, onto the more difficult explanations. Where to begin…well, first, let me start with something I'm sure you've already noticed on some level.
If I were to tell Tobias everything, absolutely everything, then all my burdens would be placed on his shoulders as well as mine, and I can't do that to him. He's given me so much...too much. I can't, and won't, pay him back by making his life way more difficult than it was before he knew me. I may be slowly breaking, but nothing is worth doing something like that to him. I know he says that he doesn't want me to hold back and to tell him all that is bothering me, but there's too much at stake to do so and too many problems to tell. Besides, it's always him protecting me; I think it's near time I take a turn protecting him.
Secondly, if just telling Tobias about what I did earlier was enough for me to fall apart that badly, I can't begin to imagine what I would be like if I told him everything. I know I would be an absolute mess, which moves us onto the actual reasoning. If I broke down even worse than before, I know Tobias would feel a bunch of negative emotions, one of them being guilt, and I can't bear to think of me being the reason that it happened. And if that happened and we both grew too weak to fight for each other, like Tobias said would never happen, but you never know, I'm not sure what I'd do.
I take a deep breath and yawn. I'm so tired. I'm so, so tired. I'm tired both emotionally, mentally, and physically. I open my eyes (I wasn't aware they were shut to begin with) and rub them in an attempt to ease the slight ache from the excessive tears. I sigh when it only makes it worse. When I pull my hands away, I'm surprised to find trails of wetness on them. Frustrated, I wipe them off on my shirt. But since my shirt is a light color, the dark splotches of the tears only reminds me of my weaknesses.
I'm not sure when more tears started flowing, and I'm not going to spend the time to try and figure it out. It could've started at any time. However, it doesn't look like they're going to be stopping any time soon. I don't try to stop them; I'd only be wasting time and energy.
Weak.
I shut my eyes again as voices start to chant in my head.
Coward. Selfish.
I try to ignore it, but it only grows stronger.
Undeserving. Spineless. Disgusting.
I now freely let the tears fall down my cheeks as the voice continues to repeat itself, throwing in more insults every now and then. I don't bother to try and stop them.
Something comes crashing down on me in that moment, the moment I give up trying to fight the tears. It's the moment when I realize I'm only getting worse.
I reached a point where I thought I could get better, where I was better, but apparently, that only lasted for a few weeks...a few, blissful weeks.
The second thing I realize is that I haven't been getting better because of time, but because I know now that I have people who care. But other people can only help you so much...I have to do most of the healing on my own if I want to get better. I'm not going to lie and say that I don't appreciate the ones who have helped me get this far, but I will say that I sometimes wish they wouldn't hover so much. I need to do this on my own, no matter what Tobias, Caleb, Tori, Christina, or anyone else says.
Tobias…
I'm so thankful for him. I really, truly am. But I can't do any healing on my own when he's around. I've healed as much as I can with the others doing most of the work, but now that I've waited so long I'm going back downhill. I can't keep putting the process off; I can't do that to myself. I don't want to be the cause of my own self-destruction.
Tobias has been a distraction from what I've been needing to do ever since he came into my life. A beautiful, perfect, loving distraction, but a distraction nevertheless. As soon as I knew he was in love with me, I should've taken the initiative to start healing myself. Hell, as soon as I knew he was important to me I should've, at the very least, given him a warning. But I didn't. And now that he has promised so many things to me, he has to pay by taking care of my deteriorating state. A state that he cannot help.
Take extreme caution! Dangerous cargo up ahead! Do not come any closer until you are assured that it's safe to approach!
I sigh. If only I'd done things differently. Maybe if I had, I wouldn't be sitting here, crying next to the window and thinking about how selfish I am while Tobias lays asleep just a few feet away.
A soft light outside of my closed eyelids interrupts my thinking. I slowly open them to find the beginning of a sunrise. Instead of wondering what time it is and how long I must have been sitting here, I keep my mind blank and admire the colors.
Very slowly, the colors start to expand into a larger palette as the sun finally touches the horizon. Pinks, purples, oranges, yellows, and blues fill my vision, making me forget the reason I was crying in the first place. How could I remember when such beauty stands right in front of me?
I hear soft footsteps coming towards me. I don't break my view from the sky as he comes and stands next to me.
"How long have you been up?" he asks softly.
"I don't think I ever went back to sleep," I say truthfully.
I hear him sigh, but he doesn't push the subject. He lowers himself down on the other side of the window seat so he's facing me. I can feel his stare on my cheeks, no doubt seeing the abundance of dried tears on them.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" I say softly.
"Hm?" he asks, obviously too still distracted by the tears to notice what's going on outside.
"The sunrise. Isn't it beautiful?"
I finally feel his stare move out the window as well. "Yeah...it is," he replies after a few moments of watching.
When the sun reaches the top of the horizon, I let out a sad laugh.
"What is it?"
"Isn't it sad how something so beautiful happens everyday, yet nobody wants to take the time to see it?"
I can practically hear his frown. "What do you mean by that?"
I sigh. "It's just...all I hear anybody talk about anymore is how the world is losing its beauty, how the people here are making it a dirty, evil place. And the bad thing is, I believed it too. Everyone is always so focused on the bad that hardly anyone ever makes the effort to see the good. Everyone takes advantage of the fact that this happens everyday, and they don't bother to ever think about waking up to see it. And looking at this now...I can't believe that I was one of those people."
I curl more into the window and rest my head against the cool glass. I close my eyes for a few moments before I open them back up. And just like a moth and a lantern, I'm immediately allured to the array of colors again.
"The sun rises and sets everyday, yet I could bet that I've only watched, really watched, four or five of them in the 17 years I've been alive," I start, words thoughtlessly falling out of my mouth. "Something so effortlessly beautiful has happened every single day of my life without fail, but I take advantage of that and mark it off as something ordinary, nothing special. But that's wrong of me, because I know if the sun were to go away, all science aside, we would cry over the beauty we thought we could count on to be there forever, the beauty that we had so carelessly missed. Just because something occurs everyday doesn't make it any less beautiful. Sometimes, it's the things that do occur everyday that are the most beautiful. And it's a shame that nobody, including me, would take note of that until it was too late."
It's silent for several minutes after that. I'm startled from my focused watch of the rising sun when a soft yet calloused hand grabs one of mine. I break my stare from the sun and look at Tobias for the first time. He smiles softly at me and squeezes my hand. Wordlessly, I get the message.
Including me too.
Both of our glances go back to the sun, which has almost risen by now. We watch, one of us on either side of the other, fingers intertwined and hanging between us.
As the sun finishes rising, I've come to a decision.
"Tobias?" I ask nervously.
"Yes?" he asks, eyes flicking to mine, obviously catching onto the seriousness of my tone.
"I think...I think that we…" I stumble and pause. I open my mouth, but close it. I open it again only to close it a few moments later. I sigh and run my fingers through my hair. "This is harder than I thought it'd be."
"Tris?" he says concerned.
I meet his eyes. "I...I think we should…" My lips freeze mid-sentence and my words get caught in my throat. I open and close my mouth several times more before exclaiming, very frustratingly I may add, "God, I can't do this!"
"Tris…" he trails and grabs my other hand. "It's okay. Whatever you're going to tell me won't affect where we stand. I'll still love you."
I frown. Does he think I'm breaking up with him? I sigh. I guess that's not too far off from what I'm trying to do.
I look away from him and squeeze his hands, keeping the pressure there as I struggle to get the next few words out.
"I think...I think that we should take a break."
I take in a sharp breath as soon as the words are out. After a while, I finally find the strength to look back at him. I hurry to correct myself when I see the masked hurt behind his eyes.
"It's not anything you did. A-and it'll only be for a little while. I love you too, and it's just as hard for me to say this as it is for you to listen, but I…" I sigh and look back down. "I need some time for myself. I need to do some of this on my own. You've helped me so much, but if I don't help myself, I'm only going to keep traveling in a downward spiral." I slowly train my eyes to meet his again. "Do...do you understand?" I ask anxiously.
He stares at me for a little bit, probably contemplating over what I just said. After a few minutes, he sighs and loosens his grip on my hands. I tighten my hold to hopefully get the point across that I do love and care for him, and that this is hard for me too. I don't want to do this, but it needs to be done.
"If that's what you want, I'll do it," he says a bit dejectedly.
"Tobias...please understand. Please," I beg him. "I don't want to do this, but I need to. I can't keep acting. All the pretending is destroying me. I love you, and I don't want you to be in the middle of this. No matter how much you insist that I'm not a burden, my problems have been taking a toll on you too. I can't heal if I think you'll be affected by the craziness of the ride. I'll probably get worse before I get better, and right now…" I scoot closer to him, dropping one of his hands and stroking my thumb across the purple bags underneath his eyes. I sigh. "Right now, I think we both could use this. We've got to stop lying to each other about our wellbeing, and if this is the only way to do it, then we'll make it work."
"Tris, this isn't the only way to-"
"Tobias," I interrupt. "Yes, it is."
I cup his cheek and watch as he closes his eyes and leans into my touch, defeated. After a few minutes, I ask again, "Do you understand, Tobias?"
His eyes open up and he smiles sadly at me. "Unfortunately, I understand exactly. Even more unfortunately, I agree."
I frown at his obvious sense of unhappiness and feel tears well up in my swollen eyes again. I look down quickly in an attempt to hide them.
"Hey, it's okay," he reassures me softly. I bite my lip and drop my hand from his cheek, struggling to keep the tears at bay. His thumb comes to my mouth and softly helps my bottom lip escape from the death grip my teeth have on it. As soon as he does, though, a tear comes trickling down the side of my face.
"Don't cry, Tris. Please don't cry," he whispers to me.
I squeeze my eyes shut. "I'm sorry," I choke out.
He sighs. "Come here."
His arms wrap around me and I find myself settling into his chest a few moments later. I rest my head above his heart and clutch his shirt to try and muffle my tears.
"I'm sorry," I repeat.
"It's okay. Shhh...it's okay."
His hand starts to stroke my hair, and I desperately try to calm myself down.
"Why am I crying if I'm the one who said we should take a break in the first place?"
"Because you don't want it to happen."
I take several deep breaths and pull back from his hold. "No, I really don't."
He grabs one of my hands again and brushes back my hair. "But it needs to."
I nod meekly. "Yeah…"
He sighs and kisses my forehead. "If that's what you need, then I'm on board. You know I'd do anything for you."
I answer his statement with a gentle kiss. "I know," I eventually whisper.
He strokes my hair with a slight frown on his face. "When do you...?"
I sigh, knowing what he's trying to ask. "It's better sooner rather than later, right? So I don't second guess this and do what's easiest for me to fall into?"
He nods slowly. "Probably...but we should probably clear up some things now before it gets complicated."
I frown. "I don't want this to be complicated."
"Which is why we're talking about this now."
I nod. "Okay...what do we need to clear up?"
"First, it's a break, not a break-up," he states.
"Which means…?" I ask, wanting him to set the ground rules since I was the one to drop the bomb. I only pray that he doesn't find someone better during our time away from each other. I frown at the thought.
"Which means, I'll still be here for you if you ever need me. I'm not leaving. If you need someone to talk to that isn't Caleb or Tori, you can talk to me. Whether it be a phone call at 3:00am or an short-notice meet up somewhere, I'll be there. Okay?"
I smile appreciatively at him, feeling a bit better about one aspect of this. I didn't want it to not be acceptable to talk to one another. "Thank you."
"I'm not done," he says.
"Okay...go on."
"It also means that I'm not going to go around and 'explore my options' like you're afraid I will," he says quietly and raises his eyebrows pointedly at me.
I blush and look away from his glance, slightly embarrassed that I was that easy to see through. "Okay," I whisper.
"And, it also means that I'm not going to change how I feel about you. I love you. That's not going to change. Don't forget that."
The corners of my mouth turn up into a small smile that I give the window. "I won't," I whisper.
"Lastly, I want both of us to wholeheartedly agree on when to get back into our relationship before we do so...I don't want it to be too early. I want you to be able to heal and get some closure before we continue on."
I let this sink in for a little bit before slowly nodding. I turn my gaze back to him and am taken aback by how much hurt he's trying to mask.
"Tobias…?" I ask concerned.
He doesn't reply and turns his eyes towards the window.
"Tobias...how do you actually feel about this?" I ask, fearing the answer.
He sits in silence for awhile. He stays quiet for so long that I'm beginning to think he'll never answer when he looks at me again and opens his mouth to speak.
"Honestly?"
"Yes."
He watches me for a few moments, just staring, which makes my cheeks heat up.
"Honestly, I don't like it. I don't like it at all."
I look down, feeling guilty and ashamed for doing this to him.
"But," he begins, "I know it's something you need to do, and I respect that with my entire being. I have to accept the fact that it's time for me to take a step back and let you take control. I'm getting in the way of you healing, and I don't want to be the cause of your self-destruction."
I fling my head up, surprised at his choice of words. It's almost exactly the same as what I thought earlier. I swear he can read my mind, apparently even in sleep.
I shake my head at him immediately. "Don't say it like that." I frown. "That makes it sound like you're selfish and I don't want you around."
He shrugs. "I think that's true to some extent."
My mouth drops open. I snap it shut and start to speak hurriedly. "Of course it's not true, Tobias! I love you! Why would you even think that?!"
He shrugs again and turns his gaze back out the window. Again. "I think it because it's the truth."
"Tobias, don't do this right now. I love you," I softly say again, but as soon as I do, I realize that he isn't going to listen to anything I have to say about the subject.
I use my annoyance and frustration with him to glare at his dejected face. "Tobias James Eaton, look at me right now."
I can tell my tone of voice caught him by surprise, and he looks at me in confusion.
"You're too damn stubborn, you know that? You're so blinded by the fact that you think I don't want you that you can't see the truth!" He starts to rebut but I hold a hand up, stopping him. "The actual truth," I growl.
His eyes slightly widen at my assertive, almost aggressive, tone. "Tris-"
"Tris, nothing," I interrupt again. "I don't know why you can't get this through your head, but you're not selfish, you're not 'getting in my way', and you're sure as hell not making this any easier on me!"
Guilt fills his eyes as he looks away again. I sigh, feeling guilty for raising my voice with him like that, and scoot closer to him. I settle myself into his chest, not completely surprised that his arms haven't wrapped around me yet.
"I love you, you dumb twat. I didn't think I'd need anybody so much that it physically hurts when there's a possibility that they'll leave, but look at me now. I need you. I need you like that. So don't ever think otherwise, because if you do I will kick your ass."
There's a few minutes of silence, then a slight chuckle fills the air. I sigh in relief and contentment when his arms finally come to hold me, and I let my eyes flutter shut.
"How did I ever keep myself in check without you?"
I smile and wrap my arms around his stomach, squeezing. "I'm not sure, but now you'll never know because you're stuck with me forever," I say jokingly, but I realize that he didn't take it as so when he replies.
"And I wouldn't have it any other way," he says in a longing whisper.
My body slightly shakes as I sense the seriousness in his tone, and my heart feels as if it's about to beat out of my chest. Shivers run across my skin when his lips place a kiss on top of my head that I can't help but feel a silent promise embedded in. A promise that I will be with him forever.
As my stomach does flips and my arms shake, I squeeze him tighter to hide it.
"'Tris...I should probably leave before everyone gets up if we want to avoid questions…" he says, slightly loosening his grip on me.
"I think we can spare a few minutes," I boldly mumble into his shirt.
I can imagine the smile he has on his face as his arms tighten around me once again. "So demanding," he teases.
"Only prolonging the inevitable," I reply.
He sets his chin on top of my head and starts to stroke my back. He runs his thumb up and down the knobs of my spine, and I shiver at his intimate touch.
"Well, if that's the case, then I'm happy to prolong it with you," he says softly.
I raise my head up, letting his chin fall off. Before he can ask any questions, I quickly press my lips to his in what could be the last kiss we have for a long while. He pulls me closer to him and kisses me back passionately.
When we pull away, both of us whisper, "I love you," at the same time. We share a laugh and settle back into our previous positions: his arms encircling me with his thumb tracing my spine while my arms squeeze around his stomach with me enjoying every second of the shivers he gives me. In just a few minutes I may not get to feel his touch anymore, so I make sure to take it all in so I don't forget it. And, not meaning to of course, I slowly fall asleep.
Maybe it's better this way. Now I don't have to watch as he packs up his things and goes back to his house. Now I don't have to force myself to keep from begging him to stay and making this harder on the both of us. Now the last thing I'll remember is falling asleep in his arms, and the last thing I'll remember saying is 'I love you'. Maybe it's better this way for the both of us. Maybe I'll be able to heal faster knowing all this. Maybe I'll manage to keep my composure for longer and focus on mending.
And I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe, this was always meant to happen.
*Clears throat* Please don't kill me. If you were one of the ones who foolishly accepted my dare devil challenge up there, I sincerely hope this didn't spoil your appetite to read the entire chapter. I promise you'll feel much better if you read the whole thing! For those of you who intelligently declined my challenge and read the whole chapter, good for you! If I read a challenge like that, I would be one of the stupid ones to actually follow through and do it. So kudos to you people who can smell foolery when you see it! Or in this case, read it, I guess.
Anyways! I will try to have Chapter 43 out as soon as possible guys! There's only two weeks of school left! Hooray! I'm trying my hardest, I promise! I hope you all have a wonderful rest of your day!...or night. Whatever! You get it! I'll see you all (hopefully) soon!:)